Feeling angry. . . feeling like finding someone else . . . feeling like LB'ing (telling her what I really think, i.e., the truth) . . . feeling like Plan FU . . .

and then looking at my beautiful children

and remembering that my son said that I have a plan and that maybe his parents will get back together

my son wants to play with me now

I can do it

So sorry that OM's wife got accused of vandalising the car. I wish she would check out MB. I think that would really help things.

Married men almost always go back to their wives, so there is a lot of hope.

I know that there's a lot of hope, but it's so hard. I've tried really hard to get OMW to post here. She has read some and knows about Plan A and Plan B, but I'm worried that she isn't really ready to pull off Plan B without a better understanding. And I don't think that I can be the one to show her the way. Just hearing about the infidels from her takes a lot out of me.

And then I hear tonight from my son that OM was over again last night (without his kids). For dinner and out for miniature golf. I talked to my son about it and told him who that man really is. I said "You know that what Mommy's doing is wrong, right?" and he nodded. We talked about her making a mistake. He said he wished she would give it up. I reminded him that whatever happens, I would always be there for him and that we would be okay, and we cried together.

I want to smash things. I am suspicious that this is designed to provoke me into doing something they can use against me in a custody battle, so I will do nothing.

It makes me want to pull the trigger on the divorce, but that doesn't help my kids. I wrote in a journal last night that if I could snap my fingers and replace WW as their mother, I might do it.

So angry and hurt. Outraged. But I am already calming down. I will help my children go to sleep. And maybe sleep with them.

Thanks again for the suggestion to tell my kids that I have a plan, believer. I think it was you. It paid off already.

I'm glad you told your kids that you have a plan. They are depending on the adults in there lives (you), and it gives them some security.

Hang in there. I know how hard it is. You are a hero, and one day you will be so glad that you did this. I promise you that things will get better.

Thanks, believer. You've been a big support for me.

I'm so exhausted. What's going to happen to me? Is something going to snap inside me? Or click, maybe? I need the roller coaster to go back up again. I need to remember what fun is.

I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of doing it.

sdg....so sorry that you are hurting.
what a mess with OMW...I am starting to think that she is becoming a hindrance to your plan B. the whole while that WW and OM are fighting with OMW, they SHOULD be fighting with each other. you have to go back to what you can control though...which we all know is only ourselves.
when your plan works OMW is going to owe you a huge fruit basket...as you are going to be saving her fam as well as your own. OMW doesn't get it yet. IMHO stay away from her too. you are getting emotionally dragged down from all of that drama.

refocus on yourself...the kids..I'm sure it being VD didn't help at all. we are plugging along with you. you are not alone

Okay, so I have been miserably depressed for the past two days or so, but I'm also sick, so I think that's a big part of it.

Exposure to the OM really set me off. First just the kids was bad enough, but now without them--trying him out as stepfather or whatever the ****** she has going on in her head--it just makes me sick. I want to protect them from this sickness, but my only option seems to be to let the affair run its course while I Plan B.

Everyone around me thinks I should pull the plug and get on with the divorce, and I have to admit that has been tempting over the past few days. I want her to hurt for what she's doing. I want to tell her what I really think (i.e., Plan FU).

And I really want my wife back. Digging through some old pictures for my son's homework project, I found a picture of W from when we just started dating, and I can tell that I still love her.

You're right, FB. I have to refocus on the kids, or else I will burn myself up. My brother and his family are coming next week, so that should help keep me distracted. I think tomorrow will be better.

Actually it is good that OM's wife still wants him. Men almost always go back to their families, and if they don't, they usually don't, they move on to someone they didn't cheat with.

You will be just fine. Hopefully things will work out with your wife. If they don't, our MB men don't last too long on the market.

I can't remember who told me this, but it was while in Plan B, don't make any decisions while emotion rules you. Wait until a moment of peace or clarity to make HUGE decisions. DIVORCE = HUGE DECISION...

Since you say you still feel love for your W (not WW of course), then stay dark and hold to it.

I'm sorry to hear about the vandalism. Just stay away from that, keep your distance. You are doing well...

I'm together enough to not do anything rash or even break the darkness of my plan B, I have been functional for most of the day, but I realized all of a sudden that I'm very anxious, and I think it's because WW gets the kids back tonight. I'm afraid she will have OM over again, because in her mind she's setting them up to be a happy family. It makes me nuts. It's wrong and disgusting and evil, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

If I could take a step back and look at the big picture, I would probably realize that it's really not that big a deal. Ultimately the kids will be fine, but the whole thing is just so WRONG that I'm having trouble calming down.

What is it with bringing the OP around the kids, and why so soon? She's only been out of the house for a month. Isn't that kind of quick? Is that a sign of something? Some part of the affair process I don't know about yet, or just my WW wanting to make them all into a happy family?

I know there's no point in me contacting her and telling her how uncomfortable I am having OM around my kids. I wonder whether that's why she's doing it.

it is good that you still love her...not fair to feel so hurt all the time, but still having feelings is hope for a future. when you get to the point that you are not hurt, don't care(not angry words, but real indifference) thats when you are at risk of not recovering your M. you are protecting those loving feelings, remember?

as far as "how to think" try this....
I have a firm belief that 'things happen for a reason' I have struggled with this whole A crap because it has been hard to find a purpose, a reason for all of this pain.
but, I still believe...even after all the garbage I have had to swallow....that I am here, we are here for a reason.

I think I have a chance to have a great relationship...I have learned what it takes...I know better ways of communication....I know how to act and not react....be in control over what I can control(me) and I am a stronger, more centered person.

My WS has a chance to be a part of something great, but if SHE makes the same BAD decisions, after BAD decisions, SHE will not be the one to share my life. I look forward to a better partnership, it is HER choice whether she will be the one to share that with me. I know I will have that relationship, with or without her. start to believ that you will have a great life again...with or without her because you are learning, changing from this experience. believe in yourself.

SD,

Have you thought about petitioning the courts to order your WW to keep OM away from your kids?

~ Marsh

I've thought about it, but on what legal basis? I don't know of any. I have secondhand reports of violence (some shoving) from OMW, but I'm not sure how much I can rely on those. I don't really have any reason to believe my kids are in any kind of danger.

I think I have to just accept it, as much as it makes me crazy. Any attempt by me to get her to stop bringing the OM around the kids will just make her more determined to do it. I'm trying to get myself to believe that it's good that she's going ahead with this--the sooner the Playing House Together fantasy dies out, the better, so go ahead and get on with it. Or hoping that the rush to put the kids together with OM is some kind of sign that the affair needs something more to keep it going. I don't know. I think staying completely dark about it is the way to go, but I'm open to suggestions. If the kids suffer for it, I'll know that it won't have been my fault.

In the mean time, I have to resist all the other Non-High-Road temptations--pull the trigger on divorce; unload on WW with the LB'ing reality of what she's doing; go out to bars and look for cheap, tawdry sex; find a 27-year old babe to take up with, and bring her on dates with my kids. I won't mention the ones that involve violence. None of these are serious, of course. (If I knew where to find a 27-year old babe that would go ou with me, though. . . .)

Nope, I won't do any of that stuff. I'll spend the night over at the beach condo, take my son to baseball practice tomorrow, take a long beach walk, maybe rip down the lights in my house that I hate, maybe do some retail therapy, and try to remind myself that this is temporary.

I feel like I've been in pain for such a long time, though. Is it still realistic to think that WW can come out of the fog after, what, almost 20 months?

You'd have to check w/ your lawyer, but other's have gotten court orders to do just that. It is terrible on kids, so most courts frown on OP being around children.



If she breaks a court order she will be in big trouble.

Her having to keep OM away from your kids will only help take away the thrill of the A.

~ Marsh

WW had the OM over with the kids again last night. I don't know what to do. Stay dark with the Plan B? Confront her? Take legal action?

I don't know what to tell the kids, either. I haven't been keeping secrets from my DS7, so he knows that OM is the reason that WW moved out, but I don't know what WW is telling him. I don't want to get into one of those situations where the kids get poisoned by what the parents are telling them. So today, as I dropped him off from baseball practice, I told him that I would always be his father, and that it was okay if he liked OM even if I didn't. I get them back for a week starting tomorrow, so maybe I'll talk more with him if he wants to.

Looking for answers, but I know that there aren't any easy ones. Can anyone point me at research or data on how exposure of kids to OP is harmful?

I think that you can file separation papers in California, and have a stipulation that your spouse not have your kids around an OP, but I'm not sure.

However, I think it is wonderful the way you talk to your son.

Everyone with any brains knows that it is CRAZY to have children around an affair partner. Even when I was dating and my kids were young, I didn't have my dates around my kids.

But I think the most important thing is the way you are coming along side your son and talking to him.

I've talked with both grandmothers today (separately), and they both tell me that WW and I need to discuss what the children are being told about OM. My mom from the point of view that the mixed messages are going to mess up the kids. For example, before practice I asked DS7 what they had for dinner last night, and he said "That man came over again last night. I didn't like that very much." And I expect him telling me that was at least partially what he thought I wanted to hear. I don't want to put my kids into that position.

MIL tells me I need to talk to WW about it because she needs to face some of the realities of what she's doing. That a message needs to be communicated to the kids, and that I'm not going to lie about it, and when she stops to think about what she's doing, she may not like it much. Also, that WW needs to hear when DD3 says "I hate Mommy days." My thought here is that I'm just going to get a big fat dose of Fogtalk denial from the crazy lady, but I agree that something needs to be said.

So I think I will construct an email about talking with the kids. If WW would prefer to communicate FTF, I might do it.

If I post what I'm going to tell her, will you guys help me critique it?

And am I deluding myself here? 20 months in the fog. How much hope is there?

Yes.

~ Marsh

Here's a first pass. Then I'm going to a neighborhood party and will try not to be the guy that everyone feels sorry for.

Sub: Talking to the Kids

To be honest, I’m a little surprised that this came on us so fast. When you told my mom that you would wait an appropriate period of time before exposing the kids to a new partner, I was thinking that would be longer than a month after your moving out. And I guess I’m also surprised at how much contact there has been. To be clear, I don’t think it’s in the best interest of DS7 and DD3 for them to be exposed to OM. Since you are doing it, however, maybe we can agree on how it should be explained to them. Keep in mind that I am not going to lie to them.

So I guess my questions to you are

Is this how it’s going to be? Is he going to be at your apartment with our kids most evenings? According to them (and it’s not like I’m pumping them for details) he has been there two of the last three nights you have had them.

How have you explained his presence? What is it you want me to tell them, because they do bring it up.

Have you told [our daycare provider] about this? She ought to know so that she knows how to handle it when the kids start bringing it up in her presence.

Also, do the kids complain when it’s time for them to come back to my house? How should we handle situations like that? You mentioned previously that you wanted to know if there were issues regarding the mental state of the kids. They have said some things that I just thought you would prefer not to hear. Do you want me to pass those along?