I love that song too. I toot it out on my trumpet on occasion. I picture Shirley Jones (pre Partridge Mom) in the Music Man. I was just a little kid but I was totally in love with her. Merideth Wilson scored a lot of great tunes in that one. I think The Beatles played it at their Ed Sulivan debut. Yeah, I am old enough I saw that too.

Hey SD! Hope you are feeling a little better today. The weekend is just about here! Go visit that beach. That must be great to be able to take walks on a beach.

Oh, I am a sucker for a good musical...

When Ron Howard sings his refrain with that lisp, priceless. Shirley Jones, was and still is, very beautiful.

Again, guy smiley, I really hate you, dang beach walking, sassa frassin, rrrrr......

I hope that you have a better weekend! Hope you get sand in your eye!

I was feeling better last night, but it's morning again, and that's when the depression is worst. Thinking about how much longer it's going to take for the affair to fall apart now that OM seems to have weaseled his way out of lying about his own divorce. Thinking about being better off without WW. Thinking about telling her what a shallow, weak, pathetic person she is, and what a lousy mother she has become. Thinking that I don't want her back. Thinking about my kids living with this POS. Thinking about how much I hate him. Thinking about my kids and about how DD3 told me this morning she misses Mommy and that she wished she lived at home (I agreed).

Another day chock full of productivity ahead. I'll feel better in a bit, though.

Thanks for reminding me that you hate me, SL. It makes me smile.

You and the kids are all better off without WW. It's W who must return home or nothing.

Guy smiley, I'm glad I put a teeny smile on your face, you deserve it.

You know, I have SAID all of those things to my WH and it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference, 'cause here we are, still separated, still not speaking, still hurting my son. I have to admit, it did feel good to say some choice things to him.

My son says that he misses his daddy all of the time. It's almost as if I'm getting used to that level of pain, so DS would have to dole out something worse for me to FEEL it. I have a PAIN BASELINE. Maybe being at this for two years has worn me down a bit. I'm really fed up with the whole waiting on him, thing, but I'm really waiting on the WH aren't I, because that is who first shows up at the door, before recovery begins, isn't it?

I want my H or nothing. Well, not nothing. Strike that. I want my H or I want to move on to someone else who will be GROWN, like me, but allow my goofiness. My H used to be that guy; he's nowhere to be found. Again, PAIN BASELINE.

Sorry, I misspoke. I meant to say thinking about being better off without W. WW can go to ******. She is dead to me.

Lots of anger today, and I want someone else to hurt the way I do. Someone besides my kids.

But I'm working it out of my system (with the help of mis amigos who listen to me).

Yep... I hear ya, sdguy

Frankly, the anger phase scared me because I'm not really a very angry person (Miss Peacelover...that's me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ) but I was SOOOOOOOO angry at my exH. I wanted HIM to hurt the way that *I* hurt and the way that he had hurt the kids and didn't give a rip. Plus...nothing personal but that anger did not go away very quickly. On the rare occasions when I am angry, it's usually a couple hours or a very short time anyway, and THIS anger just stayed and stayed!

Soooo, first you should know that being in the anger phase in pretty normal. It's reasonable to be angry that your dearest, most intimate friend betrayed you. It's reasonable to be angry that the mother of your children betrayed them. And for what???? I know you don't want to LINGER in the anger phase, but just know that it's normal and that it's also pretty appropriate.

Second, I would say that this might be an excellent time for you to write a letter addressed to WW that you do not intend to send. Tell her EGG ZACK LEE what you think of her and her affair, and tell her EGG ZACK LEE how you feel. IRL you will never, ever have the opportunity to tell her these things in an atmosphere where she will be willing to listen and admit the error of her way...but by writing it out--with swear words and all--will help you get it out of your system. After the letter is written, take it out into your garden and burn it--and as the smoke of the burning letter goes up, let it go.

((sdguy))

Your faithful friend,



CJ

I have a journal and some notebooks where I write stuff like that from time to time. Haven't in a while, I guess, because I haven't had too much stuff banging around my head. Or maybe it's just that I've been getting a lot of journal-type stuff out of my system by posting it here. Probably the posting here, now that I think about it.

I know that I have been banking anger--putting it aside, ready to give it up if she wakes up. I am a very forgiving person, but if our family is permanently ripped apart because of her affair, all that anger will be realized. I guess it's starting to leak out as it seems more and more likely that she will not wake up (in time, if ever).

Thanks again to all of you that have been supporting me lately (Chrisner, SL, BC, IHC, Still, Rin, Fox, CJ). I really appreciate it!

Have a great weekend!

Hey silent,

I sang that song at a wedding once! great song...had never heard it before then, but really like the words...beautiful!

guy smiley...

I think you should find some physical activity that will help you release some of that built up anger/aggression. I find that when I can really just DO something (oh say like go to the beach...)I can work out some of that emotion. And of course it helps the depression part too.

I know this angry feeling all too well and am still hashing it out right now too. I HATE WH! If H ever appeared...different story, but this man makes me sick and I cannot stand him.

I am sorry you are feeling this so strongly this week. Sending warm wishes to you.

Have a great, relaxing weekend...and beat the tar out of something if you can!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I went to a party Saturday night with a bunch of people I used to work with, and it was great. A lot of my original support group, so they would say "Yeah, but how ARE you?" I got lots of great hugs. Friday night did a neighborhood thing, and both the kids and I had a good time.

WW told me that she wouldn't be able to keep the kids on Saturday because she would be out of town. Then she was late picking the kids up today. The kids don't know why, and I'm sure she won't tell them.

I'm speculating that the infidels went somewhere to celebrate his filing for divorce, but it's merely disappointing to me rather than devastating. I know I'm not supposed to be speculating about stuff like that. Let the 2x4s rain.

Beautiful day here. I'm going to walk on the beach, but I'll have to remove the sleeping kitten from my lap first.

SDguy,

Speculating is almost addictive isn't it. Try not to think about it. ( I know Iknow coming from me)

I'm so jealous that you have the beach nearby.... I love the ocean. Can you find a sand dollar for me?

Still

guy smiley ( in lower case, as i know the smile is hard to come),

when I was a child, i loved going to Savannah in the summer with my mom and brother and sister. I was quite young, maybe 4, the last time I went, but I remember the sand. It was this beautiful gray color, like the color of a low wintry sky filled with that gray connoting that tons of snow is coming your way. I would also dig for sand dollars. I hold that memory dear. I don't really know why I'm saying it now, maybe to give you a visual on the beach or maybe just to distract you.

Assuming anything just causes pain, but you are going to do it anyway; I always did. Still do. I kid with you, because comedy helps me and it gives me an uplift, even if only momentarily, and my hope is, it will help you too.

All things considered, I am doing okay. The walk was great--nice and warm, great surf, and lots of beautiful people at the ocean. There was a cute lifeguard wearing a red swimsuit, and she saw something and ran out into the surf. It was just like Baywatch.

I sent this email to WW the other day:

"Are you going to propose something? I'm confused--you said that you wanted to work something out on our own but haven't put forward anything. My preference is to work with you rather than pay lawyers to do it.

Is there any chance you're going to reconsider this divorce?"

The last line was basically an impulse. Not a good one--the timing is terrible, but there it is. Here's the response I got today:

"Yes I am going to propose something. I will send you something tonight (Sunday)."

Hey SD.

Hope you are doing okay. Did you get any response last night?

I'm sorry that she didn't come to her senses, YET.

I so know what that contact and waiting for a response feels like. Look, truth is she doesn't know what she's doing, you've said so yourself. She's adrift, allowing these things to just happen. It is painful for me to even read her response, and she's not my WIFE! I have to point out that these communications sound eerily similar to what I would have with WH. She would prefer to not have to deal with all of this. It's her bed now, guy smiley...

One thing that I began to do was to heap responsibility where it belonged. I no longer fostered my WH's decisions, I just said this is the choice, it's up to you to make it. I let go, and to some extent still do that, as he is a grown man, capable of making choices. I gave that back to him.


One last thing, notice how she didn't answer your question? Just pointing that out.

You asked if she was going to propose something, to which she replied, "Yes. I am going to propose something." But you ALSO asked if there was a chance that she would reconsider divorce---NO ANSWER TO THAT ONE.

As SL is showing us, don't give up hope...praying for you!

I'm feeling relatively good this morning. The counter-proposal came back, and it is reasonable. She's asking for temporary spousal support, but much less than the court would mandate, so I think I will take the agreement and stay dark until court.

I think I probably overreacted (*gasp*) to his filing. I think that I need to calm down and resist the urge to DO SOMETHING. The whole moving in thing is complete speculation on my part.

I did notice that there was no response to my final question, and I was expecting a big fat NO to whether she would reconsider divorce. Also nothing about it in the proposal, and the proposal is a temporary support agreement, so there's nothing final about that, either.

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

just keep swimming...

Great minds. I almost posted that one instead of the marathon thing.

I hate running...