Well, I did love bust big time yesterday plenty of DJ's and Angry outbursts. I have a hard time remembering that plan A is about fixing myself. I took the contact maybe too personally.I told mywife last night that I was sorry if she thought I overreacted.She apologized to me for hurting me with the contact. Says she didn't think it was that bad, they just talked about how things were going, no I miss you's or anything like that. Again I tried to explain that it wasn't a matter of how long they talked or what they talked about . That it was the fact that the were still in contact. I expressed my concern that she would never "get over him" with continued contact.I really don't think she understands the reason behind NC. I honestly think that she believes I am enforcing NC as a form of punishment. Just need to remember to make myself the best me that I can and hope she will come to realize that this is where she wants to be.

Ask your wife if/when this comes up again how she would feel if it was you still talking to OW.

You and OW are over and done, but you still just want to hear her voice and "see how things are" with her. Your wife should understand this and not think bad about it.

I don't think so.


Don't say this in a rude way.

KEEP LB TO A MIN

Explain how she's killing you with a thousand paper cuts. One cut by itself is not but a short painful distraction, but the pain from all the acts of the infidelity have resulted in a sensitive and vulnerable BS. Now, you are weary and weak from the pain, and each additional contact is yet another cut, and when added to the many you've sustained before, hurts deeper because of your weakened state.

All paraphrased in a non-love busting fashion, of course <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SD

Well, due to my mistrust I stashed a voice recorder in her car.one day 3 phone calls that tore me up. She made a mockery of my attempts to reconcile. will provide details later i gotta run

Time to do a serious evaluation of the boundaries I just wrote about in my previous post (2-19-07).

Sorry to hear about this...(((((chicago dad)))))

Depending on the details, you may want to consider doing another exposure, to those who are closest to you as a couple, and make this more painful for her.

SD

waiting to read the details CD.

I'm also sorry to hear this

I started a new thread with details in it " need help" should I just put it here? aww what the he77 I'll paste it here
I sent this to OM on Monday after I found out they instsnt mesaged each other . I also sent a copy to my wife. She was very unhappy.
Let me know if the content was appropriate.

Found out thru the voice recorder , in a conversation she was having with one of her girlfriends, that she e-mailed him and told him to ignore it. He said he hadn't received anything from me. She tells her friend thank GOD because if Steve had read it he probably would never want anything to do with me again.

Further along in the conversation, my wife says that "Mark" called her today, she has avoided answering his calls because the first one was him calling the wrong number. BUT she talked to him for a while anyway as he is some kind of player type working his charm with any woman willing to listen. Several more times after that, he called her and they talked. She has been avoiding his calls because she thinks it's scary. She tells her freind that he asked her to meet him, she told her friend it was kind of weird that she told him that wouldn't be a good idea right now as she is going through a lot of $hit right now. Then she says she doesn't even know him and he doesn't even know her. That she likes "STEVE" anyway!
She went on to describe the e-mail that I sent. Totally portraying me as a pathetic whimpering idiot. I couldn't hold back, I know that I should have kept it a secret but I asked her about it and of course she denied everything. So I pulled out the recorder and played it for her. I got up put my boots on told her to keep the recorder as a parting gift and said I was leaving.After she tried to pursuade me to stay for 30 mins. or so I kissed her on the forehead and left.

This morning I forwarded this e-mail to his 3 e-mail addy's including the one he has at work from her e-mail account. I am sure he will open them thinking they're from her.
Now I want to call him and confront the situation head on. I will be respectful merely stating my desire to fix our R and basically make sure thathe knows where I stand. Would that be a good idea or not?



Hey,
Thanks a lot for you compassion. Well here we are back to day one. I know of the phone calls since this e-mail. I know what you were doing with my wife in the past. You may think it's harmless fun . I know it's wrong you were having fun with my wife in a manner that is morally inexcusable. I thought that since you have been through a divorce you would be more understanding. Maybe help someone else avoid going thru that pain. In my opinion any continued contact with my wife Samantha means your Emotional Affair with her is on going.
What would you do in my shoes? Give up on your marriage, throw her out? Leave her and never look back? I don't think that any of those are an option. I love and care for Samantha more than you will ever know. I am willing to work thru all of our problems together to restore the love we once had. I firmly believe that we will stay married forever and will do whatever I can to see it thru.
Your continued contact with each other , however innocent it seems sends us backwards in this goal. We have both seen improvement in our life together. I feel that becoming fully commited to each other again is impossible when you are still around. There must be "NO CONTACT" between you forever. Once that is established Samantha and I can work on recovering our marriage . Until that happens any attempt at reconciliation is futile.

Steve,
I know this seems strange but please read my appeal.
I love Samantha more than you can imagine. I am trying to work out the problems in our marriage. I believe your relationship with Samantha is interfering with our efforts to fix our marriage. I also believe your relationship is leading to the destruction of our family. I would appreciate it if you would cease all communtication with Samantha.
I don't know much about you , Samantha says you are a nice guy so, I hope you understand where I am coming from. Once we get through this very painful but neccessary withdrawl phase Samantha and I can concentrate on each others needs. I believe that any further contact will only prolong the pain that we are feeling. I know that you said you wouldn't try to talk to her until she gets things straightened out in her head, I also believe that even seeing your online status will tempt her to chat "one more time" which would put us back to day one of this agony. Please understand that I care for Smantha deeply and don't want to see this pain for any longer than needs be.



With kind regards,
Dwayne

First of all, is there any chance she'd join you in a counseling session with the Harley's? That would be a great start in getting her to see the light.

Secondly, you are being put into a position where she'll continue to abuse you until you won't take it any more.

You are reaching the fork in the road where you have to decide how much more of continued contact you'll accept.

This is about boundaries, your setting them and staying firm with them. This may mean drastic steps...including re-exposure to those closest to you who can be the most influential in getting her to stop all contact. This might mean you have to dig in and go to Plan B, and toss her out, and go dark until you can realistically believe that contact has stopped. There are other options, and you may get some better input on the other thread, but these are the typical actions that must be taken to impress on her the need for NC. Of course there are additional, more drastic steps including filing for legal separation or divorce, but those come after Plan B.

I'm sorry for your pain cd. You've worked really hard, and you deserve success. No one knows how insidious a Wayward IS until they've dealt with one. It sucks. I hope you get some helpful input on the other thread. I'll stay clear of it so you can get fresh voices.

Best wishes,
SD

I second SD's post. Plan B may be growing close.

would me leaving be an effective plan b? should i call this guy or just let it die. I really don't want my wife to be living in squalor. She would barely have enough income for rent.

I would completely cut off all access to OM. Get rid of the internet and her cell phone if you have to. Or at least find a way to block all access to him. Check out all her stuff and throw away any personal info she has. Completely block all access. If she tells you that you're being too controlling, you tell her not to let the door hit her in the [censored] on the way out. Defend and enforce your boundaries. Trust me, I know how to deal with a long distance A. You need to slowly squeeze the life out of it, and cut off all access until it is no longer worth your WW's while to attempt contact. I am afraid if you go to plan B, he will come visit and it will become a PA BEFORE she eventually comes back.

Ok I am staying home. I can't fix anything by leaving. I have taken away her pre-paid cell phone. I signed us up for a family package. I will be able to see detailed bills now.


After our lonnnnnng talk last night. She fell apart, she said she would leave, she doesn't know why she is hurting me, why she cant just let "him" go. She said that she has told her girl friend that she doesn't know why she is doing this to me, that I am probably the best man in the world for her and she can't stop messing it up. I told her that I think she is addicted to the feeling of love and that since she hasn't felt any for me in such a long time, she doesn't want to let the man she loves now, go.
I didn't say one mean thing to her. She called herself a $lut,a wh0re, etc. I calmly asked her to stop doing that, I said I have never thought of you that way. I said it hurts to see her call herself things like that.
I set up an appt. with Jennifer Harley for Tuesday night. My wife is open to the idea. I hope it helps.

Good good good - best thing at this point.

Keep us posted.

Your WW is behaving WAY better than mine. She admits what she is doing is wrong and is trying to stop it. She is an addict, and you are going to have to summon up the fortitude and willpower to make your WW's life a "drug" free zone. Remove all possibilities for her to relapse. Counseling is good because it will help her understand why she is an addict and how to overcome it.

ok so I just called her and let her know the appt. is tuesday night and she sounded uneasy about it. Should I just let any R talk or conversations about what I heard on the voice recorder go unsaid until after The session.

I would. If you can get her to talk to JH on Tuesday then GREAT. If you bring up too much between now and Tuesday then she may back off and not want to talk to Jennifer.

Ride it out for now. Maybe Sunday night you two could make notes and go over what you want to cover with Jennifer.

If your wife seems to want to back out of the call just tell her that you need help understanding this whole sitch. By calling with you it is helping you out. Once on the phone Jennifer is good at working with a WS. It's just getting them on the phone to start with thats hard.

Let things chill until you have the appt. w/Harley's.

She'll waffle back and forth, and don't be surprised if she is a no-show for the phone call.

Follow Jim's advice and purge her life of all means of contact with the OM.

I wouldn't be in any more contact with him, as you are asking him to behave in a gentlemanly fashion, and he's NO gentleman.

Lay low, keep the homefront stable, and go through the counseling session.

Additional confrontations right now will weaken her resolve for the counseling, IMHO.

SD

bump

So ,
"Steve" just replied to my e-mail mentioned above he also cc'd a copy of his reply to my wife. Here's his response

Hi Dwayne,

Yes you are getting through but only as of today. I want you to know I haven't ignored you. I never received your two letters. Although they were properly addressed to me they never made it to my inbox. I have no idea why that happened. In any case, yes, I've read your messages but only just a couple of hours ago and this is the first opportunity I've had to reply. And yes, I understand what you are saying. And with that said I want you to know I will respect your wishes and will have no contact with Sam. I wish the both of you all the best.

Steve



The question is, do I go into her e-mail account and delte it or let her read it and hope that she doesn't try calling him?

Why would you not let her read this? The OM is saying (maybe lying) that he will have NC with your wife!!!!

Keep an eye out for more contact though.