hi, stopping by myself to say hello, and thank you for your post...

I'm trying hard to pull myself up...I remember reading the same of you a time or two...

Take care! Thinking of you!

chrisner, since you don't post much, I'll post here. Hopefully, as time goes by, your ex and her daughter will find a way. It will take DD19 accepting her mother as fallable, and it will take WZ waking up to that reality, too. Mothers and daughters and their relationships, WHEW, it could make your head spin, even without any wedges between them.

Guy Smiley, I can safely say the Chrisner is correct that your wife CHANGED, so are you. Everything has changed, and will NEVER be able to be put EXACTLY back in place. That PLACE doesn't even exist anymore. I say, take the pieces of your shattered existence, and put it back together as a beautiful mosaic, binding it together with your new understandings. Personal recovery is tough. One of the MAJOR first steps is detaching.

I remember people arguing on the boards, that detaching was not what you should do with your spouse, but EVERYTHING that I have read about codenpendency states just that, to detach, with love, not in bitterness, or to leave the R, but to take care of yourself.

Happiness lies in YOUR hands. I'm not going to say that it's an easy task; I struggle a lot with my focus.

AS for you kids, as everyone else is saying, be the best you, the best dad, that you can be. You don't have to be super dad, just be there for them.

It's the $64,000 question. This is who she is today, but who will she be tomorrow? Or next month? Or next year? I think about what I have heard that Steve Harley has said: if the behavior is vastly out of character from the way that the wayward spouse was prior to being wayward, then it's the Fog of adultery controlling their behavior. And that they can be different once they wake up.

Not the same, obviously. The way things were is gone forever, but something new and better can be built on top of the foundation of the old relationship. It all depends upon the question of when and whether the WS will wake up. An unanswerable question.

So I'm trying to let that go, too, and live for today. It's not easy. Like you said, SL, the focus slips. Whenever there's a gap in concentration (driving home, walking between buildings, final relaxation after yoga), marriage crap sneaks into my head (the if-only's and the why's and sometimes still the shock that this is actually happening). But I try to keep busy with other things and avoid triggers where possible and be the best father I can be.

I think I'm getting there.

Whenever there's a gap in concentration (driving home, walking between buildings, final relaxation after yoga), marriage crap sneaks into my head (the if-only's and the why's and sometimes still the shock that this is actually happening)

GUILTY!!!!! Me too. Personally, driving home is when I think TOO much about my marriage. I'm not feeling great today, but good. I am going to the doc in the morning to talk about this 'nerve' problem that I believe I'm having. Neck is always in a twist, and my fingers on my left hand are losing sensation. I am a bit worried.

Tomorrow evening, I am going over to an girlfriend's house to hang out and see her son (he's 5 months old).

Took DS to dinner tonight, just to treat ourselves (PWC has TaeKwanDo).

I dunno, I'm detaching as best I can right now, with the tools I have. I look at our relationship and work for better every day. I do what I can. Living today, not tomorrow, and trying to leave the past behind, only to be learned from, not to dwell upon.

Today is good.

I think you are getting there, too.

I had those "shock that this is actually happening" moments until very recently. They went away when I finally let go of it all, which will happen for you when the time is right for you.

When the "if-onlys" and the "whys" sneak into my head (which they still do), I make a conscious choice to shut them down, and remind myself that this IS what IS, and I look around me to find something to be thankful for in that very moment. I'll go hug the dog or something (not surprisingly, these sneaky thoughts don't sneak up on me when the kids are around....just when I'm alone or, as you say, the focus slips).

These sneaky thoughts are less sneaky, now that I've been letting go.

....I say this because I want you to know that I agree that you are getting there, too.

Wondering who she will be tomorrow or next week is (as you know) pointless. She will be who she will be. You may feel sad that she is not who she "should" be or could be, or even sad that she's not who she was. But mulling over the potential outcomes is just wasted energy.

Instead, you might want to consider who YOU are going to be tomorrow or next week. You will be a good dad. You will be a yoga master, twisting yourself into ridiculous positions. What else? What do you want to do with your life? What are your dreams for YOU? For your little family of you and the kids?

I've been thinking about this, too:


Which led me to a such huge TJ that I decided to just paste over on my thread....

Interesting very interesting.

GuySmiley... you are getting there. It will always be a little bumpy but that is life in general. Even before all this affair cr#p entered my life it wasn't always smooth traveling. I can say that when you do get there you will feel so much better.

I also am guilty of mind wandering about what I would like to say to WH and MOW. About what could of been. If only he would of tried. Then I slap myself (not literally) and realize it still wouldn't be easy.

It's interesting about what Steve says about the WS, I am at a point where I can't even remember what WH was truley like before all this. Maybe it was his true self and I was blind to it? I don't know.... right now my life is good. The only times dips happen is anytime I have to deal with him. He is still trying to control my life even though he doesn't want me in it. Crazy huh.

(((Sdguy))

Still

Hey Guy!

Just wanted to say HI and let you know that I, too, am guilty of letting in those thoughts during the concentration gaps, but I'd wager to say most of us are. Any time you have such a huge issue in life, it is to be expected.

I feel like, you,,,,, I'm "getting" there. Most days seem better than the previous. I find less gaps of concentration to begin with now with keeping focus on MY life and my kids. It's a process. It takes time.

We will continue to improve!

Keep Smilin'! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[As far as I know] I'm fully prepared to live the rest of my life without the SCQ. I think that I have detached from her as a spouse--I don't need her as a life partner. I'm not sure that I even want her back as a life partner. I believe that I can do better. These are questions for tomorrow rather than today, however, so I try not to worry about them too much.

What I'm having trouble detaching is that she's the mother of my children, and that they deserve better. Like Sis says, it's not a gift I can give my children, so I try to be the best dad I can be (recognizing that I don't have to be SuperDad--thanks, SL). I get some anger from this--that they will be stuck with the SCQ and her useless family for the rest of their lives. But wait, that's also a concern for tomorrow, not today.

I'm still feeling pretty good. Accomplishing things at work at something more like my old pace, which is a relief after the last few months. I saw Bugs commenting on the same thing on her thread.

I'm not sure that there's anything to be done about the concentration gaps. I still find myself having the mental conversations with her, but it's getting easier to push them away and refocus on something else. I think writing the stuff down helps, but I haven't been doing it as much as I ought to.

October 17

My book's at home. What's October 17?

I agree with the work thing. I am throwing myself into it, and enjoying it...especially now that the boys are back in school and I don't feel as if time at work is time away from them.

You sound GREAT!!!!!

What book's that? and WHAT IS october 17?

Come on Smiley! Mr. Mysterious!!! LMAO

Glad to hear you are doing well, I'll have to take lessons from you! LMAO

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

RIn,

October 17th.....Feelings and Surrender.

Sdguy,
It's coming for you, I feel it in my bones. What a journey we all ahve been on.

((Hugs)))

Still

Rin,
The book in "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie

WOW, A book I DON'T HAVE! LMAO

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WAit, I'm going to have to check when I get home! LMAO

thanks!

Oct 17: Surrendering is a highly personal and spiritual experience.

Surrender is not something we can do in our heads. It is not something we can force or control by willpower. It is something we experience.

Acceptance, or surrender, is not a tidy package. Often, it is a package full of hard feelings--anger, rage, and sadness, followed by release and relief. As we surrender, we experience our frustration and anger at God, at other people, at ourselves, and at life. Then we come to the core of the pain and sadness, the heavy emotional burden inside that must come out before we can feel good. Often, these emotions are connected to healing and release at a deep level.

Surrender sets the wheels in motion. Our fear and anxiety about the future are released when we surrender.
We are protected. We are guided. Good things have been planned. The next step is now being taken. Surrender is the process that allows us to move forward. It is how our Higher Power moves us forward.

Trust in the rightness of timing, and the freedom at the other end, as you struggle humanly through this spiritual experience.

From The Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie, HarperCollinsPress

SDGuy,

As soon as I saw your thread, I thought of you and your situation. I know you have been in this fight a long time, and I admire your resolve.

My separation began Dec 29th, 2006. I have been married 14 yrs. WW's affair continues to this day, about as long as yours.

Yet, and this is why I dropped by, she came back last week.
I had her back, but I failed to do what I really needed to do.

Here are the things she told me:
Every single day she looked at my private MySpace page just to see my picture.

Every night she thought of me.

She cried many nights thinking about the situation and me.

She was troubled by the "mess" and felt like there was no way out.

She didn't trust the changes.

She couldn't see anyone else being the father of her children, couldn't see a future with him.

She said "You can't trust me. I can't trust myself".

There was much more, of course. It is oh-so-very true about the addiction part of this.

I wanted you to know this, not to discourage you, but to give you hope. I'm pulling for you.

After 8 + months of separation, I had my wife back in my arms, remorseful, loving, at times as though NONE of this had ever occurred. I was oh so close.

I broke NC recently and offered an olive branch. Gently, but firm. I planted seeds, then resumed plan B. Two weeks later she came back, and it wasn't because of the seeds alone, it was because the affair was dying. On it's last breath.

My very best wishes for you, I'm not on this board often (intentionally), but I wanted to stop by your thread.

Stay the course,

Jay

Thanks for that update, Jayban. I really appreciate the perspective.

I am both thrilled and crushed for you. How are you doing?

SD - twas good to meet you in LA.

I will pray for healing for you.

I surrendered last year at this time. OMG it was liberating.

I interact with my x almost daily, with no pain, except for my kids. No regret. No wondering if it could work. And I am very happy it turned out this way for me.

Now you have heard both sides of it. You can have peace either way.

Lets go get a coffee some time. I work in Clairemont.

far

Thanks SD! I found the book this morning and read it on the way to work...my Sponsor had it, so I borrowed it for a while...

I remember that she let me read it when I was still living at home with POWS...

I thought that it was a good reading...thank you for sharing that with us...I appreicate it and I respect you SOOO much for the person that you are! What a blessing, not only to us but to your kids!

I'm honored to know you! Have a great day! Keep your head up! you are doing awesome!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

December 5th

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