I had a whole paragraph written and DS erased in one key stroke. I still don't know what he did.

What I was going to tell you is that you said somewhere that you prefer words to physical action so venting here may be your best outlet for your anger. I've been working the speed bag lately when I'm at mom's and that seems to be the most theraputic for me.

I've pretty much gotten over STBX, but her parenting skills and basic abandonment of DS still anger me from time to time.

So if venting gets the job done and cussing works even better, then email me so you don't have to hold anything back. I'll come up with a rating system and judge you based on profanity, humor, cleverness, intensity, and maybe even a free style catogory.

Down the road we can have an awards ceremony.

Tell the cat I said 00110100111010110010101010

Later

Funny how they still need to hide their "HAPPINESS" from the world, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The continued lying (and not just to me) must mean something. Maybe only that she's a typical WS. If she really felt that she were doing the right thing, why wouldn't she be able to tell the truth about it? Continuing Fog, right?

I still have urges to Do Something, but they are less significant and easier to overcome. Urges to try to educate her (find the 'this is what divorce will do to our kids' literature and send it to her), urges to punish the SCQ ("You think that you are a good mother. Does a good mother do XXX? Does a good mother do YYY?" "What lessons do you hope our children will take from your recent actions?" "Explain to me what you're doing that makes you a good role model for our children."), urges to set the record straight for my kids ("This is not my fault. Your mother is hurting all of us because she wants to be with OM, who is a very bad man."), urges to get other people to help (I have communicated with ILs but not with OM's parents--hmm, maybe if I talked with them and showed them what a good guy I am. . . .), urges to get back some control (start dating, buy expensive things).

For me, these urges follow triggers. I am far enough along that I recognize that these are urges are not constructive to my purpose, so I acknowledge the urge and what it means and then discard it. I will not do any of these things, but the urge is there anyway. I think that these are natural, but if you're not aware of what's happening, they can take you places you don't really need to go. Are you listening, Rookie Bees?

I think it was Xetta who asked what the hardest part of Plan B is. For me, it's dealing with getting triggered.

Amen to ALL that sd.

I don't even know that the urges follow a particular trigger. I seem to just randomly have them. like a thought of some great little nugget that I could just leave on the ILs answering machine. ("Don't ask, don't tell. How's that working for you?" click.) Sort of like drive-by messaging.

And we all remember jim's proposed ho-bombing. There's always that.

And all the other little schemes that seem to meander through my mind as I'm driving or doing some mindless task. (mindless times are not good; I seem to self-trigger)

Because of course! we all know how we can DO something to change this unbelieveable situation we are in. Logic has failed, so what does that leave us with? Ideas that are equally as ridiculous as WS's rationalizations.

I wish I could stop that kind of ideation...as you said, we'd never do these things, so why do the urges come anyway? Honestly, it only adds to our frustration, don't you think?

(((SD))))

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hear you...sometimes I still feel like a Rookie...right now I'm trying to decide to call STBX about this weekend and next! Need to find out if he's taking the kids...really ahrd decision to make for me...

The SCQ just called me. I let it roll over to the machine, and she left a message saying she couldn't find her car keys and needs to take DS7 to school tomorrow morning, and could I bring her another set. A few minutes later she texted my cell phone with the same message.

I looked, and there aren't any spare car keys in the drawer where they would be. The only one I have is the one on my key ring. I think that this means she took whatever spare keys there were when she moved.

Super Dark Guy thinks that maybe it's an attempt to break Plan B and that we should ignore the whole thing. Guy Smiley thinks maybe we should take the keys over in the morning.

Super Dark Guy--
Here is a Plan B suggestion that is also civil. As I understand it, she has CHOSEN to leave you and any help you could offer her. Furthermore, it would seem that not only has she lost her original set of keys, but she also took the spares when she moved out and has lost THEM. However, at the same time, DS7 has to be taken to school in the morning. I suggest that you make a copy of the key on your key ring (so that you're not giving her YOUR key)...and I suggest that you agree to "come to the parental rescue" and take DS7 to school. Document that she was unable to get her child to school and that you volunteered to MAKE THE TIME to be responsible and get him there. Then, when you pick up DS7 in the morning, leave the copy of the key so she doesn't have to rekey the car (expensive) and so you look like a civil, cooperative parent.

I believe that's in the spirit of Plan B (caring for the child, not for the WS), and I believe it also shows the court that you have the ability to be civil and cooperative.



CJ

P.S. That means, you could reply "I am able to take DS7 to school...will plan to be there at Xam to drive him. Please leave a VM if you find your keys" and that's all. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE COPYING THE KEY. Just give it to her when you pick up DS7 and say, "I found this spare..."

Thanks, CJ.

Good Morning! I hope that you are well today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Rin

Thanks. I'm good so far. I slept well (but not enough) last night and survived dropping the key off. The SCQ was remarkably unappreciative, but maybe that's because I was very cool about giving her the key.

I wonder whether it even crossed her mind that "she has a lot of nerve calling me for my help after what she did Memorial Day weekend." Waywards are just bizarre.

Selfish entitlement. I don't think anything crosses their minds until they exit the fog, IF they ever exit the fog.

That very entitlement is why I suggesting TAKING THE CHILD TO SCHOOL rather than just dropping off a key. If you drop off a key, her response is something like, "What took you so long getting here? We're going to be late now." It is NOT"Wow, thank you so much for helping me out of that jam! Especially after I treated you like a jerk!" That's because if a WS was someone who could accept personal responsibility, they would also be able to admit their mistakes and end their affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

OTOH, if you take the child to school, YOU look like the responsible parent who can care for the child...WS looks like the irresponsible parent who can't even care for themselves...AND if you offer a copy of the key, then you look like someone who CAN BE civil and cooperative (to court and GAL), whereas the WS looks like someone who is not able to be civil after the treatment on the holiday weekend.



--CJ

QUOTE: "It is NOT"Wow, thank you so much for helping me out of that jam! Especially after I treated you like a jerk!" That's because if a WS was someone who could accept personal responsibility, they would also be able to admit their mistakes and end their affair. "

Amen faithful!

It was a great distinction, CJ, and one I applied carefully. I didn't turn over the key until it was established that I would take DS7 to school. I don't think I was a jerk about it--the only thing I said during the exchange was "Is he ready?"

I had forgotten that I had two keys to that car, so there may not have been another spare. It worked out well, because I was able to just hand over the extra key.

The whole Wayward-Fogged-State-of-Mind thing continues to amaze. It's like the Memorial Day weekend trip didn't even happen. Because of her actions then, I seriously considered not replying to her call last night and letting her face the consequences of her decisions. If she has any recognition of that, I can't see it. Does she think I don't know what happened that weekend? Does she just not care? I think the answer is that she has rationalized to herself what she did is okay and is excluding any other points-of-view, but it's still kind of astounding to witness. I honestly find it interesting enough that I would like to question waywards on it, but it would be difficult to do without being judgmental.

I would love to be able to look inside a wayward's head, even if it was just for the "Ewww. . . gross" perspective.

Hey SD!

Glad to hear you got through your "Keymaster" and "Gatekeeper" adventure. I think when this is done I will start to look for a Gatekeeper that looks like Sigourney Weaver. I could deal with that.


Nope.


Yup.

How are you and the kids doing? Disneyland must have been fun with kids that age. DD19 wants to go there when we go to the Big Bob's MB bash.



I think a tour of a waywards brain would basically be a porn version of Dumb and Dumber.

Disneyland with the kids was very cool, if somewhat challenging as a lone parent. There was a bit of the competition thing, and DS7 was aware that the presence of DD3 was going to affect what rides we could do. Dealing with meals and bathroom breaks was a handful.

DS7 would have liked to go a bit more intense with the roller coasters, but the junior one in Mickey's Toon Town was good enough, and DD3 really liked it. It was her first time on a roller coaster, and she wasn't sure she wanted to go, but her response when the ride stopped was "Are we going to do that again? That was so cool."

And DD3 wanted to meet the Disney princesses, so we stood in line so that she could have her picture taken with Sleeping Beauty, Belle, and Mulan. Very cute, but her saying she wanted to meet the princesses was even cuter and reminds me of W and how she must have been as a little girl. DS7 wasn't interested in this, but I sat him down with a book, and he was fine. DD3 ran out of gas and conked out on my shoulder before the fireworks, but neither of the kids were that excited about fireworks anyway (unlike me).

Saturday was great, too, once we got out of the freeway traffic, between birthday parties, time at the park, and watching Mulan for the first time. The Sunday transfer was non-triggering. Afterwards, I went for a long beach walk. My vision is still intact, no thanks to all the naked men I passed.

The kids seem to be doing fine, although they continue to talk more about wanting their Mom to come home. They know that I miss them when I'm not with them. We have "family meetings" every couple of weeks, and one of the standing agenda items is Opinions. At the past three meetings, both of their opinions have been that they want Mommy to come home (no prompting from me). I think making it okay for them to talk about this is good, and maybe it will make it safer for them to bring it up with the SCQ.

Good Job SD!

You're doing one he11 of job keeping the kids best interest at mind and appropriately talking to them about the sitch.

Keep it up. You're gonna be fine

Wow SD! Wow!

Family meeting?! Most excellent!

I am also very impressed w/grown men who stand in line with their DD's to see the Princesses!

You are doing great with them

Glad your eyes are OK! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

VERY IMPRESSIVE SD!

LMAO...Bugs...back off, YOU'RE MARRIED! Oopps! I forgot I am too...LMAO...

Oh, Well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> SD, you're the bomb and we all know it, I'm wishing you the best that RSCQ (retarted) comes to her senses...if not I have a size 4 shoe 4 her! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Great for you.......In the end you will know and someday your children will know that you stood tall and firm and fought the good fight regardless of how this turns out.