Correct a mundo Jim,

Keep an eye out for more contact.

The card thing is very good.

When she tells you about the OM, just stick to agreeing with her for now.
"I'm sure he is"
"I understand why you feel this way"

You need to be more of a friend right now than H. HARD as he)) I know, but a must.

I think you have that DOs and DON'T list. Now is a good time to go over it and use it.

Let your wife come to see the OM as a POS. This will take time, but it will come.

How do you get the bad thoughts out of your head? I seem obsessed with making him feel my pain that [email]f@#$ing[/email] canuck pos. I find it very hard to act happy when all I seem to have in my heads are terrible images of him pleasuring him self with my lovely wife. I just picture that smug selfish pr$#k having the time of his life with absolutely nothing to lose, no remorse no morality whatsoever.

Those thoughts will fade with time. There is nothing we can say or do to make the time go by more quickly, but remember that the OM is really insigificant in the whole scheme of things. Thoughts of him rob you of thinking of how you will get through this.

I can honestly say that I have but a few fleeting thoughts about all that today, but can remember when I obsessed about it.

I thought that my W was two different people back then, the WW and the W I knew and loved. What she did as a WW was done in a state of temporary insanity, something my W would never approve of. Once she returned to the marriage, she was no longer the WW who was capable of such horrible behavior.

Force yourself to find other thoughts. The obsession with the OM is cancerous, and will do you no good.

The bit with your W snipping up the calling card was a real positive. Dwell on the positives, not the negatives. I know it's tough, but it's doable!

Best wishes,
SD

Did you ever think. Why am I doing this? Is it really worth it? She doesn't even want to be here she said she still has feelings for him and always will. Should I just give up and find someone who will appreciate what I am. Or is this another normal twist on this crazy ride?

No Chidad,

No one here had ever felt that way. LOL

VERY normal and right on track for the whole damn crazy ride.

Please take a look at Bobpure's thread. "tool box for BS" or something like that. He has a part in it that talks about your feelings.

I'll try and bump it up top the to for you.

PS: I'd be a little worried if you didn't feel like this. It means you are working hard on your M!!!!

GEEZ! you had me scared sh$@tless for the 1st 2 lines of your post there m2l. LOL thanks for the laugh I needed it

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

now get over to Bobpure's thread.

the part you want to look for is called:

"Don't particularly want her back" it's in blue

Ok,
Read thru bobpure's thread. Lots of reading there.I know that I don't have it as bad as some do. Also that it is normal to have second thoughts .
I just gotta keep pushing the horrible images out of my mind. Last night I was having a hard time keeping my mind clear, thought about getting drunk again. Realized that would not help me at all it would only be hurting my wife and me this morning lol. So I decided to workout instead. Really helped get out a lot of stress. I pushed myself hard didn't even think about the A at all.
My kids even got involved the wanted to work out with me it was nice. Wife came home from work, I could tell she was feeling down. I told her that I almost started drinking "to make myself feel better". She changed her clothes and did a little workout for herself.
We sat down and had an enjoyable time at dinner. All four of us talked about our day and laughed with each other. That was really nice.
I put the girls to bed , said hteir prayers with them like I always do. Sat down on the couch with my wife to watch some television and unwind.
We talked about the news and things we are planning to do in the coming weeks together. Such as having friends over for dinner . She asked me if I would like to go out with her to "Kingston Mines" ( blues club) in a couple of weeks.Really made me feel good when she asked me that.
We went to bed , I turned and held her close . She moved close to me and wrapped her leg around mine. I knew then that yes this horrible ride IS worth it and she is too.

Yes the highs on the rollercoaster. Watch for the down times also and "let them ride."

Good that you didn't drink to try to help.

Just keep spending time with your wife. I did a lot with my wife one on one and as a family. I played us up as a family as much as I could without seeming too over so it. County Fairs and such.

Stick to plan A and don't push for sex right now.

Keep up the good work

Get the tickets in advance, and present them to her with a long stemmed rose, and a note telling her how you are looking forward to the "date".

Make the evening as romantic as possible with NO relationship talk, unless she brings it up. Then let HER do most of the talking.

Best wishes,
SD

Got some tickets for arenacross tommorrow night we're all going I think the girls will really get a big kick out of it.

The link below is to a thread I started a couple of years ago when I was pretty close to the point you are at today. I was a bit further along, but I think if you read it, you will get a pretty good insight at to what recovery might bring your way.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...true#Post618045

I hope you find it helpful, if you have time to take a look!
SD

Thanks again SD

You always give me hope.

Just last night wife went out with her girlfriends. I sat around the house and felt sorry for myself again. I was thinking again how I even thought this was worth saving. After so many lies and sneaking around. This OM was the last he has been around for 5 years I have found. Started out as friends playing online games and such. Progressed to messenger chats. Then Messenger chats every day for hours. Right in front of me. The thing is that before this guy there was always a different one. They didn't last long maybe a few months or so. You know flirting on line and such. Our marrital problems began right after the kids were born nearly 11 years ago. Before that we were very close and In love with each other.
After they were born to make ends meet bigger house formula diapers etc. I took a second job. I was working 16 hours a day. For over a year. The problem was that not only was I not there with her or our children. But I also left work and usually stopped at a bar before coming home. Just "to get away from it all" . That went on for about 4 years. When I started coming home and quit the second job I noticed these "other aquiantances" I also continued to drink while I was here , so I really wasn't here.
Well now I have learned to control my bad habit. I haven't had A drink since New Year's eve. Even that night I only had about 4 beers. I am working out again keeping myself well groomed. ETC. Etc.
I know that what led to this was he rliterally being alone. I guess I keep thinking geez how many different guys were there? Maybe she kept moving from guy to guy because none wer elike she wanted me to be. I also wonder if she hasn't left yet because deep down she thinks I can be like the man she married. That seems to help me get over the thoughts of "why so many why didn't I stop this long ago" I also realize that since I was here physically , I was usually drunk and still not really spending time with her as me.
I am just hoping that the reason behind this whole mess was because she really had a deep need for attention and since I wasn't giving it to her she had to fill that void some other way. Thank GOD it was in a virtual world and not actually meeting some guy.
While snooping around I have found a few poems or songs that she wrote. Many relay the messag that her life seemed hopeless, spinning out of control etc. Some are about a girl who wishes she had met this guy before it was too late.
They made me quite upset at first . Today I was still thinkng about them and thought to myself. "Met too late" meaning that she still had a connection however small to me. The life spinning hopelessly out of control, can be attributed to the fact. that she had to sneak around and lie to me to fulfill her needs. I was too obliterated to make a consious decision to be there for her or even to truly realize what was going on. I pretty much left her alone for the past 10 years in one way or another.
I have read the emotional needs questionaire. She still hasn't filled it out so I tried to see where I was lacking.
Guess what ? I believe that I have been filling all of her needs except conversation, recreational companionship,honesty and openness and admiration. What a fool I was those needs are impossible to meet when you are DRUNK! Hopefully I can moderate my drinking and keep this boat afloat long enough for her to see that I can and have been meeting those needs as of late.
I think now that her life must have felt pretty dark and cold without having those needs met. I thank God that the few needs I did fulfill have kept her around long enough to give me a chance to wak my A$$ up and realize what I was doing wrong.

cd..this sounds like a very important turning point in your life. All of us BS's seem to have these single or multiple "aha" moments, where our honest introspection gives us a clear look and how we were as husbands, and why our wives may have felt they needed attention from outside the marriage.

My own marriage was dead, and I didn't know it. I knew it wasn't as good as it should/could have been, but I didn't own up to enough of what was mine to bear.

My Plan A included adding a host of domestic chores around the house to my comtributions, and I POJA'd a "trade" with her, for all the time it saved her from doing what I was now doing, she had to spend time with me, usually a meal out or a movie or some live music somewhere. Basically, back to "dating" a bit like we did when we were courting. That was the time we began to reconnect. As long as I kept up the level of my productivity around the house, life was good.

So, what I'm saying, is you are doing really well. It will still take longer than you'd like for your W to realize she still loves you. The withdrawal period and the period in which she begins to "fall back" in love with you is agonizingly slow, and you simply cannot push it to go any faster. She will "judge" you by your actions. So keep your positive changes highly visible, but don't speak of them or "brag" about how much you've changed.

Pulling for you every day...
SD

The more I read about SD, the more my sitch matches his. From the BH part anyway. I second evey word he said!!!

I had that moment that you are talking about. Mine was about my mother beeing too close to us and my family. Almost trying to live our lives for us.

I had a long talk to my parents and stopped it about 15 day after dday. Things are much better now in that area.

****Please note*****
My wife told me that the only reason she is back in love with me now was my Plan A. My changes and me beeing a better H, F and man.

Stick to your plan and watch the dinking, which I think you are anyway.

Keep to it and it will be worth it one day.

Thanks guys. How sjould I deal with all of these writings of woe and hopelessness of hers. I came across a few of them while snooping. I really don't like this snooping thing. I know she doesn't either. Should I bring up the fact that these poems/songs/diaries not sure what they are exactly bother me. Or just chalk them up to thats how she felt at that particular time and let it go.
I think if I do bring them up it will be more A talk which I promised to end until we are both ready to talk more about it if need be. I know talking about it was upsetting to both of us , and don't want to be the cause of her unhappiness.
These things were all written years ago when I was really a drunk, pretty much the whole time I wasn't at work.Not sure if she still feels the same today.
Another thing....... while snooping to see if she is still IM'ing him. I see that she hasn't e-mailed, or messaged him since nc day #1. I do see though that when I am not around she will set her online status to online. I also see that before I come back she has set the status to away or appear offline. No communication with him but just thinking maybe she hopes he will initiate. I can see that among those times that she changes her status that he too was online. I don't want to be the one who deletes or blocks his name .I think that would just lead her to find an alternate means beyond my detection. I want to see her one day delete him on her own . When she finally realizes that it is over between them. Hopefully after the withdrawl phase.

Let the poems/songs/diaries go. As you say they are old anyway.

You can talk to her about the A some, but use I statements.

Like:

"I'm glad you are no longer talking to OM"

"I want this M to be better than ever"

When you use the "I" statements you are showing how you feel. You are not making DJ on or to her. You are letting her feelings be hers and your feelings be your.

Don't talk all the time about the A,M or R though. Just drive bys as they say

Now since I made the mistake of demanding she end all contact with OM.Is that causing resentment on her part. The other day she told me that she is trying to get to the place that I want her to be. She said it is hard because I forced it. She said that it would have been easier if he would have came online one day and said something to upset her such as "you bit%$ " or if he had ended it. She says it's not like they broke up or anything like that so she is confused. I don't want to "preach" to her or try to teach her that my way is right and hers is wrong. Will she eventually see it for herself? Should I try to talk "sense" into her?
On a more positive note Saturday she told me that I looked very nice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I told her that she did to and thanked her for making me feel good.

This was not a mistake. You had to end the A and she seems to have done that. Good for you. You had to take a stand and you did.



Good, she knows where she needs to be and shes trying. It is hard for her too. Yes, it would have been easier if the OM would have told her off and made her mad at him. Tough chit!! It's over and done (keep watching for contact) and this is where you make it a warm soft place for her.



Good agian that you don't preach to her or try to teach her. You can't teach her right now. You can only tell her how you feel with the I statements, but not too much.



She sees you and thats good. Many WS just live with their spouse and don't actknowledge them much.

Hey, cd...

Man, you look nice today! And I'm glad she noticed, because she's engaging with you, like Believer said. And that's a very good thing.

She's in withdrawal, and it takes time. However, the more time you two spend together doing fun things the quicker and easier she gets through it. Think of her as an addict...right now her every thought is to get a "fix". Oh, she'd feel so much "better" if she could just get that fix. Everything else is secondary right now.

Keep her as busy with you and you possibly can. Invite her to do things you KNOW are things you BOTH enjoyed in the past. If she likes music, take her to concerts, if she likes fine dining, take her to a really nice romantic restaurant...you get the picture. If you are lucky she's into bicycles or hiking, something that requires interactive help like rock climbing. Anyway, you get the drift. Stay busy as he!!, minimize the R talks, and "allow" her to work through the feelings she had for him.

Keep your Taker in check, and your Giver in full throttle. It sucks, that that's how it has to be, for about 2 months of withdrawal. Hang in there!

SD