It's really difficult to reconcile the various perspectives I have - but to incorporate the perspective of the person that must be "wrong" into the mix is the biggest test of compassion, in my opinion. For example, it's very easy to see my W re-writing history, and write it off as just that. But it's also clear that she IS recognizing that she wasn't happy in the past. It's always easier to blame someone else for this, and as we all know, the easy thing usually isn't the right thing. So I need to accept also that our marriage was far from perfect - but I am also right in saying that our marriage was normal, in that we have problems like everyone else. I think the biggest problem was in the lack of self of my W, which is her fish to fry, but I should have been more aware of where she was with regard to this, and helped her acheive her goals by having her be accountable to me. And vice-versa.

The whole "finding herself" thing is alive and well with my W as well. She has been working at this - and in fact I think that's a lot of what the affair is about. I think she's trying to redefine herself and because I've seen her in a state that she's ashamed of, she feels she can't be different because I'll know better. It doesn't make a difference that I would love to see her reaching her potential, becoming the person she wants to be.

Well, You ARE a lucky man...your wife wants to change...my FWH is perfectly happy with himself the way he is last I heard...of course, he was still W at the time he said it...

I'm hoping that the remaining glass will get picked up at my house...LMAO...along with all the paper...LMao

Lucky, yes, but not for the reason you noted.

She wants change. She doesn't want to change - or doesn't recognize this yet. It's human nature not to want to change though, isn't it? She is changing - we are changing. She's slowly but surely realizing that the only way her life will change is if she changes herself.

She's not very happy with herself - she's down on herself all the time and she knows it. Nothing like this affair (with my blood relative) to give her more reason to do so - giving her that much more reason to escape her stress and pain. And her chosen escape is something that continues to contribute to the baggage she's trying to escape from. And around and around we go, again and again. . .

Do you also feel that your WS sometimes wants to discard you along with her old self?, seeing as you were such an intricate part of her defeating cycle of a life. when my WS looks at me, I believe she sees weakness in herself, maybe because I always allowed her to be "weak". and now that she no longer desires to be the person she was, she no longer wants, needs or in any way wants to be around the person that allowed her to be such a shell. It is too difficult to come back and redefine herself with me,

I feel irremoveably attatched to the person she once was. and feel that along with the destructive, unhealthy attitudes she had about life, she also wants to rid herself of me.

I know everything about her. It is OH, so easy to just start a new life and be who she wants. no undoing the mistakes, no rewriting the story of your M, no repenting for the A and the hurt and devastation she caused. Just a new beginning. with the "Love of her Life" boy is she hoodwinked.

Yes. I think she assigns blame for her personal problems onto me, and believes that by tossing me she'll rid herself of the parts of herself she detests. I don't think she's able to accept herself as she is and grow to be better. I think she's stuck in a downward spiral hating herself and her life and giving herself this romantic, idealistic view of what life would be like without me and without her problems. She said very early on in her affair that she had to seriously work on herself in order to have a successful relationship with him, yet I think one of the biggest appeals of this guy is his acceptance of who she is right now. It's ironic because I have always accepted her for who she is, but now that she's being so destructive, I can't help but to need her to change in order to have a very positive view of her.

I have told her that I support her desire to change herself and her life. Her response is "those are just words". My response is "Yes, you have my word that I'll support you - tell me what you'd like me to do." She doesn't have a response, yet I'm to blame for not having done something to support her desire to change! We've brought this up in therapy too, and the therapist has told her to ask for what she wants. Clearly there's an issue with communicating her needs and wants - but in her eyes, it's a problem with me "knowing" or perceiving.

Maybe the problem is that they (our WS's) don't actually KNOW what it is they need, want or have to do TO change. they simply know that the status quo is not working. My WS is so confused, the only thing she is sure of is that we need space. and I am starting to agree with her. it is too difficult to give that space while faced with seeing each other every day. even though I have changed many of my smothering behaviors, its not enough. I am still there tending to things, though my WS has definately noticed the changes.

A key element of the whole "finding yourself" process in my WS is that it is a neccessity for her to accomplish this change without my help. the type of support she requires now from me is hands off, so to speak. maybe she wants to prove to herself that she doesn't need me, but someday will realize she does want to be with me out of choice and not the fear that no one else can take care of her like I do. she needs to know that she is capable of supporting herself through lifes changes and once that clarity comes, any relationship she enters into will be healthier.

I think we both need the space to find ourselves. I need to know that I will survive and even flourish even if WS doesn't need me. I had been so consumed by her needs, I was distracted from my own pursuit of happiness. there are many sacrifices I have made on account of my WS's disorder. Even though I wouldn't change what I did, I realize the motivation behind my actions was not always pure. I was feeding off the fullfillment of someone needing me so much, it got to be like a drug. I felt so good when I was rescuing her. and now, it feels like I am in withdrawal, from my codependent behavior. We both have so much to work on personally, its hard to see the future. I know we still love each other, but we lost ourselves along the way. now we each have to travel a different path, and pray that they will cross again. I have faith. so I am letting go of what is no longer, actually never was under my control. that is painful, but empowering.

You hit on something interesting - and it's part of a question I keep asking myself about the "co" part of codependancy. I could never figure out what I was depending on my W for (aside from what I feel is normal, healthy inter-dependance). You bring up the idea of needing to be needed. I'm not sure that I fit into that position too well, because I've always been happy to accomodate my W and do things for her, but I've also felt fine not doing things, and I never really set her up to be in a position to need me. I welcome her independance - honestly and sincerely.

So what is it that I'm getting out of the relationship as it is that's unhealthy? I'm not sure yet - especially since I'm not really getting anything at all except a really heavy dose of self analysis right now.

One of the issues that keeps coming up is that I should know things that I don't. I should see the world a certain way and I don't. I should know the right way to do something, and I don't. This is all from my W's perspective, because I don't think in this absolutistic way. Well, I admit that I can be somewhat scatter brained and may not remember things off hand, but I own this and directly ask W about things and get berated for not knowing. She always points out that I should know this and how defective I am for not. I know this isn't true and is her projection, but I still never get an answer. She often will clam up and stand her ground that I should know and if I think about it I should be able to figure it out. So then, when I don't ask her and just do what I think needs to be done, I'm wrong for not asking. I communicate directly and I'm wrong for not knowing - I assume and I'm wrong for not asking! Moreover, it seems there's a real issue of control and power at play here - because a part of the clamming up and not answering my questions comes down to W not wanting to do things my way. "It always has to be your way" she says, and when I explain that I am happy to do things differently than I suggest, but need more input from her she says that that is me trying to get my way.

What I think a lot of this comes down to is having different senses of what right and wrong is in different situations. If I rely on what I think is appropriate, then I'm wrong, so to be right I need to do what W thinks is right (which I don't always agree with and often try and discuss and negotiate this - to no avail), which requires my asking her opinion. This, to her, is something I should just know. I don't, that's why I ask - but the answer is always that there's something wrong with me that I don't. It's projection, because she's always thinking there's something wrong with her, and she doesn't accept this in herself - but I don't know how to respond to this because there's never any understanding from her.

So what am I doing wrong? How can I put my issues on the shelf and listen better to what she is trying to say? I know she's frustrated and overwhelmed, but even she has to know that what she's asking is unreasonable. I don't point this out because I don't want to criticize her (and this in an of itself perpetuates a harmful cycle of acting out of fear), but I try and figure out alternative ways of viewing the situation, compromises, etc. To no avail. What I'm doing isn't working, so I know I need to change what I'm doing. The other part of this is that it's functional for her to keep finding fault in our communication because it justifies ending the marriage and the affair - and it allows her to maintain her misery (also functional for the above reasons). Am I just banging my head against the wall for no good reason?

maybe your WS believes you should know her well enough, that you should instinctively know what she is thinking, what she needs, and therefore what she believes to be the "right" move. I have felt this way before, my WS doesn't know what to get me for xmas. my response is "you have known me 15years and you have no idea what I want" I would assume that WS didn't love me, couldn't put any effort in paying attention to my likes, interests. now I realize how unfair it is to expect anyone to "know" exactly what I want, or what I need from life. perhaps your wife is testing you on this front, and you may be right, without clear direction from her of her expectations, you are no doubt to fail regardless of the request, like you are flying blind.

IMHO the problem may not be that of who's right vs wrong, but of what action is right for you vs right for her. each of us percieves our own reality in a different way. each one of us would tell a story from our own view point. but her viewpoint is skewed. her reality is foggy. you seems to be able to communicate quite effectively, and perhaps that leaves your W feeling inadequate yet again, she can't keep up, can't compete. You also have a far better handle on your wants and needs, which also makes communicating easier. I actually have felt bad for my WS, seeing as she is so confused, doesn't know what to do, is in the fog. I feel blessed for all the clarity. I am not confused, I am centered, empowered.

perhaps using different language would bring the responsibility of her actions back to her. "this is what would be right for me, you need to tell me what is right for you." she may not be able to communicate exactly what it is she wants from you, she may not even have the knowledge of it.

could you give an example of an exchange? are you communicating about marital issues? the reason you may not be getting anywhere is because she is not interested in recovery. her interests lie elsewhere. I can imagine if you both have different outcomes, your communication on recovery would be futile, and thus frustrating for you both.

if you foster your W's independence and feel good about that, perhaps you are not codependent at all. just a normal supportive spouse. there's nothing wrong with that. I for one have definate issues where that goes. my WS has also been a very controlling factor in my life. It has always been her way or the highway, again another way to control her environment, and her anxiety. but this whole cycle put me into anxiety. I couldn't enjoy myself if she was home alone. I would cut my evenings short. decline certain engagements.

now I realize I have resentment that has built up, that I was unaware of. I couldn't let myself feel resentment, because it was never her fault. I told myself "she can't help her disease" "poor thing, I'll take care of her" I would gently suggest that she could do certain things if she tried, but she never had an interest, and again I felt bad for her. I don't know how I could have been different. I believe that accepting people for who they are is quite important, how do you balance that with encouraging them to strive for more, be a better person. I am learning that I need to let her be responsible for her own inadequacies.

Yes, I think she's very much testing me and trying to point out that I don't love her or care about her because I don't know her well enough by now. I do know quite a lot of her likes and wants and needs - but people are not static, and her wants and needs change and since she has stopped confiding in me, I can't keep up. I have my own life to attend to.

As for the right/wrong thing - I could care less about being wrong. In fact I welcome it - point it out, help me grow. If I were never wrong I wouldn't be able to grow or learn, and I love to learn, so life would be fairly empty. But she insists that I always have to be right or have things done my way. As for my part in the communication issues: I can formulate my thoughts pretty well on paper, but I often struggle to find the right words to communicate my intentions and ideas verbally. W has recently found that if she divorces my words from what I'm trying to communicate she can very easily say that I am not saying what I'm trying to express to her. Then when I try and clarify, she will tell me that I should have said it differently, and then goes on to tell me that I just can't communicate. The trouble in this seems to me that she doesn't want to admit that she doesn't understand what I'm trying to express, feels inadequate, and then blames her feelings of inadequacy on me and then defensively attacks me for inspiring these feelings in her. She quite often tells me that I'm condescending to her when I know full well that I'm not. Her inferiority complex is creating the negative feelings in her - yet I must be playing into it somehow, and it seems nothing I do proactively or reactively to change my part does any good.

I am very accepting of my W - maybe too much. I think this reflects some of my own issues in that I may be too easy on myself when I get lazy or make mistakes. But punishing oneself does no good, it just poisons our relationship with ourselves. The same is true in a relationship. So it's not that I see her as wrong - no one is wrong in a relationship, it's just different opinions. But it's a one way street.

As for the particulars - I have long since stopped trying to "work on the relationship". It's more to do with working as a team to accomplish things that are mutually beneficial to us regardless of our marital status. I'll give you a really recent example: we are making a lot of our gifts this year. W asked me about whether I was going out tonight (I have a weekly commitment). I told her I was and then she brought up that we have a lot to do and started to tell me not to worry, that she would pick up all the slack. I told her that while I was at work I was not at liberty to have a long discussion about this, but when I got home for lunch I would like to draw up a list of everything we need to accomplish before the weekend. She told me not to bother, that she would take care of her list and I should take care of my stuff. I told her that we were in this together and I didn't want to leave her to do everything (to me, she is taking on more than she wants to in order to create resentment) and that I'd like to figure out a more equitable way of distributing the work. She shut me out and refused, telling me that I should know all that needs to be done. I admit to her that I'm not great at remembering all the little details like she is and I'd like to get everything out on the table and plan the next few days so we can be comfortable that everything is getting done and we know what we are each doing. She completely refused, and just kept going on and on about how I should know and if I don't then I'm stupid - just continuous beratement. I shouldn't have to ask, and when I do, I just hear about how wrong I am for needing to ask. Hey, I do - I own this defect and I try and work through it. What more can I do? I can't be perfect. So the icing is that yesterday I went to church and then we were supposed to work on stuff. She decided to go out with her cheerleading friend and buy gifts for our son (we already exceeded our budget significantly for him) instead of doing what we agreed to. I ended up working on a gift we had talked about and to me was the next priority. She was pissed today that I had taken the risk and done what I thought we should have done without calling her and asking her. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I try and communicate directly and I'm wrong because I shouldn't need to communicate, but go with my assumptions (you know, that "knowledge" that I'm supposed to rely on rather than direct communication) and I'm wrong for not communicating.

She is not interested in recovery - she's interested in me accepting the blame for marital problems and proving that the breakup of our marriage has nothing to do with the affair, that it's because of these problems that existed before the affair. So she does whatever she can to sabotage our interactions. She takes every opportunity to find something in them to be miserable about, because if she's not miserable, then she hasn't got a good reason to end the marriage.

MT, I couldn't respond last night, but I have been giving a lot of thought to your post.

what you are feeling is right, your frustration is justified. she is baiting you, but why is the question. many reasons come to mind. sounds like the night in question, when you had pre-arranged plans, she was trying to control you by making you feel guilty for not participationg in the project. ??? maybe she wanted your attention. she is contradicting herself. saying "I don't need your help, I've got it. no problem, I'll take care of it." but those words are designed to illicit a reaction out of you. and that is not fair to you. perhaps she wanted you to change your plans, run home and participate in the project with her. regardless, her communication is not clear, not honest. no wonder why you are frustrated.

IMHO, she needs to be redirected, and stop trying to control your behavior. how to accomplish this I don't know. perhaps you can prepare some responses to deal with her for the next interaction.

sounds like her behavior is full of disrespectful judgements. that is unfair to you. perhaps you could define those boundaries a little better.

example
W "you did XYZ wrong, I can't believe you did it that way"
MT "yes, I did it my way, if you wanted it done XYZ way, perhaps you should have done it yourself. "
W "you should know how I wanted it done, you don't understand me at all"
MT " You are not expressing yourself clearly. If you want it done a certain way, you should take care of it yourself, if you want my help, you will have to accept the way I do it. "
W "forget it, I will do it myself"
MT " OK, maybe I could help in a different way, I could wrap and address all the presents when you are done, or I can buy the supplies."
then leave the conversation. If she continues to berate you either repeat your previous statements in a calm manner or tell her " I don't want to continue this discussion, I have already responded to these questions"

something like that. my point is STOP appologizing for not knowing what she wants. stop appologizing for doing things "wrong" and try to focus on doing what you can do to the best of your ability. then accept that you are doing your best. and don't appologize for not doing it HER way. you are not her. only she can do it the way she wants. meeting EN's are one thing, but you cannot be expected to obey her every wish, and then be berated when it is not to her liking, stop accepting her disrepect.

as far as communication goes, my WS usually gets defensive when we have emotional discussions. she feels attacked, and defensive. that in itself is defeating. what I usually do is write her an email or a letter. It allows me to think of exactly what I want to say, find the best way to say it, then I am sure I have a captive audience when she reads it. also, it allows her to let her defenses down and really listen and hear what I am saying.

sounds to me like your W has a lot of guilt, a lot of questions that can only be answered by her. I would do everything in my power to stop jumping through her hoops.
stop arguing with her. agree with what she says with confidence " yes, I do not know what you need from me, you will have to tell me, I cannot be expected to know what you are thinking." when she says "you should know" simply state "it is unfair to expect anyone to read your mind" and again leave it at that.

MT, what are your thoughts on plan B, has your W talked about getting her own apartment, or getting some space? perhaps she doesn't need to have full access to her A partner to get some clarity, perhaps just some space would afford her a clearer picture. Oh, and don't forget, if you can't read her mind, neither can he. let him try it for a while.

I don't know if any of this helps again, I am very new to this site, so this is just MHO,

FB, thanks much for your continued attention. You insight is very helpful to me. I have several ideas why she is baiting me ranging from making herself feel like less of a low-life by dragging me down to her level to proving to herself that I'm worthless - and trying to get me to accept this so that it becomes real. As for the clarity of her communication, I don't think she's got a clue what she wants - I think she's really confused. Someone who's ready to get out of a relationship doesn't try and control the other person, they don't fight against the perceived irrationality of the STBXS's actions. They just let go and move on. She hasn't and isn't.

Her trying to control my behavior is something that I struggle with. My reaction has always been to do what I do how I do it. I always evaluate my actions against my own standard - even if I'm doing something for someone else. So in that sense I don't let her control me - even when I do for her what she asks/manipulates me to do, I do it of my own volition and I don't create resentment for the doing of it. I might (and probably do) resent her for asking me or trying to control me in less than honest ways. I'm not really sure how to more effectively respond to her controlling - I have pretty much set the precedent that I am who I am and do things the way I do. But this doesn't seem to help her accept this. Rather she tries to change me and get me to improve how I do things to meet her standards. The trouble is that I don't operate under that paradigm - I operate as a free person deciding to do for another. She looks at it differently and sees my actions as compliance with her demands. She sees my gift of action as effective controlling on her part.

For the most part I don't appologize for who I am or how I do things or even for my faults. However, I know I need to revisit how I am interacting on this front because I may still be coming off as accepting the blame for these issues even if I don't appologize. I think my accepting this responsibility helps her avoid it and that's why she's so eager to criticize me. I can't tell you how often recently she's said to me "You are sorry that I am feeling the way I am, but you never take responsibility for making me feel the way I do." I have long ago stopped accepting blame for causing her feelings - especially when my actions are warranted. I think it's another one of her control mechanisms to create bad feelings, assign responsibility for creating those feelings to me and "make" me change in order to ease her feelings.

I think that one of the reasons W is so angry and unhappy with me is that in some ways she is trying to live her life vicariously through me. I let her down because I'm not her - I can't live her life for her. The more I try and make our lives about pleasing her the more I lose myself and then we both end up unhappy and feeling like a good portion of our lives have been wasted.

I do need to stop jumping through her hoops. I have detached to the point where little she says affects me, but I haven't totally removed my reactions from the buttons she pushes. She still gets responses out of me - but I'm far more aware of how I'm responding and I'm always experimenting with how I respond. Maybe not enough yet. The arguing point you make - I have a really hard time with this. I am not much of an arguer - but I also find that it's very important that I stand up to her, don't cave to her demands - BUT, if she doesn't get what she wants she throws a tantrum. She escalates until she gets to the point where she gets violent. And the biggest offense I can commit is to remove myself from the situation and not listen to her. So, either I comply or things get ugly. If I stand my ground we argue. She turns it into an argument despite my simple statement of my position. Where do I go from here? I don't know.

I am going to include a couple of interactions below - the first are some emails sent back and forth regarding the issue I addressed last night:


And her response:


My response:


At lunch we didn't get anything resolved. W was playing the martyr and refusing to share the work.

Another illustration of the issues with my lack of mind-reading ability:

Plan B is what I'm really focusing on now. There are lots of considerations that I need to look into, and I'm really not excited about giving up so much because of this. However, I have no choice. I've been at this for about a year and I think it's time to move on with my life, with or without my W. She has not taken any action to move out or move on. She would rather keep herself "trapped" and tell me that I like seeing her trapped than do something to get out. She has no job (except for the data entry job she does at home for my company) and she hasn't made any progress towards getting another one. It was one of her explicit goals several months ago - to get herself independant. It seems she would rather blame me for it than work through her negative feelings to get where she needs to go. And I'm enabling her doing so right now. Plan B will ultimately force her to do what she needs to, but I wanted to give her every opportunity to do it on her own. I don't know how I'll be able to afford it, but it's clear that it needs to be done. Also I don't want my son to miss out on time with his father (I know I'm very nurturing and I spend all the time I can with him) because his mother is the stay-at-home(so-she-can-cheat) mom.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond. Your thoughts are certainly helpful.

Can I say this is a fantastic thread.

I too had a similar thread "How do I know it's over" but was reaching a bit of a dead end because I don't think I could express myself well enough to gain enough insight.

Our situations seem to be so,so similar, and the insight I have gained from this thread is brilliant. I was struggling to find a way forward. I need to Plan B but just couldn't find the strength or reason to do it properly. I realise I've got to deal wih my dependancy on her and how negative that has been.

Want to re-read it a couple of times before perhaps I can actually contribute with my 2 p.

CEG - glad that my situation is helpful to you.

I had an interesting conversation with W at lunch. She had talked to my brother the other day and felt that he had treated her rudely. I spoke with him last night and he assured me that he didn't have any bad intentions and that he didn't think he was being rude. I'm really not sure where the objective truth is, so I keep my mind open. I told W that I spoke with him and that he hadn't intended anything by his response to her. She was a little upset because she thinks he's a pathological liar - which he may well be - and didn't like that I was taking his response as honesty. I tried to emphasize that I understood her feelings, why she was feeling them, etc. But then she started to get into something else. Her guilt. She started talking about how my brothers do so many bad things, some of them even illegal, and they are accepted. Their behavior is accepted, but when she does something wrong she's not. People can be rude to her. There's a double standard. I was caught a little off guard because of the many places where this argument was vulnerable - but I tried to continue to listen and understand her feelings. In the end, I didn't agree with her about her feelings about the injustice of it - I told her that my family accepts each other even if we don't agree with their actions. I told her that she was still accepted by the family. She told me that she was treated like crap by my brother and here was the proof that this wasn't true. In the end, she pointed out that my diplomatic attempt to understand her point of view and feelings without my complete agreement with her and validation of the reason she was sustaining her feelings was my fear of disagreeing with her. I told her that I didn't agree with her because my personal philosophy about justice wasn't in agreement with hers, but that this didn't change the fact that I was concerned with her feelings. She got upset, telling me that I don't care about her and even started to cry. She was upset that I wouldn't agree with her, and then when I came out and DISagreed with her in what I think is a very respectful way, she was hurt. She used my input to contribute to her self destructive feelings - reinforcing her sense that she isn't right.

My feeling is that she's really guilty about doing wrong. She can't forgive herself for what she's doing and she wants the behavior that others get away with to absolve her of her bad behavior. It doesn't and won't, but her perverted sense of justice keeps telling her that it should. So she continues to hurt herself by fighting against reality using these irrational concepts to keep her going. And her mother and her cheerleading friend reinforce this thinking. I'm to blame for her bad feelings in this interaction because I don't completely agree with her and support her thinking. It doesn't really matter how diplomatically I express my point of view.

Maybe this is a good sign, the fact that there is all this guilt that she's forcing out into these different directions. Eventually she'll have to come to terms with the real feelings that are there. The upsets caused by other people wouldn't have much impact if she weren't poised to hurt herself, if she didn't have the ammunition. But she does, and somewhere she learned (probably in her FOO) that if she hurts herself - or just hurts - someone will come and rescue her. But if she didn't cooperate with the percieved aggressor, what hurt would there be? My brother would be rude, and that's it. Should he be? Who knows, who cares. But the constant maintenance of this code of conduct that people should abide by is what causes pain when people don't act the way you expect. The lack of acceptance causes pain. That's what she refuses to accept - accepting others' behavior, or others in general.

Wow...talking about fog speak!!! and Selfishness and child like behavior...WOW!

Some of those teenage, child like comments remind me of my EX WW and her words. They really can justify anything given enough time. It amazes me to no end.

Very interesting.

Was your e-mail written in a different manner than she's used to receiving from you?

~ Marsh

Actually, (I went back into some old mail to be sure) I usually send her one-liners dealing with specific issues. This was a little more composed - but I wanted to get my thoughts out because I came away from the conversation we had just had with the sense that I hadn't communicated my position very well. My language was a bit more formal in this email than I would write otherwise, but I don't see why she took offense to it. Seem like she's trying to keep me on the defensive.

She took exception to it because she was intimidated by the tone. She thinks you wrote it for your lawyer. I got the same thing from my EX WW a few times and you know what, I DID write for my lawyer....

Yes, it's the dance of fear. I don't have a lawyer yet, but she doesn't know that, does she? She did ask me who I BCCed on it though.

Why didn't you say this to her in reply to her e-mail?

She seemed to have read some kind of coldness or detachment from you in the letter.

Your letting her know why the language was a bit more formal in this email, MAY have helped clear things up for her.

I DO find it surprising that she expects any kind of warmth from you when she is currently engaged in an A.

Have you ever questioned her about her expectations of you considering what she's presently doing?

~ Marsh

Who else did you send a copy of the e-mail to?

~ Marsh