I told my WH, 'I am no longer your friend, not while you choose to hurt me, openly, with OP'. I left it at that. They (WS's) don't really hear it anyway.

I think you are right to rewrite a letter, to be more firm on NC between you and she. It would be good to restate that you are more than ready to communicate, when OM is gone and she is in NC and counseling. Don't state too much of the obvious, of course she is FREE to do as she wants. Just stress that the children are your main focus now.
Be specific, if you must, like, stating that you will not answer the phone when she calls, but she may leave a message if it is about the children, and of the UTMOST Importance, or a decision that the BOTH of you MUST make...

There's PLENTY of hope.

You've only been in Plan B a short time. She's already squirming...Go darker and her pain will grow.

Her A will end! It's YOUR love that may not last...that's why you MUST go as dark as possible....to protect what's left of your love for her.

Dark dark dark.



Sounds good to me.

~ Marsh

Thanks, guys. Especially about the hope. This place is a lighthouse, and there are so many great keepers.

I'll post what I come up with before sending.

Okay, first pass for an email:

Subj: Communication

I know that things could be very different between us, which is part of what makes this so hard.

My concern is now for our children. You are free to do whatever you choose, but do not expect me to be your friend while you openly hurt me with OM. In order to protect myself, I intend to neither see nor talk with you. I will be a cooperative co-parent for our children, but I believe that any communication required can be conducted via email or text-messaging (or through an intermediary, if you prefer). I will, of course, respond to voice contact in the case of emergency.

This is not about punishment--this is about protecting myself, the kids, and you from this situation.

I will be happy to resume regular communication with you once your affair with OM is ended once and for all. This is not what I want. The door is still open.

Hey, I just saw that OM lives in my town. If you ever need me to spy, just let me know.

Yep. But I gave up the spying, remember?

Hey...you didn't vandalize my WW's car, did you?

sdg, how bout this???????


WW, I have accepted your choice to be with OM. It is not my choice. I know that things could be very different between us, which is part of what makes this so hard. You are free to do whatever you choose, but do not expect me to be your friend while you openly hurt me by continuing your relationship with OM.
In order to protect myself from further pain, I find it necessary to remove myself from your life. I intend to neither see nor talk with you.

I will be a cooperative co-parent for our children, but I believe that any communication required can be conducted via email or text-messaging (or through an intermediary, if you prefer). I will, of course, respond to voice contact only in the case of an emergency.

I do still love you and wish that we could have another chance at making our M work, but there is only so much heartache a person can take. I need to heal, and in order to do that I need to remove the one thing that causes me the most pain, that is you and your actions.
This is not about punishment--this is about protecting myself, the kids, and even you from pushing us so far apart that we have no basis to recover from.

I will be happy to resume regular communication with you once your affair with OM is ended once and for all. This is not what I want. The door is still open.

I'll tell you one thing, vandalized cars are very common in this town. It happens all the time.

The vandalism was reportedly done in lipstick and said something along the lines of having sexual relations with one's own husband. Or so I was told by OMW, who says she neither did it nor saw it. Don't know. Don't care. The reference was a joke.

Thanks for the suggestions, FB, but I'm thinking the best way to go is to say nothing at all and just stay dark. As my IC pointed out today, I appear to have taken the high ground/upper hand, so why give it back by engaging with her? If and when she complains about it or tries to subvert it, then I will resend my original Plan B letter.

So, what do you guys think? Is dark a good idea? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

great point. sounds like you have found a good counselor. and I think staying dark is always a good idea. you are doing so well. stay with it.

I'm feeling tired, anxious, and depressed today and have been all week. I'm not sure why--whether it's the virus I have or situational depression. I've been running a low-grade fever for several days now but don't have a lot of other symptoms. No contact with WW since the weekend, plus I've been around my family a lot, so I would think I would feel better. Maybe I need to check the AD dosage. Or is this just another stage of my journey?

What do people think about divorce/separation support groups? Our MC (who didn't pick up that my W was still a fogged-out WW) is starting a group. My first thought is reluctance, because I haven't accepted that my marriage is over and don't want to start thinking that way. Anyone else have experience with these kinds of support groups?

sdg...I have no idea about formal support groups..but I got together with 2 friends that are having a hard time in their R (one separated...one on the verge. no infidelity), and it felt good to be validated.
and in the position we are in...we need all the support we can get. it can't hurt to give it a try...and if you don't get anything out of it, you don't have to go back.
keep your chin up.

sdguy,

I can only tell you that I went through an initial withdrawal when there was NO communication DIRECTLY between me and WH during Plan B. You may be experiencing depression from this, however, illness will compound any bad feelings.

You may not think so, but you are doing very well. I don't know much about divorce groups, but I don't see how going to a meeting and observing could hurt you. Every group has it's own dynamic, and you may have something to add from MB that others are unaware of.

I think divorce groups are great, a good place to share and get support. Be aware that it will probably be mostly women. That is how it usually is.

Sorry you are not feeling well. Drink fluids and get lots of sleep.

I think things that were/are making me anxious are 1) that she is going ahead with the divorce, and 2) that after the last blowup the communication thing was going to be difficult.

I know that I will be okay if not great if we actually get divorced, but I don't think I'm ready to be okay with divorce. Maybe that's just part of wanting to be able to take her back.

The communication has been okay (there hasn't been any).

I'm a little worried about support groups that are mostly women, because I know that I'm really vulnerable right now.

Most support groups have rules about seeing other members. However, my experience is that there will be mostly women. I think it would be good for you, and you can share some MB stuff.

Here's the latest email from WW. I described to MIL the whole vandalism phone call mess via email so that MIL would know what WW was dragging her grandchildren into. Opinions welcome:

"Yes my mom forwarded me your email. Before you go spouting OMW's or your version of things to other people you might want to check the facts. Not that it is any of your business but OMW was not provoked that Saturday night. Yes she did vandalize my car. I have pictures and the police saw it when they made the report. Yes I called her because of what she did but no I didn't say vicious things to her. And I wasn't at OM's when OMW came to his house. He did call the police because she had no business being there, whether I was there or not.

Neither OM nor I are doing anything to provoke either one of you to use it in a custody battle. It just isn't needed. DD7 and DS3 are not being exposed to any kind of muck unless you are doing or saying things that are inappropriate. They aren't being dragged into anything.

I've heard some things you have told OMW about me. Do not talk to her about me. What business is it of hers, what bearing does it have on anything, and why do you think anyone cares.

If you have issues with anything you should talk to me about it not everyone else. I thought you were composing an email to me.

There is no way that you and I will ever be again. I did not leave you for OM. I am moving on you should do the same and do the best we can do for our kids."

She is HATING Plan B!



LOL

Pot meet...



...Kettle

What proof did she have that OMW did it? Did she have pics of her doing it?

GMAB!




Didn't SHE tell YOU not to call OMW b/c she is soooo unstable????

Why would SHE call her then????



Interesting choice of words here, don't ya think?

PROVOKE?

Where's Schoolbus? I'd love to hear what she thought of this e-mail.


What's not needed? Provocation?

She's right about that. Provocation isn't needed for a sane parent to fight for custody when the other parent has their head up their [censored].



I thought she believes this woman is unstable...why would she believe anything she says?



LOL



LOL

It was HER business to have an A w/ OMW's husband, but she draws the line at OMW having any conversations about her. Got it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


LOL



LOL

She REALLY wants you to quit Plan Bing her.



She REALLY REALLY wants you to talk to her.



If she is done w/ you, why does she keep reaching out to you???? Especially when you have stopped talking to her?

Waywards are so screwy.

SD, I know you already know this, but I need to say it...

STAY DARK!

Also, I gotta tell you, I see alot of emotional attachment to you from your WW. I've seen it all through your thread.

Plan B IS hurting her.

Alot!

~ Marsh

Thanks, Marsh. I needed to hear that, and more. If someone can steer Schoolbus over to get another opinion, I would love to have it.

This took a lot out of me again (plan FU started to sound good), and my brother and sister-in-law have agreed to be my intermediary for emails so that I don't have to suffer from this junk. We weren't sure whether it is better to tell WW that email is being screened or just to have them screen it and have the ones that I don't need to see just get deleted. Any opinions?

Don't tell her, she will just try to manipulate the screeners, then manipulate you once she has messed them up. $.02