Hi Everyone. Just an update, I haven't spoke to my ex in almost 3 weeks now and I've managed to avoid going into my office since I'm an independent contractor. She works in the same office and is in there a lot.

I have a social networking function with all the other local "independent contractors" this thursday and she will be there.

I feel as though I should show up and act happy and indifferent towards her to show her that I've moved on although I really haven't. Still have feelings for her. Please advise me on whether or not you think I should go and face her.

I just want to feel some sort of connection to her and possibly build a relationship. I know I sound like a broken record but how else can I have an impact unless she sees me and we communicate and have a friendly interaction?

Coughlin

I think it's great you have stayed strong and not seen the woman all this time.My opinion is no,don't go to the social.Just like we tell WS's to avoid OP and BS's to avoid the WS if in Plan B,you should do the same (NC).

If you see her with current feelings for her then it's just going to be really hard on you and you'll go back to square one.You can show her you moved on by not being there and maybe even some day,getting a new job where this situation won't be a burden anymore.You shouldn't worry about "showing her"this or that,you should be concerned with your own heart and minds' wellbeing.

jmho

[color:"blue"] Coughlin [/color] ,
I'm not sure if I can say this well, but I want to speak a little plainly here. This may be one of those MB truth moments that we all receive sometimes.

I don't fully know your story, but I did a quick read of some of your past posts. It seems like you might still have difficulty detaching from your exWife. You even mentioned it in the post above, that you "want to feel some sort of connection to her and possibly build a relationship". But the problem I see is that there really hasn't been a "separation" since your divorce. I understand how she's still in your mind - my exH is still in my mind, 4 years post-divorce. But the fact that you continue to HAVE to see her definitely makes it more difficult to detach.

Think of adapting Plan B in your life, regarding your exW. IMHO, that's what you need to do...it will help YOU so much emotionally in the long run. Once that is done, there possibly could still be a chance for a relationship. But for your own mental health, I seriously suggest trying to find a way to be more detached. Have you explored working elsewhere?

Going to the party probably isn't the best idea. Most women can see an emotionally vulnerable man pretty easily. I don't think you're in the best place right now - and certainly not projecting the image you want to show her. I'd not go, and give her some space. MAKE HER MISS YOU.

Good gawd Coughlin, are you seriously asking this...again?

Here's my advice: Get a new job, move very far away. You don't seem able to let this go & it's eating you alive. Aim for a healthy life.

OK, I SERIOUSLY NEED A CEMENT WALL, FIND ME A CEMENT WELL AS I NEED TO BANG MY HEAD INTO IT.

Coughlin, if you go to this function I for one will be severely disappointed in you. STAY AWAY FROM THIS GIRL!!!!! but you already know that. 3 weeks is great, keep going, each week will make you stronger. and stop asking us what we think you should do to foster a connection with this emotionally,immature, unstable girl, NONE OF US ARE GOING TO SUPPORT IT BOTTOM LINE, SO STOP ASKING!

we will support you getting healthy and staying the freakin ****** away from her!

mlhb

This can only go one of two ways, if you go: 1. She will be horny, in which case she will go home with you, sleep with you, and give you the cold shoulder the next day; 2. She will flirt with the other guys there and will give you the cold shoulder.

If either of these appeals to you, by all means, go!

Otherwise, fire up some Rudolph videos and have a much better evening <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Oh Brother! Here we go again! A thump on the head for Coughlin...

Coughlin, I don't understand:

1. Why you refer to her as an ex. She is not an exwife or even an exgf. She was a "booty call", that's all. This saga bears absolutely no resemblence to a real relationship.

2. Why you keep asking for everyone's advice here when clearly, you don't intend to take it.

oh and agg, let's not forget that if she does go home with him and sleep with him, she always leaves crying.. don't leave out that part. crying because she is an unstable manipulative young whack job of a girl.

oh no, she doesn't just sleep with him, she leaves crying with the whole "i'm so confused, i don't want a relationship" shpeal....

i'd like alone in a room with this little whack job for just 5 minutes, just give me 5 minutes...

mlhb

Coughlin, This young woman has made it clear that she does not want you to impact her life. She doesn't want you as a boyfriend, although you may be okay for the occassional lay. She doesn't love you, she may not even like you very much.

If I were in her shoes, and read your post here, I'd start to be freaked out because you refuse to hear what she says. She doesn't want a relationship. She doesn't want you to impact her life. She doesn't want to feel any connection except the occassional O, and possibly not that if she finds someone else that fits into her life better than you, or she suddenly gains in maturity.

We've couched this all along in how she's not right for you, not mature enough, etc. How she doesn't treat you well. THat's only half the story. The other half is she doesn't want you. And you need to accept that, realize that because one girl rejecting you is no reflection on you, your worth, or your general attractiveness, and you need to move on.

I'm being really direct and harsh, and I konw you probably feel like dung right now. However, you really are walking a fine line, and I don't want you to give this girl a reason to tell all the other contractors and people you know that you're a psycho stalker.

Do not go to this party. You will get hurt no matter what the outcome is.

Apparently this girl has not hurt or rejected you enough, if she did you would be able to go and her presense would have ZERO effect on you.

If I could wrap a gift for you it would be "emotional detachment from this girl"..That way when SHE or YOU need a little booty..you get together and it MEANS NOTHING TO YOU...except SF. Maybe my WH could give you some lessons in these arena.

I wonder, there are men and women that only want what they can't have..is this you?? She may not be the only one who needs to grow up here..Sorry for the 2X4 .....it's almost like you are obsessed with her..why??? it may have nothing to do with her but something you need to fix..

Hey, my WH didn't/doesn't want me either, except to play the wife part and that's about over too.and yet, I wanted him soooo bad..Finally, 3 years later (yeah, I'm a slow learner and needed quite a few 2X4's) and now, he doesn't matter anymore..Do I still love him, yes, do I want what what little he can give me, NO.....he's not worth it anymore. I wouldn't even want a booty call from him, he ain't good...nor worth the emotional torture....

I say go to the party, hold your hed high and if she does want to hook-up refuse her advances. She's not worth it and may never be. When you give in to her you only reinforce her bad behaviour and mistreatment of YOU...Dr. Phil always say - we teach people how to treat us - what have taught her??? it's ok to walk all over you..you dont' respect yourself enough so why should she respect you and your feelings????

HUGS

If it were just a 'booty call', she wouldn't always cry after... or would She?

I don't understand that crying after part at all...
Coughlin, what do you think why she does that?
Btw, were/are you too possessive, jelaous...?

i think she cries because she is a whack job.
i think she cries to manipulate coughlin.
i think she cries because maybe a little piece of her feels like trash for just sleeping with someone without a relationship being attached.

i think she cries because sex is effing up her head as much as it does coughlins because there is no relationship attached nor does she want there to be one.

i don't know that she does this every time, but i know the last time or 2 she and coughlin decided to have booty call she did.

mlhb

Wow, and I was worried about offending Coughlin with my post! Evidently there's an on-going habitual situation here that everyone sees.

[color:"blue"] Coughlin, [/color] you are hearing the same thing from across the boards - people who've been here for months AND years! Pay attention, please! Oh, and what do you know about co-dependency? You might want to read up on it.

Hey, Coughlin, you know it's only because we care. We want you to be healthy and whole. We want you to make smart choices.

ROFLMAO!

I knew it.

What happened to this...

"I still cry and miss the fantasy of what I thought we had together. Reality is sometimes hard to take although it's always there. You all helped me to see that."

14 short days ago this is what you said. You call it a fantasy...were you just placating the posters here that are trying to get you to see the light OR are you that PWed?

If nothing else, your postings crack me up. You REFUSE to see what is smack dab in your face.

Just going to sit back and watch as this booty call drama plays out...one more time.

committed

I went to the party and I saw her there. I couldn't stay long because it was starting to bother me that she was ignoring me and hanging out with other guys. To answer your question, Belonging, I did have a problem with her hanging out with other guys and it made her feel bad that I didn't trust her.

Committed, I'm glad my drama is amusing you but I have to say that I need to work on my own insecurites and life has a strange way of working itself out. I don't know what's gonna happen to me but I'm ready for it and I think that's what acceptance is all about.

My counselor told me I should go to this event and get some of my power back, not from her, but for me, if that makes sense. It was difficult but I did it and although it hurt, it gave me a new perspective on what I'm capable of.

Personally,I think your counselor was wrong.How do you get your "power" back when you are clearly still very much hung up on this girl and all you did was just put yourself through the ringer again? ugh.

IMO having the power is when you just don't give a da** where she is or what reaction she will have (which as I see it was the only reason you went) and don't put yourself in situations that might hurt you.Again I think it would be wise to consider another job somewhere so this woman won't always be a thorn in your side.Even if you do ultimately "move on" it might just be uncomfortable to be in the same company.

I think my counselor was right because I had been avoiding the office doing NC and it was effecting my production or atleast it could have. Now, it did hurt to see her "moving on" as I'm sure it hurt all of us to see our ex's doing so at one point but how else can you heal and get rid of the fantasy. I'm not gonna quit my job because of her. That's just not gonna happen. I like what I do and I belong there.

The hurt will get less and less and I will never be able to move on unless I confront reality. Did she ask about me when I left? Yup. Did she say she missed me and wished it could've worked out? Yup. Is she gonna regret not wanting to be in a relationship with me? I don't know but I hope not. The absolute two worst feelings in this world are guilt and regret. None of which I have felt in a long time.

I went on a date with a 34 year old last weekend and it was fun. We hit it off and I got a taste for what I was missing--DATING. Is the attraction as strong as with my ex? No. Is it more comfortable? Yes. I guess that's what dating is all about. To see what you like and find out who you are.

Coughlin,

I think the problem most of us see in you is that you keep returning to focusing on this woman in one way or another.Hence the repeat posts all the time.If one day you really can keep working with her and have no feelings about it,great.It just seems implausible that you would reach that conclusion so fast after all the posting you have done about her recently.

For me getting rid of any "fantasies",granted it was about saving my marriage and family long before,not about a new man,was self reassurance,talking with friends and family,etc.It didn't take repeatedly going up to and seeing and talking to my now ex.I've never wanted to be around or work with prior BF's who either hurt me or if it didn't work out.For some I suppose you can manage to "just be friends" still but not usually in my book.It's too strange.

I'm glad you had another date.That gets you out there and hopefully away from what I see as a hopeless relationship.Anyway,no hard feelings.I do wish you luck and happiness.

Did she ask about me when I left? Yup.

You know this because????


Did she say she missed me and wished it could've worked out? Yup.

Again...how would you know this???

Unless, YOU asked. Those are the actions of someone who is clearly not "moving on" and facing reality.

She isn't "moving on"...because she was never "on" to begin with. She used you for SEX...a little power trip to see just how many men in the office she can get. She is STILL doing that. It kills you to witness it. Why aren't you grossed out by it?? Why doesn't it bother you to know that you were just one of the others? That is what you were...a conquest of sorts.

This is a young woman making her rounds in the office....yuk. She told you from the very start that she didn't want a relationship with you. She accused you of "seducing" her...(one step from using the word rape)...and she leaves your apartment in tears each and everytime you have sex. Now, explain to me how you cannot see that enormous [color:"red"] RED [/color] flag.

You continue on this path and you won't have to worry about it...you will end up losing your job there. Employers get tired of this kind of crap. That's why a lot of companies have a strict policy about NO dating in the workplace.

You are treading on thin ice when you continue to carry this fantasy torch for her.

That is what I find humorous...you are being told the same EXACT thing by 99.99% of the posters here and you still spin it the way you want.

committed