ok so tonite I am going to ask her to go over her little book of secrets with me. I am going to ask her questions about the A. Should I let her know that I have this receipt for the package she shipped to him in Canada? Should I also show her the receipt I found for the calling card the night she left for the weekend?

Sure, I would be honest with her. Let her know you have seen these things. If she gets mad - "why are you snooping on me. This is my life, you have no right to snoop."

You say" I am looking for the truth. I am trying to keep my M together and I don't want anymore secrets between us." Let her know that you are there for her to talk to if needed. Tell her "you can tell me anything and I mean anything, I;m your H and I want to help you and us."

I wouldn't talk about R/M while she is still in withdrawal. She probably won't be a receptive party and you will be prone to LB. I would wait until she seems ready to really reconcile. Don't show her evidence or let her know how you obtained it. You don't want her to know your sources so she can circumvent them in the future. Just verify NC.

Thanks Jim,

I see his point of view here and agree with him in the above post.

Stay on watch for contact though.

what is R/M?

relationship between you two

marriage

all of this talk right now would be too much for her to deal with and she would end up pushing you away for it.

Right now it is most important to seek a state of normalcy. She's going through withdrawal, and her thoughts will waver. Sometimes she may be open and agreeable, at other times distant and sullen.

It is up to you to remain constantly calm and warm during this time. Suggest doing some things with her, but don't insist. If she suggests anything, do it. Spend quality time together without the R/M talks. Find the common ground that has existed between you since you first met. Be friends. Careful with drinking together though, as it can prompt words that were unintended.

It's a very strange time period, but it's normal. Don't be threatened by the weirdness, just roll with it.

Hang in there!
SD

ok we talked about the A last night. She answered all of my questions honestly. I remained surprisingly calm. She told me that what she sent him was a CD that she burned for him and I believe her. She also revealed that he sent one of his shirts to her. Says she wanted it so she could "smell" him . That was kind of hard to swallow , but I did. I promptky threw the shirt in the garbage can and immediately took it out to the alley . Said she didn't even want to see it. I watched her sob and cry. I held her and gave her a little kiss onher forhead. I told her I understand that she feels like she lost something that she loved. Which she did. But I told her that she doesn't need to feel hopeless or alone, that I am here for her whenever she wants me to comfort her. Also said, I would leave her be if she just wanted to be alone with her thoughts. I promised to be the man that she needs in every way. To be like the guy that I was when we first fell in love. She promised me that if she felt like she wanted to call him, that she would call me first and give me a chance to help her avoid doing that. I let her know that it is going to be rough but worth it in the end. That we are doing the right thing for us and our children. She told me that she was sorry for what happened and I gave her another hug.I said I know we all make mistakes lets just promise each other that we won't do things that may hurt each other anymore. I told her that now I want to put our past behind us and continue to work on being the best "me" that I can. Since that is the only thing I actually have any control over. No relationship talk was brought up aside from me mentioning that I realize she needs time to get over this withdrawl phase. Told her that when she is ready to let me know and we could begin to rebuild our marriage from there. She was crying when I asked her to throw away his shirt. She said "thats all I have of him". I may have handled it the wrong way but I sort of got upset. I said "what do you want me to do with it, hang it on the mantle? Put it in a frame? Hang it over the back of a chair so we can all see it every day? How about I throw it in the oven and bake this f#@ker!"She said "no give it to me I will put it away." I said " This shirt belonged to the man that you were having an affair with and I don't want it in our house." I promptly threw it in the trash can tied up the bag went out to the alloey and tossed it in the barrel.I asked her if she was mad at me for throwing it away she couldn't even look at me. I said " please don't hate me for taking away something that you love." I kind of started getting agitated about her attachment to his shirt. Probably should have kept my cool and been more understanding. I raised my voice and said " I can't believe we are fighting over this rag! He probably sent you the worst shirt he had!" It was a worn out faded t-shirt with the sleeves cut off .Nothing more was said for a while. We had a peaceful dinner with the kids we laughed and evensmiled at each other about some of the funny things the girls said. Later last night she apologized she said " I am sorry about the shirt" I said lets just let it go. This morning when I left for work I saw the trash collectors dumping our garbage can into the bak of their truck. I thought to myself , I wish OM was still wearing that shirt right now lol.

Next time that happens, you don't need to discuss it or raise your voice, just calmly throw it away. Same thing with the prepaid calling cards. Throw them away. Don't trust that she will call you before she calls him. You need to VERIFY that she doesn't call him. You can tell how strong her ADDICTION is. Don't underestimate the power of withdrawal. She may very well want to work things out with you, but she may slip back to her addict ways. YOU ARE HER HUSBAND AND ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR TAKING CARE OF HER. DON"T LET HER RELAPSE!!

ChiD,

I think it went very well. She saw some of your hurt, she knows she was wrong and wants to have a happy M with you.

She even was able to say sorry about the shirt.

Good point to let her know that she can call you whenever she wants to call the OM. That is a big help to her.

You are making it a nice place for her when she crashes. As long as she has NC she will crash.

Keep in mind what Jim said, she may slip back to calling him so watch for contact. Get rid or the calling cards.

O.K. now here we are. I know that the r/m talk is not going to happen right away. . I will act like everything is fine and go about business as usual. How long may it take for her to get through withdrawl. I know there is no definate answer but is there a low/high figure. LIke as little as # weeks/mos./as many as # weeks/mos./years?I don't want to bring any talk of R up until she is ready but are there any signs I can look for to think she may be in the future. I guess I am just not sure what to do next aside from assuring NC and being a good plan A'r.after a successful plan A how do you know when to tAake the next step. Sorry for being so clueless here.

Withdrawal will take from 2 months up to six months, but happens so slowly you won't notice much. Mood swings, will lessen in frequency and intensity.

You'll know when she's over the hump when you can look into her eyes, and see the W you used to know.

Seek normalcy, because this is a trying period for a BS...seems to take forever, and is really painful, so keep your taker on hold, and your giver giving with unconditional love.

You are right on track, so don't give up!

SD

This is often where BSs make the mistake of pushing for recovery too fast. I haven't had SF with my WW in over 5 months. My WW has not even kissed me (with tongue) since she ended it with OM. She ended it with OM on 11/8. She called him twice afterwards (closure contact), the last of which was on 12/16. I am slowly starting to notice some changes now. She wants to hang out with me more often. She'll cuddle with me in bed or on the couch now. If I start crying, she will come over and give me a hug. The fog lifts SLOWLY. If you push, the fog will stay longer. It took M2L's WW 4 months after NC for her to finally commit to him again. I would say you should give it about 6 months after NC, and then reevaluate where you are at that time. Take solace in the small steps toward recovery. Keep your taker down, he tends to want to rear his ugly head from time to time. Just meet your WW's ENs and avoid LB's at all cost. AND MONITOR FOR CONTACT!

I second what SD and Jim said.

It will take time. It got hard for me to not get a single thing from my wife while I was waiting. It got real old. Try to do somethings for you.

I planned a few trips with my wife. Don't push for sex before she is ready. Like SD said, you will see it in her eyes. I was told that and man it was weird when it happend. The day my wife cracked. She would just look at me with her "old" eyes. Hadn't seen them in a while and it felt good. Was on my knees thanking God for his help that night.

You will want to vent so come here and yell to us - not to her.

Jim did some yelling about his wife once and said it felt good. Sometimes i would yell while in the car alone. Real loud too. Felt great.

Give it time and show your wife Christ's love.

Thanks guys,
I am keeping my emotions , at least the bad ones in check. Keep telling myself look ahead not back.When I start picturing their interactions I immediately force myself to stop , I tell myself that was her then not now. I do find it hard to keep up a good front when I don't see any kind of response. Thanks for advising me to be patient. I know now that this is how it usually works and that my attempts aren't really being rejected. I will keep up the good fight one day at a time. Soon enough I am sure we can be happy again. Thanks a lot guys I don't feel so hopeless anymore. Am looking forward to a wonderful marriage again. Gotta stop thinking about the worst parts of it they are in the past.

I asked my wife to promise that if she ever felt the need to call him that she call me first. To give us a chance to talk about it first. She made that promise to me MOnday night. I trusted her and let her keep the phone card. Well she called him yesterday after work to let him know what happened between her and I MOnday night. I confronted her about it over the phone while we were both at work. I kind of lost my cool and let all of my bad feelings out. I think we are back to day one again. DAmn

The first thing to do is apologize to your W specifically for anything you said when you let your feeling out. Speak the truth. Tell her you are sorry for saying this and that and for losing your temper.

Then bring up the calling card and the call. Ask her what she would suggest be done about the contact. Ask her what she would do if the circumstances were reversed. Try to lead the conversation to a direction that might coerce her to volunteer to give up the calling card. If not, simply ask her to give it up.

No threats, no ultimatums, no temper, no Love Busters of any kind. It wouldn't hurt to bring her a long stemmed rose and a card to preface the apology.

You fell off the horse, but the rodeo is not over. Dust yourself off, learn from your mistakes, and mount up. There is more riding to be done!

Best wishes,
SD

What did I tell you about the calling card? You are letting a recovering alcoholic walk around with a bottle of booze. Get rid of the d*mn thing! You can trust her after you've recovered. Not now!

Ok, She came home from work last night walked intothe kitchen where I was with our kids. She pulled out the calling card(s) and cut them in half into the trashcan. She also tore up the scraps of paper which had his phone numbers written on them. I let her know how much it hurt me. She kept telling me that he is a good guy that I shouldn't think poorly of him. I said that guy wasn't nice because he took an equal part in the affair . I told her that as she has every right to like him I too have every right to despise him. That a good man would never get involved with a married woman like that. She cried said I know I know I am such a stupid ******. I told her that I havenever thought of her like that and didn't want her to thinkthat about herself either. I said " I just want to put this miserable ****** behind us and move on with "our" lives "

Don't try and preach to her too much, she might take that as a DJ. Let her come to the conclusion on her own the the guy is a complete jack*ss. I'm glad she took the initiative to toss the calling cards. However, beware, that doesn't mean the end to contact. She might get another one if she misses him a lot or might try and email him or something else. Don't think that this is definitely the end of the OM. Help her get through this. No LBs.