Hey, CL.

Interesting that you've been given the same advice about letters.

I'm not worried about future affairs. I guess all I'm looking for is a shot at reconciliation. At that point, I will be able to assess the person that is coming back to me. If I don't see what I need to see (and I understand that it will take a while to see some of these things), then I will be the one walking away.

As far as the letters, if you're going to resent it, I don't know that I would do it. I can write these without getting bent over them. Even if they're having a big laugh over them over at Infidelity Central, I know who and what I am and what I have done for the sake of my family.

Thanks for the kind words. I admire your strength, with your daughter and all.

Heya Guy..

Haven't been posting much, but wanted you to know that I have been keeping up with your thread.

Looks like Jennifer is counseling us in much the same way regarding any potential recoveries. In the one session I've had with her, she too indicated that I was on the sidelines waiting for the A to crumble. Now of course WW's indications are that even if it does, she's been hurt too much to even consider it. Like you, I've pretty much gone about moving on and living my life.. haven't gotten to 'done' yet either and I think that's OK. Honestly I don't have time for anyone else but my kids in my life right now anyway.

Anyhow.. the point is, I'm keeping up with you, keeping you and the kids in my prayers.. and passing the Gatorade to my fellow sideline sitter.

Interesting how many of us (BHes) are here in this situation.

I think I might have been in many of your shoes if I hadn't gone off and just signed a quick no contest divorce. I probably would still be in it.

Having things be officially over, however, did help me move on.

I'm with Jamesus, though. I don't really have time for someone else. I do, but I don't.

SD, Jamesus, you will get to a point where you're "done". I'm there. Got there myself when false allegations started getting thrown around. That pretty much killed any thoughts of reconciliation for me.

So now I move on. I don't mean to TJ, but am just letting you guys know you won't be on the sidelines forever while your WWes go and destroy their own lives. My exWW is jumping from one marriage right into another. I don't know if she knew this guy while we were married (I have my suspicions) but it's a testament to the instability I've observed in many situations.

I don't understand how motherly instinct doesn't override stupidity and have these women look at what they're doing to their kids' home and family.

SD, have your kids rebelled against this stuff at all?

I know the day will come when they start asserting themselves and realize that these people who have been thrust on them really have no authority or right to give their opinions on anything in their lives. I can see how teens in split families end up rebelling, turning to drugs at a high percentage, and have relationship problems.

I can only hope that the one side that stays sane, the betrayed, will hopefully continue to put the kids first and keep that part of their family intact for the children. I think the kids will see that as they get older. There's the parent that put them above all, including their own personal needs, while the other one jumped from one relationship into another, changing things over and over and dragging their children through their confusion.

It's a dangerous path that even a BS can be tempted to take.

I've met a few BSs that I respect for just being still and not rushing off into anything. Self recovery and self growth is a great thing.

Chrisner comes to mind. Look at his relationship with DD20. There's others here as well.

So keep your chin up, SD. Keep those kids first always and they will appreciate it as they get older. They'll remember or learn who it was that ran and who it was that wanted to actually stick to their vows.

My best wishes to you and Jamesus and all other BHs and BWs here who do put their kids first.

This is typical FogSpeak. It may or may not be true, but it is certainly something that they all say.

Lots of crickets lately.

Some back and forth with the SCQ over logistics--baseball practice and equipment, swimming lessons, etc.

DS8 told me he wants me to take him to all of his baseball games (like last year, even though some of them are on her days). I'm not coaching this year. Based on the practice game the other day, some of these games are going to be excruciating--it's the first year of kid-pitch. The practice game was on her day, so I picked him up for the game. The SCQ showed up with DD4 about halfway through and stood far away from me and everyone else, probably respecting my no-contact wishes. Somewhat triggering, nonetheless.

I still have my angry moments. And, in thinking about the letter to send, moments where I find myself thinking about reasoning with her. Going beyond "the door is still open" to "Are you sure you want to walk away from this door?" which could easily turn into "Here's why you shouldn't walk away from this door."

Frustrating. Especially because I don't really want her to come home because I have convinced her to. I want her to come home because she has realized it's where she really wants to be. Then I look at the situation and realize she's so far from that and wonder why I'm still doing this at all.

I was moving some pictures around from my fireplace mantle, and my DD4 pointed at one and said "that's my favorite." Sure enough, the last group picture of our family.

Oh. That's why I'm doing it.

We were talking the other night, and I forget how we got on the subject, but she told me "Mommy's falling in love with someone." And then, lowering her voice "It's POSOM." I nodded and told her "I know." She said "that's a pretty dumb thing for a mommy to do." I had a brief temptation to pile on ("that man is why mommy left home, etc.) but let it go. I think I just nodded.

Sigh.

I believe you are doing that right thing, guy. You are giving it all that you have. Lord, I know how hard it is. Keep your eye on the prize. If it doesn't happen, you have lost nothing, except time. Maybe some pride, but pride doesn't, generally, serve you well in this type of sitch.



I certainly, STILL, know this sentiment.

Oh Sd,,,, I SO hear you on so much of this.

Good job holding back with DD. My DD told me today the order of people that she loves,,,,,,,,,,the HO is now on the list. OUCH!! I felt like I was taking a stake in the heart and wished I could drive one into Drac right then and there!

Instead, I sat back and took a great deal of Pride in the first name on her list - God.

I am pleased to know that we are both putting Him first on our list! He's in control and I HAVE to stay in the co-pilot seat. It's hard, hard, hard.

Drac's been poking at me over things w/DD. I just don't engage. I keep it strictly business and have even found myself venting less these days. When it comes to those pesky WS's at our stage of the game, Less is Better.

So, I'll be praying for Less for you & the kids tonight!

Hang in there!

I carved that on a rock here on the dark side of Pluto but you have to read Braille.

hey, Chrisner, SD. Just popped in to say "hey". Sd - i will say a prayer for you.
chrisner - I like your attitude.
They found a picture of Helen Keller recently....

far

Hey, FAR

Thanks for dropping by. Hope all is well with you. Sounds like it is!

Hey look! FAR's Out!

The other San Diego guy.

Have a great weekend guys.

My best to DD and DS, SD (too many acronyms)

Hey SD,

Just wanted to check in and see if you had written the next letter as advised by Jennifer???

If you did, I don't expect that you got a response, but I wondered....

Hey, CL

I haven't been ignoring you, just been busy with kids, sick kids, kids' baseball games, and recovering from the afforementioned. Plus creating some space for myself from adultery and its' accompanying woes.

So, I haven't sent the letter, but I am going to soon. I will include a gift that I made for her and tie it in to the letter. I've been mentally composing it and got some nice suggestions from my IC yesterday.

It's been about two months since the last letter. I'll set up an appointment with Jennifer for next week to discuss what to do after that. I am considering inviting the SCQ to a FTF conversation--if she is still fully determined to be divorced, then I'm ready for that to happen. I need to be done with this limbo are-we-going-to-be-divorced-or-aren't-we phase (for reasons other than my mental health).

FTF?? Probably is so simple that it's going right past me.

Oh, sorry. Face-to-face. Got my work acronyms mixed up with my online acronyms. So hard to keep track.

In an old Loony Tunes or Tom and Jerry cartoon I think FTF was frying pan to face. Still.........

Yeah, you're right, that probably works just as well for the conversation I have proposed. Maybe Jennifer will tell me the same thing.

Duh! See I told you it was too easy. Can't believe that I couldn't get that one.

Let us know how it goes. I don't think that I'm going to do mine. I looked back at the last 6 months and I have sent 3 of them and all are ignored. At this point, I'm starting to heal somewhat and I don't want to open the wound again.

I guess I also feel that if I'm ever to move beyond this, I need some type of effort thrown at it from him. If he can't do that then I'll be OK where I am.

Good luck SD.

I hear you, CL. It's getting harder to remain interested in recovery. My soul feels kind of numb right now.

This weekend is the first full weekend for the SCQ, and I find myself looking forward to it. I really need some time to myself, just to relax. The single dad of two small children thing is SO draining. I wouldn't be able to do it all the time without making some significant changes.

I feel like I'm down about six hours of sleep.

SD,

Being a single parent is sooo hard, especially when they reach the teenage years. Our DD has always been somewhat rebellious, and I can't imagine having had to deal with that alone when she was that age. I remember back then that there were times when my WH barely could control her. Without both of us there, it would have been a nightmare.

You do need a break from them at times, so hopefully you can take the weekend and do something for yourself.

I may have missed it in your thread somewhere, but don't you have custody?