I just finished with Jennifer. She agreed that things don't look good ("not headed the way we want" is how she put it) but encouraged me to keep going until the divorce is complete without accelerating it or another six months) but that she won't blame me any time I'm ready to give up. Wouldn't answer any kind of "what are my chances" questions, not that I really asked.

She was encouraged that the SCQ isn't pushing the divorce hard (it could have been done months ago if one of us was pushing).

When I commented that the SCQ probably assumes that I hate her she said I should think about sending the ILs an email apologizing for the communications blackout but that I want you to know I still love your daughter still have hope to restore our family etc and that I could cc the SCQ. That yes, the SCQ might think I am pathetic and tell me to get a life, but do I really care?

She congratulated me on the contact with the ILs that I did have (when DS7 called them) and that I should have the kids call them more often.

The beat goes on. . . .

I'm calming down from having triggered myself thinking about the holidays. I sent an email to the SCQ today trying to tie up a few loose ends before sending anything to her parents--part of it was agreeing to a transfer on the 26th. I managed to avoid saying anything about not seeing the kids on the 24th/25th.

The other thing Jennifer told me was that I should go buy a new wedding band after I sheepishly told her I had thrown my original one into the ocean. And wear it. I'm vulnerable and need to guard my love bank while I am still married. (I guess I know that I'm vulnerable, but there are times when I wish that someone *would* take advantage of me.)

Yes, you are vulnerable, and you already received my THWACK in email.

sd ~ I believe that you won't be ready to finish off this marriage until you learn to be OK alone. Oh and of course stop trying to fight with reality! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Take that focus off what your wife is doing...we can't fix her, leave her to God.

Get back to what YOU are doing that has nothing to do with her.

Remind me again why you don't have an intermediary? This email back and forth sets you back every single time.

Every time you talk to her, you also decide you need a "someone" to help medicate your discomfort.

You have no power over your wife and so you have no power to guarantee the outcome of your marriage. You DO have power over you, and how YOU come out of this. You can come out with your head held high that you fought for your family or you can come out with the guilt that you got down in the mud with the rest of the pigs in your life.

You are a father and your children are watching.

Woah.. duck the flying splinters from that 2X4...

But BR is right here.. and it's advice I can use too (thanks BR <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ).

I think you probably did the right thing in smoothing out the waters about the holidays.

I also worry about you and Bugs dropping your Plan B defense arrays little by little.. but I'd simply advise working with Jennifer and doing what she tells you to do.. they're the experts. I'm sure she gave you some advice on how to handle things this far in, listen to it and do what's in the best interest of you and the kids.

Look back through your posts here.. you went for so long not worrying about SCQ on a daily basis, yet you're right back there again with your contacts with her. Do you feel better every day now that you're back in contact with her? Is it helping you or the kids any? Is it accelerating the demise of her A? Where is the payoff here for you Guy?

There was a post on here earlier from PrincessMeggy about celebrating Christmas AGAIN with the kids. It seems to have wandered off, but I wanted to say thanks for the idea. We will certainly do that--celebrate it again, but giving it a name is a great idea.

And thanks James and BR.


My first reaction to this was a yeahbuttal. I can see why you say this. The most recent one about wanting to be taken advantage of was part whining/part joke. I know that's not the solution to the problem, and I am more protected than I might project. While I don't really feel that I owe the SCQ anything at this point, I respect the fact that I am still married, and I respect whomever might be interested in me way too much to be anything less than candid about my availability.

I have spent a lot of time alone over the last ten months, and I think I'm pretty good at it. I'm certainly not afraid of it. I'm still in it for the kids. Without them, it would have been S-C-who? many months ago. I know that things *could* be great between us again, but things will be great for me without the SCQ, too. At times I feel completely indifferent to whether I want to try recovery. Other times are different, like when I read LG say to SL Sis, Bugs, and Guy Smiley would probably kill to be where she is and thought 'yep.' Nope, not Done yet.

Regarding contact, it's unrealistic to think that there can be no contact in a situation like mine (kids aged seven and four going back and forth every couple of days). I had an intermediary doing a filter of email messages when they were full of Fogged-out venom. That's the kind of stuff I didn't want to read. But the emails became businesslike--just stuff about the kids. The SCQ didn't know she was being filtered, and there wasn't really anything to filter, so everything came through. I'm not convinced the added hassle is worth it in my case (where there is no venom in the communications). I could be wrong, though. Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment, like I said before.

For the most part, the triggering stuff is all stuff I've done to myself. Most recently it was me realizing that my kids and I won't have Christmas memories the way I wanted them to be (fighting against what is) rather than anything specific from the interaction. Before that, getting worked up over weekends--that was largely my own fault for thinking too much about intentions.

Sorry... I deleted it because after I thought about it I thought that it might sound silly because it was such a simple idea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Glad you liked the idea though and you can probably think of a better name for it that your kids would enjoy and remember for years to come. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Guy,

Just checking in after being out of town.

You know, I find that as time goes on, we must face each season, each holiday as they come along and it almost always involves triggers. Yet, I know it will get easier with time - - It HAS to! But the FIRST time we face them under our new and un-chosen circumstances is very difficult.

I look at the calendar knowing that is going to be the case with each passing day/event. I 'try' to prepare myself, knowing it's going to be difficult and then allow myself the feelings that come along. At the same time, knowing that these feelings are coming gives me the ability to recognize them and not let them drag me down too far. Sometimes it doesn't work so well, other times it does. And you know what? That's OK.

With the "Silly Season" approaching, we are bound to have some major ups and downs. It's going to be a couple of months of potentially hard times for us, but thank goodness we all have each other here for support!

Keeping you all in my prayers! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey, Guy, just wanted to pop in and see how you're doin'. All things considered, you sound good.

I think PM's idea is a good one. Essentially, I decided to do the same kind of thing. Although WH and I have always been in agreement about one parent having DDs on Christmas Eve and one parent having them on Christmas Day. Mainly that works because we don't travel.

I could have fought about Christmas, with no actual agreement being in place, but I'm letting that go and will make Christmas Eve our Christmas this year.

Do what you can do, and make the most of whatever that is. These kids grow so fast, we blink and they're gone. I only have 4 Christmas left with DD14 living at home - that really puts it in to perspective. Do I want to make one of those 4 years more difficult on her because I'm fighting with her dad over her?

Yup, AFFAIRS SUCK!

Fox

Thanks for checking in, Fox and Bugs. Yesterday was not great. Between the lingering cold and one too many nights in a row with almost enough sleep, I had a rough day. Today, though, kidless, I slept late and feel pretty good.

I had various shopping plans for the afternoon but nothing really planned for the evening, so when I ran across great reviews online for the new Coen brothers movie after having heard about it on NPR last night, I thought I would go see it. I don't think I've been to a movie by myself yet, and our movie attendance had trickled off to nothing, so this was, well, not a big deal, but something.

So I look for times. Limited city release. No showings in my area. San Diego is the sixth largest city in America and likes to call itself America's Finest City (and some city government financial shenanigans notwithstanding, I don't know that I disagree), but the *one* movie I actually want to see today isn't showing here. Showing in Los Angeles. 100 miles.

Sigh.

SD

Hey man - I read this -



And *I* immediately thought "GUY" ROAD TRIP! Next time call a buddy and do it! why not???

What can we call this,,,,for us ladies it is using our Goddess Mentality,,,,,,,,

You know what I mean - getting out of the hole and thinking outside of the box to do things for yourself.

I thought about it, Bugs, but I couldn't quite justify four hours worth of Southern California traffic for a movie showing. I did my shopping, ate out, watched some stuff on cable--it was good.

Kids due back in a couple of hours.

SD,

I don't understand or appreciate SoCal traffic here in the Midwest! LOL! Glad you atleast gave it a thought - as the idea is to consider things you may not normally do as a 'treat' to yourself!


Glad the shopping, dinner and cable was good.

It will be good to have the kids home!

*shudder*

Bugs, count yourself lucky.

I'm in NJ, in the NYC metro area. I live 18 miles from work.

I spend 2-3 hours a day in the car round trip.

Y'all (or should I more appropriately say "youze guys") need to check out MEDC's "where to live" thread....

And I'll leave it at that...

(....high-fiving Bugs in the fly-over states...)

Glad you are feeling better, sd.

SD - forgive me a brief TJ here ,,,

BR,

WOW! Your post really made me laugh. I grew up in a rural farming community. NO stop lights in the entire town. I have lived/worked in the closest metropolitan city for some time.

My Dad, God Bless him, always asks me how FAR something is. I always reply with "well Dad, it takex X minutes to get there". He then asks again, how FAR it is. He doesn't get that in some places 18 miles could take 2-3 hours by car! Well, it wouldn't take that long where I am,,,, Thank goodness!!!

Dang BR, too bad you can't get travel pay!

In Dallas we always refer to the "time it takes to get somewhere" when asked how far something because of our lovely traffic. And you'll get different estimates in five-minute increments. Well... if you leave at 7:05 a.m., you'll get there in 25 minutes, if you leave at 7:10 a.m., you'll get there in an hour, etc. LOL

Wow, BR. Mercifully, my commute is rarely more than 20 minutes, but with the SO-Cal freeways, you never know what you're going to get. Especially if you wander up north towards LA.

I'm from Illinois, though, and can remember life without traffic concerns.

SD,,,,,

Where in Illinois are you from? That is my state of origin!

hi, just dropping in...reading up...you sound well...good for you!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for dropping by, Rin. Some days I feel like I'm doing well. Other days I feel like I am tolerating/surviving this period of insanity in the hopes that my children can have an intact family (which is probably the same as doing well).

Bugs, I'm from Bloomington-Normal, although it's been a long time since that was home. I'll be headed back there after Christmas, though.

Tonight on a lark I went to the spinning class at the company fitness center. I've never been to a spinning class before. Not being a real aerobic exercise guy, I was a bit concerned, but I neither died nor threw up, and I was able to walk away unassisted. Hooray! Gotta get some food now, though.