2much,
Do you have a support group around YOU?

Personally, I am afraid that the more people I drag into it the worse it will be.

I would like to go sign tomorrow. I still have stuff in our house (I moved out and he's keeping house) but I'm afraid he will make it hard to get my stuff. The next door neighbor is his good friend (female) and I know that if I showed up w/a moving truck she would be on the phone to him before I could get out of the car. Also, he has family members that work in our business that are in and out all day long. The element of surprise isn't in my favor.

I really do want this over. It should have been years ago but fear has paralyzed me. I am afraid of him and what he is capable of doing. I'm not so much afraid of physical voilence as I am of his mouth and him making it hard to get my things.

I stayed out of church again today b/c of him but, he has assured me that it is okay if I go to church! Right!! Okay until I go then I have h*ll to pay.

Oh well. Maybe I will get the nerve to sign tomorrow if the attorney's office is open.

I really wish you peace and determination as well. I think we've both allowed other people to have way too much control over our lives. And, like we've both said, we're fine until it comes to our love relationships. At that, I really suck!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

How about getting a restraining order, and taking a police escort to retrieve your things?

L2S,

Stuff is just that - stuff. If it comes right down to it, you can probably replace nearly all of it in the future. Yes, it will cost you, but in the end, if you have to leave it to leave him, it may all be worth it to do so.

MLK day tomorrow, most attorneys will be out. Tuesday - go sign.

And, the best bet? Don't be home when you tell him.

Plan on spending a few days at someone else's house. No need to let him know in advance, either. From now on, you don't share your life's story with him, no details about where you go, what you're doing. He has no need to know.

You need to begin your own psychological separation from him, and as part of that, it includes not calling him, not telling him your daily business, and not including him in your daily life events. That is how YOU go through your first phase of withdrawal from him.

Because, in many ways, you are as addicted to him as he is to his affairs.

You will see this as you withdraw. Again, only experience can tell you this.

You will need to go NC with him. Anything should be done through your attorneys or an intermediary. Your healing will be so fast, you won't believe it. Strength and power will flow in, and the strangest thing will happen - the colors in the world will literally change before your eyes. I swear, things will be brighter than before. Watch for this to happen.



SB

You can ask for a civil standby. You may have to check if you have to file an RO to get it but there are options.

Do you have anyone who can mutally oversee the move out?

L.

Didnt want to threadjack - I was wondering if anyone would mind answering a few questions?

I see some similarities of my behavior but feel I am a BS and not sure if W says she is done b/c of my behavior or A?

Schoolbus,
I'm counting on you to be right!!!! I'm so sick of the drama but, I'm scared of the payback when I don't do what he wants me to do. I know that D is the right thing. I can't imagine being able to repair the mess we've made. And, I've contributed to my share of the mess.

I really, really need to go sign this week. I WANT to go sign tomorrow. I know that when I do all h*ll is going to break loose. I don't know why he has to be like that but that is going to happen.

Orchid,
Not sure that I really want to involve anyone any more deeply than what they already are. It's not that I can control him by any means but, I don't want to drag anyone else even farther into this mess.

dg63,
When you say that you see similarities in your behavior do you mean that you act like my H? If yes, STOP IT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I can tell you that this behavior is one of the biggest problems we have. He has literally abused the desire to reconcile out of me.

Someone told me this analogy that they heard someone use and it really sums up the demise of a R. When you first fall in love with someone the love is like a raging bonfire. But, even a raging bondfire can be put out one glass of water at a time. So, every time he cheated, every time he cursed me out, every time he was physically abusive, every time he called me names, every time he threatened suicide, every time he _______________ (fill in the blank), the fire got a little dimmer.

I've had a couple of people tell me that they don't think I love him. They think I'm in love with what we had and who he was, in love with the dream. But, not in love with the man my H is and perhaps always was but was able to cover it up early on.

I really want to get this over with. I feel like I've wasted the last 10 years of my life. I don't want to waste any more but only I can take the final step and I'm having a really hard time.

Prayers, please.

Perhaps I'm stupid, but why do you have to tell him anything?

Drag?!?! You may have people wanting to help you out of this mess. Give them a chance to help. If they are too chicken to help, then go get other support.

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

L.

L2S - In some ways Yes although no A's, Although I believe my W had at least an EA w/ coworker - I see my behaviors as troubling to myself and my W.

I guess what I am wondering is whether her willingness to give us a chance could be truly gone? I was attempting Plan A but still focused as much on our R/M and her suspected EA instead of totally concentrating on my changes.

We have been in limbo since 10/29 and up until I recently destroyed any progress I made by blowing up b/c of her unwillingness to work on things as I thought it was all do the A, But now I truly realize where I erred and do want to do all I can to work on this - I have been seeing an IC, will see a psychiatrist tomorrow, want to enroll in a workshop for men who have used verbal/emotional abuse.

My W says she wants to feel in control but I feel on somelevel she does have control b/c I cannot initiate S or D and I cannot stop her from doing so - W is seeing an IC but today is only the 2nd visit and this IC has told her that we should S for awhile.

I was hoping that we could both continue in IC and possibly see a MC to find common ground to save this R/M as well as our family.

What would it take for you to believe your H of truly wanting to change, W feels we need to get away from one another for awhile but that could cause us to lose house and/or put a bigger strain on things.

I know it will take time for things to improve and right now I have been giving her the space she feels she needs,
I am still taking care of my responsiblities financially and with my children as I am the one who is home in the afternoon after school.

After a couple of blowups a few weeks ago, I contacted my EAP and moved downstairs to give W space and try not to talk to her too much right now - Just fear that it may be too late although still hoping I can show her that things can get better.

Your thoughts as a woman would be greatly appreciated, Dont know if I mentioned it or not and it in no way justifies my actions or behaviors but W has some issues of her own that she needs to work Ie Lying not only to me but others in her life, trust issues (deep seated) not all caused by me but I can see where I pushed things further, lack of close R's -

In the beginning it took me a long time to get close to her and she once said that I had gotten closer than anyone ever did.
Again I probably didnt help things but those things were present from day 1

Thanks for your insight

L2S,

I understand why you have to tell him. I know that if he finds out on his own, he will accuse you of "sneaking" to sign, and will hunt you down. Been there, in a round-about way.

It doesn't matter about the "wasted" years, what is lost is lost. You cannot focus on wasting - you have to focus on what you have learned, the growth you made now, where you are going now.

Regarding this marriage: Think of it as investing money. If you had $100,000 in a fund that you KNEW was losing money, how long would you leave that money there???????

Now, go sign.

And please, don't be home when you tell him. It will make a lot of difference. Be sure, also, that you are aware of maintaining your own version of NC. You need the withdrawal time, because there is an addictive quality to these types of relationships. You will see that as you go through the withdrawal phase. I know that you might find this surprising - but it is true. It will also confuse the he// out of you, because while you are gaining strength and self-confidence, there will be this "pull" toward the dark side (him) and the way things used to be. This is because it is the "known", and will be your fears of the unknown, your own fears of what you feel and fear you can't do, etc.

Lean on your friends. They do want to help. If you had a friend who needed help, you would help, right? So, let your friends BE YOUR FRIENDS. They want to help, but at this point are probably feeling pretty frustrated at your being stuck. Once you sign, their energy will be renewed, because they will feel like they got through to you, and can finally get to helping you on the road to the future.

After you walk out of the lawyer's office, take a look around. I guarantee you that the colors of the world will be brighter than when you walked in. That, L2S, is called "optimism".

Hold on to that feeling. Keep your friends close, and him at a distance.

We are praying for you.

SB

dg63,

come over to a new thread - i want to talk to you

sb

schoolbus - I have my own thread its long but its under
My Story - If you would like I can start a new one?

I have had many people help but I was really trying to stomp out A and work on myself - But let too many R/M talks get in the way of my Plan A.

Many people had tried to tell me things and I either didnt listen well or didnt do all that was needed from the beginning. Right now I am trying to get a womans perspective w/ husbands who have had emotional/verbal issues.

L2

this is really becoming a much more dramatic issue than it has to be...

signing these divorce papers is not any thing with great finality

years down the road none of us know where we will be...

but right now at this moment in your life...
it is the safest and most logical thing you can do...

any thing else is just powerstruggling empty verbage exchange between the two of you that is futile....

your feelings don't have to match your actions...

crap can't you see the irony in that...

if we all acted on feelings...we'd ALL be in multiple affairs.....and other things all because we FELT like it...

who FEEEELS like going to work 100% of the time...
who FEEEELS like scrubbing toilets EVER??

feelings schmeelings....

you are stagnating yourself
you are stagnating in the known.

I could care less about your feelings about signing...
but I sure am [email]he@@[/email] interested in your real safety plan...

have you gotten one
have you planned one..

moved papers
removed weapons...
made contact with accountability friends...
contacted the schools...
told parents of your daughters friends.....

if not DON'T sign....
plan to let ALL family members know etc...

do you have a plan
a real plan...

put your feelings in to a plan...then maybe you'll FEEEL ready to move from this stagnated chaos...

ARK

eh??? of course it is. it's the thing that is most likely to make her husband leave her alone permenantly.

you cant have the cake and eat it too.

either she is signing it to make him go away permenantly, and it will make him go away permanantly.... or there's no point in her signing it in the first place.
(given his specific history of how he responds to divorce)


if she wants "not final', then the clear choice is legal separation.

divorce doesnt' equal permenantly leave each other alone...

but it certainly via the courts defines boundaries...
of which her husband has none...

uhhh lets see...lifes2 husband divorced his first wife..THEN pursued her right in to an affair...

doesn't seem like permenant left aloneness to me...

divorce papers....the tiniest of first steps in the whole process...
will give life2 boundaries and protection...those of which her husband has proven over and over and over incapable of enforcing or even acting like a
GROWN MAN

she is signing for LEGAL protection
court ordered interactions..

prayfully she will obtain supervised visits only...for the children....

thousands get the divorce ball rollng ...and do the work needed....
every day....
to reconcile...

techie you do realize her husband suffers from delusions...
his brain has him convinced she is the adulterer when she is not...

you do realize the paranoia delusions he suffers from

the transferance of his actions on to others...

you get that don't you..
he is NOT rational....

she needs the fullest protection she can get...

you want powerstruggle piddling paper work legal seperation vs divorce go for it..

all I care is she takes step to ENSURE her safety....with legal documentation of reasons etc...

and QUITS interacting with him

life2 do you have plan...
do NOT sign till you have a full PLAN in motion...

ARK

yes i do think he does...

I dont remember reading where he claimed he was not an adulterer. eve further, I think he has actually admitted to having sex with at least one other woman while married.
But I could be misremembering.


[interesting point about the 1st wife. but he's not looking to be "back with her". he's just using her for sex, far as I can understand it]

i agree she needs protection. the primary issue is what is going to be "enough" protection.

I have an awesome support system in my family.

Thank God, literally, I have a good job - good income.

I have no bills. Our finances are now totally separate except one credit card in our names until D is done. He has already signed so all I have to do is go sign and it's over except for the 30 day wait.

My H and I both have "issues". I contributed my share to the demise of our M. But, I can say that I never crossed the line of infidelity. I've made some really poor choices in my life. That isn't one of them.

H is going out of town tomorrow for 6 days; won a trip. I could have gone but, didn't have any desire to. I hope I can garner the courage to go sign on Monday. I wanted to sign today but didn't. I really wish I could get my stuff out of the house while he's gone but between his son, brother and neighbor, I would never make it. And, it would make him angry. I fear his anger to the extent that I will leave my stuff there and hope I can get it out after I tell him I've filed.

I've asked that I be allowed in the house while he's gone to work on company paperwork/taxes, etc. Not sure he's going to allow that b/c he said he doesn't trust me. I'm not going to take anything that isn't mine. But, we'll see what happens.

My H left Sat for his trip out of town.

I haven't missed him. I haven't missed the way my heart pounds on Sunday when I see that it's him calling. We had a baby shower for a friend Fri night. Sat night had a surprise party for my sister. Lots of friends/family there. Did not miss my H. I would have been afraid someone would have said or done something wrong and would have mentioned something I might have said and I would have caught h*ll on the way home.

Went to church yesterday w/o fear that he would call and/or show up.

Had a great weekend. Fast forward to today. He called and asked how the business was going and if anyone needed anything. Then, next question............ Did you go to church? Yes was my answer.

He got mad. Said I should sign the papers while he's gone. Don't go in the house. Leave all the company paperwork alone. Said he took his cousin w/him on the trip to appease me but should have taken a woman. Said he has been stupid. Said that I went to church and didn't consider his feelings.

Said he wants it over. He loves me but will not put up w/this any longer.

I have every intention of going today to sign. I will do it at lunch or on the way to get my daughter. But, whichever, the papers will be signed before the sun goes down today.

This will start WW3 between me and H. So, need your prayers.

BTW, I've been reading a very good book last few days.

The Confident Woman by Joyce Meyer.

Great book so far.

Well. I did it. The papers are signed.

I don't think it has sunk in yet. I'm doing fine. Haven't cried yet. I also took a huge step and put a contract on a house. Should find out this evening if the seller accepted mine or another offer being presented at the same time.

Now it's all up to God. I just want to let go and leave it all to Him. I'm not looking forward to my H coming home Thursday. I know it's right but, talking to him is going to hurt. He will no longer be my H. He will immediately start dating. In a few short weeks he will be in love again. Hopefully, in a few short weeks I will be in my own home and moving on with my life, just me and my D.

Just keep us in your prayers. And, thanks to all for hanging in there with me. I wish the results could have been different but, the abuse did me in.

watch your back

prayers for you