Hey SD,

Happy Holidays and a Wonderful New Year. You are definitely the Plan B King around here and I so admire your patience.

Enjoy your cruise. Sounds like a good thing for you to do. As I sit here alone on Christmas Eve, I think that I should have done the same thing. Dang, poor planning on my part...

Have fun!!

Okay, so there's been a delay in the cinnamon rolls. Because the SCQ took the Kitchenaid Mixmaster (was okay--about the only thing she took from the kitchen), I had to figure out a different way to make the dough.

Use the bread machine! It's what I use to make pizza dough, so why not? Hmm. Seven cups of flour. Probably won't fit, right? Better cut the recipe in half. Dump in the ingredients . . . an hour and a half later, the beeper says it's done, and presto!

Wait. There's still flour on top. Lots of it. And yeast. Maybe all of the yeast. Sigh. Drawing board, here we come.

Phone call. . . Costco still open . . . road trip . . . new Mixmaster. Merry Christmas to me. The dough is rising.

Thanks for the kind words, CL. I think the experts would tell you that my plan B is flawed by too much contact, but it is what it is. That has made it harder on me, but I don't think it has affected the SCQ's choices. As Jennifer has told me, if the SCQ comes back, it won't be because of anything I do.

What do you think? Two batches of rolls?

The cruise was good. My new theory is that cruise ships are giant floating food troughs. I haven't checked yet to see how much weight I gained.

Welcome back home SD.. Costco is a life saver isn't it?

Glad to hear someone elses home is going to be smelling as good as mine has the last few days.

Keep your head up man.. you're fighting a valiant fight.. kick back and enjoy this time.. Jennifer told me in not so many words that I've got plenty of time to be with someone (hopefully a lifetime with my WW).. so take full advantage of what time I have away from it.

Keep breathin brother.

Hey SD, James

SD, I don't know how NOT to have contact if you have young children. I think that it would be dang near impossible.

I have called Jennifer a few times too. She's great. Told me to wait one year, and DO NOT get into any situations with the opposite sex. I know, I know - we're vulnerable, but it's not something I'm even thinking about.

James, I'm not too familiar with your sitch. I'll have to catch up on your thread.

I smell the cinnamon rolls. Yum. And skinsgal is doing crabs. Dinner smells good around here tonight guys.

Merry Christmas, SD!

LOVE that you got a new MixMaster!! We bought Mom a red KitchenAid for Christmas!!

Glad you had a good time on the cruise,,,,don't step on that scale until Jan 2!! That's an order!

Enjoy your kids!

Oh, and feel free to send any extra rolls my way!

On my cruise I spent a day in Cabo San Lucas. I signed up for one of the excursions and got driven up into a canyon, and we came back down by traversing on ziplines, rapelling, rock-climbing. It was a blast--stuff I'd never done before and wouldn't with the kids in tow.

Anyway, I mentioned Cabo because it was, like, 80 degrees. I got back home to San Diego, where it was a beautiful 70 degrees or so.

I got the kids back on Christmas Day (thank you, SCQ) and have now brought them back to the Midwest, where I was born and raised. We're visiting my parents.

Today we went out for a walk. The temp was 32 or so with a nice wind blowing, and I was cold by the time we got back. My California girl DD4 was seriously cold, and even DS8 was cold. I don't think he will talk about not needing a jacket anymore.

I grew up in this and then lived in St Paul for five years during graduate school, but my blood has thinned living in San Diego. It's cold out there.

Cinnamon rolls were good and well-received by my neighbors. I wore shorts to deliver them.

SD,

Welcome home to the wonderful Midwest!! Glad you are having time with the kids & family this holiday season.

32 degrees is COLD?? Come on! If you spent those grad years in St Paul, you know that 32 is more like a 'cool' day!!

SD & Bugs:

ONE of the reasons I stayed in Maryland and NEVER moved back to Michigan.

But $800k for a house will keep me out of the land of fruit and nuts for quite awile....

LG

Midwest.. cold? No.. we have seasons here don't you remember? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

That's ok old man.. it's not your blood thinning, they say with some age related illnesses the circulation starts going away.. do you feel tingly in your fingertips.. toes etc?

We wear gloves and stocking hats around here still <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey.. drop some buckeys out of the airplane as you pass over my part of the world.. we know how to take care of them here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

...and the big question is...

Did the kids get to see SNOW?? Go sledding? Make a snowman? Have a snowball fight?

It is very easy to get acclimated to warm; a lot more difficult to get re-acclimated to cold.

Enjoy the visit!

Yes, they have seen snow--there were some filthy aged piles on the ground when we got here, and we got a dusting the next morning. The first time for DD4. DS8 got to make some snowballs (no gloves). I'm hoping for some more snowfall, with big flakes that the kids (and I) can try to catch on their tongues.

The thing I miss second-most living where I do (behind thunderstorms) is the peace of watching snow fall outside when I am comfortably warm inside.

And yeah, I know that 32 isn't particularly cold. That's what was so sad about it. I was cold. At least I could still differentiate it from real cold in Minnesota--the I-don't-want-to-bend-my-legs-because-they-would-touch-my-pants-and-my-pants-are-really-freaking-cold cold. And I'm always careful to never use the word "cold" to describe weather in San Diego (unlike the native Left Coasters). (No argument, LG, it's an expensive place to live.)

I'm enjoying the visit, and the kids are having a great time. I'm doing a pretty good job of not thinking about Things, but they slip in there every now and then.

I managed to avoid it during my other vacation, but the Thinking sneaked up on me on the last day. I realized that I want to be With Someone. It's not out of any particular need. I am okay if not content alone, but it's just not how I want to live.

Not really a great time to mention Buckeyes to a guy whose Big Ten alliances are Minnesota, Illinois, and Iowa (at least I won't be in SoCal to see USC throttle Illinois), but I'll see what I can do.

I know I could never live anywhere without those rolling summer thunderstorms!! They are my favorite, too!

I know what you mean about wanting someone. I have an 'opportunity' for a friendship to be more, but I have determined that as much as I don't like being alone, I am not ready to be with anyone else just yet. It's so hard at times.

I wish I knew how to stop wanting to be with someone who doesn't want me. It's only when I allow myself that thought that I get sad these days.

It is better for the most part. Hey, we have almost made it all the way through the 'holidays'!! Alive and well!!



Careful there!

I live on the IL/MO border, so I get to claim BOTH sides. Illini basketball and Mizzou football! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I could have written your post above (minus the part about those OTHER schools in those OTHER Midwest states).

Probably because you can't be busy all the time. You still lay in bed alone--just before you fall asleep or when you wake up in the morning. You still see sights, hear sounds, or experience things that you know SCQ would have enjoyed. Those Things just come--unbidden-- because she is your wife, someone you knew intimately, because you knew what made her smile and laugh and cry, because you love(ed?) her.

This is okay. And I don't think it will be forever...at least when Things occur to you, they won't always have such a deep pang. Maybe just a twinge.

Gulp. I was thinking EXACTLY the same thing recently. And listen to what's going on with Bugs. It must be a nearly-a-year-in-Plan B-itch thing, since we are on similar timelines.

In my situation, the advice I got was right on: I was/am so emotionally dependent on WH for my well-being that it would be absolute folly to jump back into THAT mess.

I've still got baggage that I'm carrying around. I'll carry it around until I'm done with it...until I don't need it anymore. But this happens in its own time, not on MY timeline.

Being With Someone right now would just be inviting him to carry my bags for me. Which would be a welcome relief in the short term, but ultimately not fair to either one of us.

Anyway...today is today. Things will happen when they are supposed to happen.

But I sure do understand the Loneliness.

PS: No gloves?!? You ARE a guy.

Thanks, Bugs and Sis, for those great posts.

To be honest, the twinges for the SCQ are fewer and farther (further?) between. I still have them, though, which I guess is good, since I'm not done yet.


It will come, Bugs. The longer you stay in your Plan B (especially if you start shielding yourself better), the easier it will be.


There is wisdom in this. An Old Friend recently asked me if I have been behaving, and the answer is that I have.

It snowed here today. About three inches, so the kids got to go out in it. It wasn't right for snowmen, but it was just about perfect for snowballs--light but packable. We had a pretty good snowball fight. Pretty cute watching DD4 run right up next to someone and toss the snowball at them. She made snow angels, too. DD8 had a great time until he took one in the face (aimed at a cousin).


I am a guy. But (2008's first yeah-buttal. Beat you to it, Fox.) I did consider making him put his gloves on before the walk. His opinion was that he didn't need a coat, and moaned about it, so I let him find out what it was to be cold by letting him go with no gloves. Today, looking for his gloves before going outside was HIS idea.

Today I wore my birthday present from my SIL (my brother might have had a hand in it, too), a monogrammed t-shirt--with the letters SDG. There were dark glasses (to complete the costume), too. Pretty cool.

Went to a New Year's celebration tonight with friends of friends, which was a good time. A tradition of theirs is going around the room with the previous year's low point, high point, and the resolution for the next year. They got to me and my low point, and I said "Are you sure you want to hear this?" They said yes, so I gave them both barrels.

Then, for 2008, I resolved to cough/sneeze into my elbow rather than my hand. I thought this was a pretty good resolution, but my friend hassled me about it, so I added that I would check out the Del Mar yoga studio so that I can do yoga more often. In the back of my mind, I wonder whether there are any attractive trust fund recipients (lots of money in Del Mar) who practice yoga there.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Things have been quiet for some time.

Apparently, they had been too quiet, so I stirred them up by sending the following email to my ILs:


This response came today:


I'm thinking that this is typical. There are some ambiguous statements in there that my gut instinct wants to follow up on. (What differences? What do you mean that they can't be mended? Do you mean to say that there's a part of you that wants your child to be divorced?)

What has she really told them? I don't think they have met POSOM. Is she still concealing facts because she's ashamed of what she's doing?

Advice encouraged. Even the obvious 2x4 of "Why are you reaching out to ILs if this is a so-called Plan B?"

It's been a year. On one hand, I can keep doing it. On the other, well, it's been a year. I was thinking this morning, wondering whether I would feel anything if the SCQ died suddenly. I don't think that I would. If she vanished from the face of the earth and I never saw her again, I think that would be fine.

Don't discount the idea that they are giving you the best opinion they can, or that it may even be correct. After a year? I'm in no position to even attempt to imagine what a year of Plan B might be like, but I have to wonder: do you even want her back? Doesn't sound like you even know if you do or not.

Thanks, Tyk. I think you're right, and that they are giving the best opinion that they can.

What do I want? I want the biological parents of my children to be in love. I would settle for the biological parents of my children making a real, honest attempt to repair their marriage, because that hasn't happened yet. I know that I can live happily without her. Beyond that, I don't know, but it's not like I need to worry about it at the moment.

I got the following via email from BrambleRose:


This was a well-deserved 4x4 (I-beam?) It got me wondering what *was* I thinking. I think I figured out something, and since I think it's a fairly classic inappropriate response to trigger thing and could be instructive to the newbie Plan Bers in the audience, I'll post more details when I get a chance.

SD,

Well, anything I'd planned to say isn't necessary now is it? I think you have the correct response from BR above.

What WERE you thinking? I think you also know the answer to that.

Don't take it too hard, because I *do* understand the feelings,,, the *need* that likely was behind your actions. It can be overwhelming at times, which if we allow that to happen, leads us to doing things which are not good for us.

I can see that you have learned your lesson. I am just sorry that it hurt you.

{{SDGuy}}

Incoming 12’ W10 x 66 wide flange “I” beam. And take off the hard hat.

Dude, my jaw dropped when I read that. There was no mention of you drinking heavily so I assume you knew what you were doing. What were you doing?

Oh well BR covered it all anyway.

“Why didn't you just ask the OM if you should keep hanging in there?”

Insert Hockey Announcer: “SCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRE.

Next time go down to Skid Row and talk to the transients there about their opinion on SCQ. They would have better advice than the IL’s.

Remember to always come here first before you do that so we can give you a deluxe wedgie tug first.

Elaine: Why do they call it a "wedgie"?

George: Because the underwear is pulled up from the back until ... it wedges in.

Jerry: They also have an Atomic Wedgie. Now the goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It's very rare.

Elaine: Boys are sick.

Okay, put the hard hat back on, shows over.

You did WHAT!? As my mom would say "that just earned you twenty lashes with a wet noodle" (she was always teasing, of course) Wooden spoons were serious, wet noodles not so much.

Wet noodles are much easier to carry - those 2 bys and I-beams are way too heavy for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I just decided I better stop saying "wet noodle", cause SOMEONE around here will make it sound dirty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think you know the drawbacks to this interaction - you risked a little bit of your own sanity and peace. You didn't gain any - you let loose of some.

I understand the why's - hard to explain but there are why's.

And, as you know, whys don't always have to be about controlling something. And when they ARE about controlling something, it isn't necessarily bad.

If you would have asked yourself WHY you were contemplating this reach out to the in-laws, you may have been able to control yourself. You could assess what you were hoping to gain and then assess the likelihood of getting that.

Sometimes we don't ask why - because we don't want to know the answer. Because it would stop us from what we want to do anyway.

I'm not surprised at the ILs response to you. They've been wishy washy from the beginning. They can't really see inside your marriage - and probably have heard quite a bit of re-writing from the SCQ.

And really......they have no power in this. The question on what they recommend leaves a burden on them - how can they make an informed decision when they aren't YOU? They weren't a partner in your marriage - they didn't make vows to you.

The only real loyalty they have to you is because of your children - their main loyalty has to be to the SCQ - their OWN child.

The statement of "her mind is made up"- Yeah, right. That's what she is SAYING to them. She's wayward, that's what waywards say.

Her mind was made up the day she said vows to you, too, I would think.

Only YOU know your threshold. There is hope as long as you believe there is hope. It's also your choice to not live by hope alone.

Keep living, sdguy. You don't HAVE to make a decision right now. It will come - and one day WHACK you between the eyes.

If it is still a question, then you're not done. Don't quit until your done.

Fox