Boy, she's got good timing (or not). You've been feeling cruddy and here she comes to add to the cruddiness.

Sorry, sdguy. ((((sdguy))))

I don't have any advice for you. I'm in my own pickle. I'd say, don't respond, but what do I know?

Fox

P.S. Don't forget to breathe.

Oh, man, Fox. You made me smile, and I wouldn't have thought that was possible.

Yeah, it's nice timing. I was just starting to feel better when I get hit in the stomach with a shovel.

I think FF's advice is right.

You know SD, from what you said about this A, I think we can all see that it won't last long term. Outsiders see things more clearly. I hope you have the will to outlast it though.

I agree, delete the email....

Okay, I deleted it.

This is one for Super Dark Guy, and he's been falling down on the job lately. Super Dark Guy would laugh this off as the spewings of a prototypical WS without giving it a second thought. If forced to respond, he would say "I only do marriage. You can talk to my lawyer about divorce."

Gotta find that costume. . . .

SD,

Did I see somewhere in your thread that you spoke with Jennifer Harley? I have a phone appt. tomorrow and was wondering if you did, and did you like her?

Yes, KG, I've had a few sessions with Jennifer. I have found her very helpful, especially in giving pep talks and keeping hope alive. Everyone wants to know what their chances are or how long it will take, but she will studiously evade answering this question (because it's different for everyone and there are no guarantees). A couple of pages back there's a post about my latest session with Jennifer. For me, when things get really bad, I turn to Jennifer.

I'm still bouncing around today from the email (I was hoping, of course, that the SCQ had been rethinking divorce, and the email indicates that she isn't), trying to decide what, if anything, to do differently.

1) Just ignore it and continue with what I've been doing

2) Install a darker plan B, where the SCQ knows her emails are being screened and there's an intermediary for the Sunday kid-swap

3) Throw in the towel

4) Calm down and breathe

As I type this, it seems like a Duh moment, but at my last session with Jennifer, her advice was more like 1 than 2. And she would recommend 4, of course.

SD,
That's good to hear. I know that I've seen lots of positives on Steve, but not much on her. I'm looking forward to the session. Will check in tomorrow evening and let you know how it goes. Hang in there...

The kids went back to the SCQ today. When I took them to daycare, DS7 was carrying his shoes. It turns out he had two left shoes. He called me this evening and asked me whether I could bring another shoe over. Now? I asked, and he said sure.

So I drive over with both shoes and as I'm walking up to her condo I can see into the kitchen. The OM is standing there, wearing comfortable house clothes, cooking. He turns and looks at me and continues as if nothing is amiss. No attempt to hide anything. Nothing. I drop the shoes, ring the bell, and walk away, slamming the gate.

Rage. I talked with my parents on the phone and calmed down a bit, but I'm still incensed.

This morning I sent the SCQ an email 1) telling her at which daycare DS7 would be today, and 2) replying to her questions with one word answers, including No for Have I looked into refinancing the house. Is this a retaliation for the email or are they just incredibly insensitive or both?

I want them to hurt. Knowing that they will someday isn't doing it for me right now. I want for the gush of realization of what they've done to hit them all at once. I want to send a letter to his children and tell them what kind of man their father is and what he did to his mother. I want to protect my children from their filth. I want to have never married into her pathetic family.

Of course, I can't do any of those things, and I certainly wouldn't undo my children. I'm breathing.

On one hand, I'm asking myself why this feels like such a big deal. I as much as knew that this was happening, even if I hoped otherwise. So how does this make anything different?

On the other hand, maybe this is the last straw. I don't know how much longer I can do this. It's getting harder to brush away the fact that I will probably be better off without the SCQ.

Does anyone see hope here? It's over six months of Plan B, over two years of affair. Are there *any* examples on the board of a WW who came back after that long? Maybe it's time to move on.

Advice wanted.

Mortarman is one off the top of my head. And most affairs don't last two years AFTER exposure. There will be a point where she will consider coming back. The questions is whether you will have already moved on. Whatever happens, you will walk away with your head held high.

In my opinion, when SCQ has the children, it is then SHE who needs to come to your home to pick up things for the children (you can leave stuff on the front stoop); SHE is in full charge at that time. Even if your son calls you, he needs to defer questions of that nature to your WW. Stop helping them; it's enabling them to just go about life with you picking up the slack.

That email was not important, it was just her pulling you back into her crap; keeping you on the line, hanging there, even with the D proceeding. She's got you good right now. Every email, every exchange, every game, she gets to take bits of you with her.

Going darker would be my suggestion. Once I did, I really let go; and I was ready for whatever came my way. I was no longer afraid. I didn't want a D, but I was not afraid, because I knew I would be happy. I just did. YOU cannot let go until you break off all contact.

I'm not angry with you, guy smiley, I'm concerned for you. The darker you can be now, more than ever, the better. Cut her Guy fix off completely. Personally, when I once and for all did this, I felt much much better on a daily basis. I still wondered what was to be, but it never stayed with me for too long.

Thanks, SL and Jim.


Maybe this is what I need to do. I've known all along that I would be happy whatever happens. I think I've been fighting so hard because an intact family is what I want, and I'm not used to not getting what I want. Talking with my IC, I think that there is a control issue at work.

I've been afraid to let go of the hope, but all I feel for the SCQ right now is disgust.

Need to keep breathing.

Hey, sdguy. I haven't posted to you much as I have no idea what advice to give.

I have to agree with SL about SCQ needing to do the work when she has the kids. If they need something, SHE needs to do the running.

Oh....but maybe that is power struggling. In the end does it matter WHO gets the shoe to where it needs to be? I dunno, ask BR. She's a master at identifying powerstruggles. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I can't imagine what you felt when you walked up and saw OM in the window. I will give you kudos for not making a huge scene about it. There are some who would not have been able to keep a handle on the rage and would have knocked on the door and confronted SCQ and OM. Good job on controlling yourself. I know it's tough.

Here's a thought for the vets. Is that maybe what the SCQ is looking for? Her man to stand up and fight for her? Does the fact that sdguy saw OM there and simply walk away show her that he doesn't care?

When my WH blew his top after he "caught" Bab's BH and I at a rodeo together, I wondered if that was what he wanted from me when I found out about his A. Did he want me to make a huge scene and show him how important he was to me? Did he want me to fight for him to prove this?

The day Bab's and WH showed up at my house and she was knocking at MY door, I can't tell you how badly I wanted to step out that door and knock her on her a$$. I felt like I was such a chickenchit for staying in the house and calling the sheriff.

Would it have done any good to knock her on her a$$? It would have felt good at the moment, but in the end, WH and I's relationship would not be improved by that action. It would have just united them against me MORE.

I never caught them together prior to this but Bab's BH did. He regrets not knocking my WH on his butt at the time. I kinda wish he would have. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> May not have made a difference, but maybe it would have.

Just questions....food for thought. I have no idea what the answers are.

I'm not advocating that you do that. I think you did great by walking away. I'm sorry you keep feeling stomped on.

There's no simple way to let go, we each get there when it's time.

Hang in there, it'll come.

Put a shout out to some more vets...specifically. They may suggest a change or have some other ideas.

She's got you on the run and that can't be good.

Fox

THIS is where a large part of your anger and depression is coming from.

Here's the thing....I know you were being a good dad, trying to take care of your kid when you know his caretaker is less than attentive....

However....you are NOT being a good dad when you put yourself in a situation that makes you vulnerable and cause harm to you.

Why?

Because for every hit you take, you are one step closer to divorce and not recovery. You son may need his sneaker right now, but long term, he needs both his mom and his dad.

This is why the 2x4's come out when you break plan B. (Wild are you listening!?)

The best thing you can do for your son is to care for his dad right now.

I do NOT think you are powerstruggling with your wife!

You are however, powerstruggling with God...

Here is my prescription:

The Language of Letting Go

No, I'm not. (fingers in my ears, singing "lalalalalala"


You can't even give me a little one, BR? Geez, you're tough.

Take care of you, sdguy, your kids need you.

Fox

Okay. Thanks Fox and BR.

I guess I'm a bit thick-headed, too. I keep taking hits, and they hurt, and it's getting harder and harder. It feels like that I'm Done point is right around the corner.

I'm going to figure out how to go darker.

Sdguy,

I have read your thread with interest and must say you have grown tremendously.

I do have a question. Have you challenged (in writing) WW/SCQ having you children participating in her adulterous relationship with OM, including exposure to OM, having him for sleep overs, et al? If not, why not? If this goes to court I would think that you would want to show that you neither condoned or supported the notion that the WW has and continues to expose your children to her paramour, confusing them, hurting them emotionally.

If this goes to court and you have just gone along w/ WW's actions regarding this it will be more difficult to use it against her at that time. I made it abundantly clear up front that exposure to OM in my case was unacceptable and to do so would insure the greatest effort in court to hold her accountable. Also, had it ordered at the temp hearing that he was not to be around our son.

You may have already thought of all of this, but I was just curious.

Hi, HAP

Thanks for dropping by. I would have done that if I thought it would work. California is a no-fault state, and everything I've heard is that the court won't interfere in her personal life. I've talked with my IC, my lawyer, and the court-appointed custody mediator about it, and unless 1) he presents a danger to the children, or 2) she agrees to it, there isn't a way to prevent my kids from being around the POS OM.

I would have had to pursue full custody to get the adultery before the court, and the indication from the mediator was that the judge almost certainly wouldn't give it much consideration. The courts just don't do that here in CA. Since she indicated from the beginning she only wanted 50% custody and I wasn't sure that I could win or wanted to pay for a battle, I have done what I have.

Believe me, I wish it were otherwise. It's one more thing that I have had to accept, but every time it's pushed into my face I get closer to being DONE.

Things SCQ is teaching our children:

if the truth is inconvenient, lie

promises don't matter

if you don't like the consequences of your actions, blame someone else

she's more important than they are

Lots of things like that I would like to say, but I write them down instead.

SDGuy,

I feel for you.

I think breathing is a good idea.

Here's some advice:

If you walk away, then don't slam the gate. You don't want to give her satisfaction in hurting you.

Like Fox said, restricting myself to slamming the gate was enough of a struggle, but your point is well taken.

I subtly inquired from DS7 today about the shoes, and he told me that the SCQ did not ask him to call me (rather told him he would have to wear different shoes) and that she didn't know I was coming over. So it wasn't deliberate on her part. Immoral, foolish, developmentally harmful for our children, yes, but not an attempt to hurt me.

My own fault for not protecting myself better. Gotta protect myself better. I'm feeling a bit less DONE now, but it looms more and more.

SD Guy - is OM in the military, and have you exposed to them?