And I think Sis got it right.

Fear is not something that you can control...per say, but you do have an indirect control over it in the sense that you can choose what to do about it and choose what to say back to it.

A victim mentality says Oh dear, look at this bad thing happening to me, its not fair! Maybe if I stick my head under this giant rock I won't see it and won't hurt me again!

A healthy response says, I don't like you Fear, and today, I'm going to draw a boundary (take responsibility!) for my own protection. Fear, you are undermining my confidence and my mental health, so today, Fear, I am going to drag you out into the sunlight and see how well you whisper under the bright light of truth!

I brought up the subconscious fear thing as an example. I happen to believe that my subconscious doesn't whisper to me about fear any more than everyone else's subconscious does. I know that this is not my fault. I know that I am better than the POSOM and better than the SCQ.


I don't know. I'm probably over-analyzing it, like everything else. Maybe I think that if I can figure it out, I can fix it. Solve the problem.

Inside SDG's brain: I feel bad. This is a problem. How can I solve this problem? If I can understand it better, maybe I can fix it. Or maybe someone has the answer and can tell me what I need to do.


This is an excellent perspective.


What is it that I haven't surrendered?

you have not surrendered your own self will.

thats why you are still trying to figure out how to fix it (control).

The 12 steps make it easier to understand:

1. We admit that are powerless over other people and situations - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

We ask why because we think that with a little bit more knowledge....we can control the situation.

"Fix it" is another word for control.

Let GO.

I understand this needing to know WHY it happened. (I misunderstood; I thought you were asking why you were angry.)

I had an AHA moment when I finally "got it" that there IS NO WHY.

What SCQ did is inexplicable. There is something wrong in HER. There is NO REASON that can ever make any sense, be logical or understandable.

You cannot make sense of someone who is acting off of pure emotion and no logic, no reason, no sense of right or wrong. Priorities, values...everything is upside down and backwards to her.

It is as if her brain has been re-wired. You could only understand WHY if your brain were similarly re-wired, which (thank God) it is not.

It is HER. It is NOT you.

If it WERE you, you could do something about it, because you have control over you.

You cannot re-wire her brain. She had to re-wire it herself.

The acceptance piece--FOR ME--came from FULLY ACCEPTING that it was NOT ME, and there was NO WHY.

And I hear you saying that you get that....it's just that I know I said it many, many times before, too. Only it wasn't coming from my heart. It was coming from my head.

NOW my heart believes it. I am okay...flawed, imperfect, etc. But I am NOT (again, thank God) operating purely from emotion in such a way that it drives me to hurt others deeply, to put aside my integrity, to abandon my children. I am not in denial and justifying this behavior.

YOU need to get to a point (and you will when the time is right) in which you can truly see and believe in your heart that no, you are not perfect, but you are okay.

If it helps to look at yourself in relation to SCQ, then do it. That's probably not the most healthy way to gauge my okay-ness, and BR will probably call me out on it, but it works for me. I can hold myself up against WH, and it becomes clear that I am not the one who is continuing on a downward spiral. *I* am struggling to become a better, more complete person.

I can hold myself apart from WH (detach?) and recognize where he is...relative to where I am. I am in a much better place.

You will get your own AHA moment. I did. SL did. They came in different ways in in different times. You'll get there, too, when it is right for you. Trust that. Don't beat yourself up for not getting there yet. Don't get discouraged. It will come.

Are you still reading the book???

SD,

You are getting some GREAT insights here!

Sis, I am so impressed with you! What a journey you have had and your Growth is amazing! You are giving such great advice and insights here!! You ROCK!

SD, I understand how you feel, as I think most of us here do. It's part of the process of working though all of this. Be patient. Listen. You will get there to that place of peace and acceptance. It takes time.

Thanks to all of you for helping me to work through this


Yeah, so I was actually talking about me here. Over-analyzing why I feel so bad. Is there something about how I'm thinking that makes it worse? Are there things I can do that would make it easier? Trying to figure out my true motivations for how I feel/act (call it head/heart or intellect/subconscious or whatever, we don't always understand why we do/feel the way we do). At least right now and most recently, the situation I want to control with a little more knowledge is me. Maybe this, like trying to control the SCQ, is a fool's errand, but it doesn't feel like it.

But for the occasional slip, I gave up trying to control the SCQ and her adultery some time ago. I have mostly given up trying to protect my children from it.

I accept that I did not cause her infidelity. There were mistakes I was making, and I have owned those, apologized for them, and demonstrated that things could be different. I stopped beating myself up over this a long time ago. The adultery is about her, not me.

Am I angry? Yes. What am I angry about? I'm angry at the SCQ's choices, what it's doing to me, to my children, to the POSOM's family. And I'm angry that I am powerless to change that situation. Do I accept that I am powerless to change it? Yes. Do I like it? No.

The anger is on top of sadness. I'm sad that today was DS7's first day back to school and I didn't get to see him. I'm sad whenever DD4 tells me that she wishes Mommy would come home and that mommies aren't supposed to leave their families.

I don't like feeling sad and angry.

It Is the way It Is. The sky is blue. It always has been. Where is the line between Resistance and Acceptance without approval?

Sorry man....I've been where you are and sometimes find myself there when I least expect it.....You are right, the feeling of not being able to do anything is overwhelming particularly when you look at your children. Prayers for you and your children going up!

SD,

You are not completely powerless. Can you change what SCQ is doing or has done? No.

However, you control you. You control the precious time you get with your kids. I focus on making every moment with my kids the best possible, even under the worst of circumstances.

Feel Proud that your DD tells you how she feels! That is fantastic and a testament to the job you are doing as a great Dad!

No, you can not make her Mommy come back, any more than I can get my DD's Daddy back for her. She told me the other night that it is his job to fix things for her, but he told her he will no/can not fos 'this'. I wanted to cry right then, but I didn't. Instead, when she was finished telling me, I assured her the best I could, told her we can trust in God to help us be more than OK. Then we played her favorite game and snuggled together on the couch.

THAT is what she remembered the next day. It was OK to share and then Mommy was there with her having fun and loving her.

Do those things with your kids. Give them the best memories you can. You control that no matter what!

Chin up!

Thanks, Bugs (and HAP). You're right, and that's what I try to do--make the time about them when I have them. I think I do pretty well at this--I'm certainly proud of what I have done so far.

Guy smiley,

I'm sorry that you did not get to see your son off to his first day of school. There are more days ahead, probably even more exciting than this one.

You are right, the feeling of not being able to do anything is overwhelming particularly when you look at your children.

This feeling never goes away; it just morphs from one situation to the next. Today, it's the SCQ choice to leave the marriage; tomorrow, who knows, it will be SOMETHING, it's ALWAYS something. Your children will always need you to be there, to listen, to guide, to discipline, to protect as best YOU can.

Hope you are eating more these days. How are the meds coming along? Is your body leveling off? What are you doing for Guy Smiley these days (beyond thinking of dating, ya dang fool...)

Don't know if I'll be posting as much during the day. I've cut my hours down a bit at work, so that I can be home when DS arrives home from school. It was truly WEIRD being home at 4PM today. I can't remember the last time I was home that early. I felt like i was playing HOOKY!

You can't control how you feel, so overanalyzing is exactly what is making you nuts.

You can control what you do about it.

So for example, my al-anon sponsor used to say to me, give yourself permission to let your mind spin around and generally have a meltdown. Then tell yourself that self-indulgence time is over...and get on with your day.

you are trying to force acceptance and force good feelings and force all the bad stuff to be gone.

You are trying to be DONE instead of LETTING GO.

Letting go is where you just BE.

If you are angry, BE ANGRY.

Stop trying to change it, ask it why, or analyze it to death.

Just get pissed off. Feel the emotion. Then put it aside and get on with your day.

Okay, now THIS I can work with.


Everyone around me wants me to be done. Rather, they want the bad stuff for me to be gone. Then, I mess up in plan B and get triggered and feel angry and hopeless, and then I WANT to be done. Remind me why I shouldn't be done yet. Some of the people around me are listening.


The eating comes and goes. A bit better over the past few days, but overall I am back up about ten pounds and at a pretty good weight for me. Not sure whether any of the weight is med-related. I should have reached full blood levels of the new meds but maybe not full effect yet--meeting with the shrink tomorrow.

I need to do more fun things for me, but it's still hard to remember what those are. Yoga and beach walks are good, and being educated by BR, of course, but I could definitely use more fun. What day is that in the book?

June 8 and July 29.

Do something FUN that brings you closer together with your friends...not your kids, not you alone...but adults. Other living, breathing adults. Put away your cares for a while and just hang out.

So...

Have fun! Go out for drinks with friends. Relax. Laugh. Enjoy yourself, and celebrate who you are! You are not just some one-dimensional "guy who was cheated on by his wife." There is so much more to YOU than that. This situation has just eclipsed everything else--in YOUR mind--right now. Everyone else in your life sees all the other wonderful facets of who you are. Being with other people helps to remind you of those other pieces of you.

Get pissed/sad, whatever you need to feel. Acknowledge those feelings and that they are understandable responses to what you are going through...just don't let them consume you.

Stop worrying about "getting it." It will come when you are ready; when your heart and head are in sych, when it's right for you...and not a moment before. I know that sucks.

Have your son tell you ALL ABOUT his first day! Every last detail.

And keep reading!

Wish I could help...I really, really do.

Wow, Sis. Great insights. Hope you are applying this stuff yourself, as well.

Well, let's not go THAT far...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Actually, talking to you about it helps ME put it into perspective a bit; it helps me to think through and articulate what WORKS for me, as well as becoming aware of what keeps me stuck. So I hope you don't mind me going on and on and on...

Sis, this goes for ANYBODY, along the path of self healing and self recovery. Taking care of yourself, your unique self, learning about you, loving you, seems to be of the utmost importance. It's really good that you recognize this (whether you practice what you preach, you now have the knowledge).

My experience was that people around me wanted me to be done because my pain made them uncomfortable.

It was communicated as concern for me...but the motivation was self-interest.

It's not that people DON'T care...they are just incredibly uncomfortable in the face of scary pain (probably bringing up their own fears). Or they are just sick of hearing it and have lost patience. Or maybe they genuinely want to see you out of pain, and think that urging you to be done will get you there faster.

But regardless...it doesn't matter what other people have on their agenda for you. This is your life, your pain, your choices - not theirs.

Why shouldn't you be done? Because you haven't let go. If you force being done like you are now, you won't heal, you won't go on to be happy, joyous and free.

Being done is on the other side of Letting Go and Peacefulness.

You keep trying to have your dessert before you have tackled the main entre!

As an aside, I love dessert!

Now, as for everything else BR is saying, this rings true for me. No one I know wants to see me in anymore pain, and it does make them extremely uncomfortable to hear about my current marital woes.

One of my friends came by to have lunch recently, and we were discussing updates to my situation. She SAID, "Geez, I don't know if I want to hear all of this, you're scaring me."

I was scaring her because she knows my sitch since the beginning. She knows about our relationship post baby (she's currently 6 mos prego), she knows about he infidelities, she knows about the false recoveries, and our current recovery sitch. This stuff makes married people nervous. Maybe it's because they are not as attentive in their marriage as they SHOULD be; or that this could happen to ANY couple.

My father expressed how painful it was to see me going through this amount of pain, for him. My sister expressed the same. My brother was nowhere to be seen during my separations.

My best friend told me that she hated to see me struggling, in pain, and she hated to see me WASTING MY TIME with PWC. That he was gone, changed, probably doing what he really wanted.

When I think back on this, I really had MB as my support; that was IT. Thank God for that!

Most people, when I explain it to them, agree that yes, I am doing the right thing but that they hate to see me in so much pain.


This one applies. Especially given that the SCQ doesn't seem to have responded to the plans, continues to march on toward divorce, and doesn't seem to have even taken a serious look at me in over two years. ("Do you really think she's going to come back? Do you really want her to?")

Anyway, I feel much better today, except that I missed getting a spot in my noon yoga class because it was full. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Instead, I'll eat an actual lunch!

Thanks again for the excellent advice.