yer darn lucky SL got to you first! (puts down the 2x4)

TODAY is not tomorrow.

To try to force yourself to be OK with what is going on is another form of suppression.

It is NOT OK. Its OK to acknowledge that ITS NOT OK.

What your wife has done is AWFUL. She has hurt you and hurt your children. ITS WRONG. 100% WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Accept your feelings AS THEY ARE.

Did you tell your IC that you were "Banking your anger for recovery?"

SL, heh heh heh, tiptoeing away with her 2x4...

Thanks for the comments, Rin, SL, Sis, and BR. Keep your 2x4s handy.


I don't think I explained myself all that well. I know that this situation is not okay. I know that what the SCQ is doing is awful and hurts me, my children, and herself. She hurts the OMW and their children, too. I know this. Divorce is wrong, especially in a marriage that is clearly salvagable, like mine. I accept that this sucks. I accept that I cannot fix things the way I want them, but shouldn't I attempt to improve my situation?


I feel bad. I want to feel better.

Divorce is coming. The SCQ wants to know whether I want to negotiate directly with her on final dispensation of assets because she thinks we can work out an agreement. If not, she'll go through the lawyers. Obviously, everything has to go through the lawyers at some point, but I'm fairly certain I will get a better deal if I start talking with her directly as opposed to if her lawyer starts talking with mine. That's what happened with the support agreements, and I think I could save tens of thousands of dollars here. Probably it's because she feels guilty, but I feel like I should take advantage of that, because divorce is coming. She made it clear to my mom the other day that she wants to be divorced.

Taking some initiative (and yes, getting a little control) in the process--getting a better settlement will make things a little more "okay" for me. As opposed to waiting around for the lawyers to tell me how big a check to write.

And then there's [puts on hardhat] companionship. It's been, what, 20 months since D-Day? More than that since there was any kind of connection or attempt to meet my needs. She has been essentially unwavering in her march away from me. And it hurts. I miss companionship. It's more than getting an itch scratched. And seriously, how long am I supposed to wait? I respect that I am still married but really don't feel like I owe her anything in terms of fidelity at this point. But I don't want to get involved with anyone while I'm still married. I don't really want to get "involved" at all. I want to have dinner and maybe walk on the beach and talk about stuff.

I'm already cringing, because I know what's coming. And don't think I wanted to admit this line of thinking (but BR has eyes in the back of her head). But what I'm considering doesn't feel like giving up. It feels like I'm accepting that this is the way things are right now, and why shouldn't I do things that will make it easier for me to survive today? What happens tomorrow happens tomorrow.

I eagerly await comments.

So....setting aside the morality of dating while married...

your match.com profile would say:

Married man with an out of control Taker and 2 kids seeks rebound relationship as a distraction from recovery and healing....

Wow, I am sure lots of healthy stable normal women would flock to that advert....NOT.

*THWACK THWACK THWACK*

Have you called the Harley's to ask what they think about breaking plan B to negotiate divorce?

You will start to feel better when you do the work of recovery instead of alternately throwing temper tantrums and sulking because you can't have your way.

And here's another *THWACK* for good measure.

DID YOU TELL YOUR IC ABOUT BANKING YOUR ANGER?

*THWACK*

That didn't take long. Ow.


Can you believe I got no hits with that profile? I'm proposing to give in to divorce so that I can have a life again, or at least move to a place where I'm not so miserable. It feels like something that will make me feel better. I know I'm not the first to think this, so I'm being honest and openly looking for guidance.


Not specifically. I did discuss it with Jennifer before negotiating the custody agreement. Her concern was that the SCQ would wind up not being reasonable and I would get hurt.


It's actually something I've discussed with her quite a bit. Her thing on anger is that it comes from the difference between the way things are and the way we think they ought to be (sound familiar?). She also thinks that it's easier for us--it's something active we can do to as opposed to feel the underlying sadness. When I talked about it in terms of suppressing anger rather than banking it, she asked me if I let myself cry about this stuff. I said that I do, but it has been a while.

Writing the letter the other day really seems to have helped me. I still get angry, but when I catch myself at it, I stop and pray for the SCQ.


I don't know how to respond to this one. The first part. I own the second part (temper tantrums and sulking). The work of recovery--I don't know how to respond. Flippantly? Couldn't I recover and date at the same time? lots of healthy stable normal women will respond to that But what about hot ones?

Or respond with seriousness and vulnerability? I don't know what to do. Will you keep helping me?

Seriously,

you need at least 2 years after divorce before starting to date.

you are very full of anger right now, which is covering up a very raw vulnerable heart break.

Even if you rushed the divorce to force your freedom....for you dating is not safe or healthy...and not fair to any woman you would pick up with.

Not to mention your children, who need your undivided attention right now - the last thing they need is BOTH parents to be self-absorbed with oooshey gooshey luvy duvy need meeting that does not protect THEM.

Keep pursuing this topic and I'll have to point out that forced solutions are simply .... more control, more attempts to impose self-will on reality....

There are no loopholes, no cheats, no shorcuts to recovery.

dating is not the answer for bad feelings....isn't that what your wife tried to do?

The work of recovery....is simply moving one day at a time, learning acceptance, learning to Let Go and Let God, and healing.

It means becoming a man that will one day have something to contribute to a full and healthy relationship that is more than getting an itch scratched.

Be the better man.

It's a choice.

This occurred to me on the drive home. Just looking at the possibilities on the dating sites makes me feel better, but I suspect that it's because it gives me some feeling of control (I *could* do this if I wanted to). Same with taking some initiative in the divorce settlement.

I'll even acknowledge that I may be more bothered about losing [the illusion of] control over my life than losing the SCQ.

I'm not sure what this means. Got to eat first.

You are not losing control over your life...

You are simply losing the illusion of control because reality is doing what reality does by just BEING.

You just keep on being pissed off that the sky is blue....hows that working for ya?

There's what the intellectual mind knows, and there's what the subconscious whispers to us.


What are you saying? That I'm angry about the wrong stuff?

I took a Communications class at work earlier this week.

The instructor said something that struck me instantly as quite true, and profound...

She said:

People do not complain about things they can not change.

(there's more to this statement, but my notes are in my office, if I make it in today, I'll retrieve it for you!).

The point is, if you IMAGINE that you DO have control over that which you really don't, of course you are going to be angry and resentful.

That's why I use the Sky is blue, water is wet, rocks are hard analogy.

Do you ever hear anyone complain or act resentful about the color of the sky? Do you see people insisting that the sky is really Orange, or do you see people attempting to change the sky to a color of their own choosing?

Of course not.

If however, you knew someone who really believed that he could change the color of the sky to Orange, and spent every waking moment trying to do so...

Do you think that he might be a little frustrated and angry after awhile?

I'm interested in the rest of the quote and your assessment of how it applies.

I know that the sky is blue. I know that my wife has committed adultery. I know that that cannot be changed.

I know that no one can make water dry. I know that the SCQ chooses to be with another man. I know that I cannot make the SCQ see or do or get or feel anything. I know that I cannot make my family whole.

I know that there are lots and lots of things in life that one cannot control. I know that I could drive the speed limit while wearing seat belts inside a car with airbags and still get killed by a semi while driving home.

I also believe that anger/depression/bad feelings come from the discrepancy between things that the intellectual mind knows and what the subconscious believes, but I don't know what's going on in the subconscious. For example, intellectually I know that I am a successful, talented, good, etc person, but I also believe that my subconscious whispers to me "Are you really good enough?" frequently. So, maybe this is what you're getting at--that my subconscious thinks that the sky really should be orange.

I agree that I am looking for a quick fix so that I won't have to feel bad anymore. I recognize that the "solutions" that come to mind probably won't work the way it feels like they might. I'm trying to figure it out.

I'm not getting the anger bank, I think because I don't understand why you feel compelled to examine WHY you feel angry. You have plenty of reasons to feel angry, hurt, betrayed...you name it. You are going through something truly awful.

Why don't you just let yourself feel bad when you feel bad? Happy when you feel happy? Anxious when you feel anxious?

Name the feeling you ARE having when you HAVE it. Acknowledge it. Recognize WHY you feel that way...is it just generalized, were you triggered?

Feel it. Let it move through you. Let it subside, then let it go.

The emotion that you have right NOW is not the emotion that you will have in an hour, or maybe tomorrow morning. Recognize that you have felt just about everything already....and each time, you make it through and another feeling comes eventually. This will happen again, each time you have a certain feeling.

Nothing is going to fix your pain/anger/hurt or make it go away before its time. But if you want it to go away, you have to let yourself feel it, you have to deal with it, own it. You don't have to ACT on the feelings, but you do need to let them be what they are, give them their due.

You can't do away with feelings by banking them, they will just accrue interest.

Great LilSis.... that was really insightful.

It's so true we really need to feel our feeling in order to work through them. That is where I think my WH will fail himself bigtime....he refuses to feel anything real.

Still

Sis, what you wrote is just simply brilliant.

I can't tell you just how happy I am for you - I've got tears in my eyes just reading how much you have grown.

sdguy ~


Nice try but no cigar...(what does that mean anyway?!)

You are NOT a victim, not even a victim of your subconscious mind.

This is about your resistance, your insistence that things be done your way. It's a refusal to submit to God's way.


Yes, well if you blame this whispering on the subconscious mind that you can not control - then you don't have to take responsibility....you are not a victim. (write this on your forehead in purple ink).

You FEAR that you are not good enough. This is because you give your wife and others power over your truths.


No but your fear does. You can talk back to your fear.

You can feel the fear - but continue to do your duty - which IS enough.


There is no quick fix, no shortcut.

This has to come from your healing.

Thanks for the thoughts, Sis. They make a lot of sense.

Thank you, too, BR, but I confess that you have my head spinning around trying to figure out what you're telling me. I think I'll just try to have a good day with my children.

Have a GREAT day with your children, smiley!

Having so very very recently been in your shoes, let me see if I can try to interpret what BR is saying....or at least my understanding of it.

By "blaming" your subconscious, you are giving yourself an out, and BR's not letting you get away with that. That is a good try BTW...I'll grant you...because you are at least owning your subconscious mind. Smart one...

It is this simple. You've been hurt. Deeply, deeply hurt. A hurt that you DID NOT deserve (do you truly accept that?) And you've been hurt in a multitude of ways; for yourself, for your children. This is an awful, awful thing; so unfair and so unnecessary. This is why you feel angry/depressed/bad. It is no "secret" that the subconscious is keeping from you. You've been beaten bloody by SCQ, and she's left you on the road bleeding.

Will you allow yourself this: It is okay to feel angry. It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to feel hurt and betrayed and cheated. Do you know that this is all okay? Do you give yourself permission to feel this?

Sometimes, does the enormity of it just overwhelm you? Do you begin to mull those things over and over like a hamster on a wheel, with nowhere to go with them?

I did. This happened ALL THE TIME (and still could, if I let it). Do you want to know what I do? (I'll tell you anyway.)

When I start to feel those feelings, or maybe take a few steps on that wheel, I say--very consciously--STOP. Hold up.

Because at that MOMENT, I have a choice: to get on the wheel, feel rotten, let it ruin my day, or at least a portion of it. Or, I could do something else.

So I ask myself--very consciously: What am I feeling? What am I REALLY feeling right now? This moment? Is it hurt? Is it the unfairness? Is it the lost trust? Is it the fear of what might be? I dig DOWN. What am *I* feeling? Because under all that anger at WH, under the panic, there is a feeling that *I* am having, that fuels the wheel and keeps it going faster and faster, sucking all my energy. Consuming me.

For me, STOPPING to take the time to examine what I am REALLY feeling underneath, deep down...NAMING it...feels productive somehow (I'm a doer, as you know! Getting on the wheel is so unproductive. It goes nowhere, and just creates frustration).

Okay...so now I've named what I'm feeling. And I think about that: for example, right now I'm feeling afraid. Afraid of what might happen in my future, afraid that my dreams are all lost, afraid of the impact on the kids.

And I work through that feeling. Ask myself questions about it: what's the worst that could happen? How likely is this? What can *I* do that is within MY control to insure that the worst won't happen?

Or I just give myself permission. Yep, I'm pissed. And I have every right to. I've been screwed over. I DON'T get on the wheel of the six million reasons WHY I feel that way...I already know them. WH did this, he had no right to, I DIDN'T DESERVE IT. That is enough. Say over and over: I am angry. I am angry. Feel angry. Just don't get on the wheel of WHY.

To me, asking WHY is like questioning yourself. If you were on the outside, if this had never happened to you, but instead were happening to a sibling, would you for ONE SECOND question what is was about your sibling that s/he would deserve this? No, you wouldn't. Give yourself the SAME credit. Be as good to yourself as you would be to someone else!

By naming the feeling, and acknowledging it, I get some perspective! I stop looking through the emotional lens and look through the pragmatic one.

Do you see how that has changed? It has gone from being about how unfair WH was, how awful this whole situation is, my victimhood, blah blah...to really thinking about what it IS that *I* feel. And giving myself PERMISSION to feel it.

Once you let yourself feel it, then you are not on the wheel. THAT'S the letting it go part. You aren't saying goodbye to the feeling forever. It will come back and visit. But if you name it, and feel it, then for that moment, you are letting it pass.

YOU--YOU!--are the gatekeeper. You have these feelings--different ones from time to time--and you can choose whether to let them through the gate one at a time or keep the gate closed and let them get all backed up, in which case they will become irritated and impatient.

I suggest that you begin to let them through the gate. One at a time. Check their credentials, look them in the eye, and let them pass. You will find that in fact, they all have valid credentials, and in time you will begin to recognize them and won't need to check them quite so carefully each time. In time, you'll be saying, "Hey, Pissy, nice weather we're having, eh?"

Having said ALL of that (which was as much for me as anything), I believe the first step is truly, truly internatlizing that you ARE good enough. That you DID NOT deserve this. That thisis NOT ABOUT you. It is about some failing in SCQ. Like my domino theroy. I didn't arrange all of these dominoes on my own. WH was part of this equation, too. He set up dominoes, he even pushed some. Yeah, I had a few dominoes in there, but it is pretty self-centered of me to think that my few dominoes created this whole huge disaster.

I think that's where you need to start: stop blaming yourself, stop taking responsibility for her choices, stop thinking that you are not good enough. The rest will come.

This may not help a bit...but I think I needed to get it out there for me!

Now BR can tell me what I'm missing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Aaaah yes....still looking for loopholes are we?

I did that too. It was painful, standing here looking back at myself 7 years ago, I cringe at the pain that I chose to put myself through because I was not willing to surrender my will.