That did help, BC. Funny stuff.

Thanks for the thoughts. Venting it out here is enough, I think. I'm not going to send any repsonse, or if I do I will text her "missed VM, pls send email." There was a significant delay between the call and when my phone signalled that I had VM, so she may have left a lengthy message, and it might have had more in it than homework hassles. Email gets screened, but the SCQ doesn't know that.

I guess the other thing I'm struggling with is being okay with OM being around my kids. It's not okay, and I'm not okay with it, but there isn't anything productive I can do about it. Obsessing over it isn't going to make it any better. For example, whenever the kids say something I haven't heard them say before, there's a little flash of "Did they learn that from him?" I'm working on this, though. I know that I'm a better parent than the SCQ can hope to be, and I know that my kids love and respect me.

Sis, I'm tired emotionally and physically. Guy Smiley wants to see signs that my Plan B is working, but I don't. Super Dark Guy knows that we can't know what's going on over on the other side. People around me hate to see me in pain but all agree that I'm doing way better than I was even a few months ago. I intend to keep doing my Plan B, because even as it is my life is pretty good. It's not like I have anything better to do.

I think this is just a triggery dip in the roller coaster ride, so I am already looking forward to the trip back up. Starting Wednesday, I have the kids for 5 straight days, off two days, back with me here two days, and then we go on vacation for 9 days. The vacation will be very very good for me and the kids. DD3 turns 4 on Friday, and I'm planning a small party with neighborhood kids for her. Plus, we'll do something for Father's Day.

Thanks for listening!

So, 8 hours later, I sent the "missed VM, pls send email" text message, and within a minute she calls back. I didn't answer, of course, but she left another VM, and I listened to a bit more of it this time. I was wondering whether there was something else on the first one (could have been a few things), but it seems that all she wanted to talk about was the homework thing.

Didn't understand why homework wasn't started until 8. . . thought that we could handle it, but apparently not. . . she waited until 7:30 and then figured we had it covered but <click>. I'd heard enough.

So, she was defending herself for not being able to talk to her son and presumably telling some lie about when she stopped checking the phone. The homework was completed and turned in without issue, and she would have known this when she got my TM, but she calls back immediately to hassle me about it. I read this as the SCQ feeling guilty for not being available to her children and then lashing out at me in response.

That's what it feels like to me, anyway.

SD,

I have a stupid question. What would she do if she did not have you to blame for absolutely Everything on the planet?

I mean, really! I expect to read the newspaper tomorrow with the headline "SD to Blame For Global Warming, Terrorism in the Middle East, and Bird Flu"

Well, Everybody knows that Global Warming is a left wing conspiracy, Terrorism in the Middle East is a right wing conspiracy, and bird flu is a...ughhhhh....veterinarian conspiracy?

OR WAS IT FSK?

now it's starting to make since.

So just what HAVE you and your cat been up to MR SD?

Huh, didn't think we'd figure it out didya

Maybe that's why the FBI was at school the other day.

[email]D@MN!![/email] How could we have been so STUPID!!

I'm reporting this

I'm writing a letter to the President first thing in the morning.

Here's today's email from the SCQ:

"DD3 had a rash yesterday under her arms where her shirt is always next to her. Probably due to whatever the laundry product that you used that caused this last time. Hadn't seen the long sleeve blue cat shirt in awhile so maybe that shirt didn't get rewashed after the last time this happened with her. If that shirt was not missed when you rewashed her clothes after the last time you should look at your laundry products again and rewash her clothes in something less irritating to her.

Did you get my VM that I left the second time? I will continue to call you when I feel it is a better way to communicate with you about kids issues. I will not do everything thru email and text messages. Going back and forth with emails doesn't work for everything when we could settle it in 5 minutes."

I don't think I even told you guys about the rash thing. I think I decided it was probably the dryer sheets (and stopped using thme), but neither my mom nor I could ever find the rash on DD3, nor was it reported by our daycare provider. It's clear that my parenting skills are deficient in what's really important.

So many possible responses to that email, but I will send nothing.

No sign of the fog letting up.

At what point does it go from heroic to pathetic that I'm still holding out hope for my marriage?

Did you have a pre determined time line for Plan B?

Dear Super Dark Guy,

Your hero, Guy Smiley, is doing his best to smile through life whilst being volleyed left and right with emotional arrows from the WW. We need you to swoop in and save the day! Please cover Guy Smiley with your wayward resistant Kevlar vest, and reflect her hurtful message back at her. Please take Guy Smiley deeper into the cave of darkness so his defenses are impenetrable. Please give him your Super Hero Glasses--the ones that give him x-ray vision so he can see through the fake exterior that "looks okay" to the interior that is rotting and ugly. Please give him your "Reflecto-Ray" so that he can "reflect back" all the hurtful things she tries to hurl his way. Please give him the "Pax-o-tron" so he can zap his home and his family with peace and tranquility. Please give him your "Turdometer" which measures the turdiness in a person--so he can see that the words she says are turdy...and the words he says are gentle and well-intentioned.

Super Dark Guy...WE NEED YOU!!!

Your super midget friend (and Guy Smiley's mama bee),



CJ

So, not only is SCQ THE authority on sippy cups, but now laundry as well...hmmm.

So, SDG, how are you even managing to function all on your own? I mean, from what I can tell, you must be the stupidest man on the planet...whatever will happen to your children!!

Sarcasm rant over!

An amazing dad...yet treated like an idiot...ignore that lame e-mail and stay dark...and remember how many of us think you rock!

Okay, guys. Thanks for the boost, CJ. And Bugs and IHC, you're right--I must be some kind of moron. It's a wonder my kids are still alive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I guess the emails and VMs are getting to me, because last night and today I felt anxious and depressed. When I'm feeling better, maybe I'll make a joke about other uses for the X-ray glasses.

BC, no pre-determined time table. When I started, it was three months and check, so I did that. I feel like I'm still doing that--going a while and checking--but I don't know what I'm checking for any more. Is it whether or not I can keep doing this? Because I can. I'm not suffering any permanent damage or anything. Is it looking for signs from the SCQ? Because I don't know what they are.

I think maybe it's time for an appt with Jennifer and a pep talk.

It's been six months in Plan B. Now just might be a good time to get with Jennifer and take some inventory. I'm sure she'll tell you to give it another 6 months if you have it in you.

I think you're gonna need a pretty good pep talk to last that long.

Supporting you which ever direction you chose.

Now I feel bad for exposing you to the government.

Sorry man

No worries, BC. They haven't found me yet, but I hear that FSK is on the top ten most wanted list. I may rat her out just to get some relief from the attacks. And because I'm tired of trying to figure out whether 11000101100 means "feed me" or "clean the litter box."

HI, Guy SMiley...

Droppin in on you...just think of me popping out of the cake sort to speak...

The message is "love me, I want to play!" If the second number one was a zero then it's clean the litter box! Come On mAn! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Super DUPERdark Guy,

I hope you don't mind, but this comment from SCQ's email really bothered me:
Can I be honest with you? I don't think she has experienced a truly dark SDguy-moving-on kind of Plan B. I've reviewed your thread here all the way back to the beginning, and you know what I'm seeing? You say that you're in Plan B, but you two have contact every couple of days!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

May I suggest something? I think your WW is getting sort of a reverse EN met. It's a theory I have. Some EN's are like Dr. Harley describes...for positive stuff: the EN for admiration or affection, for example, is when one spouse needs and/or seeks out positive stuff from the other spouse. My theory is a reverse EN...a photo-negative if you will. This is when a WS builds up blame, anger, irritation, etc. with the OP, but they don't want to vent it at the OP so the seek out SOME KIND OF CONTACT with the BS so they can nitpick and find some little thing to vent the blame, anger, etc. at. It's a negative EN--the need to vent blame or anger at someone else, so that the A can continue without having to bear the weight of that venting.

I strongly suspect that something like this is happening with your WW. Life could not possibly be "all roses" with OM and Turdland. They are now entering the phase where they have to deal with bills, alimony, CS, step-kids, ex-spouses...and it has GOT to bring a lot of stress to their supposed "love story." So what does your WW do? Rather than realize that it's the OM that she's mad at, she seeks out some sort of contact with YOU and then finds some dumb little nitpicky thing to vent anger at YOU!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> YOU don't clean the sippy cups correctly!!! YOU don't use the "right" laundry detergent!!! In fact, YOU are the cause of all her issues right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

SDguy, this is why we suggest NO CONTACT in Plan B. If your WW had been doing all this nitpicky complaining to ... oh, let's say me as your intermediary ... I would have returned her emails to her without every notifying you and said, "Are you kidding? Emails like this are unnecessary. He will clean the sippy cups as he determines is appropriate in his household." YOU would have never had the heartache and emotional rollercoaster of the whole sippy cup episode, and SHE would have no one to vent her blame at. She would LB with the OM and the A would be breaking up!!

SDguy--you NEED to get an intermediary. You NEED to go minimum of one month with no contact...and I mean NONE! Let her experience the consequences of her choice. That includes losing car keys...and laundry detergent emergencies! Do not give her access to your heart. Guard your heart from the pick-pick-pick damage that a WS can do, and DO NOT CONTACT HER. Period. In any way. EVER. Let her go through your intermediary or in the event of dire (blood or fire) emergency, CALL YOUR INTERMEDIARY.

You need this for YOU, SDguy. She is going to be royally pissed, because she's losing her reverse EN, but you need it for you. If you have no intermediary, contact me via the email addy in my signature, and I'll help ya find one.

Your mama bee,



CJ

I agree with CJ on the reverse EN theory. It gives them more reason to 'dislike you' which in turn keeps them away. She has to prove to herself again and again that she made the right decision and she is reinforcing it with her negative attitude towards you. Justifying her actions.

I am no plan B expert AT ALL, but it seems that if you have gone as far as you have with almost no contact, maybe you should just go the distance, and do the full blown plan B, like CJ suggested.

That being said, you are a great dad, and a good man. You are doing what is best for your family. And you should be proud of yourself! Keep it up for you and your kids!

oooooh, CJ! That was good! sdguy, I am by NO means good at Plan B. Right now I feel I HAVE to give in a little and email back and forth for court purposes.

I was amazed when I grabbed a one page yearly calender and color coded (yes, I'm anal) my contact with WH during Plan B. Almost EVERY week! No wonder he didn't "get it".

I don't know a way around it right now with court looming so soon. It's just too big a risk.

If you can, DO IT. I think CJ is right, it's reverse-EN. Continuing to blame YOU for her unhappiness. That's a crock, show her it's a crock.

Guy Smiley, CJ has a good point.

After our last false recovery, I went fully back to my intermediary with PWC. Completely cut him loose and had no contact directly with him. Much needed time for PWC to think about his world, without me in it at all. I think this may serve YOU very well. I will gladly throw my name in there if you are in dire need.

SCQ's reaction to you is seemingly a control issue. You duck out on her and she will have no further control, and will be forced fully into her choices, without anyone to boo hoo to, or to place blame on. Put her on ignore and get an intermediary!

She can complain to OM about all of these silly interactions with you, and place the blame for all of THEIR problems on YOU, because you are available to take the fall. If you cut her off, she will be left holding the bag. Even if this does not bring her back, you will be able to fully disengage. You need that; you need to be eating and laughing and loving. Every day that you go without is one day too many. This will allow you to fully let SCQ go. Give her choices back to her, and walk on by. Her choices, and you DON'T have to live with them...

I've been trying to tell this to SDGuy for some time. He is NOT in plan B. In fact, he even got her his spare set of car keys. I'm not trying to nit-pick on you, SD, but CJ is completely right. Your WW still has CONTROL over you. Once she feels that she has lost ALL control over you, she will seek to exert her control on OM. This will not go over well because he is running from his own wife because he doesn't want to have to answer to her. I'm sure there are many intermediaries available that would be willing to help you. Don't be afraid to ask for their help.

Guy, as I said, I'll throw my hat into the ring for intermediary...

Thanks for the great input. I agree that my Plan B is not as dark as it might be. I also agree that the recent sniping contact from the SCQ are about her not being happy about her situation. I don't know that she consciously blames me, but think that I am a convenient target to lash out at (not that it matters, really--it's FogChit however you think about it).

In terms of a Yeah-buttal, we have two small children and share custody 50:50. The schedule goes 2 days, 2 days, 2 days, 1 day, 2 days, 2 days, 4 days, 3 days. The only direct exchange is on Sundays, but still, with that much back and forth, it's just not realistic to think that there will be No Contact (this directly from Jennifer).

There is also legal stuff going on, where I have reached better deals negotiating with her than doing the dark Plan B thing of just letting the lawyers hash it out. The difference in support is something like $1000/month and thus worth doing in my estimation. I have to be a bit careful--until the agreement is signed and with the court, she can change her mind. This should all be signed off in about a week and a half, though.

I think there hasn't been as much contact as it seems, too--there have been plenty of 7-10 day stretches where there has been no contact at all, but clearly there could be less contact, and she probably does still feel like she has control. I have an intermediary for email, but the SCQ does not know that the emails are screened. Do you think I should tell her about the intermediary? That would make the filtering process easier, I think, and remove the perception of control.

So, I've seen a lot of benefit from Plan B and know that I could get more if I go darker. I still want to discuss it with Jennifer, but maybe I will resend the Plan B letter and drop the curtain even more once the paperwork is signed off with the court--maybe when I get back from vacation at the end of the month.

Thanks again for the good advice (BC, CJ, Jim, Fox), offers for intermediary duty (SL), and kind words (Sadmo, Rin, Sis).

I'm feeling much better today.