Do we really want to go there? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

As for the rest? You are right, you are right, you are right. (other than the "almost certainly" part.

Fox

There are no easy answers for what I'm about to post. I've seen it discussed many times, and mostly I'm posting it because I want to get it out of my head.

This morning, DD4 and I were talking about family. My parents left this morning after 2 weeks here, so it was on her mind. She said something like "now I have new mommy--Grandma."

I said "Well, she's my mommy. She's your *grand*mother."

She said "Yes. But we do have a new member of our family. POSOM."

SDG: "He's not a member of our family."

DD4: "But Mommy loves him. She kisses him all the time."

Pause.

SDG: "POSOM is not a member of our family."

DD4: "No. But Mommy kisses him all the time."

I let it go, and for the most part the only bit that's eating at me is what I should have said. I think next time I will say something like

"You know, DD4, it makes me sad that Mommy loves POSOM. It's wrong for Mommy to love POSOM. I know Mommy doesn't think so, but I think POSOM is a bad man."

I can elaborate on any of these if necessary.

My IC would ask me "how does this help your children?" and would probably cringe at what the children tell me and shed tears for all the pain I go through, but in the end would encourage me to say nothing because the SCQ is the only mother they will ever have.

One of my responsibilities as a parent, however, is to teach my children right from wrong. The SCQ has clearly abdicated that responsibility. "They're not old enough to understand" is just an excuse.

At least that's how I'm thinking about it right now. Opinions welcome.

SD,

OHHH Boy! I know where you are coming from. I don't know about a 4 year old, but I know my 6 year old understood perfectly well.

I told her that it is not ok or right for anyone to have a 'boyfriend/girlfriend", to kiss, hug, or any of that with another person while they are married to someone else. Period. End of story.

As you know, Drac tried to make it all 'ok' by saying we weren't married. Then, when that didn't work, he tried to say they weren't boyfriend/girlfriend,,,,, yet kissed, etc. in front of the kids.

It's your choice how detailed to get. You know your kids best. I am firmly in the camp of stating the truth. The above worked best for me. I personally didn't go into the HO being a bad person, , , but my kids knew without my saying it.

I am sending you the biggest hug ever!

{{{{{{{{{{{SD}}}}}}}}}}

I'm with Bugs - I remember reading how she handled it and admired how she was able to make a point without "blaming" too much or talking badly about OP (although they deserve it).

I agree with reiterating that you are married and that married people should not act that way.

Fox

I'm just catching up, and it's late, and I'm sleepy...

But I cringed when I read that. How heart-breaking for both of you: you as SCQ's husband, and for sweet innocent little DD, whose experience of "family" is forever and irrevocably altered.

I'm so sorry. And I have no advice. I've not done very well in that department, and the boys are also older, and "get it."

Awww, sd. This really sucks. I hope you are able to come up with the perfect thing to say. And you may not want to wait until "next time." You may want to say something like, "You know, I was thinking about that talk we had the other morning...." I think that sends a message that what she says is really important to you, and that you were really listening...and lets her know that grown-ups don't always have all the answers right away, either.

Gosh, I was faced with some very tough questions, and I still have no idea if anything that I said was RIGHT or not, but it was the truth. I answered according to my beliefs. I think you did a good job. Maybe you can think on it some more and elaborate at a later time, with DD.


((((guy))))

Thanks, guys. I implemented all your suggestions last night. I gently revisited the subject as I was laying down with them at bedtime, avoiding judging the OM. Kept it light.

DS8 (birthday was Monday) already knows the right and wrong aspects of what she's doing and didn't join the discussion. I think DD4 does as well.

That's always rough man.

DS is starting to ask questions all the time, and making statements as to how Mommy and I aren't 'friends' anymore.. it's his word for people who care about eachother.

I've been trying to reassure him that I love his mommy very much, but that things will just be different from now on. We both love him and will always be his best friends.

It's a rough talk to have man, and my heart goes out to you.

It's always tough having the talks and tough when they bring up uncomfortable topics. DS8 knows what they are and avoids them. DD4 doesn't get that yet.

It's just another one of the joys of infidelity.

Man. I really want to close my office door and take a quick nap.

The joy of infidelity is like the joy of herpes

you get to keep it for life and when it seemingly goes away for awhile it always flares up.

How about, "No sweetie. POSSUM isn't part of this family because he's not married to your mommy. He can't marry your mommy because she's still married to me. If mommy and me aren't married anymore and they do get married, then I will still be your daddy, your mommy will still be your mommy and POSSUM will just be the FREAK, uh I mean, person that mommy married. So he'll NEVER be a part of OUR family."

I would go with "Lop eared, jug headed, camel faced, bug eating geek pit FREAK" but I guess it is a matter of preference.

Major trigger.

It's split-squad weekend. I had DD4 last night and today and had a really good time. We didn't do anything major, but did a lot of individual stuff that's hard to do with DS8 around. Good day.

We hadn't worked out the exchange, so I texted the SCQ at around 5 pm saying I would bring DD4 over at 7:30 with a question mark. DD4 said she wanted me to take her over. SCQ replied later that she was out but thought it would work.

I checked my phone before we left and didn't see anything. We show up at 7:30, and her townhouse is dark. We walk up to the door anyway, and that's about when my phone rings. It's the SCQ, telling me they're not going to make it in time and did I get the pages. I say no, and we're standing out in front of her place.

In the mean time, DD4 goes up to the door and opens it. It's unlocked. I start thinking that maybe we'll just wait inside until she shows up, and then I hear something from inside the SCQ's place. It's one of POSOM's kids, and POSOM is laying on her couch in the dark. He says "The SCQ's not here."

I get DD4 and close the door. Then I open it, stick my head back in and say "How's OMW?" He responds "What are you doing here?" but I am already leaving. SCQ tells me on the phone that I could just leave DD4 there. I respond "No f'n way am I going to leave her with him." She says something about picking her up and I hang up.

DD4 and I come back over to my house. DD4 is in tears when we get here, saying she doesn't want to go over to Mommy's. She has been saying this all day, not just because of me getting upset. I let her call the SCQ on the phone to tell her this.

I had been planning to actually talk to the SCQ about DD4's cough, but not now. I carefully position DD4's stuff out on the sidewalk making it clear I have no interest in seeing the SCQ.

DS8 gets home, and now he tells me that he spent his split-squad day with OM's two daughters (aged 2 and 4). Nice.

Later I recall that POSOM's friend died last weekend. I'm just as happy that I didn't say "Too bad about your friend. Isn't karma a ******?" DS8 tells me that POSOM was at the funeral today (maybe that's why the SCQ had his kids).

Okay. . . going to play with DS8 now. I don't think I will let this bother me too much.

If you can successfully bounce back from that, good for you. You are right...huge trigger. Poor DD. Once again, SCQ is demonstrating a real knack for being thoughtless and careless.

Do you think she did it on purpose, i.e.; "can't you see how absurd this stupid weekend arrangement is? You can't? Oh, oops...I'll let POSOM greet our daughter, since it's inconvenient for me to live by this schedule that you insist upon."

It was so kind of you to ask after Mrs. POSOM.

I bet DS LOVED being with 2 and 4 y-o girls today. At least he'll get some good dad time tomorrow.

Lesson for today: Make pick-up/drop-off plans crystal clear prior to the weekend.

Sorry about this, sd. Yuck and triple yuck.

Thanks, Sis. Bouncing back okay so far--been building LEGOs and playing Playstation with DS8. Probably will medicate to sleep, but I'm going to shake it off quickly. I'm in such a better place than they are.

I don't think it was intentional. She's just that late. And I saw the two TMs when I got home. I expect she feels bad about it, but not so much as to apologize, not that I really want her to.

I probably shouldn't have had DD4 call the SCQ, but she really had told me like 6 times today that she didn't want to go over to the other place. And she wanted to talk about how long she was going to have to be there. And finally it was too much.

Okay...going to go read with the boy.

SD,

Sorry to hear how it went yesterday with all of that. Grrr! Intentional or not on her part, it had to really hurt.

Yet, you 'sound' like you are doing Ok. Are you?

I am glad that you had DS with you after to help keep focused on other things.

{{{SD}}}

You know, I am doing well. This only bothers me in the empty moments, like trying to go to sleep and waking up, and even those weren't too bad.

Today was a good day with DS8. We did pretty much what he wanted to do all day long. Watched some football, played catch in front of the house, went to the park for more catch and soccer, shopped for his sister, ate at his favorite place, IHOP.

My life is so much better than that of the infidels, and it's only going to get better. Things are only going to get worse for them.

I feel terrible for my kids, but it's not something I can control. DS8 had to share his room with POSOM's daughters the other night. He says they woke him up earlier than he wanted (it was his way of telling me that it had happened). When I asked if he wanted them to sleep in his room (he and DD4 share a room), the answer was an emphatic no.

Aside from the stray dark fantasy aimed at POSOM (like telling his daughters "Hi girls. Where's your mommy? Don't you miss her?"), I think I'm okay.

Still doing well. Two productive days at work, okay at home by myself--still trying to keep the kitten entertained enough so that she doesn't attack me all the time.

I went grocery shopping tonight, and damned if they didn't have pre-made Snickerdoodle dough at Ralph's Pretty Good Grocery.

You are killin me with the dough. You now KNOW my love of the snickerdoodle and taunt me with your words of scrumtrilescent premade dough.




Yeah, that's what PWC said...

LMAO>...you are on a roll this morning SL...

Watch out for those kittens! Course, I think that my dog's the same way!!!! LOL

Have a great one guys!
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