A very acceptable policy! So let the final healing really begin SD. You deserve it!

Here here!

Good for you, sdguy! Now print that out and keep it handy for future reference.

Fox

woah there sdguy...not so fast.


This is not acceptance. This is judgement.

Acceptance is:

I accept that, for today, my wife chooses to live with another man.


This is not acceptance. This is judgement.

You don't know what her motivations were.

Acceptance is:

I can not cause, control or cure adultry in another person, including my wife.


This is not acceptance. This is not even true. They probably ARE being damaged.

Acceptance says:

I accept (not approve!) that my children are being harmed by the presence of active adultry in their lives. I accept that I can not remove the influence of addiction brought into their lives by their mother. I accept that I can add the influence of a good example in their lives by being the best father I can be.


This is not acceptance. "Probably" is a guess because you can not know. Acceptance doesn't deal with guessing. Acceptance is about reality.

Acceptance is:

I accept that I am better off without SCQ as she is today. (You can not and do not know the future SCQ, so TODAY's SCQ is the only one you can accept.)


More future stuff. Relationships are not luck. This is not acceptance.


Better....I would leave off the "maybe she never will" because you don't know, but at the same time, reality does include the fact that she may continue to choose the same thing she is choosing today.


Are you re-writing history? This is a judgement.


FINALLY.

Let me remind you - letting go is NOT GIVING UP.

Letting go is where you simply live in today and make choices based on the reality of today instead of the fear of tomorrow or the guilt of the past.

I accept that there is some good stuff in there. I accept that I knew I didn't have it all quite right and that BR would point out where my thinking is flawed.

I accept that, for today, the SCQ chooses to live with another man. I accept that she is doing what she thinks is best and is trying to be a good mother for our children. I accept that I can not cause, control, or cure adultery in another person, including my wife.

I accept (but do not approve) that my children are being harmed by the presence of active adultery in their lives. I accept that I can not remove the influence of addiction brought into their lives by their mother. I accept that I can add the influence of a good example in their lives by being the best father I can be. [this is much better than the one I had]

I accept that I am way better off without SCQ as she is today.

I accept myself: I am a blessed individual. I have two wonderful children, a very loving and supportive family, friends and co-workers and neighbors and on-line supporters who care about me. I have a great job, I live in a great place, and I am healthy (but for depression, which is a drag).

I accept that BR caught me calling some things acceptance that were really me listing some other thoughts and calling them acceptance because it would make my post sound cooler.

I accept that I have a lot to give to a relationship, but right now the SCQ does not deserve to be in one with me. I accept that it is tempting to rewrite history. I also accept that what is in the past can't be changed. I accept that the SCQ is the mother of my children, and I wouldn't undo them for anything in the world.

I accept that, even though I wish some things were different, I cannot control them.

I accept that if I could hold onto these thoughts and feelings all the time (and breathe), maybe my shoulders would stop trying to merge with my ears.

Today I ate lunch AND dinner. Must be doing something right. I accept that this statement did not start with acceptance.

YES!!

Holey moley you got it, AND with a sense of humour. (with acceptance, it is much easier to not take ourselves too seriously).

I got a massage after work and then went for a long beach walk. On the walk, I realized that the attractive woman I chatted with while I was checking out and she was waiting for her massage was flirting with me.

I accept that among my personas (Super Dark Guy and Guy Smiley) is another one: Captain Oblivious.

amazing what you notice going on in TODAY when you are not in the past or future.

I'm posting a weekend email exchange with the SCQ. Her emails go to my intermediary, who removes very-triggering content and forwards them. The SCQ does not know she is edited. The first message is a repeat of one she sent a while back that I think I already posted but never replied to.

As always, I'm looking for opinions on how I'm doing. Also, she is really pushing the weekend thing, and I'm sure it's so that she can take the kids on weekend trips with OM (without having to ask my permission). I'm stonewalling on that issue for that reason and because I want to have a weekend day with my kids every week. I don't want to go that long without seeing them. Strategies welcome. For right now, I am leaning toward "ignore."

I don't think I let this bog me down too much.


SCQ (July 27) :You can have them the Friday 17-Sunday 19 to go camping.

With day-care provider off the week of the 13th when do you want them on Wednesday?

Here is my checking account number, xxx. Money can be transferred to that account instead of the joint. Once I get my life insurance off of the joint account I won't need it any longer.

paraphrased by intermediary: (Short paragraph asking about status of house refinancing. She would like to have the process started by 8/1 or to know why not. She doesn't think the lawyers should be necessary, but is willing to seemingly-threaten that route. I thought that was the route you preferred for that kind of business?)

Weekends need to be revisited. I would like to change the arrangements for each of us to have full weekends (F-Sun) with the kids every other week. For long weekends those need to be worked out separately. When there is a long weekend due to a holiday one of us should have the kids the whole weekend. We can either work this out for each year or switch off each year. So the weekends I'm talking about are Memorial Day, Labor Day, 4th of July if it touches a weekend. Are there others?


SCQ (Friday—paraphrased by intermediary): SCQ has sent an email attached at the top of her email from July 27, asking for a reply. She would like a confirmation from you that you want the entire weekend of the 17th. She says, "Wednesday day-care provider is off is taken care of." She wants to know why you deposited money into the joint account rather than her own. She asks for comments about the proposed weekend change and about 3 day weekends.


SDG (Sat am): I'm meeting with my lawyer next week. We can discuss settlement after that.

If you are offering, I will take the kids the weekend of the 17th.

I am not interested in renegotiating custody for weekends at this time.


SCQ (Sat am): After next week is fine.

The weekend of the 17th I have always said that if you were taking them camping you could take them. If you are not taking thing camping since your parents are here then the weekend stays as it is scheduled.

The weekend suggestion is not dead. It will continue to come up again and again. The 3 day holiday weekends need to be discussed and will be added to the final agreement.


SCQ (Sat am, 30 mins later): For normal weekends would even consider having a mixed weekend agreement where some weekends are split and other aren't, 1 complete weekend each and the others as they are now?


SDG (Sat afternoon): We can talk again about weekends in a few months. I'm not willing to discuss it now.

I will let you know by tomorrow whether or not we're going camping.

When you bring the kids by tomorrow, can you please not come to the door? I would prefer not to see or hear you. It is too painful when I know that things could be so different. Even now, this is not what I want. I believe that the best environment for our children is one in which their natural parents are in love with one another, and I still believe that this is possible. What do you think is best for DS7 and DD4?


SCQ (Sat afternoon): How about Labor Day weekend. Do you want them all weekend since I had them for Memorial Day weekend or should I take them all weekend?

Changing to complete weekends will allow you not to hear or see me when our children are exchanged since it will almost always occur through daycare. Even doing it for 2 weekends a month would reduce your opportunity of seeing/hearing me. Otherwise leave the door unlocked, don't be outside and I won't yell or come in. Beyond that I cannot help what you will hear and see.


SDG (Sun eve): We are going to go camping, but we probably won't stay the whole weekend. If you want, we can swap the Fri-Sat for Sun, and I will bring them over at noon on Sunday. If you have other plans, we can keep them Sunday, too.


SCQ (Mon afternoon): You can have them the whole weekend. It makes more sense to have the kids the entire weekend. Which is why I proposed the change so that either one of us can actually plan something for the weekend. Each us of having to involve the other person every weekend we want to do something that takes more than 1 days is not practical. On paper the schedule we worked out seemed fine but in practice it really doesn't work. The weekend really is just Saturday. It would be better if they settled in for the 2 complete days on the weekend.

Will having them a whole weekend be better for the kids? As for drop offs and pick ups, I would propose to her that the children approach the front door on their own; that they enter to home on their own, without SCQ coming to the door at all. They are 4 and 7, both perfectly capable of walking to the door on their own. This is how it was with my DS. PWC would drop his stuff on the front porch and take off; DS would ring the bell and/or let himself in.

If you really do not want to be without them for a full weekend, then I say keep things status quo until the final hearings. Make this about the kids and YOU, not about SCQ. What do you wand for the children right now, and what meshes better for you?

FWIW, I think ignore is a perfectly appropriate response. You've already said what needed to be said. Don't let her draw you out, even if it's just to re-state the same response.

(although it appears you will have to confirm that you want them thru Sunday)

Remember my intermediary's philosophy? "How can we respond with the fewest words/letters as possible?" OK and FINE were favs.

Lord knows I'm not a Plan B pro, but others would probably tell you that you shouldn't engage in any relationship talk while in Plan B. However, this might have been one of the olive branches that needs extending from time to time...???

Or then again, maybe it's an attempt to control, to DO something? Maybe you are pushing a button to see what, if anything, happens?

I'm not making any judgements about this, because I know that you are doing the very, very best that you can for your kids and yourself. I would just encourage you to examine your motives and make sure you are honest with yourself about them. Just so YOU know where you are really coming from.

What do I know? I'm less than two months from a D myself. I've finally come to the realization/conclusion that WH is SO far gone that there is truly and honestly NOTHING I can do to sway him. (DUH says the peanut gallery.) There is no point in pushing ANY buttons because the circuits are all blown.
.....and re-wired by a mad scientist bent on destruction, Dr. Ratturd.
....or re-wired to an explosive device: the A-bomb.
....and always remember to stay away from downed power lines.

The stupid metaphors just don't quit.

Anyway, you are great and she is nuts.

I second what Sis says here, this is a realization I came to, also, what seems like not so long ago. DUH, and don't call me PEANUT! I think guy smiley is getting there, too.

You're talking about this bit, right?


I wasn't sure about throwing that in. I wanted to tell her not to come to my door (to avoid being triggered by contact), but I didn't want the message to be "I don't ever want to see or hear you again." So I tossed in some "this is not what I want" verbiage (Jennifer has said that this is okay and to be encouraged from time to time). I had no expectations that it would change anything. I intended to tell my intermediary that I didn't need to see any response to that because I didn't really care what it was. So it wasn't an attempt to control (although I accept that the last question "what do you think is best for the kids" was, um, controlling, or at least not consistent wtih the purpose of the rest of the comment *looks around quickly for BR*).

Now, if you want to call me on the weekends issue, yeah, part of what I'm doing is trying to prevent her from taking the kids on weekend travel with the POSOM. My thinking is that 1) I want to see my kids every weekend. 2) the schedule hasn't been a problem for me--I tell her what I want the kids for, and she has always agreed. 3) she has asked me for a weekend only one time. I agreed to let her have the weekend if she agreed not to bring the POSOM, which she, of course, did anyway. Where are all the problems and evidence that the schedule isn't working? The only problem is that she doesn't want to have to get my approval to take the kids with the POSOM, to which I say "tough ******.") 5) I'll renegotiate weekends in a few months if and when his divorce is complete when what they are doing is no longer adultery.

It feels like split motives to me. 50:50 that I want the time with my kids and that I don't want to make it easy for her to take fun vacations with the POSOM (of which I do not approve). I guess it's this reasoning that I wanted to check with the peanut gallery on--am I being reasonable here?

It's tempting to get into it with her (weekends haven't been a problem for me; when and how has this been a problem for you?), but I won't because I don't like wrestling with pigs or trying to reason with boulders.

Thanks, as always, for the input, SL and Sis.

Screw her. She can never have a three day weekend with the kids for the rest of her life for all you care. Oh, and it's still adultery if the OM is still married.

Just ignore her. When she brings it up again, ignore her again. Don't budge.

Yep, it was the first bit to which I was referring. Again, I just raised it as an exercise in examining your motivations (which isn't something that I might ordinarily recognize, so it felt like a good catch).

Stick to your guns; YOU should be the one calling the shots. You are not being unreasonable. Your rationale is about YOU and the kids, not about controlling HER (well, maybe the "don't want to give her the freedom to go off with POSOM" part, but as long as that's just the icing on the cake).

So you do what you need to do.

OMW called me this morning and left a message asking if I wanted to talk. I haven't heard anything from her since March or April but was told by the SCQ in May that POSOM has full legal and physical custody of his kids.

Should I call back? I'm curious to hear what's going on over on her side. Can I do it without getting dragged into any drama?

It was a good catch, Sis. I expected to get questions about it. I wish I could take back the last line ("What do you think is best for DS7 and DD4?").

I can't remember the exact quotes from the SCQ, but I can remember her using the words "Mr. High and Mighty" and something about "whose morality." Without speculating on her motivations and feelings, I think this feeds into me learning humility. And I think that that last line shows that I still have work to do.

Sis is right - don't make me swing the 2x4 over here!

Your responses should be minimal.

SCQ: Do you want the kids on the 17th (blah blah blah discussion about why that your intermediary should have filtered out)

Your response:

Yes.

SCQ: Can we discuss custody arrangements?

You:

No. Send your requests to my attorney.

You: <NOTHING>

....because of course you do not tell your wife to change her behavior to please you. Draw boundaries. Telling your wife to change what she does is control. Either be unavailable at the backdoor or arrange for another type of drop off.

RE: OMW

I can't imagine having ANY kind of conversation with OMW without being triggered. I'd suggest no. Don't go looking for trouble; you've got plenty on your plate already. It would feed your curiousity, yes, but it wouldn't change a darn thing. The SCQ will crash and burn on her own timeline. Whatever OMW has to say won't change that. Don't give in to it. DARK.

Besides, what's this lady's deal....not even legal custody??? Something's off there. Unless the SCQ is.....lying!!! Gasp.

And as for the "what's best" remark. I guess it's progress if I can begin to recognize it in someone else, not that I can see it in myself. To me you have been a paragon of restraint, so I'm silently cheering, but in the interest of maturity and personal growth....I won't cheer out loud, and I'll acknowledge my cheering side is not the person I want to be.

Nevertheless...."Whose morality?" Hmmm. Let's think. God? Jesus Christ? and probably Budda and Mohammed? Yeah, I can see why she might think you are in pretty poor company.

So go ahead and take stock of your humility, so long as you don't get too down on yourself for making that remark.

Thanks for the input. I think her deal is that she is mentally unstable (bipolar?) is how she lost custody. Or that SCQ is either lying or being lied to. I dunno. IC this afternoon. She'll probably say the same thing. Or ask me clarifying questions until I say it.

Dark. Right.