Meds!

A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.

The man asked, "How often do I take these?" "Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you," replied the doctor. "They're for your wife."

Other Answering Services!

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at a mental health institute.

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessively-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press . no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

" Budding Doc's!"

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said. "Sexuality?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

"Mr. Perfect"

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?"

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it."

"Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?"

"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night . . . . always have been."

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."

"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight."

Medical Terminology Humor~

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceite

"Birth Control Pills!"

The doctor that had been seeing Myrtle, a now 84-year-old woman, for most of his life, died shortly after he retired at 65.

At her next annual checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grand daughter drinks...

And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

Colonoscopy Humor!

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
____________________________________________________________

"Getting Older Review"!

The Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program.

Not Wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:

Monday
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper

Tuesday
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head

Wednesday
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles

Thursday
Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire

Friday
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge

Saturday
Pick up the pieces.

Sunday
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them.

Whew! What a workout!

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Cat in the Hat turns "50". Send free birthday wishes and support National Literacy!

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Dr. Notes
Sometimes Doctors, for a variety of reasons, write the most amusing things… The following are notes from Medical Records - These are actual doctors' notes (unedited) on patients' charts:

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (ouch!)

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall

31. Neurosurgeon charted procedure with a big typo! "Pt. is post-op day 2 for butt hole washouts". He should have charted "burr hole washouts" (Thanks Vivi)


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_______ FLOSSIN DENTIST VISIT SAY AHA_______________.

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth.

He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves.

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No, I don't have any idea."

"Well," he spoofed, "down in the tropical islands they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size.

Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands!

Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again." She didn't laugh one bit.

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.


The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

~How to become A Dermatologist~

If it is dry - add moist; if it is moisten - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist. (As if???)

~~~New Hospital Wing~~~

Recently, when a Panel of Doctors at a new local hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened....

... The allergists voted to scratch it..
... The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
... The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
... The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
... The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
... The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
... The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
... The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
... The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
... The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
... The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
... The radiologists could see right through it.
... The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
... The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
... The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
... The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
... The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
... And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
... The HMOs killed it anyway.


Needless, to say the new wing didn't fly anyways.

~House Calls~

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.

The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"


"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

~New Drugs for Men ~


DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.


PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.


CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks, especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.


COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new style from the beauty parlor. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.


BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.


NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.


CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.


PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.
__________________

~Senior Issues~


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.


A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.


A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"


Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"



The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"