I don't currently know where he is. I don't exactly recall the license plate number.

I'm angry w/him that he would put so much stress on me by threatening suicide. I don't really THINK he will do anything. Neither does anyone else. But, perhaps that's the way it is with most people who do attempt it.

He washed and ironed clothes. He made arrangements to take care of things in his absence. Would a person determined to end their life worry about that kind of stuff or would they just do it?

I don't understand this man I am married to. I just don't get him on so many levels. If he loves me as much as he says he does, how could he put this kind of burden on me and, how could he even contemplate hurting me in this fashion?

This is just a sicker form of the emotional abuse he has been subjecting me to for years. And he thinks this will make me ask the attorney to stop the process?

Want to watch me pull a muscle being "nice"?

OK here goes [take note of tremendous personal discomfort and be honored <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />]


Your Xhusband will do whatever he is going to do.

It has been hours since you should have called the police and removed yourself from the ~drama~ and the equation.

He is just going to have to deal with his own problems.

OK? [how did I do?]

your eye is twitching

deep breath. your ex is in need of some serious counseling. Don't worry yourself as to what suicidal people do or do not do.
One thing I will tell you as a former cop.... lock your doors, pay attention to your surroundings, etc. I worry more for you than I do for him. Just be careful and you will be fine and do NOT meet him or allow him to come see you. Let him know the only place you will be willing to talk to him is in a hospital ER with the police and doctors present. I have a good friend of mine whose ex fiance shot himself in the head in front of her after they got together for a "talk." Please make certain that you are not guilted into that... she wasn't but could have easily been killed herself. Please be careful... your job right now is to protect you.
If he contacts you again, call the police again. If he pulls this [email]cr@p[/email] any more... have your phone number changed to an unlisted number. Make yourself unavailable for abuse!
Sorry if I alarmed you in anyway.... I just want you to be careful.
MEDC

life2..
record the calls
call the police

call his family and report..report report...
but YOU stay safe...

mkevery's post is the best advice I have heard...

my concern is with you..

and why waste energy speaking of things like he says he loves me...

love is none of this..
love does not have multiple affairs...then blame you..

he wants this ball to stop rolling..

bettter check him self in to a hospital for serious inpatient tx then six months of group...
oooh yeah he doesn't love you THAT much to do what needs done so he is healthy...and no longer hurting...

he gets too much attention from being who he is...rather than a healthy MAN>..

be safe please
you are in my prayers...

ARK

Thank you all. I haven't heard from him anymore since around 8pm last night.

His family couldn't care less so calling them is useless. Their response would probably be to all congregate at the house and see what they want!!! Not joking (:<). He grew up in an incredibly dsyfunctional family; they still are.

I called his best friend Thursday night. He blew me off as well and called the neighbor to check on him. That's b/c they are listening to my H and think I'm nuts or a troublemaker.

I do not plan to stop the D.

I agree that he needs help. So do I for allowing so much crap in my life for so long.

Thanks for the advice and prayers. You all have helped me more than you will ever know.

Will update next week....... I'm going out of town for work today and will not return until late tomorrow night.

Bring out the 2 x 4s........................

It's always two steps forward and four steps backward I'm afraid.

I talked to him multiple times over the weekend. He was crying and apologetic, saying life was not living without me. Said he was planning to commit suicide. He has everything in place. He can make everything up to me by giving me money which I translate as life insurance money.

He is asking me to put the divorce on hold so we can work on things. I told him the D won't be final for about three weeks but he said that's not enough time for anything.

I made him mad by not agreeing to put the D on hold.

I believe I have made the right decision but, there's still that little cloud of doubt.

husband..
I don't want the money
I want you in inpatient counseling for your issues...now
then intense out patient for a minimal of 3 months...

then you and I can see where we at period...

send a plan B letter with those stipulations

next time he threatens suicide hang up and call the police

PERIOD>......

that's what you do each and every time....

there is NOTHING to discuss
NO GOOD comes out of any your converations EVER...

ARK

L2S, your STBXH washed and ironed his clothes because he plans on wearing htem.

I think a WOMAN might be more inclined to do all the laundry and clean the house spotless before offing herself...but only because she doesn't want to leave work for her family to do, or so that people won't talk about what a lousy housekeeper she was...but, generally, I think that when a person is seriously in a state to commit suicide, the depression is too great to take care of other stuff. Your H probably could care less if his family has to clean up his messes after he's gone, and he strikes me as a person who really doesn't care what other people say, so...yeah, I repeat, your H ironed his clothes 'cuz he's planning on wearing them.

Your H is just p!ssed off because you are getting out from under his control. He knows you have a tender and good heart, so he lays the guilt trips on you.

Don't take those guilt trips! They're a lousy way to spend a vacation...which I kinda think that you might feel as if your life is a little bit like a vacation, when you stop having contact with him.

Think about how nice it was a couple of weeks ago, when you didn't have contact with him for a couple of days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L2S --

A person who is going to kill themselves does not announce it. They do it.

A person who announces it is using it for attention or manipulation.

You simply MUST stop talking to him.
Getting divorced does not mean he is prevented from working on the things he needs to do. Write him a Plan B letter telling him that. He can do (insert list here) and then you can discuss reconcilliation.

But this man has a LOT of work to do. He is not even close to being marriage-material. But gladly give him a list of tasks (like COUNSELING!) and wish him luck. Let him know you'll consider it when he's met your criteria and is respecting your boundries.

In the meantime, move on. Maybe he'll surprise us all and get to work on himself!

I basically told him that we both have issues that must be worked on individually before we can even think of working on the M.

His response is that once the D is final, there's no going back for him.

I guess that's his choice. It hurts and will for a long time I'm sure but, if he is so in love w/me that he can't bear the thought of living if I'm not in his life, why would he not be willing to work on himself if there's a chance we could reconcile?

The drama <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Mine called me from a hotel less than a mile from my office WHILE the OW was in the room with him. I had just left work and was on the freeway headed home. The call I got said he 'was going to end it'. Well he ddin't explain 'end it' and I was driving. His brother had commited suicide years ago and he has at least 2 sisters who are bi-polar and other psyco cases in his family (MIL included). He sounded distraught so I dialed 911. Dispatch located his phone and sent out the local police. I was told by 2 officers I did the correct thing. About 4 officers went to MOTEL6 and the OW got scared and headed over the hill back to her house. LOL!! I got a nasty call from her....for ruining her night.... seems he 'end it' could have meant 'end it' with her. At least that's the spin on the story I heard later. While it was going down, the police called and asked if he had drugs or weapons on him. I said not to my knowledge but since he has been having an affair, I am not sure what kind of people he has been hanging out with. I also told the police this is very out of character and my family and I were scared. Just as a precaution, the police made their presence known at the Motel. I wonder if it made the news.....don't think so. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

My point is, if he is threatening, call 911. He may get angry but remember it is his words you are using. The police said they do get these calls and when they find the person, it becomes their problem. That c/b enough to scare him straight.

Who knows?!??! Just be safe and don't be afraid to call fof help. Do NOT let him intimidate you.

Yes, you can share my story with him. If you want to chat or he wants to talk to my H, let me know.

It's my day off and I have errands to do today, but a few on the board have my cell. Put out the request and they can call me or I can change back this afternoon.

take care,
L.

Well.................

He is still telling me that he will do anything. I've told him about getting IC for anger management and the physical/emotional abuse and manipulation via threats of suicide.

His response................. stop the D.

I can't see doing that w/no assurance that anything will change. I told him that he needs counseling whether we repair M or not.

I miss the man I married in the beginning but, I have to be honest in saying that there was always turmoil in our M, right from the beginning. I don't like his kids and he is constantly on my D's back about something. He's told me that she will pay for what he perceives I did wrong w/his kids.

Sometimes I think I try to justify leaving.

Other times, I think I try to see some hope that things could work.

For me I really worry about making a bad choice. Someone who has known him forever believes that he will change only to the extent it takes to get me back home. In six months he will revert to the same person I know now.

I don't know. It's like I want to want it but, I really don't want it badly enough to make the changes and concessions I would have to make to make it work. Does that make sense? It's not the hard work that would be required but, I lost so much of myself and I put aside so much of what I wanted in order to appease him.

In addition to that, my D is adamant..... I can go back if I want to but.........she will stay right where she is. She does not like him or respect him. I can't lose my D for him.

Life really sucks sometimes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

do you see your own comments?

He's TELLING you he'll do anything...he's actually DOING nothing.

Words. Big deal.
Its ACTIONS that count.

And he hasn't done a single thing to SHOW you anything.

Stop getting dragged into his drama. Stop interacting.
Until he has met every single one of your PLAN B conditions.

"I can't see doing that w/no assurance that anything will change."

Live life in order, L2S...there are no assurances anymore. There is doing and not doing.

Please listen to Lexxy so you can order yourself...re-seat yourself in reality.

You are not negotiating with him...we do that with partners...not WS's.

You state what you require...six months in weekly IC therapy, with monthly MC sessions together...he chooses to do so or not...no trade offs. This is the way back only.

State truth, L2S "If you choose to do this, we may save our marriage. If you choose not to do this, the divorce will continue. I hear you believe you won't turn back if the divorce goes through. I hear you want me to stop the divorce and trust you will follow through."

Acknowledge, repeat and do not argue. Your way is valid. It's generous, loving and honest. Respect he chooses. No SD in that...here's what you are choosing. Acknowledge what he is choosing.

Like all the smart people on your thread have said...answer his suicide threats with respect...because you steep yourself in it..."I hear you are saying you are going to kill yourself, is that correct?" Then hang up and call 911. As an act of RESPECT.

You want a respectful, loving, accountable life? Live it, L2S. Totally up to you.

You will NOT lose your daughter...she chooses to continue to have a relationship with you or not. Period. She chooses. You choose. How much you grow in the meantime...what you do to clean up your blurry lines, your reactivity...will go a long way in what you choose then versus now...if your goal is clarity, not happiness. So you can make clear, respectful, aware choices.

LA

So not true. The vast majority of suicides talk about it before hand.

I would ask that you go back and re read my post about your safety. Having these discussions with your H is putting you both at increased risk. Please heed my words... I may not be an expert on MB'ing but I have been trained and have much experience with suicides. Please do what you can to protect yourself and to make the proper authorities aware of his actions. Since you are still legally married, you can sign 302 commit papers. Call a suicide prevention number or a local emergency room... or the police for direction. You absolutely need to get yourself out of this dangerous loop.

Update:

Pretty quiet week. My mom is in the hospital from surgery so there's been minimal contact w/my H.

He still maintains (by phone, VM and TM)that he is willing to do ANYTHING necessary to make our M work. He will write NC letters, he will get counseling, he will ..............

But, I must put D on hold.

I believe that everyone reaches a point where there's no going back. A point where so much has happened that it is impossible to repair it. That's pretty much how I feel. He continues to lie about things related to the OW. He has no idea that I know the extent of the R w/her b/c of his cousin. He has no idea that his cousin is the one who told me about what was going on. I do believe that R is over for whatever reason. Of course he tells me that he could resume the R w/her at any point. That's confidence <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and that gives me great doubt <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />.

And...........

what confidence or assurance do I have that he wouldn't go back or that the next time things aren't so great between us that he wouldn't have another A? In our business he has a continual supply of new women. That's where the others came from.

Anyway, I continue to be disappointed that my DD and I didn't get the cottage. We're continuing to look and I do believe that God has something else in store. But, I have to admit, I believe perhaps that that was the house He had for us but I wouldn't get off my behind and take care of the D paperwork. I should have signed 12/27 but just kept putting it off. I know that God doesn't close or allow a door to close that he doesn't open another. I do thank Him for the house He has for us in the future. I pray that I will be better in tune w/His will when that time comes.

I am not angry at God. He gave me free will and I'm the one that kept ignoring signs. I allowed fear to immobilize me. Now, I've got to push on regardless of the fear I feel.

Anyway, continued prayers are very much appreciated.

hang tough
don't fall for his con job

he's a terrible risk for ANY woman
not just you

Pep

if I may....

He still maintains he still tries to control you (by phone, VM and TM) but not by corrective actions that would show you that he is willing to do but has not started yet ANYTHING necessary to make our M work. He will write but has not written NC letters if he needs more than one letter he's a loose cannon to begin with, he will get but has not gotten counseling, he will blah blah blah ... he will talk and talk and talk with no follow through..............

But, I must put D on hold. in other words
he will not become a better man until you return to being under his control .... do not believe this horsechit for one second

I agree with Pep 100%!