OK, guys, I'm about to ruin my record. This is the first time I've started to feel a little anger.<P>Our d had a special audition for her school's choral group when she registered for the new school in August thanks to a couple of really helpful people. Even though all spots were filled, she made the group and sings 1st soprano. They have a really good rep and make about 50 public appearances each year. She was/is SOOOOOO excited. The first appearance is this weekend - Friday night at a festival that is attented by 100's of 1000's of people during the course of the weekend. <P> H has been saying for 3 weeks that he was coming. While he was here Saturday, I asked him, very respectfully, not to bring anyone with him, d and I aren't ready for that at this time. He said "Really?" "Oh, OK." We talked about it, he understood. No Problem.<P>Tonight he called to talk a minute - don't get excited, needed me to look for something for him. Anyway, I started telling him how excited she was and reminded him of the time. Now, all of a sudden, it's, "well, you know, that's gonna be pretty tight for me to get there in time after work and all. I may not be able to make it." (He gets off at 4:00 and is only an hour away - it doesn't start until 6:30)<P>"But she's so excited, H. She's been walking around the house singing all week and looking forward to your hearing her. It's her very first public appearance singing. Couldn't you take off just 1/2 hour early? It would mean so much to her." (and that's the truth - she's THRILLED he's coming!)<P>"Oh, I really wanted to be there. I don't know if I can do it or not. Damnit!"<P>Well, we know what happened. Everything was cool while Miss Sweetie thought she could come and now, since she no longer owns a car and he has to drive FOREVER to pick up her baby and take her home, and then LEAVE her home alone on a Friday night, she's unhappy. <P>I am......more than slightly annoyed.<P>This little you-know-what has interfered in EVERYTHING. And we know that my nice strong macho H seems to have lost ALL semblance of a backbone since she came along. BUT....this is setting a wonderful young girl up for yet another disappointment and I don't feel I can just let it go without (respectfully, of course!!!!!!!!!) EXPRESSING MY DISPLEASURE.<P>So, once I stop shaking and thinking up torture tactics, is there any way to handle this when he calls back (about 1/2 hour) and STILL maintain my wonderfully supportive Plan A. <P>Sorry, guys, I believe in Plan A. I'm just irritated beyond belief.<P>HELP<P>Lori

Dear Lori--<P>This is to let you know I'm reading your posts, and praying for you. I'm keeping up with your sitch.<P>Since you're still strongly attached to a non-lovebusting Plan A, I zip my lip, wishing you the best of wishes and luck in handling Friday night. (you can already guess some of the things *I'd* suggest, lol, maybe some late night we'll play suggestions, just for fun)<P>Thank you for your responses on H's recent post. We are doing a little better, and are back into counseling next week. We need it! Love is strong and while we take our bitter medicine by arguing terribly, we're still stuck like glue.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Oh, Lucks, I'm glad to hear from you. Sure you don't have any "nice" things to do???? I can think of plenty of lovebusters for this one all on my own.... or do some occasions call for lovebusters??<P>Lemme at her, lemme at her!<P>OK, I'll be good - for a while.<P>Glad you guys are doing good. I keep up w/ you too!<P>Lori

My advice for you is to drop it at this point. You cannot persuade him to be a good parent. It's something that must come from him. If you push this, it will be perceived as nagging, attempting to inflict guilt, and controlling, which are lovebusters, and will have the doubly negative effect of making SURE he doesn't come.<P>Here's the bigger issue and a tough one for me too. You are not responsible for his relationship with his daughter, he is. If you try to intervene to help or cover-up, you become an enabler (and are in fact controlling). All you should do is provide him the opportunity to participate by informing him of these kinds of things. After that, it's on him. He has the right to choose to be a bad parent and also to suffer the consequences of that behavior. You cannot control his behavior in this regard. What you can do, however, is be the best possible parent and anchor of stability for your child.<P>I really struggle with this too. Our interests are pure - we want the best for our children. But we are not responsible for the relationship between them. Attempts to influence or shield will only backfire. Our husbands will either get their acts together and become decent parents of their own initiative, or they will seriously erode the relationship with the children. There's nothing we can do about it except be there to support the child.<P>You're a wonderful and loving parent for trying to help your daughter with this problem.

lostva,<BR>I don't have any suggestions that don't involve lovebusters either. What if your daughter talked to him, or don't you want her to know that he is thinking of not coming?<P>My H has completely lost his backbone, too. I don't really think it was his idea to stop staying here on the weekends, to stop visiting them in the evenings, to ask if he could come to their birthday party and then shortly before the party change his mind and decide to celebrate birthdays separately, to tell me he couldn't get off of work to take care of the kids so I could go to our daughter's Parents' Weekend, when I had told him about it months in advance. I don't understand this - when we were first dating, he didn't necessarily do whatever I wanted.<P>I will never, ever understand how someone can care for an OP more than for their children. No amount of insanity or fantasy can explain that.<P>Distressed,<BR>I don't think anybody has the "right" to choose to be a bad parent, anymore than they have the "right" to choose to be a murderer or a thief. While perhaps we can't stop them from being a bad parent, I have found that if I tell my H about the kids responses to his actions, he is slightly less likely to do something hurtful. When I told him that our daughter thought he was not coming, he decided that it was because he had been coming late. Yes, he felt guilty, but he started calling much more regularly if he was going to be late, and that was much better for the kids. Unfortunately it is the kids who suffer the consequences of their being a bad parent much more so than the parent.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited October 05, 1999).]

Ooookayyyy, I'm puttin' mah "nice" hat on. No lovebusters...er...uh....arghhhh....<P>1. Leave it alone as far as H is concerned. Tell d as lightly and lovingly as possible that there's a chance dad won't be there--you can't answer the why, it's up to dad to explain when he will--BUT tickle, tickle, you adore her, you WILL be there, how WONDERFUL this performance will be, what WILL she wear, blah, blah. Invite the whole rest of the family (I'm sure you already have).<P>2. Tough one. Ease up on not including Sweetie. At least that way, dad will be there. <~~not my fave.<P>3. I'm STILL rootin' for that impromptu trip to Sweetie's. Go see both of them. Breeze in with the greatest acting job of your life, hi-hi! Just wanted to re-remind about the performance Friday night...oh, are you coming too? That might be a bit much for d to handle right now, I'm SURE you understand being a mom yourself. We won't take much of H's time and then we'll have him right back here, quicker than you can yodel or...whatever it is that you can do.... I mean, really...you being so young yourself, we wouldn't want to confuse d at this time, might she be getting a step-mother or...a sibling...well look at the time, I DO hope all is well with you both, let me know if you need anything....whoosh, out the door you go with rose petals floating down in your wake.<P>4. Have d call him with a personal invitation. <P>5. Make his mother give him H*** over it. YOU would not be lovebusting.<P>Did I do good? Huh? Huh? Except a bit of zigzagging on that #3.

I'm not sure this is best way for me to respond.<P>My d had a recital too (back in June)...<BR>I also asked by W no to bring OM...<P>She did anyway... (first time I met him!)<BR>It was a terrible scene at the end!<BR>So many people around seeing me & W & OM fight over where kids were to go...<P>Worst lovebusting I had ever done.<BR>(I knew nothing about MB back then)<P>Probably one of the worst days of my life.<P>Don't handle it like I did...<P>Use your instincts and common sense.<P>I don't know if you should ask OW to not come... It was just very bad for me.<P>I hope and pray your's goes much better!<P>Jim

You are not responsible for his relationship with his daughter!! <P>This is so, so hard, because you want to protect her from any pain and disappointment. But ultimately you cannot protect her, because you cannot control him. <P>I suggest you just drop it. Let him live with his guilty conscience. If you make yourself the bad guy, he never has to face himself.

Hi Lostva -<P>Don't you hate this waffling crap!!!<BR>It's like they have no brain of their own - how come they couldn't let us lead them around like that!!!<P>Lucks - you're cracking me up!!!! LOL!!<P>I Love #5 and I would want to be the one to videotape #3!!!!!<P>Let us know what you decided - being that you would have talked to him again (if he called back) by the time you read this.....<P>I really think that the inlaws are you best choice so you don't lovebust...he can't divorce his Mom!!!<P>Hugs and Strength,<P>Sheba

lostva,<P>Early December (pre-disclosure), I bought tickets for my Wife & daughters to see N-Sync at the end of April. She was always telling the kids how exciting it would be to go it with them. After she left (mid Feb) she asked me if it would be okay to still take them. I said sure. She kept telling them every week, ”I’ll be back to take you to the concert. It’ll be great!” The night before the concert she called and said she was in, “an accident. Honest! I have a paper from the Dr. X-rays and all!”<P>Never did see a claim from the insurance company. They had no record of ANYTHING being filed.<P>Anyway, I had to tell the kids she wasn’t coming home. I didn’t apologize for her, just told them what she told me. I took them instead & they loved it.<P>For five months, almost every week, she PROMISED them she would take them. How’s that for a loving mother?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Thanks so much guys for all the great advice - would've been a heck of a lot easier if everyone agreed!!! Oh well, that's what I love about this board!<P>Turns out the stinker never called back to see if I found what he needed anyway. I think he was SCARED!! OR....see (and some of you will appreciate this) MIL called me before I ever posted and I was HOT! So was SHE! She already PLANNED to call him. So, he may be critically injured at this point and unable to use his fingers to dial. <P>Distressed - thanks for the wise advice. And, you know, I've been a good little Plan A-er all along (well, pretty good), but I don't know that I would be able to let this one go. He's been getting closer and closer to D over the last few weeks and getting over here to see her or calling us more and more often. This was a big deal to her. All I wound up saying was what I said in the first conversation - w/ MIL's help, maybe that was enough. If not, I'll know when he calls Thursday. That'll give me a couple of days to cool down or heat up!!<P>Nellie1 - You've shown a lot of strength all this time. You know, one thing you said REALLY has bothered me all through this thing: during courtship or marriage, NEVER would this man jump when I said jump (If I ever felt that way). I couldn't imagine. Yet this little twit has him by strings!!! Go figure.<P><BR>Lucks - I knew you could do it if you tried REALLY hard!!! Let's see.<P>1. Probably what'll happen, once I cool down. IF I cool down.<P>2. FORGET IT!!!! OK, a little strong there. How can I put it? No way on this earth. Oh, still not very nice, but nicer than my first impulse........LOL You got the idea anyway. <P>3. This is sounding better and better!!! It cracks me up whenever you bring it up. But, look, it's only been a few weeks and I'm nuts already. Give me a little while longer and you'll be consoling me after my trip to Sweetie's house!!!<P>4. She talked to him the last couple of weekends when he stopped by. I'm not giving her the # to call Sweetie's either. Not yet.<P>5. Did it!!!! Didn't set out to do it, but did it. She called right after he did, before I even posted and I was HOT. She was calling him at 8:00. Haven't heard back from her. That COULD be why I haven't heard back from him either!!<P>You did REAL good. I'm so proud!<P>Jim -I'm sorry, BUT (and this may not be a good Plan A-er at all!) I will NOT accept her at family functions or events. If he will not come unless she can, he can stay away. Period. He may have something going on. Fine. But d and I have to live without him, we have to feel all the things we are feeling, we have to hurt and feel abandoned and try to rebuild on very little money and shakey confidence. We do not have to accept HER presence in our lives, right in our faces and I will not. He lives with her, drives her to work, takes her out. He can tear himself away every now and then or he can stay home. Heck, she doesn't come w/ him when he comes to see us, she's not coming to ruin my d's life. She's not a baby, she's 15 and Sweetie's presence WOULD affect her. I'm afraid I'd lovebust something terrible!!!!<P>Animac - Don't know. You're right. But I don't know if I can do it. I'm still thinking.<P>Sheba - Absolutely! Maybe I need to change my tactics if he ever comes home. Seems to prefer ........Oh, never mind. But YOU know what I'm thinking! LOL And no, I haven't calmed down much since last night. <P>I was partial to Luck's #5, too. And I tell you what...if you're not available to videotape when I get fed up enough for #3, I'll be CERTAIN to send you a copy of the tape!!! <P>Chris - you constantly amaze me. I certainly hope that I can be half as patient and loving as you have been through all this. I'm trying, but sometimes it's starting to get to me.

Lostva<P>This is not between you and your husband this is between him and your daughter. Make sure you understand the roadblocks, then try to remove them. <P>#1 Are you sure he is not coming because of OW? Make sure he understands he is needed by your daughter. Your not asking for you, but for her. <P>#2 How does your daughter feel about OW coming? If she wants your h to come no matter what you have to suck it up.<P>These are not lovebusters since you have removed your wants from the equation. By all means enlist your MIL's help. If he has to come with OW have a plan on how you will deal with it. <P>One last thought do you have anyone who could pick up "Sweetie" snd take her home". I hope the recital is a wonderful night for your daughter.<P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn

Awoken and everybody. Good points. OK, roadblocks have been removed. MIL talked w/ him last night and this morning. Since he's been letting Sweetie drive my car anyway (I don't even want the damned thing back), she suggested he give it to her for the day, Pop will pick him up from work, take him to the bank and their house to shower and change. BIL is heading this way anyway and he will bring him to the fairgrounds and drop him off. If the Volvo isn't ready yet, b/n all of us, we'll find a way to get him back.<P>He was SOOOO excited, MIL says. "That'll work! Now I can go!" Hugs to everyone all around and tons of thankyou's.<P>NOW - if he follows through, great. If he doesn't, it will be because of Sweetie. BTW, d didn't even want to know when I finally told her he was dating someone. In fact, she said "Then I never want to see him again.". She's since calmed down, but she will not acknowledge that he is dating, or that anyone else exists. She would not want her there. She'd do without him first.<P>Lori

I have to agree with Animac and say you are NOT responsible for his behaviour and we don't always get what we want. Be as supportive for your d as you can and remember that whatever his actions she sees they are his and you can't control him. To do anything otherwise would be lovebusting. If you let OW hold her tempertantrum and turn this into something else then I wouldn't get envolved. He might see that if he misses something this important in his daughters life because of her that maybe he should re-think this relationship. But I wouldn't make him choose. It has to be his choice. I would also make it VERY clear to your D that you have told Dad all the info and if he doesn't make it that it's his fault, not yours and you did everything within your power to make this a good event. Chances are she won't be as hurt as you might if he doesn't show. The idea is to not lovebust and let him handle her dissappointment if he doesn't come. He has to know how she feels. God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Lostva -<P>YAY!!!!!<P>You are so lucky to have such a family for inlaws!!!! You better give them all a big hug and kiss!!!! OH heck, give 'em one for me, too!!!<P>I only wish that my MIL/FIL gave a hoot about anyone but themselves.......<P>So, since that crisis is solved, what is the deal with the PI looking into things? Have you heard anything yet?<P>I thought Sweetie was out (or almost out) of the picture....what's up with that?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba