sdg....thinking of you, good luck tomorrow....and yep Its going to be a big trigger....even though knowing that wont make it hurt any less.

(((((sdg)))))

I'll be praying for your inner peace tommorrow.......don't let her steal that away from you.

Allow for it but don't cater to it. Sometimes I make time for myself to cry and be pitiful alone and then I have a hard time shutting it off!

I had taken the afternoon off yesterday to go the the mediation and then have a little bit of recovery time before I had to pick up DDs. Mediation was canceled but I took the afternoon off anyway. Allowed myself to go through the emotions but did stuff for me too. I didn't just wallow in self pity and dwell on the situation, I did stuff for me.

It'll be tough. I agree that it is a trigger and it makes me mad that I have to come out of darkness to deal with it all again. But I am also so much stronger because of the darkness.

Now when I get triggered, it's more of kick from a BB gun rather than a big game rifle.

At first I wrote 'plan on being bent' but realized that it wasn't right. Allow for being bent seems better, and I'm thinking mostly in terms of whether I will be useful at work. Today, for example, I'm not worth much.

I think it's possible (if not likely) that I will come out tomorrow feeling strong and good. I'll try to do something for myself (massage?) regardless.

Yup, allow for it (glad you're not planning for it). Denying it may happen isn't any better than catering to it. Good way to view it.

I feel pretty useless at work on some days and it makes me feel guilty. My employer and fellow employees have been so supportive, I feel like I am letting them down when I can't focus and give my full attention to my work. I completely understand where you are at with this.

It's absolutely possible that you will come out tomorrow feeling strong. You are doing what you need to do and putting your children first. That alone should make you feel good about yourself. WW doesn't have that luxury, she is the cause of all this pain and destruction.

I love how the waywards get us in this mess and then expect us to be "fair". Their version of "fair". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

We're with you, sdguy. You ARE strong and good.

Fox

SDguy,

Knock them dead tommorow. I will be thinking of you and your kids all day. Be the shield. Your kids will grow up good and will always remember that they have a great father.

sdguy, hold steady tomorrow. You are doing so well and you have the support of so many. Treat this meeting as any other that you may have, just like a public speech or presenting for a department head your research. The butterflies will fade as the conversation goes on. You'll be just fine. Hey, you could always use the ole picture everybody in their underwear thing...

sdguy,

You will be in my prayers tonight and tomorrow. Hold your head high and know that you are standing up for what is right.

I think your gameplan is solid - I'll be stealing some of it when my time at mediation comes in April <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Got the kids back today. They were telling me about the dinner they had last night and commented that mommy ran out of milk. Then DD3 told me that "OM brouht some over." DS7, knowing how I feel about OM and that I don't really want to hear about him, quickly added that he didn't do much with him because he was in the bath. I reminded him that it's okay if he has fun with OM.

Sigh. Nothing is easy.

Thanks for all the good wishes. It's so great to have a group of people who understand pulling for you. The concept of consoling one another in person rather than electronically is appealing, but I suspect I would wind up having my own affair if it were possible.

Anyway, Ill let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Hey SDguy,

I just wanted you to know that I have been on this site for years reading and getting advice form all of you guys but up until now I never signed up. I have read your posts from the start and you and I are going thru most of the same things.

I have a DD4 and an 11 year old step son… and I live for them both. It’s so hard to stay sane thru all this but we need to be there for our kids.

It’s crazy that the things your WW has done to you my WW also is doing to me. I really believe that it is all textbook fog. It’s still not easy to deal with even when you know that they are out of there mind.

I really have been praying for you and I know that something good will come out of this for both of us.

I know that this is the first you are hearing from me but I feel like I know you, and if you every want to hang out and vent I live in Temecula (an hour form San Diego).

God Bless

I survived. I actually think I did really well. We agreed on 50% custody as per our previous agreement. I was calm, civil, and collected the whole time. I don't think I LB'ed much, even.

WW didn't look up when I entered the lobby, so I sat somewhere else. Then all the people there had to watch a video on why making mediation work is really a good idea. Then we waited some more in the lobby before we got in with the mediator.

The mediator asked us each questions, and you're supposed to respond to the mediator rather than interrupt one another. WW answered that the agreement works, the children are what's most important, that she thought there should be more FTF communication regarding the children but that the bulk of communication was via email or TM, that we each get along well with the children, and that she didn't have any concerns about my ability to be a parent.

I answered that the kids are adjusting okay (they don't like it and would rather live in one house), that email works fine for me (the mediator was pleased that we had an effective form of communication and said we were ahead of most people--a win for me), that the kids love her, but that based on her routine exposure of the kids to her married affair partner, I do have concerns about her parental judgement. Mediator let WW respond, and WW said that yes, OM has been over for dinner, not every night, plays with the kids some, that he has divorce in the works and is not a short-term fixture in her life. Mediator said (to WW) that in general having new partners around the kids so soon is not good for them but that the court wouldn't stipulate anything about her personal life. Since WW wouldn't agree to prohibit overnight visits, I had the option of letting it go to a judge, but the mediator didn't think the judge would take any action without evidence that OM represents a threat to the children. Rather than risk the agreement, I backed down, having been heard and gotten an appropriate response from the mediator. (not that WW heard it, I'm sure).

We had to wait in the lobby while the mediator typed it up, I couldn't leave the OM's divorce alone. I said 'that case was dismissed and can't be reopened.' WW replied 'All I know is what OM's lawyers told him.' SDG: 'I wonder why they would have told him that.' and then 'You should check with the court.' WW: 'I don't have the case number. Do You have the case number?' SDG: 'Yes, I looked it up. It's pretty simple.' WW: 'Well, I'm not that worried about it.'

So I planted the seed. It would have been better if someone else had done it, but I couldn't resist. I hope it grows. I checked with my lawyer for other possible interpretations, but the case was dismissed in Feb of 06, so his lawyers must have known this when he met with them in December of 06.

On the way out of the meeting, I looked at her and said 'Do you think you deserve spousal support from me?' She looked a little taken aback and hemmed and hawed 'I don't know . . . not very much . . . and probably only for a short time . . . don't know the finances.' She said some other foggy low-grade make-me-look-bad things, but nothing significant.

Overall, a pretty good outcome for me, although it doesn't feel that way. I'm drained and triggered over the OM's divorce thing. I'm tempted to fill in her parents on the details, because it sounds more and more like OM is just stringing WW along (*gasp*) and that WW has a Great Fall coming. But I'm not going to. I'm going to sink back into my Plan B.

I really want a massage, but I didn't schedule one and the clinic is booked. Bummer.

Good job. Your wife will be thinking about the OM's divorce. It sounds like he is not telling her the truth. OM very seldom leave their families for the OW.

Stay dark. She will probably start thinking about it and doubting him.

Good for you, sdguy! Sounds like it went as well as could be expected. You stood your ground and got your point across.

I have to think a bit more on how to handle the no overnights with the opposite sex for either parent when they have custody of the children....my lawyer tells me that a judge will not tell WH (or me) what to do with our personal lives. But somehow, I want this point made. Mr. W gave me some good advice on this issue, I'm just trying to work it in right.

I'm proud of you, sdguy. It's tempting to get back into the fight...but don't. Plan B, you know it works. She needs to find out all the info regarding OM on her own. It will come, just try to be patient. The A will be destroyed by the lies between her and OM. You've planted the seed, now watch what happens with it. Those waywards are a suspicious lot, I dont' imagine she'll just ignore it. Especially if she thinks you know something she doesn't know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Fox

Thanks for stopping by, XTremeBS, and giving a glimpse of your situation. Post more and, as you have seen, you will get great advice.

I agree that it's textbook fog. It doesn't make it any easier to watch, which is one of the points of Plan B. The long, slow train wreck, and all we can do is stand here and say "But . . . but . . . ."

sdg!!!!!!!!!! great job...I can only imagine the weight you were carrying around and tonight will bite...but as you said back on the horse tomorrow. try to squeeze in a massage this weekend, better late than never.
keep up the good work.

sdguy, BRAVO! You made it through a gut wrenching day, and what's great, you got to expose OM's lies to WW without it seeming so obvious. It was part of discussing the care of your children, and it has merit in the discussion.

The next couple of days will be a bit rougher than usual, but you know that will fade and you will be cozy back in Plan B

I'm going to a baby shower on Saturday, and then I was thinking of taking DS to see a movie sometime. BTW, throat is right as rain again. I played outside for about an hour after picking DS up from daycare. It's so nice to be outside and active.

I know that the cyber-support group thing can be a bit tough, without the 'physical' support of seeing a friends reaction or having them pat you on the back or laugh at your self depracating humor, etc, and so on. The GREAT thing about your support group here, is that we ALL understand (BS, FWS, FBS, Recovered, etc.). You will never find so many so interested in your personal recovery. It's like we're all vested in each other, and that is good, as it keeps us all going, and helps us face our fears, and heal.

Feeling pretty good, actually. I saw a person who was still completely fogged. It's pretty clear she hasn't really thought through what she's doing, that it's garden variety WW stuff, and that it will all fall apart sooner or later. If it's later, I'm okay. I already feel strong in my plan B again, and I know that she is suffering, whether she admits it or not.

I miss my wife. The mother of my children. The sad, pathetic person I saw today was not that person. I would like to help her, but she is beyond my help, and I have no use for her. I really hope to see my wife again, though.

I agree completely about this support group. I have friends that I can still talk to, but there's really no substitute for a group of people who "get it" and can speak from all angles of the problem. I can't say enough how much I appreciate all of you. I recommend this place all the time now. And I feel a personal investment in all of you. I want All of us to succeed and know that we will in one way or another.


Better Life Through Chemistry.

Glad you made it though today.

I know what you mean about seeing a pathetic replacement for your wife. That is something I see every day when I drop off and pick up my kids - a woman who looks miserable, sad, depressed, a shell of her former self - truly an alien.

sdg,

It is great to come to this place and know that there are other people who know exactly what you are going through. It stinks that we are here, but I am glad also to have the support...

You sound great and strong! I am happy that you are finding it easier to recover from triggers. I think that plan B definitely helps in that area. We may get triggered but the rcovery time shortens and we feel stronger after each one.

Good for you in mediation...it is a very stressful day, no doubt, but you did well!

IHC

I was more triggered than I thought. I had to fight back urges to contact both ILs and OMW to tell them WW still thinks OM has filed for divorce (which he hasn't). I want her to know that he's a scumbag and is stringing her along.

I had lunch today with a friend, who asked me if I was also turning 40 this year (which I am). He was curious about how I was going to celebrate. My birthday is in December. I told him that I didn't have specific plans, but I hoped that I would be celebrating with my wife, and if that was the case I wouldn't care what I was doing.

Is that wrong?

sdg...no its not wrong...its that light at the end of the tunnel....what all this hard work is for....

that's what you keep plugging for...thats the hope you are keeping alive.

I agree completely about this support group. I have friends that I can still talk to, but there's really no substitute for a group of people who "get it"

thats just it....validation....I was stumbling around and I would NEVER have had the strength I have now, if not for this place and the so many wonderful people who are here asking for nothing and just giving so much back. I have learned more about myself through this journey...about boundaries and just about living life in a healthy way. I can truly say I am changed forever...as a result of the A and as a result of the growing and learning after the A.