L2S,

I think you need to change your cellphone number and do NOT give it to him. Do NOT call him. If he continues to stalk you, get a restraining order.

IMO, you need to stop ALL communication with him. Just get the divorce papers filed one way or another, and let the judge divide stuff up between you.

This guy is poison! He is scary. Don't listen to his suicide threats, because they are just designed to manipulate you. What I am afraid of is his hurting YOU and your D!

GET AWAY FROM HIM!!! FAST, before his behavior escalates even further!

If this is right why do I feel so bad and hurt?

He called this morning to say he looked at papers and is ready to sign.

Do I just proceed and if it is not right, God will stop it?

L2S

Please get away from this man. It hurts because you a are a loving, caring person. It's normal. This man does not understand how to relate to a marriage. He has demonstrated multiple affairs, he verbally abuses you, daily and he recently escatlated the abuse to include physical. Step back a look at the facts and ask yourself what you'd recommend to someone else.

Sign the papers and move on!

xring

I am so sad. Maybe this is just normal but I feel like I'm dying inside.

L2S, You may feel like you are dying inside, but I'm afraid that you will REALLY die if you continue in contact with this man. He is a nutcase, IMO.

Change your outlook on this. By getting him out of your life, which has been pretty darned sorry with him in it, you are embarking on a brand NEW LIFE!

Go cold turkey with your addiction with him. Cut him out of your life. Make your theme song be, "I'm Gonna Wash This Man Right Outta My Hair"...and DO it!

Ok, here is what it went for us....
After 2.5 years of trying, wife tells me she cannot live like this anymore and that she will file next day. We talk about kids, who gets what, etc. Next day I tried get info for my lawyer but she would not respond to e-mails or return phone calls. I went home early and found an e-mail saying she changed her mind. I asked her why and she said that she realized how final it was and that it most likely could not be undone....Mind you, there was no OM in our situation, just a very stressful career...
Did God tell her not to file? Probably not, but He did plant the seed of doubt in her mind. It made her things about how everything was going to change, specially for the two kids. That was 6 years ago and today we are stronger than ever. The kids rae in college and we are adapting to being empty nesters....
What I am trying to say here is not that you should stay with him and everything will be great, but that sometimes you need to follow your gut instinct. Your situation is so much different than ours was. I never did the things your husband did. God will try to stear you in the right direction, but, and it is a BIG but, He gave us all free will to do what we think is right for our particular situation.
Good luck and God bless you.

I WANT to move forward with my life.

I miss the man he was before we married but, that man hasn't existed in a LONG time. I THINK divorce is the right thing to do. I really, really think it is.

But, I just have this doubt, this sadness, this fear that I'm wrong.

I can look back at all that has gone on and look at all the people that have been involved in our mess by both of us and see the monumental task of getting past everything and repairing all the Rs that have been damaged by our actions.

This wasn't a hush-hush affair. Everyone knew and a part of it is the embarrassment I feel by what he has done and said. I'm sure he's embarrassed by me telling people what has gone on.

Maybe a part of my sadness is the time of year. I'm just so sad and weepy and scared. Really, really scared. Not so much that I'll end up alone (I think) as I am that I'm doing the wrong thing.

But, my family thinks D is the right thing. So do most folks that reply to me here. So did the two ICs I saw earlier this year and last year.

Why is my heart refusing to get on board?

Pain, fear, grief, and self-doubt are clouding your mind.

You're doing the right thing.

Truth: The only thing that will change your husband is a near-death experience. That's not a suggestion to you.

Dont go playing that game with God. This is Your Choice. Own it, one way or another.
God will not interfere with your excercise of your own free will.

Dont go playing a game of, "God didnt stop it, so it must be His will". 'Cause there's just no end to that game, and you're not the only person who could play it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I understand.

I second guess myself all the time. When he's being the way he is right now (nice - not yelling - not threatening - except what I perceived as a threat on Sunday) I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

When he's being a mean, nasty jerk, my resolve is firm. Whenever the papers are pending, my resolve is firm. Now, they're ready to sign and he is agreeing and my firm resolve turns to jello.

I'm in love w/what could have been and I keep trying to see that person but now I see that person through the layers of abuse, cheating, threats, etc.

I think about him being alone (although it won't be long - he's not the type to be by himself for long) and worry. I just need some concrete confirmation (I'll probably get 2x4s for that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />) that this is what needs to happen.

I want very much to do God's will. I just am having a hard time figuring it out. I'm pretty dense when it comes to personal decisions that are emotional in nature. Something I need to add to my list of "work ons", New Year's resolutions.

Here's a suggestion, L2S. Have you ever been over to survivinginfidelity.com ? It's very similar to this site, except their divorce board is a little more active.

I think if you check out their divorce board, you will see many of those who are experiencing pretty much exactly what you are going thru. You will find a lot of support there, from those who are feeling what you are.

It may be worth checking out.

L2S,

I was in a relationship like this, before I was married. Things were very crazy. We broke up and went back together. Over and over again. A lot of turbulent times wtih the guy. He sounds very much like your STBX - and you need to make this man your X.

My X had me thinking like you are. Doubts about everything. He had me so confused, believing that he could change, would change, that things would be rosy and sunshine again.

Do you believe that?

Don't.

Because the roses are just temporarily spray painted red, and at the very first sign that you are not doing exactly what he wants you to do, he will become what you already know him to be. Mean, angry, and violently unpredicatable. He scares you, intimidates you, and puts you in a position where you are never quite sure of what he will do next - and so you are not quite sure of what YOU are doing.

That is no way to live. The instability of having someone like this stalking you - and he is stalking you - makes for a crazy lifestyle, don't you think?

I urge you to re-read your own posts as though you are someone else, looking in. He shows up at church, waiting in the parking lot. He shows up 2 hours away in a store behind you. He threatens suicide to control your feelings. He calls you over and over and over.....and each time he calls it is a different personality, sometimes nice, sometimes mean....who knows which guy will show up behind you?

I was there, L2S.

My story: He began to beat me when he didn't like what I wore. Or where I went. Or what I said. I ended up in protective custody overnight in jail, because he beat me so badly and the police couldn't catch him, so they had to keep me in jail to keep me safe FROM HIM. They had no choice, because they had no idea what he might do next. Even after I got married to another man, he continued to stalk me. He followed my husband and me on dates, to the movies, to restaurants. He showed up in the middle of night at our home, vandalized our property and our neighbor's yards. It didn't end until I left the state - only because he couldn't afford to follow us, I think.

I see so much of the signs in your description of your H, it scares me and takes me back to that relationship.

Don't have a single doubt about the divorce. I have not read your post until today, when I happened to get off of work early and had a little extra time to browse the forum. I don't know why I clicked it, just seemed curious.

I felt very strongly called to answer your post, and to tell you my story. To let you know that your story brings me tears, that I'm afraid for you. I will pray for your safety, L2S.

Change your cell phone number. That's really good advice.

Jen,
Thank you so much for the site info. Thank you too for hanging in there with me.

I never realized how good I had it when my first H moved to the other side of the country the day after we signed the D papers. I reached a point w/him where I just didn't have the heart to try to work on M. I'm at that point with my H now but, I'm having a hard time letting go and breaking all contact. It's really tuff.

I can't imagine myself back in the same old junk but it's the good times that we had that wrenches at my heart. It's the familiarity I think that I miss. The feeling that someone outside my family loves me.

Anyway, it's just tough.

Schoolbus,
Thanks for the post. It's really hard to take that final step. And yes, he does confuse me. One day he's nasty, the next apologetic and remorseful, ready to do whatever is necessary to make it work.

It's just hard to take that final step beyond which there is no turning back. Not sure what I'd be turning back for.

Just hurts. If I can get past Christmas maybe things will be better. Just bad timing. But, is there ever a good time for D?

Merry Christmas to all.

How true. Maybe not necessarily in that order, but very true. It is human nature to be afraid of the unknown. What you have now may be bad, but it is a known quantity. What lies ahead is unknown, hence the fear. Don't let fear make up your mind.

Is it just the time of year??????????

I've read at least three recent posts from men who say their XW's are contacting them about getting back together?
(Mortarman, Welderboy, Cymanca).

Is it just the holidays and loneliness and the woulda-coulda-shouldas?

Holidays are stressful and probably the biggest time of year when you really want/feel the need to have someone in your life.

The papers are ready and my H is ready to sign. He's asked me to contact the attorney's office and find out when he can go and sign. I've hesitated and put him off at every turn.

Why on earth am I doing that? This is what I want/what needs to happen....right?

How long has your life been on hold? I see your WH trying to hold on to you, using abusive tactics! Is he showing remorse, is he showing that he wants to change HIMSELF? If not, then you'll just end up with the same R as before.

I'm pretty sure that no one WANTS to get divorced, but there is a HUGE difference between wants and NEEDS! What do YOU need (without considering your WH)? When you answer that question, you'll know what to do.

My life has been on hold for years; more than just the almost 3 that we've been separated.

Regarding remorse:
He says he's sorry.
He says he seldom talks to OW or XW; significantly less # of calls on last cell bill that he gave me recently.
He hasn't cursed me out in recent weeks. Has gotten mad a few times but hasn't been as nasty as he is capable of being. Last worst time was a few weeks ago when he slapped me.
He has made a few veiled comments about suicide.
He still makes smart comments about me and other men; very accusatory.
To my knowledge he isn't in counseling.
To my knowledge he isn't in church. I know that simply being "in church" doesn't change anyone and doesn't make anyone a Christian or a better person but, the exposure I would think would help.
To my knowledge he does still have contact w/OW.
He says all the right stuff.
He makes comments about us and SF and that makes me uncomfortable b/c he knows how I feel about that b/c of the As.

What do I want?
Peace in my life.
A home of my own.
A person who will be my safe place and I can be their's.
Love and contentment.
Someone to love and trust and be committed to and have that be given in return.
Someone to share my life with.
Someone who will love me and give to me as much as I give in return.
Someone who loves me 100%, without reservation, without condition.

I think I feel guilty when I don't spend time w/him. He makes me feel guilty. He tells me that he has no one or that he wanted to go out to eat but I didn't call or acted like I didn't have time.

Now, with Christmas here, I feel really guilty that we won't be together b/c of our R and b/c of the strained R w/my H and my family.

It's sad to say but, I will be glad when Christmas is over this year.

In other words you want someone who is mature enough and emotionally healthy enough to be an a mutually beneficial relationship instead of being the one he leans on and rages on to fix his life.

KaylaAndy,
Yes....but....
I'm afraid that I'm not emotionally healthy enough for the relationship I desire.

I had to go into town this afternoon for last minute stuff for Christmas. Talked to my H and met him at a store. We ended up going to several around town. Got something to eat. Took something I bought for a family member by their house. Took to door. Didn't go in. Asked my H if he wanted to go in; said no and stayed in car.

My D called and asked when I would be home. I did not tell her that I was w/her dad. My niece called and I again did not say I was w/my H. Told her I would be home in a little while.

H got mad b/c I didn't tell them I was w/him. Said I was embarrassed to be w/him. Said he sees now that it is over. Said he sees now what a fool he has been to think that we had a chance of working things out. Said he was a fool earlier this week to drive 2.4 hours to come see me while I was out of town; surprised me by showing up in a store.

Said that he won't bother me anymore. He doesn't want to see me on Christmas. When I took him home this evening he went in the house and came back out with my D's gifts, my gifts. Gave me gift certs for my sister and husband, my niece and her husband (who is also his cousin). Said I could give them to them Christmas day but not to tell them before.

Said he will go to attorney's Tuesday morning and sign the papers. He is tired of being hurt and tired of thinking there's a chance when he knows now there isn't.

He was crying while telling me all this. I told him that there have been numerous times while we have been together that his son, daughter, etc. would call and he would say that "he" was doing something and would never mention that I was there. I didn't get mad at him b/c of it.

The death of a marriage and a dream is oh so painful. I wish I could just go to sleep and not have to deal w/it anymore. I don't want to hurt and I don't want him to hurt. I don't want to hurt him.

My H has told me it's over. Said I will never get the chance to hurt him again like I hurt him last Sunday and today.

My great niece was in the Christmas play at church this morning. So, big dilemma....... Do I stay away and miss her and tick my family off? Do I go and make my H mad?

So, I went but waited until after church had started and went into the balcony away from everyone. Stayed for my great niece's part. Went out of the church before it was over and stayed away from everyone.

When I got in car saw that my H had called. Said since I didn't answer cell he assumed I was in church and that that made him even more convinced that I was just trying to hurt him more and confirmed for him his decision to sign on Tuesday.

When I left church we passed each other. I tried to call him and turned around but, he was gone. He wouldn't answer call. But, he called cell about 30 min later. I heard and answered. Said he didn't expect me to and was going to leave VM.

Said it is over. I will never get the opportunity to hurt him again. Said I could take the Christmas gifts I bought him and return them or donate to charity. Said I could do with the ones he gave me what I want.

My biggest problem right now is this..........Why do I care?

This man has treated me like crap almost our entire M.
He has cheated on me.
He has made me look like a fool around his family.
Everyone knows he has cheated.
He has abused me verbally/emotionally/physically.

Somebody please tell me why I care what he thinks or does?

What is wrong w/me that I can't move on?\

The thought of him being alone tonight and waking up alone tomorrow morning is killing me. But, what can I do? If I ask him to come here he won't and if he did my family would have a fit. I can't go to him b/c my family would have a fit and my D would not go.

I can go tomorrow but, it is going to make my family and my D mad.

I'm in a no win situation. I make somebody mad no matter what I do.