I've been having a hard time over the past five days or so. Lots of anger, and I'm having a hard time shaking it. I want the SCQ to hurt--to feel the consequences of what she's done and continues to do. All the things I haven't said over the past year are churning and want to be said to her.

Instead of looking for reasons to keep going, I want to make lists of reasons why I'm better off without W in my life. Or make lists of all the times she lied to me and I believed it.

I guess I'm falling off the acceptance bandwagon. I'm probably doing it to myself somehow, but I really want everyone (including my children) to see the evil that she and the POSOM are perpetrating.

I want some reason to keep doing what I'm doing as opposed to calling it quits.

There is nothing wrong with making a list of all the crap she has done wrong.

Write that nasty letter. Let it out so you can let it go.

Read December 2.

Just posting about the anger made me feel a bit better. I still haven't written the letter, but I will.

Work any better?

I've been struggling with anger the couple of days as well. Maybe it's a cyclical thing?

For me I believe that it has to do with being at loose ends when the boys are gone. No matter how many plans I make, there are still those times when I'm alone, aware of my alone-ness, and it pi$$es me off.

Do you notice a similar relationship between anger and the absence of the kids, or is it just me?

Either way, it's not as if you don't have plenty to be angry about. I guess it's just what you do with it. Hold on to it, or let it go.

Unfortunately, it seems like letting go is a constant process. Did you read Neak's post in AJ's 70x7 thread? She had a really good point about how the things that need to be forgiven (or in our case, the things to be angry about) continue to bubble up...we are constantly reminded of the hurt, and we need to deal with each recurrence.

I thought it was interesting, because I don't believe she was referring to "triggers" necessarily. We don't need to be "triggered" to remember the hurt....thus feel the anger.

Rambling here about my OWN stuff....

SD,

I agree, nothing at all with feeling that anger! Seems normal and healthy to me, as long as you channel it appropriately - - which seems to me you are doing.

I get my share of those days, too, so don't think you are alone.

Hope you have a Good Week!

December 7 is good for you and Sis too.

Work is slowing down a little - most of it is going to take time. I thought I had completely come to terms with my fear of aggressive men (family issues stemming from my dad) - until last week when an angry man started making unreasonable demands of me - it had me totally shutting down. Obviously I have work to do on myself still. I will never survive in this matrix management environment if high level men scare me!

Anyway - sd - the anger is OK. I think that you have these times without kids, these quiet times with nothing to do, just so you can have the time and safety to let out the anger.

Feeling anger is not a step backward, its a step forward.

I know for me at least it's the moments without the kids that I allow myself to be angry. I think it's really gone a long way towards helping me let go of some of the emotions that bubble up over time regarding WW.

If WS won't let us show emotion by loving them.. they at least can't stop us from venting our frustration and anger as an emotional outlet.. that's our choice... how we vent and release those emotions is also our choice.. what makes us better people is finding better ways to do so.

Thanks, BR. Those were good days. My personality is such that I am actually well-suited to living with uncertainty, so I can't imagine how people who demand more structure do this. Maybe they don't.

Ramble away, Sis (and James and Bugs). We all move through the same stages and emotions, it seems. For me, the anger hits me when the unpleasant reality of the situation stares me in the face. So, that's not always when I'm without the kids, because I value some alone time. Sometimes it's when both kids want (and deserve) my attention but there's only one of me. Or when I get clues that yes, the adultery is still going strong (I try pretty hard not to look over the fence). Or when I realize the truth about another one of the lies she told me during false recovery.

It's still easier to see the negatives in my situation than the positives. What's happening is just wrong. Maybe my need to be right is exerting itself again. I want the SCQ to see what she's done--how it cost her the respect of just about everyone who knows her (including her kids, someday), half of her time with her children, her job, her comfortable life. I've been seeing this one on other threads, so to let you know that I feel the same way: I want her to acknowledge that it was a mistake. And apologize for it.

I know enough not to hold my breath waiting for this, though. Even if she were to put it all together, I think she would prefer to slink away to her own misery than do something brave, like step forward and take responsibility for her mistakes. That would draw attention to her. It might make a scene. It would make it obvious that things are not "fine."

Yech. Gotta get some of this poison out of me and live better. I recognize that I need to do better at finding social things to do. The 'adult education at the local adult education place' flyer came the other day, and I actually took a look at it (but didn't find anything interesting).

On Saturday, I checked out the local parasailing port and decided that next weekend I'm going to go. You can just show up and take a tandem ride right over the coast. I've been meaning to do it for years now. I'm going to bring my camera--if I can figure out how, I'll post pictures.

For now, though, I better do some work.

Email exchange with the SCQ. Our custody agreement is such that we each get a weekend day with the kids (i.e., no one gets a whole weekend). In August, when she was trying to get me to renegotiate this agreement, she said:


Yesterday, she sent this:


"Split squad" is a reference to us each having one kid so that they get some individual time (at least with me, they do). My response:


And she responded with:


And I breathed a bit of a sigh of relief, thinking that this is more about her being able to do things requiring a whole weekend and less about wanting the kids to be able to travel with the POSOM, so I said:


So now she has come back with:


which is a bit of a dilemma. Was this all a bait-and-switch to get a whole weekend to travel with the kids? And am I obsessing too much over her taking the kids with the OM on a trip? It would actually be convenient if she has the kids on the 28th, because there's a trip I would like to take, but if the whole thing is about her being able to travel with the kids and the OM, then I won't. Am I being unreasonable/childish about that? Should I let it go?

Here is what I sent:


Opinions/analysis invited.

I think you're on the right track SDGuy.

You clearly stated before that you didn't want to give up your weekend day with the kids.

Stick to your boundaries.

And now


and I responded

I agree with James here; you were clear that you did not want to give up YOUR weekend time, but we're fine with getting MORE time with the kids.

Your next response should be simple. Nope, not interested if I lose my time with the children.

now


Sigh. I think this makes it pretty clear that her intent was to get a full weekend with the kids so that she can do what she wants. Does she think I'm an idiot?

Honestly, is this a battle worth fighting? The main driver for me is that I don't want her to be able to take the kids on trips with the POSOM.

Stick to your schedule as tightly as you can. Tell her you are not interested, but thanks for the offer. DO NOT ELABORATE AT ALL. If you don't NEED to switch times, don't.

Also, don't think of it as apples to apples, you are not in the business of doing favors for one another, either you want to do it or you don't, regardless of WHO she will be with or not. She's asking you for a favor. First, decide if you want to do that. If not, then don't. AND don't think of when you may or may not need her to help you in the future; that is a FUTURE choice.

Stop the emails with a short response of not being interested.

I know it's too many emails. I told myself I was going to hold off on responding, but then I sent this:


I guess I was due for a good triggering. I gained back a good chunk of the weight I lost on the Infidelity Diet, and a nice depressive streak will help me lose a few pounds.

I already had a massage scheduled for tonight. Talk about good timing!

I think SL is probably right here.

If you don't -want- to give up a whole weekend here.. and it won't benefit you more to have a whole weekend later.. well, then too bad for her.

This is one of the consequences of her decision to live her life without you.. you shouldn't feel the least bit guilty about making her live with that choice.

Dealing with my own "issues" around overnights and kid schedules, I won't attempt to advise. Those with more objectivity will be far more helpful.

My only suggestion is that you whatever action you take, you fully consider the potential effect on any long-term, court-ordered custody arrangement.

Set the precedent that YOU want, and STICK to it. Not that is appears it is going to work for me, but I've heard that if you have an "arrangement" that's worked and been in place, there's greater likelihood that the courts would continue that arrangement.

SCQ is trying to worm her way into an arrangement that SHE prefers. Don't let her.

Do you have your present arrangement formally outlined in writing anywhere?

Get this:


That email is pretty amazing to me. This is a textbook case of why a BS shouldn't be having any contact with a WS while in Plan B. I'm now triggered over first her attempt to manipulate me and then the callous nature of the last email. But it's classic thoughtless behavior by a wayward spouse, and I should have expected nothing less. eta: (Which one am I again, Fox, the pot or the kettle?)

Yes, Sis, our custody agreement has been approved by the courts. The SCQ isn't happy with the way it is working out. My lawyer seems to think that if we go to court over this (her wanting to change--or tweak--the agreement), I will lose, because her wanting to include some whole weekends is not unreasonable.

This is all so stupid. I really hate it. Fighting over stuff like this. Having to fight over stuff like this. Having to worry about what I say and how I say it (these emails could wind up in court) and how it might appear. And for what? So that she can be with a proven liar and cheat.

Why am I still doing this? I'm just about out of people in RL to talk to--all of my regulars (including my IC to some extent) just want to shake me and say "IT'S OVER. ACCEPT IT and GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE." and "You're so much better off without her."

It doesn't help that the depression is acting up again. I chatted briefly with my psychiatrist yesterday (same office as my IC), and learned that it's common for the body to adjust to the new med and require dosage adjustment. This would explain the twitchiness I've been feeling over the last week or so.

Looks like Ensure and Xanax for dinner tonight.