you miss my thumps, huh?

no need to disturb the crickets....

honestly...I've just been incredibly stressed out with work stuff...revisiting a few issues that I had conquered in my personal life only to find them resurfacing in my professional life...yuck.

Things have been very quiet. No contact with the SCQ since she brought the kids home late, what, two months ago? And something like two emails in the last two weeks about kid stuff. Crickets.

The last time I saw her was last Sunday, when she dropped off the kids. The kids came to the door without her, and I was greeting them in the front room, and I happened to see her through the window (the blinds weren't closed). She was stopping to look at a big potted jade plant, then she quickly looked back at the house before leaving. Not enough water? Who knows.

I've been feeling much better, due both to different meds and the detachment/acceptance process. I still get angry, but not as angry, and it doesn't last as long. Occasionally, ways to try to fix the situation (or, alternatively, really hurtful true things to say) still pop into my head, but they are easier to disregard.

No news on the divorce front. She was making noises a couple of months ago, then I emailed her and told her I would prefer she left some of the equity in the house, and she said she'd think about it. Nothing since then. At some point, her lawyer asked my lawyer to propose a settlement. I told my lawyer (the other day) that I didn't feel like proposing anything, and why don't they propose something? At the moment, I'm content to let it play out without rushing it.

The urge to date has subsided. I think that was just an urge to *do something that might make me feel better.* Once I started feeling better, it seemed less important. Girl-watching, on the other hand, is still very important.

The kids are okay. For a while, DD4 was complaining whenever it was time to go back to the SCQ's and hitting me with the heavy complaints ("I wish Mommy would come home," "Mommies aren't supposed to leave their families," etc.) but over the past 10 days or so I haven't gotten any.

DS7 has been a bit more troubled--he pointed out that we haven't had a family meeting lately, so I asked him one night what he wanted to talk about. He said opinions (the standing agenda has Opinions on it, which is where the kids usually talk about wanting Mommy to come home), and when I asked him if he wanted me to help him write a letter to the SCQ saying some of the things that are too hard for him to say, he said yes. We haven't done it yet, though.

We spent quite a bit of time watching baseball. I don't believe I've mentioned on here that I am a die-hard Cubs fan. Sigh.

So I'm living day to day. What little hope I have left is wrapped up in a box sitting on a shelf, ready to be taken down if necessary (I think Fox coined that). It's hard to imagine these that she will be able to do the things necessary to recover our marriage, and I'm not sure that I want her to. But the reality is that I'm not thinking about it--I'm not trying to picture it or hoping for it. I'm just living.

I was talking with my IC the other day, and it came out that the thought of things being OVER made me uneasy. She asked why, and I thought about it and said "It's funny. I believe that I will probably go out and meet someone so great that it will make me wonder what the ****** I was doing with the SCQ for so long, but at the same time, it's just wrong. Paradox.

Anyway, there's the update. Thanks for checking in on me. BR, I hope things improve at work soon.

Hey Guy!

Thanks for the update, as I have been wondering about you.

Sounds like it's going pretty good. You are continuing to handle the kids so well!

Sorry to hear you are a Cubs fan! Well, I'll be honest, I am not too, too sorry as I'm a Cards fan! LOL! Honestly, I WAS rooting for your boys post-season, too.



Once again, words that could come from me! Although I guess I need to say something about starting a new M in my case. Oops!

I like that you are throwing it back to her court to make a proposal! Good job.

Stay strong my friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey, sdguy, as you probably know, next year is the 100 year mark for the Cubs not winning a championship. Hopefully it will happen then and you can celebrate with us. I am getting a little tired of the "there's always next year" excuse. For me it has been going for 36 years now....
Chin up man, you will be all right !!!!

Honestly, it sounds like it should be. Cozy and quiet. I like that you punted the 'proposal' thing back at the WW. Good job! now, enough about SCQ.

Get out there and water that jade plant! Sheesh.

Yeah, I think so. At the same time, I have occasional impulses to ask "Okay, *now* what? I got to this place of [mostly] peace, so what do I do now?"

I think the answer is that I don't have to do anything. Just be. At least for a while. So that's what I'm trying to do.

I dunno, start takin out crickets with a BB gun? Could be fun---or, um, inhumane, depends on your feelings about the little critters. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

LMAO...First Thank you for the B-day wish!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Second, LIVE LIFE!!! HAVE FUN!!! YES, JUST BE...enjoy the clouds, a little breeze on your face...the way the kids look at each other, or the look on their face when they are trying real hard to figure something out...

Get in touch with your inner child, laugh more, love more...

For me this is the part that came after I found the peace and senerity! For so long, life lived ME, now it's my turn to live life...

LMAO...just my 2 cents!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It's a bright new world... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Just keep smilin Guy Smiley..

It's like people keep telling me over on my thread.. and advice I really need to start listening to more and more.

To paraphrase a few bits of wisdom: Is it -enough- for you right now to simply have that 'peace' in your life? You've fought long and hard to get to this point. Is there a need in you to continue to -do- something? If so, if you need love in your life, maybe it's time to start loving yourself. Realize that you are your own best friend, the guardian of your own inner thoughts. You must look in the mirror and realize that you know yourself better than anyone else.. Once you can carry on a relationship with yourself and -be happy-.. then you've totally done it. You've recovered even if your M doesn't. At that point it really won't matter to you whether or not the M recovers.. and it will open up the doors to your life again.

Like the old saying goes: Nobody can love us, unless we love ourselves first.

Personally I'm just now starting to use MB principles on myself.. and refilling my own personal account. Who knows.. maybe I'll even get to be romantically in love with myself.. but no sharing that on the boards please.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You've got a lot going for you man, you're a great dad, a strong man of character, and heck.. you've given plenty of yourself to help others here. That says a lot about the guy you are. You're the prize.. and who is to say that you can't win yourself in all of this?

GuySmiley,

As a friend told me the other day when we were having the "Now What?" discussion - - the possibilities are Infinite.

And you know what, she is right - for BOTH of us.

Yet, I suspect that you, like me, are not quite ready to face INFINITE possibilities. I don't WANT Infinite possibilities just yet. And that is OK.

As you said, for now, it is just fine to simply BE. BE in the moment. BE in the here & now. That is enough,,,,, for now.

Now there's a thought. If I did that, do you think I would get more respect when I head up to Fox country? On second thought, probably not. I guess I just better bring along the ceramic shovel.

More importantly, I have taken the plunge! We knew it would eventually happen but were putting it off as long as possible, and now I have gone ahead and done it! I bought two Barbie dolls for DD4. The kids come home tonight, so it should be fun. DD4 seems amazingly appreciative for a 4-year old. She's always thanking me for taking them to the beach or for having gotten the kitten or just little stuff. I have great kids.

Thanks for all the thoughts about Being rather than Doing. I'm actually very comfortable being by myself and savor a good chunk of my alone time. After having the kids for four days straight, I'm *ready* for some down time. I think Jennifer would fret about that a little bit--that I'm training myself to be single rather than a good relationship partner, but it is what it is right now.

Like you said, Bugsy--infinite possibilities. They're out there when we're ready for them. I'm not just yet.

GS,

Personally, I think Barbie still rocks! I will NEVER forget the year that Santa brought me the very first Barbie RV!!! Then the pool the next year!! I even had "Malibu" Barbie who got a tan out in the sun!!

You are a Rockin Dad! Enjoy it. Like I just told James,,,,BASK in that admiration, you deserve it!

I think we'll be spending quite a lot of time knocking around here, being parents, and just "BEING" for a while. Some day, the right day will come along to do or BE something a little different.

I'm cool with that, and I think you are too!

Enjoy that down time!

WOW, AWESOME DADDY ALERT!!!!

POWS didn't get the kids anything and I don't expect that to ever change...it will be MIL who does stuff like that!!!

I stand and Applaude you!!! LMAO...

Just dropping in this morning b/f all my co-workers show up! LMAO...

I'm on the FAST computer!! LMAO...unlike the [email]cr@ppy[/email] one that I got STUCK with at home!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

it's all good! Great job on living life BTW!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, Rin and Bugs. I didn't mention how I went clothes shopping on Sunday or the lunches I make or how the meals I cook always have vegetables in them. I think I do a pretty good job.

Minor trigger this morning. The request for parent-teacher conferences came home yesterday, so I sought out DS7's teacher this morning and asked her if she could do separate conferences. She politely replied with "Let me check my schedule."

Not what I was hoping to hear. I can see why she would be reluctant to make more work for herself, but I don't really have any intention of attending a conference with the SCQ. The whole thought of it sent me down the 'this is silly that I have to live like this -- it would be easier if I just chucked the marriage and just started living that way, and if something the SCQ doesn't want to hear comes out of my mouth, too bad' thought process. It was quick--I got over it without incident, but the simplest things can be triggers.

I think I need to spend some more time with his teacher--she deserves to know what's going on with DS7, and she hasn't heard it yet. And I expect I overreacted. I'm sure she will make time to talk with me, but she probably only has a limited number of the official conference slots for their box-checking exercise.

GS,

I just dealt with the whole scheduling of parent/teacher conference, too.

Originally, at the beginning of school, I signed up in advance for a time. I don't think Drac did. I had left that up to him as it is no longer my 'job'.

Well, turns out that I have to be out of town next week on the night that her conference is scheduled. I am feeling generous today, so I offered to let Drac have that appt. and he's going to go. I am sending a note to DD's teacher tomorrow explaining this and will be asking for another time slot for me.

I am sure that they deal with divorced parents ALL of the time. Is it more work having 2 conferences for some kids, sure, but that's their job. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE teachers. I think they are VERY underpaid for the job and responsibility they have. But when it comes to my baby girl, I will stand up and be firm! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree, I am sure she will find the time for you.

Sorry you had a trigger today! Atleast now you can recognize it, deal with it, and move on. Good job!

{{Guy Smiley}}

There was a message on my answering machine tonight from DS7's teacher explaining that, while she was very sympathetic for my position, she had talked with the principial, and that the district places a lot of importance on one conference with both parents (so that there can be no case of mixed messages). Last year, his teacher did separate conferences, but she was recently divorced herself, so maybe that made the difference. It smacks of worry about liability, which is pretty annoying.

I'll figure out a way around it. I'm not being unreasonable about not attending with the SCQ, am I? I mean, the SCQ would say I was being childish, but avoiding her is the right thing to do, isn't it?

Then just after listening to the voice message, DS7 wanted to go outside and play catch with the 15 mins of remaining daylight. In retrospect, I should have just said no and started dinner, but I agreed. Then DD4 wanted to come out and play catch, too, and of course she can't keep up with him, and the fact that I tried to include her caused him to melt down (probably hungry and tired), and so no one played catch. We pulled it back together, though. It's just so trying sometimes.

Good luck with your conference, Bugs.

I just did my little box checking exercise, too. I'm not giving WH a thought, frankly. If WH wants a conference, then he can set one up. I checked the boxes for the times that worked for me. Like Bugs said, he's not my problem and it is no longer my responsibility to make sure the planets are in alignment prior to scheduling these things.

There is tremendous freedom in being responsible for only one adult: me.

Prior to d-day, we always made a point to go conferences together. WH didn't make one last year...either spring or fall, for either of his sons.

You are in a trickier spot, as the dad. And it does smack of some weird liability thing.

Don't let the late afternoon melt-down get you down. Try to let it roll off, just like every other time when the kids get to HALT: hungry angry lonely tired.

It is just an unfortunate way to end a day, I know. It is very trying sometimes. Very trying.

Hang in there.

We always went to the conferences together, too, going back to pre-school. She would still have it that way. I'm the one who doesn't want to be in the same room with her, so it's up to me to deal with this. The school has made it clear what their expectation is.

I'll work it out. It's the mystique around the conference that brings out special rules and stuff. I'll set something up with her outside of "conference time" to talk about things. No big deal.

I must be overtired. I've had a bit of a short fuse for most of the day. And now I have a strong urge to unload on the SCQ. Probably time to write another letter.

Yes, you will be fine, sd (more than fine, actually). Look how well you recognize your own frame of mind: acknowledging that you are on edge, and acknowledging one of the very underlying causes of that "edginess," SCQ.

This is SO much further along than the anger bank days. Remember the old anger bank? You are not maintaining a huge balance in there anymore, are you? The balance accrues to a certain point, and now it triggers a need to deplete some of that anger.

Write the letter. I don't remember which day, but there is a great one about letting it out, letting yourself be angry. It does a great job of showing you why it's okay to give yourself permission to feel those feelings.

They need to be vented. Underneath the anger is YOU. Not a BH. No mask and cape. Just you.

Have a great day.

SD-

Kudos on the awareness...Do you know about H.A.L.T.?

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

If you are one on these FIX it right away...

And you thought that you were tired...and thought that you needed to write a letter...AWESOME!!!

I've had to write a leter to POWS several times!

Just wanted to pat you on the back! You are doing Great!