I guess I've known that I'm doing this, only I've called in banking anger, because maybe that sounds healthier. Anger that I believe I will be able to let go of if we reconcile.

As I type this, I think that I am more angry about what I fear will happen than what has already happened. And I am probably more angry and fearful about what will (may) happen because I can't control it. It's easier to look at what did happen and see what was and what wasn't my fault.

It will be easier for me to let go of (rather than forgive) the stuff that has already happened. I think that on some level the SCQ accepts responsibility for what has happened, but not in any way that she could ever face me and say "I did this, and I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?"

So, why am I getting so angry and worrying about forgiving stuff that hasn't happened yet? It's not like I can control that.

BR, are you going to slap me around for the apology email?

Revenge. . . anger. . . I needed both of those meditations today. How did you know?

I found the anger. Today my mom had lunch with the SCQ. And then I listened to what she had to say when she got back. There was nothing in what the SCQ said that wasn't part of the script. Any of you could have written it. Typical Fog-talk--not venomous. She did the best she could. Yes, divorce will hurt the kids some, but that's what she wants. She's not trying to hurt me.

So, it's either Fog-talk or reality. If it's fog, it's still very thick, and she's not going to come out of it any time soon, if ever.

My attempt at plan B has been flawed, but I have done the best I can. I know it's flawed--I did plan Lovebust the other night to her, and today I did plan Lovedrain when I let my mom tell me what she found out.

I can't keep going the way I have been. My performance at work has been suffering for way too long, and the kids pick up on how unhappy I am. My friends and family are all concerned for and about me--they think I'm paying too high a price for little or no shot at reconciliation with someone who probably isn't worth it to begin with.

Something has to give. If I can't figure out how to Let Go without Being Done, then I need to Be Done. My IC asks me how I will know when I am done, and a couple of months ago I said I've started to realize that my body may give out before my will does. Now I'm afraid my answer will be "when they have to hospitalize me." But that's obviously not the right way. I can't figure it out. Or I can't hold onto it.

Anger. Revenge. I want her to hurt for what she's done.

How did you know?

sdguy ~ no, i am not going to beat you for the email. you apologized for something you did wrong.

the rest of this stuff...

you do realize that you are doing it to yourself right?

have you told your IC about your 'banking anger' theory?

Banking that anger is tearing you apart. Exactly what is your reasoning behind 'saving it for recovery'????? This is why you are depressed and need meds!!!

I hate to tell you this, but you can't be done until you have dealt with this issue. That is the answer to your question, How long? As long as it takes for you to learn the lessons God has put in front of you.

So pray for the willingness to be willing - since your lack of willingness is killing you.

I did the divorce in revenge thing. I tried to force myself to be done. It did not help.

When you feel the need for revenge...PRAY for your wife. Pray to God to change her heart. Ask for His help.

God will not force his help on you, you have to ask for it.

Everytime you CHOOSE to break Plan B, you hurt yourself.

Keep picking the scabs on your wounds, and they will continue to bleed and not heal...

By suppressing, banking your anger, you are punishing yourself in the worst possible way.

Are you journaling? How about a punching bag?

I wrote vicious nasty letters to my husband, pouring out all of my hurt and rage.

I did NOT send those to him.

Short term, it made me very emotional, because I had to FEEL the rage and the pain. But relief and peace was not far behind.

And in my situation, a few months after I found my peace, my husband came home.

((((sd))))

Oh, how I could have written your last post. Work performance (inability to focus or be creative), the kids picking up on the abject unhappiness, concerns of friends and family, wanting to hurt WH....only the "something's got to give thing" has gone down a notch.

What an ugly, awful, pain-filled spot you are in.

I think I'm further along on the letting go thing ONLY because of how awful WH has been. He had to slap me in the face with the violent and unstable thing for me to REALLY see the reality of who WH is; for me to accept (at a superficial level anyway) what IS. There is no H there. For him to say those things--ten months after the fact--clearly indicates that he is operating in a completely different sphere...one that I cannot relate to, one where I cannot go, one that no one can save him from except God.

I also completely, absolutely understand your willingness to let go of what has happened, but the inability to let go of what will be. The pain the kids will experience for the rest of their lives because of the choices that WH is making....he is choosing FOR them.

I'm an adult. I have lived half of my life already. I will be scarred from this, but they will be adult scars, not scars on the tender, innocent flesh of a child. I had a wonderful childhood with two parents who adored one another and who sacrificed repeatedly for us girls. WH is choosing to deny the boys that experience; that possibility.

This is not how it SHOULD BE. Thus the negativity - frustration, anger, fear, resentment - depression.

Sorry for the TJ.

I wish I had advice about how to deal with the anger. Nov. 14, July 7, March 1, July 31,....

Punching pillows seems so danm ineffectual.

How long have you been on that new AD? They say give it six weeks....are you there yet?

I suggest April 3rd is a good one!

Letting go, for me, was leaving PWC to live his life, without thinking on it anymore. I extracated myself from that. I didn't stop loving him; I don't think it's that easy. I will always love my husband, always, together or apart.

You will find that you cannot be done with a drop of the hat (or wayward, if you will), but you CAN let go just like that. Totally.

I told myself that PWC had made his decision and I must accept that, with all of it's consequences (divorce, losing my home, struggling financially, DS having MAJOR issues with that, single momdom, etc.). I then must begin to live according to what IS and not what I HOPE will be.

I hope this explanation of how I view letting go helps.

Thank you, BR, Sis, and SL. I treasure your words, as always. My head is spinning, trying to figure this stuff out. The anger bank (just something I realized I was doing--not intentional), have I not been talking about things enough? Too much? Suppressing anger? Hoping too much? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Supposed to be feeling? Supposed to be, supposed to be, supposed to be. . . Argh!

It doesn't really matter, does it? That's the way it was. I am angry. I am unhappy. I am full of the poison I have been holding in, so I will try to get it out. Get the letters out of my head and onto paper. I will continue to pray for myself and for the SCQ.

I will continue to read. April 3 was perfect.

From April 3: "Stop resisting. . . Resistance and repression will not change a thing. They will put us at war with our thoughts. . . Resisting events or circumstances in our life does not change things, no matter how undesirable the events or circumstances may be. . . Acceptance empowers the events and circumstances for the better. . . Acceptance does not mean we're giving our approval . . . It is not forever. . . It means we accept what is, so we know what to do to take care of ourselves and what boundaries we need to set. It means we accept what is and who we are at the moment, so we are free to change and grow. . . Acceptance and surrender move us forward on this journey. Force does not work. Acceptance and surrender--two concepts that hurt the most before we do them."

I feel like a worm on a fishhook. I'm still resisting--this isn't what I want. It's not the way it should be.

Minor Aha: maybe I think that in order to accept things I have to make them be what I want (hence interest in other people--better ones than the SCQ). How's this: You don't always get what you want, even if you don't feel like you've asked for all that much. Accept it or be miserable.

Sis, only a week on the newest ADs. Not even up to the full dose yet.

What dang book are you's guys reading from? Me thinks me needs this book.

The Language of Letting Go -- Daily Meditations for Codependents. Melody Beattie

http://www.amazon.com/Language-Letting-M...927&sr=1-17

Thanks bunches, I just ordered the book. It sounds like a good one for me.

my husband makes a funny joke quite often...


He'll say about any particularly uncomfortable situation: "I deny your reality and replace it with one of my own choosing!"

Of course we both giggle about it because Denial is a deep deep river in both of our family backgrounds..

But in all seriousness...thats what you are trying to do.

Guilty as charged.


I think I've been trying to make it okay so that it will be easier to accept. As if I can.

Humility. Is there a day for that?

How about July 30 on Powerlessness.

Thanks. I read July 31 on Letting Go of What We Want while I was there.

I also wrote a blistering letter to the SCQ (which I won't send, obviously).

I'm feeling drained now. IC later.

How are you today, sdguy?

I can really relate to the difficulty of distinguishing being ok with something and accepting it.

I felt if I accepted the situation for what it is...that I condoned it because I stopped fighting it. Still have trouble with this sometimes.

Hang in there. We're here.

Fox

Thanks for asking, Fox. I'm feeling better today. I let some stuff go (experience tells me that I will probably snatch it back again at some point, but progress is progress).

I think the letter eviscerating the SCQ helped quite a bit. I read it to my IC last night. When she asked me how it felt to read it, I said "Right," as in correct.

I think I'm ready to be divorced. Lord knows everyone around me is ready for me to be divorced. Or at least it sure feels that way.

I mean, it's not like I want to be divorced. But neither do I want to stay married to the SCQ, and there are no signs that she is going to (or is interested in) become my wife again. If she figures it out at some point and I'm still interested, we can always remarry. I've been pretty careful not to shut any doors (like giving her the letter would do).

I don't know. I think my subconscious is desperately trying to make divorce "okay," so that I can accept it. Thoughts welcome.

Going for a massage.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

For me, it's part of the grieving process...a little here and a little there...referring to your "making the D okay"...

I think I know what you are talking about and like I said for me...it's grieving...getting to the point of acceptance...whether I like it or not doesn't matter...

It's the whole process of coming to terms with the reality of the situation...doesn't happen ALL at once...

Just my 2 cents...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You've come a long way! It'll get better...you have a lot going for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I don't think you have to think it's okay in order to accept it. It isn't okay...none of this is even remotely okay. SCQ should never ever have done what she did and continues to do. It is NOT okay to end a marriage because of simple selfishness.

Do not let yourself start to believe that. You are on the high road.

Nonetheless, it is the reality. Right now. You can accept that.

Reality does NOT equal okay.

Sometimes I try to think of it as if it's "just business." Which of course it is NOT...it is so very VERY much more than that! Maybe it's easier for me to "accept" when I consciously strip away the emotional element long enough to deal with the "business" end of it all. Then later, when it's safe, when I've done what I need to do, I can let myself feel the emotion.

And hopefully let it go.

I think that you thinking it's just business is the easiest way for you to detact...

For the time being at least...that's fine if that's what you have to do for the time being...

Smiley, accepting does not mean approving like Sis said...

It's a sad matter, and it's okay to feel that way, but it is reality and you have done SOOO much to step up to the plate...

your honor and intregity stand true...and your kids see that and will continue to see that!!! have hope that one day they will come to you and thank you for everything that you have done...THEY KNOW, WE KNOW!!! AND YOU KNOW!!!

Most importantly, God knows...you'll be okay...one day at a time...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Maybe the trick is dealing with what IS today. That includes, marriage, job, kids, OM, etc. and so on. See it for what it is, not what it could be or what it was (including whatever spin or revision you've placed upon that). Accept it today, and then start over tomorrow.

Accepting a divorce, when it hasn't happened, is getting ahead of what IS. Accept what IS today.