Thanks very much for listening and offering support. I am still moved when I read that someone is listening. I try to do that for others but find that I'm not particularly confident in my advice and that sometimes it's just too much--I can only deal with my own pain.

I'm thinking back to my last session with my IC. I really really like her, but there's not a whole lot she can help me with at this point. I know more about infidelity than she does now and have a better understanding of WS behavior and how to deal with it. Anyway, we were talking about priorities. My company announced major layoffs last week. We had known for a couple of months when the announcement was going to be made, but I said that going into the day, I hadn't been particularly worried because my job was down on my list of priorities (my work group was spared). IC then asked me "So what are your priorities. WW is #1 . . . " and I quickly agreed and said kids were #2.

And so now I'm thinking about it. It's one of those no-wrong-answer things, but WW and the marriage probably shouldn't be my #1 priority right now. Reducing that is part of Plan B, right? Maybe it's my own withdrawal, but the marriage is foremost in my mind. That and the wrongness of the separation and what WW is doing are what I'm most interested in talking about.

Professionally, I solve complex problems that other people can't, and I have a tendency to immerse myself in the problem. Accepting that I couldn't solve this problem the way I wanted to was a huge step for me, because I couldn't think of any examples of serious problems I encountered and couldn't solve (and so this feels like failure, which I hate--don't worry, I understand enough to know that it isn't my failure). One of my friends (similarly wired) advised me to turn my problem solving focus to doing the best for my children. I think that this is excellent advice but am struggling with how to apply it so far. I guess I'm still struggling with how I'm supposed to think right now.

Lots of rambling. Wishing everyone a good week.

SDG

I think you have to realize that you are doing exceptionally well. You are following the MB program closely, and doing all that you can do. You are doing much better than most.

Trust in the program, and let time do its part. Plan B is great because you get some distance and perspective. But it often seems like nothing is happening, day after day after day. That is the difficult part.

sd,

I just want to let you know that I'm listening and understand fully of what you're going through. I'm in Plan B about the same time as you (1/5) when my WW moved out on Christmas (12/25) and here is my priority:

#1 ME, ME and ME
#2 My Children
#3 My finance
#4 My House or up keep of it
#5 My parents

What I'm trying to say is that in Plan B, WW should not be on your list of priority at all. Once you get your WW off your top 5 list of priority, I guarantee you'll feel much better yourself and your situation. Just my $0.02.

Good luck and hang in there,

Agree with miketc, your WW is not a priority now in Plan B. YOU are number one and your children are #1.5.

Have pillow fights with your son; build forts out of sheets and pillows with both of the kids; give lots of laughter and hugs and kisses. Be as active a participant in their every day. You are SILENTLY working on the M by being in Plan B.

I have followed Plan B pretty well. There has been broken silence, but that is mostly resolved. I have had bad days, too, as witnessed by my most recent post. I'm doing better now, and tomorrow I will be right as rain. The gravity of everything will weigh on you now and then, but that is only when you move away from the present and focus on the future or past. Try to stay focused with today.

You WW's comment was meant to get a rise out of you; the truth is, she wouldn't say a thing if your plan B resolve didn't bother her. She wants it ALL, cake eating, fence sitting, ALL, and you won't allow that. That's good. That's to be respected...

You are doing great!

Thanks, guys, for the pep talks and advice.

WW started a new job today (which I think is good) and already has a scheduling conflict with the kids. She sent an email telling me about a morning meeting on Wednesday and could she drop the kids off at my house to get DS to school. I guess the real Plan B thing would have been to say no, but I emailed her she could drop the kids off. It didn't take her long to encounter the advantage of two-parent familes, though.

I am strong.

I would handle it differently; I would said NO. She needs to live with being a single parent and results of her A. I like to hear how the experts here would handle it.

Clearly, the dark, hard-nosed Plan B thing would be to say no. She knows that my parents are here, however, and they offered to help if necessary, and to say no under those conditions seems a little too much like punishment (both to her and the kids). It's a one-time thing as far as I'm concerned.

And she's not stupid--the effect of single parenthood won't be lost on her, even if it is somewhat diluted. I'd be surprised if she felt good about asking me for help.

I can ensure you that she did not want to ask you for help, but don't let her get used to it.

I have asked WH to take son a couple of times, one overnight during the week (I was a bit unglued--didn't tell him that, though), and one night to keep him a little longer than usual. I was thinking about that today. I have my son 12days out of every 14, and sometimes get a bit exhausted. I don't like asking him for help. What if I get sick, though? Ugh, I don't like it either.

I guess this one time is fine, a bit soon in the whole 'new job' thing, but fine. Don't let ANYTHING become a habit, whether your parents are here or not, she should figure out what to do, leaving you as a last resort...

Nope. No habits. One time thing.

Back to dark now.

SL, your suggestions about pillow fights and blanket tents and laughter were perfect for me. It was a bit of a Duh moment, but one gets lost in their own thoughts.

I am so stoked for you right now.

I got the kids back today, which is great. In a moment of weakness after the kids were asleep (and my parents are still here), I drove over to WW's apartment. The lights were on, but there were two cars in the garage.

I wanted confirmation again, and I got it. I'm strangely okay with it. It really wasn't a surprise--I expected it. It doesn't change anything about what I'm doing. If anything, it strengthens my dark Plan B resolve.

Checking up on her is another habit I'm not going to get into.

hey guy,

Yeah, stay away from those habits of checking up. I was tempted a number of times to drive by where my H was staying, and NEVER did. I know you feel like you were okay with it, but clearly, Mr. Plan B, you are not. So, *THWACK*, STOP THAT.

I only had a few TM and email conversations with WH regarding business only, and even those hurt me, because I expected something. I didn't ever get it. Well, I got it now, but I DEFINITELY wasn't expecting it. Just stay dark. Get used to it, settle in, it's early yet. One thing Jennifer told me is that these things ALWAYS end, especially in a family situation.

It really is YOUR choice in the end. The more you stop checking up, the more your LB will still contain some funds, and the more likely YOU will choose to recover. If you let your love turn to disgust, and hate, your family will never be whole again. That is a heavy burden, I KNOW, but it is yours to carry right now...

Really look at those kids and figure out how to father them and be their daddy. Make them smile, and it comes back ten fold for you. Let them in. Let them and YOU be your focus right now. Hang out with yourself, figure YOU out, too.

Yep. I was expecting a 2x4, which I deserve. I hurt myself, and it's exactly the kind of hurt I'm supposed to be preventing. I guess I meant that I was okay in the sense that I didn't do anything *really* stupid (and about a thousand things came to mind) in response. But, obviously, I hate it.

Previously, I decided not to bother changing the locks on my house unless WW starts abusing the access, and she hasn't. Then this morning I had just about decided to go ahead and change them, but now I'm thinking that that response is more about retribution (for something I did to myself).

I know what I need to do, and I'm doing 90% of it pretty well, I think. I talked the other day about priority, and that wasn't quite right. I have the priorities right, it's my thoughts that give me trouble. The M occupies too much of my active thinking. I need to change the thinking to my kids and myself. It's hard.

Thanks, as always, for the pep talk.

I know, it SUX, just plain SUX.

Think of driving by that place and KNOW that you deserve your W, not some doped out wayward piece of crap.

Like I said, she thinks of you every day, she thinks of what she is doing, and can't stay there too long, because she'll KNOW she's wrong, and WON'T be able to justify her actions with entitlement.

I'd love to tell you that thoughts of your W and WW stop, but I don't think they will, BUT, you will learn how to process them more quickly. I would actually shake my head sometimes when thoughts of WH entered my mind...I think my son thought I was developing a tick...

STAY DARK, be quiet, rest...Try to have fun, laugh, lean your head back and laugh.

sd,

Change that lock, mentally it will give you more power and enable you to detach from WW. No more drive by!! Take care of yourself and have fun with the little ones because they deserve your attentions. Stay busy, take up a hobby or exercise.

Stay dark my friend.

Oh, I agree with mike, definitely change the locks. I did, and it made me feel a bit better. It's hard to explain, but I felt like i was in the drivers' seat when I did that.

My WH was entering the home when I was not there.

Okay. I'd about convinced myself I only wanted to out of retaliation, but I'll go ahead and do it this weekend.

It wasn't about retalition, it's about enforcing the boundary of NC with OP or you are out of my life, that includes where I live, where I work, my family, my friends, my financial support, ALL of that. Again, my WH was entering the house. I think when I changed the locks it made things a bit more concrete. ONLY MY SPOUSE BELONGS HERE!!!

That's a good point, and one I'm still mulling over. Changing the locks would enhance the Plan B and send a message. On the downside, it could make things really ugly when there currently isn't any reason to. E.g., she didn't take much stuff from the house. If I change the locks, will she feel the need to come back for everything she could possibly need (which could be a big hassle)? I'm not sure about the legality, either. It is still her house, too. Plus, I asked her to let me know when she was planning to be in the house and why, and so far she has done so. If that becomes a problem, I will absolutely change the locks, but it really hasn't been a problem.

It's like letting her dropp the kids off the other day--I'm not sure I want my plan B to be so dark that it comes across mean-spirited. Being cool and letting her eat static is the biggest part of the plan, I think.

Not sure. Like I said, I'm still mulling the locks over.

If you live in California, you can't change the locks legally, because it is a community property state. I wanted to change the locks because my WH WAS taking things, and my attorney told me I couldn't.

SD is for San Diego, so I guess I won't change the locks. If it becomes a problem, I can ask for her keys back or demand keys to her apartment, but, like I said, it hasn't been a problem.

Thanks for the info. I don't really want to talk with my lawyer if I don't have to.