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I "saw" you lurking today......

Hopefully your silence does not mean you've made contact with any aliens....

Fox

ZOIKS!!!

Thanks for the persistent checking on me, Amigos. It has been a crappy couple of weeks. I've been trying to distance myself from it by spending less time here, but I don't know that I've done myself any favors. It has kept punching me in the face, and instead of getting it out, I think I've internalized too much and let myself get into a funk.

Plus, I've made so many mistakes that I don't really need to have pointed out to me, and it's not like I'm setting any kind of good example for the neophyte Plan B'ers out there. I can critique what follows in terms of too much contact, stick to the schedule, use an intermediary, let your lawyer do the work. All would be spot on.

Jinkies. Where to begin? It seems like there's been some kind of trigger every day for the past two weeks.

There were a couple of calm days after the mediation session, which was a huge trigger all by itself. Then, the Sunday before last, asking DD4 whether she'd had a bath the night before (when with the SCQ). "Yes, with POSOM's DD3 and DD2." And not being able to cover up my reaction.

The next day getting a call from OMW, who wanted to know if I had said anything to the SCQ, because she was getting the silent treatment from POSOM all of a sudden. Talking with her and realizing that she's powerless against POSOM--totally being strung along and letting him eat cake while occasionally LB'ing the crap out of him (I suspect). Figuring out the sequence of events that led to the silent treatment.

This was heavy enough that I took a walk from work to a quiet spot and prayed. I asked for God's help. I asked for Him to help my family, to help me, and to help the SCQ and POSOM. To help and watch over my children, because they deserve better. I said that I give up--I have been trying to control things, and I'm going to stop (and could He please help me with that). I have stuck to this so far, and maybe this has lifted some weight.

Then the minor triggers started rolling in. My lawyer reminding me that we are still scheduled for court, and that the SCQ's motion was about weekend custody, a house appraisal, and attorney fees. So I exchanged some emails with the SCQ about the motion and how to get it resolved without going to court, and these were, of course, triggering.

An email from her reminding me that the bag that goes with the kids needs to have Two warm sweatshirts and not just one, because it gets cold at the daycare provider's house, and she knows I still have some over here unless I've given them away. "If you want to control exactly what goes into the traveling bag, then why don't you act like a good parent and come home and at least make an effort at saving your children's family--otherwise you can go [insert something--be creative]" went unsaid.

Then the report from the mediator comes in, with the recommendation being for the SCQ. Reasons: "It is reasonable and understandable that the mother would want to have at least one full weekend per month with the children. Both parents' proposed plans addresses full weekend parenting time for each parent. However, the mother's request for each parent to have a full weekend every month with the children seems easier to track and follow and less conducive to further disagreements. Also, the father's repeated assertion that the children prefer to maintain the status quo indicates that Court matters are being unwisely shared with these eight and four-year-old children."

So I actually don't mind the decision too much (other than a nagging sense of having lost), but reading the report made me feel like I'm being made out as the bad guy. It really made me angry. I wanted to send a reply to the mediator to set the record straight, knowing that it wouldn't affect the outcome, but just between the mediator and me so that she knew who the bad guy really is (and the real reason she wants full weekends). Sanity prevailed.

Then, on Sunday, maybe the best one of all. On Saturday I sent her an email telling her that my cousin and her children were coming to town and wanted to see us and was it okay if I brought the kids over at 2 instead of 12. When I hadn't heard anything back that evening, I sent her a TM alerting her to the email, since she likes TMs. Then another one Sunday morning before the TMs started flying.

SCQ (9:48) Saw mail. You can have them all day and I'll have them all day next Sunday. Send reply.

SDG: I have plans later, so this won't work for me. Do you want them at 12 or 2?

SCQ: Guess it is 12. 2 leaves not much of a day on a school night. Adjust your plans for later if kids already know they were staying later to see people.

SDG: 12 it is.

SCQ: Do the kids know about [cousins]?

SDG: Of course.

SCQ: Since you told them without a plan in place removing it now is wrong. Makes it look like I am not letting it happen. You should keep them and let them see their cousins.

SDG: Yeah, I want to keep them until 2. 12 or 2?

SCQ: Yeah, you want. 2 and my original wanting of full weekends is my only option now.

SCQ: And I will ask for you to pay all court costs. Isn't it great to be flexible.

SCQ: Changed mind. 12.

SDG: Okay.

I'm sure that she was in the middle of doing something with POSOM that she had to quit doing to come receive her children. All I did was ask for two hours (the exact same thing she did to me a couple of months ago, except I gave her a lot more than an hour's notice), and she tried to turn it into something else, and when I held firm, the vicious, crazy SCQ came out.

I had lots of potential replies to this, but I wound up just shaking my head and saying nothing.

And the fun keeps coming. While I was typing this, another email from the SCQ, who doesn't like the mediator's recommendation.


I can't even figure out what she means, but what I want to tell her is "If we have to go to court over this, I will be telling the judge that I think the reason you are so insistent on full weekends is because your adultery partner has full weekends with his children and it would make it easier for you force the kids to participate and play Big Happy Family. You want it because it makes your adultery more convenient (because it's what he wants you to do, right?) and NOT because it's in the children's best interest."

It's just so exhausting. I feel like maybe I need to lay down on the ground or something and talk with God again. "I GET it. I surrender. Enough already."

Sorry for the length. Thanks for reading and checking up on me.

((((((SD))))))

Will include you in my prayers tonight.

And remember, it's always darkest before the dawn.

Always.

~ Marsh

Oh, guy, there is so much pain in what you wrote.

The SCQ is nuts. She won't really compromise, then wants mediation, then can't live with what the mediator has suggested? What a maroon! It does sound like it's just not fitting with her plans, really. It doesn't sound like it has much to do with the children, as much as it has to do with her wanting some eutopian infidel world. EWWWWWW.

((((guy))))

Oh my brother from another mother...

They really are crazy aren't they?

So much hate and resentment in them.. and instead of turning it on the person who continues to visit pain upon them (themselves) they make convenient targets out of the people they feel they can have the biggest impact on. The betrayed spouse who heroically still loves and cares for them.

I'm so with you, and feel your pain.

I'm terrified that even in the protection of Plan B.. however modified out of necessity to avoid court.. these things still get through and still trigger after having been there for so long.

You're still my hero Guy.. and an inspiration to the rest of us of how to have a persistent, and steadfast spirit.

Keep praying, God will give you the strength you need, and the knowledge of when to speak, and the wisdom in the words you do say.. you simply have to trust in Him and stop trying to control the situation.

God will provide what you need.

I wonder if a version of Alanon for battered spouses isn't appropriate. Since doing more reading on the subject, it would make things so much easier if we, the BS, had more tools at our disposal to learn to detach, and to learn that we are POWERLESS over others.

I will probably struggle with this for a while, even though my mind KNOWS it to be true, my heart has a hard time letting go.

A lot of what BR and Mimi were saying to me, early on, is clicking now, making sense. I didn't have my wits about me or the tools to USE the information.

SDGuy,

I read your post last night, and should have responded then, but I really didn't even know what to say. Just sat here with tears in my eyes realizing that if things had played out a little differently in our sitch, we could have ended up in the same boat. Our kids are almost the same age and we've been married for about the same amount of years.

I am sorry she is so, well, WAYWARD! Selfish and nasty and mean, and the worst part is she is mixing the kids into the mess. Am I reading this correctly though, that you have not cited "infidelity" as the reason for separation, etc? You need to document everything daily of what is happening over there. What does your L say about all this? Is there any way you can throw a wrench into their little plans?

My heart goes out to you, SD. We need you to stay here with us, though so we can help you through this. The more you withdraw, the worse you will feel. There are many people here who care about you, who have been where you are, and who can help you make great decisions about how to approach things along the way. Your world is upside down, and sometimes it is really hard to get any kind of perspective in that mindframe. We aren't here to kick you when you are down, we are here to help you stay as strong as possible.

But yes, you are right...she is doing this stuff cuz she knows it gets to you. In the process, she is using the children to further her cause. So very sick! To quote you...


Protect yourself and stop letting her in...

Man, oh, man.....she's a piece of work, isn't she?



If this is going to be seen by a judge.......BE CERTAIN to address it and make clear that you are not "unwisely" sharing information with your children.

Just because you repeatedly assert that the children prefer to maintain the status quo, that does not mean you are sharing information with them unwisely.

Some information needs to be shared - "where's mommy", "how come she lives with WB", "where are we going to live".

Questions need to be answered - and it isn't your fault if the truth isn't all rosy because their mother makes bad choices.

You know the drill since you posted it before you posted the rest. You need to protect yourself - intermediary, etc.

Will continued mediation REALLY get you anywhere - or is she going to want what she wants and to heck with you?

My suggestion is to decide what you think is best in terms of D for you and your children. Take a firm stand, have information and good reasons for what you decided.... and go to court.

DO NOT BE AFRAID!

She's a wayward bully with all the entitlement that goes with that.

You are a good dad - let that stand for itself.

If the sitter's house is cold - SCQ can take sweatshirts there and LEAVE them with the sitter for every day use instead of having them go between 3! houses.

She's poking, sdguy, move the buttons.

Somehow...I've finally figured out how to move some of mine. I sat directly across from WH (ETBX - eventually to be ex) and his mother for 3 hours last night at DD14's dessert show concert. DD13 BROUGHT them over to sit with us. Not ONE WORD passed between us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I tried to make eye contact with his mother and at least say "hi, how are you" but she wouldn't even give me that. Both of them acted as if I was nonexistant. That used to REALLY bother me - to be invisible like that. But it doesn't anymore - it says more about them then me. I joked and laughed and talked with DDs and the other people around us. It was a nice night.

Somehow, we've got to figure out how to move those buttons.

Have you considered an intermediary that SCQ doesn't know you have? Someone to filter the crud but get you the important info. I know this can be difficult - but is it more difficult than what you are already doing?

You give her power over you. Stop it.

Thinking of you, sdguy.

Fox (aka Kettle)

SD-
I don't know.
This has been going on for a year... Do you think that it is healthy for you emotionally to keep holding on?
Because the longer this drags out, the longer you will have hope....
Maybe it would be best to get the D speeding along, that would speak volumes, and if she wanted to stop it, she could. If she didn't, then you would know that too....
As much as it would be great to have your whole family intact, it is not always feasible... if she were to come back now, can you imagine HOW HARD it would be?
If your M was meant to be, then it was meant to be... you can always try to plan A her after a D if you wanted to.

I kind of get the feeling (I may be wrong, I apologize if I am) that this is all a huge contest to you... a battle of the wills if you will. That if you do this and this and this, she will want to come back... and I think that that is what is hurting you right now (emotionally). You did all that you could and should do, and she still did not come back, or consider coming back....And it is a HUGE sting, and a HUGE blow to your ego....

That is kind of the point that I got to with my EX... I realized that it was not that I really even wanted him back anymore, it was that he did not want ME back... and he stuck to his guns, like your WW.

And I realized, what am I wasting time for? I got the D started, and it was over. The finally acknowledging that it was over, coming to grips with it, was amazingly freeing.

I know that it hurts that she has the kids around his kids, and I understand the outrage...But, if the kids are well taken care of, and they are loved by her, and her fool boyfriend is good to the kids, maybe it is NOT too terrible. I would listen very carefully to what the kids say about him... don't pry to much, but just see... if he yells at them, whatever.

I was furious at my EXH for bringing the kids around his gf, and then my EXH brought the kids home one day, their hair was all cute, they were all excited... his gf had gotten them all gussied up... they never have a bad thing to say about her, and I think that speaks volumes...

Like the poem goes, "if you love something, set it free, if it comes back, its yours, if it doesn't, it was never meant to be'

I think that it may be time for you to let go, and move forward, as much as it may hurt you... you fought the good fight... but a good fighter also knows WHEN to stop fighting....

I am not trying to be mean, just to give my thoughts, you seem to be in a similar place that I was at one time... and I let go....

I wish you well.

I'm all for letting go, but I am NOT for exposing your kids to ANYONE new when the ink hasn't even been set onto paper for the D. Even once the D is done, those kids need you MORE, because they are dealing with a lot of inner turmoil. They may seem happy at times, but trust me, they are struggling with their emotions, with their loyalties, and with their heartbreak.

If Jennifer has you in a Plan and you still agree that MB could work, I say listen to her.

Now, as for the SCQ, my opinion will not be agreed on by many, but I think it's time for you to show some teeth, and dig in your heels. When she emails you some idiot crap like the sweatshirts, tell her that she can, as Foxy put it, leave on with the sitter, or you will be happy to do so. I, personally, WOULD respond to her emails with some indignation, and YES, I would point out that she has caused the bulk of this mess, and you will not PAY for that by bending over to her every whim. Tell her to call your lawyer, unless there is some EMERGENCY with the children.

This sippy cup/chocolate milk/sweatshirt CRAP needs to be pointed out to her. At a certain point, without showing a willingness to go to the mattresses with her, she will not respect you. That has already happened on occassion.

Again, not many will agree with me, because Plan B calls for silence, but you haven't been in a DARK plan B this entire time, why not firmly respond to her flim flam?

In all honesty, Guy, I wish you would go completely dark on her, intermediary and all. You would save YOURSELF a lot of pain, and the marriage wouldn't be worse off for it, either.

THat would rattle her to no end, and you would get the benefit of true silence. Meditating wouldn't be to constantly combat the pain/anger/resentment, but to soothe and restore. I dunno, I just feel for you in this. My situation is different now, with it's own crap, but I cannot forget how Plan B was for me, and imagining you in it this long, well, I just feel for you, and know that upon me becoming darker, I felt better, really better. The turmoil still existed, but I was buffered.

Thanks, everyone. Especially Sadmo and Resonance.

Resonance, everything I've been told is that the courts in California don't take infidelity into account--it's a no-fault state. While the court will sympathize with me and maybe glance sternly at her, the rules don't allow them to take any of this into account unless there's some kind of physical threat to the children.

I don't know. Lots of options. Things to do or say, but I don't really know which way to go at this point.

I responded to her email with "I'll listen." Her suggestion is basically a different way to implement what the mediator ruled for, but she opened the email with "I still want full weekends" and proposed that a switch to full weekends be scheduled within a year.

I'm completely triggered right now and need to take some time to process everything.

Probably I will agree to what she has proposed about the weekends, propose that we revisit full weekends in six months after seeing how they go, and move on.

Sadmo, you raise a lot of good points. Stuff that has been rattling around my head more lately. For me, I don't think it's so much a test of wills with the SCQ and an ego blow that she has rejected me. It's about feeling like I have failed my children and that people will think less of me for having done so. I have fought to avoid this, and (as BR said) it has been a test of wills with God.

And so another option is to give her the full weekends. Say, okay, you can have full weekends, I want these things from the final settlement, and we'll be done with it. That does sound enormously liberating.

SL, I hear you on taking a stand over the crap. It's a slippery slope from there to trying to reason with a wayward spouse, though. Trying to make them see that they are wrong.

It would be like telling her that everyone knows the real reason she wants full weekends is to make her adultery more convenient. My mom tells me that the SCQ needs to hear DS8 complaining about POSOM's daughters sleeping in his room and when DD4 says she doesn't want to go to Mommy's or that she doesn't like Mommy (got that one not too long ago). I agree--she should hear all this stuff, but can she? We could all tell it to her, but she's got her head so far up her [censored] in Affairland, what's the point? I might as well tell my cat. The interactions will be more rewarding.

It's all just so frustrating and hurtful.

SL, I'll think about the full darkness.

I have always wanted to know how to spell gerbil-lunger-at-er. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks.

HTH

my pleasure

Not to be confused with a gerbil-lungerator which I believe would be mechanical assisted gerbil lunging or gerbil lingerie which would be weird even in California.

Ummm…..just thoughts from the divorced guy.

I always confuse it with Richard Gere.....

HTH

Hey SD! I just saw this in another thread. It was posted by MelodyLane and is advice form just a couple weeks ago from Dr. Harley. Thought it might help...

Dr. Harley:

You are going down a bad path, SD. I do NOT want to see you end up completely shredded to bits. You WW is actively living her fantasy and making your life a living HE11!!! Protect your children as much as you can and pull yourself up from these depths of despair!! She is gone to you for right now. Let your L do the "dirty" work and stop trying to "win." Your M is right, she needs to feel the consequences of her choices through the children. You make sure they have a voice, and are not afraid to speak their mind to her (respectfully). Keep the line of communication between you and your children WAY open so you know what their life is like "over there." At the first sign of anything negative to them emotionally or physically, get a RO.

Other than that, all you can do now is protect yourself and your children as much as possible. Close the doors, SD...no more fear...save yourself.

(((((((SDGuy)))))))

Pretty sure you can get these on Amazon. Gerbil lingerie I can't help you with.

Thanks for the paste, LaLa. I'm leaning more that way all the time.

I just went to lunch with colleagues. While I was there, I was engaged and was able to put all this crap away for a while. Driving before and after, however, it was churning. The conversations playing in my head--things to say, things to do, and then noticing that my stomach is tight and my shoulders are trying to become one with my ears.

When I remember to breathe and relax and just meditate on what I should do (I told my IC yesterday how I had been praying to God for help, and she said that this was a good idea and asked if I had received an answer. I replied not that I know of.) what comes to me is "Let go" and "Get it over with."

Sometimes the answer is staring us right in the face. A very DARK Plan B from now through the divorce and thereafter-- preserving what TINY bit of love you have left for WW. I agree, time to let the Ls handle things, expedited or not. And as to WW "hearing" her children... she will RUE the day she made these choices. I PROMISE you it will come back to bite her in the... gerbil hind quarter... when they grow up.

You've been so strong... time for some relief.