sdguy, it it not WRONG to think about what your ulitmate goal is here. You WANT your M, you want your W, and you are fighting like h3ll to reach it. We grieve every time that contact is made.

It's never wrong to want your wife back. I want my H back, may not get that, but I WANT it. For me, our time may have passed, who knows, this may have been the last false recovery, to be replaced by real recovery WAAAAAY down the road. I don't know. After ALL that I've been through with WH, I STILL want my M, but a good, solid, REAL M.

I've had the kids since Wednesday. Today was DS7's baseball game. I've been doing assistant coaching, but today I have the kids, including DD3, so I informed the guys at the last game that I probably wouldn't be able to coach too much today.

A couple of hours prior to the game, I get a TM: I will be at DS7's game and will watch DD3 while you coach. I responded (probably shouldn't have): I already planned to watch DD3. We get to the game. DS7 is doing the warmup stuff. I have snacks, markers and paper, a towel to sit on--I'm ready. A little closer to the start of the game, I took DD over to the playground, where she began playing with the sister of one of the other players (talked with her mom in pre-game and filled her in on my situation).

The game starts. I'm standing over by the playground, but watching the game. Up walks WW. She basically walked up to DD and took over. I ignored her and started talking to one of the other moms, but the next thing I know, WW is walking over towards our stuff with DD. I was torn about what to do. I went back toward the stuff--DD wanted her sunglasses. WW told me as much. I told DD if she needed anything she could tell me. WW said "What's the big deal?" I let WW take DD back to the playground and went back over to the game and coached.

I was really tempted to get into it with her ("If you want to be their mother on my days then you should come home" or after calming a bit "You went against what I wanted to do here") but didn't. I remember what Schoolbus said WW would do:


So I did nothing. A bit later, she called my cell phone (from her Affairphone, no less). I let it go to voicemail. She told me DD had to use the bathroom and they were going to look for one. I knew perfectly well where the bathroom was, and if DD had been with me, it wouldn't have been a problem. WW found it eventually. After the game, I went over to the playground to get DD. WW saw me coming and sent DD over. I took DD, turned, and walked away without saying anything.

WW left without ever saying anything to DS. I've calmed down (not that I was ever really hot) and think I did pretty well. I'm back on how pathetic it is that she thinks she will have a life with this POS.

I'm open for tips on how I might have done it better. I think reacting to the sunglasses thing was a mistake (I was worried she was going to sit down and start giving DD snacks that I brought).

SL, I don't think your time has passed. He hasn't bottomed out yet.

sdguy,

She pitched a few curves and changeups and you still did great. I don't see any real LB's or EO's. Anything anyone here could tell you is just 20-20 hindsight. You did what you had to without any notice. The kids got through without any upset and that was gold. That stinks that she never really watched your son play or said goodbye. Has he noticed that?

If you ever want to come to Colorado I could use a good assistant coach.

You have been a total rock these past few weeks. Great job. Your kids will remember how you were there for them forever.

I would consider sending the following text message next time she intrudes on your time:

[/color]

Triggered triggered triggered. WW sent me an email yesterday asking for stuff for the kids--clothes, mostly. She asked for the kids' membership cards for the zoo, so she will probably take the kids to the zoo (this is good. . . but will He go, too?). She also asked me to burn our digital photo library onto CDs or, if I didn't want to do it, arrange a time so that she can (Oh, sure, Now she wants to have pictures).

I had a hard time getting started today. Now I just dropped the kids off. I took them to the front door, dropped the stuff. I was in the process of hugs and kisses when she opened the door and said "Howdy." I completely ignored her, finished my goodbyes, and walked away.

Triggered. There was nothing in the email, really, but it upsets me anyway and makes me irrational. Any contact is hurtful. I'm still angry. But I'm off to the beach, so maybe that will help.

ugh!!!!!! sorry sdg.....all of a sudden she wants stuff from home....thats whats getting to you... scr#$w her. I would not burn her pictures...or let her come and do it...didn't she have an opportunity to remove her belongings before the LSA???? grrrr!!!
I am angry for you. dang WS's are so selfish. seems like she is inventing reasons to push your buttons.

btw, your play at the ball game was perfect...you are my hero....that takes pure self control...your kids are so lucky to have you. how on earth did you restrain yourself....I would have wanted to tell her to flip off!!!

I hope your walk on the beach helps...I need one too so take a big inhale of that salty air for me, huh???

Ugh!

So sorry about your recent run ins.

Next time ya need to coach the older child, maybe you could bring someone along to keep an eye on your three year old.

Hope the beach was warm and relaxing for you.

~ Marsh

Too much contact over the last few days, and I'm still triggered. The first 40 minutes of my beach walk I was having the conversation in my head. It went back and forth between 'what she's doing is morally wrong, what are you exposing the kids to and teaching, don't you get that' and plan FU. Pretty angry.

Then I realized that I hadn't even looked at the ocean. And I remembered that I was going to have a thought for SL and take a breath for FB. And so I sat down and looked out at the water and thought about how great it is to have a support group like this one, and I sent out positive, happy, peaceful ocean thoughts to all the Killer Bees: Chris, SL, FB, Fox, LilSis, IHC, Still, Luna, Ken, eph, eav, DesireWisdom. Hope you guys all received them.

Feeling a little better now.

ARGH!!! You handled the situation with great restraint and dignity. You amaze us all. It's quite tough to Plan B with these run-ins, especially as of late. Your WW is having a really TOUGH time here.

SB called her out on all of this behavior.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I still have hope that my M can be saved, but hope can bring suffering, as we quietly wait to start over.

I like Kayla's approach to TM'ing your wife regarding her recent run-ins.

There is movement here. She has hit the next phase. She is trying engage you yet again, but now she gets nothing in return. So she leaves and doesnt know what that means...what to do with it.

She will be back to try again. She will invent a "crisis."

Kayla stated that you should text her and tell her to get home if she wants to co-parent. While I love the sentiment, I cant agree with that one because I think it is more important right now to defend that boundary...to stay as dark as possible. Just one text message will let her know that you are still there...still engaged. And you dont want that. I think you handled it well by just walking up and getting your DD and walking away. My wife also played at this...making things look she was there to be with the kids. But, in the middle of the affair, it was just an act. Sure she loved the kids...but they werent her priority! So, dont let her knock you off center.

Instead, when her silliness comes and she sees no reaction out of you...and watches you from afar as you are happy (or at least appear to be) and she has become irrelevent...she will begin to panic.

Just because you cant see things happen doesnt mean they arent. Keep defending your boundaries. Stay dark. Whether you know it or not, it is getting worse for her.

sdg..thanks for thinking of us.....
hope you get some more inner peace....I hate that time alone when your mind just goes off wandering....I am trying to think of a way to reset my mind....almost like a rubberband that you snap to bring your focus back to those things you can actually affect change in....like your self.

kind of like SL shaking her head to get the thoughts out...I tried that but it gave me a headache...maybe I was trying too hard!!!!!!!lol

well, it is nice to have the support of all these killer bees.....but maybe someday we wont have to be killers and we can turn back into the honey bees that we were....

Sdguy,

I think Sarge Mortarman nailed it. Wayzilla sent two emails this weekend that tried to initiate bogus divorce crap paperwork contact. I did not respond to either. DD19 passed along my response to accomplish her requests without my having to see her skinny butt. From what I am hearing she has doubled up on her daily dosage of Noassatol and her eyes are sunken with profound black bags. Sounds very pretty.

But again, Mortarman is right. Don’t underestimate the burden the wayward is carrying around at this point. Maybe reality does start to seep in and they start to get short glimpses of who really wrought this pain and what is being lost. The original plan during the glory days of the affair of still having the pathetic crying betrayed spouse to fall back on if the affair comes apart is over. They know now that the betrayed spouse is moving on and in time will not be looking back. They reach the cliff they have been working so hard to get too and it’s time to have to take the dark jump into the unknown and it is probably scary up there. We know that it's scary because the waywards put us on that same cliff and we finally chose to jump when we went into Plan B.

You are doing great. You know you have a future and are losing any fear about moving into it. She is not as certain.

sdguy, you did well with the contact. We can't do it perfectly everytime. Your detachment is bothering her, keep it up.

Thanks for throwing good thoughts out for me at the beach, I need all of them that I can get.

Fox

Thanks for the vote of confidence, guys. I think staying dark is the way to go, but I would certainly like to express the sentiment Kayla mentioned. I'm not sure I could do it without LB'ing, though.

I'm still triggered from all the contact. It was hard to get started today, plus I find myself wanting to know what's going on with WW. Is the Plan B working? Are there any changes? But this is not what Plan B is about. Like FB said, I need to reset myself back onto me, because worrying about the other stuff is a path to madness. The actions of my WW have been pretty textbook so far, so I will keep up the faith in my Plan B.

It is evident that Plan B is working for two reasons:

1.Your wife is pressing the boundaries (people dont get angry over or make an effort at that which you do not care about...if she was "gone" she wouldnt even try!!)

2. You were doing fine before the contact. This means by staying dark, you dont have to live all of these triggers. Right? This is the main reason for Plan B. And it has been working for you!!

So, go back to darkness, give it a few days, and it will settle down again.

I promise.

Hey, just wanted to say you are doing great. Keep her in darkness.

Thanks for remembering me. I count so many of you here as my friends. Even though we may never meet, our lives are forever entwined because of our common experiences and our encouragement of one another.

Hebrews 3:13(NIV):

But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today....

I got an email today from WW. Because I am hypersensitive from recent contact, I am somewhat triggered. WW recently got a kid cell phone. I asked him to start using it so that I would know when it was him on the phone as opposed to WW. Here's the email:

"Thanks for the stuff. If you do use sippy cups with DD3 you might want to double check the covers before you use them. One you sent was still dirty with I'm chocolate milk. I'm guessing someone didn't take out the plastic valve and wash them separately.

The phone will be kept in DD's bag. DS7 agrees that he doesn't need to take it to school. It can be charged with the same charger as yours. The one that came with his phone I will be keeping here.

Also I will be giving my Verizon phone back to you soon (along with the charger which you can choose to use for DS7 or not). When I do you can start paying your Verizon bill from your own funds. My cell phone number is 760-xxx-xxxx."

Okay, so before I say anything, I will stipulate that the plan B thing for me to do is to ignore it and not overanalyze it the way I am about to (I'm human). Also, under no circumstances will I reply to it.

So, on the surface, this is only mildly poisonous. If she is moving on, she doesn't need to keep the cell phone in our family plan, and I find it somewhat hurtful to me because I don't want her to move on. But then I thought about it a little more.

She's the one who extended our plan 2 years when she got the kid phone a couple of months ago, and Now she wants to get rid of her phone? Plus, Saturday was the first time she called me from the Infideliphone. Then, Sunday, she let DS7 call me from that phone. Now she emails me with her New Cell Phone Number, which is no longer in my area code, but is in the area code where OM lives.

At the mediation on Thursday, I basically called her out that OM hasn't made any move to divorce his wife and potentially lied to WW about it. So now I'm wondering if this cell phone thing is her response. 'See? We are going to be together forever. We share the same cell phone plan (and I want to make sure that you know it).' It just seems like she's pushing the cell phone thing at me a little too hard. Or am I overreacting? It's okay--you can tell me.

Here's the response I'm not going to send: "It's really great that you share a cell phone plan with OM. Let me know if actually makes a move to divorce his wife so that he can legally be with you. Or on second thought, don't."

Okay. Back to dark. Me me me me me me me. Me!

sdguy, she sooooo wants to push your buttons and get you to respond. She still bugs me when she tells you how to parent, "you might want to double check the covers before you use them" Blech...

Don't respond! You're doing great. She's probably changing tactics now that you didn't respond to the first venomous email. She probably thinks she is "helping" by reminding you to check the covers of the sippy cups. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

She'll come to those realizations about OM in due time. You can count on it.

Can't offer much in the analysis...probably best to stay away from that if you can. I know the urge to do so, though.

Be tough with your Plan B, it is getting to her. She doesn't strike me as someone who likes to be ignored. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Fox

Sdguy,

I have recieved 5 emails from Wayzilla over the past month regarding divorce paperwork, cell phones, money transfers ect. I have only responded to 3 of these and used a total of 6 words, "Yes" "That's fine" and "Yes to Both"

There is no required response from you based on that email. Send nothing.

I'm with Chrisner...no response needed!