except for the "chasing men off with a baseball bat" part, i think i like her!

mlhb

So...how did dinner go?

Details please.

It...uh...she...um...I...

Where to start?

Before anyone gets too worked up, there was no kissing or cuddling or anything like that.

She was blunt with me: when she first met me, her immediate reaction was "No way. Not my type."

But...

Her relationships with the kind of guy she has always thought of as her type have not been successful. In part this is because these guys have turned out not to have the "mental strength" to handle her. She has typically pushed these guys away or frightened them off.

What she has come to suspect is that I'm the kind of guy who ought to be her type. Instead of "putting up with" certain aspects of who she is, or running away, I came along and admired those aspects. She's been trying to show me who she really is, expecting me to lose interest, and it's been having the opposite effect. So she's shown me more and...I'm even more appreciative. At the same time, she's been seeing certain aspects of who I am that she never expected to find. All of this has had an impact, and by the time I walked into her workplace with her flowers, she was primed to start seeing me in a different way.

So at this point we are both looking at this relationship as having real potential, and are warily asking ourselves "Where's the dealbreaker? There's always a dealbreaker."

But of course there isn't always a dealbreaker. In the interest of expediting the discovery process, she actually offered to write out a list of reasons why I shouldn't be interested in her. I took her up on the offer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

Did I mention that we're both a little...different? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The food was good. The company...wow. Her taste...

Look, I'm trying to find something about this lady that I don't like, or that seems incompatible. It's not my fault if (despite her best efforts) she isn't cooperating.

Her dogs seemed nice, and I was impressed with how she dealt with them.

Oh, and the answer to your next question is: Wednesday.

a list of reasons why you shouldn't be interested in her? hahaha that is a good one.

hmm... i can't say that i think that way about myself. after much work on me, i think i am a pretty darn good catch. but maybe at one time, when my walls were sky high and i didn't want to let anyone in, i could have come up with that list then.

have fun on wednesday.
and you are right, sometimes there are no dealbreakers.. i do believe that.

of course agg is going to come along here and rain on our parade, but i have put in my blonde wisdom for the day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

mlhb

hey gnome, let me know when it gets more serious and you can order her something nice from arbonne..i'll set you up real good! (hey, don't shoot me for getting in a plug for my business once in a while! hehe.. heck, gekko was my first customer! see, that is true like right there.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

See. It was a romantic assignation. You weren’t invited there as a friend at all.
I told you so. And if I didn’t tell you so, I wanted to, but figured I should keep my mouth shut.

I just love it when I'm right about something as nice as this.

Yup, not a problem.


Hmmm... What about this?:


Perhaps I am projecting, but this does hit a bit of a sore spot for me. It reminds me of a lady (I am using the term loosely) I met, who, I found out later, had the same initial reaction. But she was fascinated by all the other, supposedly deeper and more important qualities I had to offer, so she did not want to let me go all that easily. So she kept seeing me for over a month; me thinking I met the woman of my dreams, her (it turned out) hoping to fall for me but never getting there. It ended up being ugly.

The fact that your date has been blunt is a bonus, to be sure. OTOH, I would not let that comment go all too easily. In what way are you not her "normal" type? Did she tell you?

Having said all that, I think this all sounds very good, Gnome. I am happy for you, and I hope you do sweep her off her feet. Should be an easy task, now that the dogs are smitten, right?

Just be a little careful, and even though I know you said it tongue in cheek, believe me, there will be things about her that are not perfect, you just need to find them. Once you get the rose colored glasses off, you will see them. But for now, why bother? Just enjoy the glow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

I don't know, AGG. I didn't think M was "my type" at first. But we went out, and I liked him. We went out a couple more times, and I thought "Hmm, maybe this could be my new type 'cause I like him a lot." Now look at me. I'm mushy about him.

That whole "my type" thing has to be vetted out. I honestly feel that most people have one - and it morphs depending on life at that moment. My X had a type -- and it was the OM - that didn't work out for anyone...

IMHO, a "type" is a fantasy that is real attractive when all else isn't up to par - something to covet. But, chemically produced by internal juju. Addictive even...

It's actually nice not to be someone's type but to fall in love safely - gradually - over time. Your type is not hype.

Yet, we are insanely driven by instant gratification. Our "type."

AGG, your point about not glossing over her "Not my type" comment is well taken. I know she's still struggling with this; she recognizes that pursuing a relationship with me would demand not only a shift in how she sees herself, but also a shift in how others see her. And as much as she doesn't want that to bother her, it somewhat does. (That doesn't mean she would be embarrassed about me; it's just that she doesn't know how people will react when they see her acting against what they have come to understand as her type.) She knows her concerns aren't really rational (and that those who really know her are more likely to be supportive than otherwise) but she's smart enough to understand that her feelings have their effect anyway.

She gave me her list of reasons why I shouldn't be interested in her (along with an addendum that she hoped I still would be <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ), and we talked about them. We also talked about the reasons why she shouldn't be interested in me. (And we talked about a whole bunch of other things; I'm afraid GG's 10-hour limit for the week has already been exceeded. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> ) We found no dealbreakers (our biggest fears turned out to be non-issues), but we did identify reasons to be cautious. (It is one thing to say - and believe - that something won't be a problem; it is another thing to prove it out in real situations.)

We are both feeling attraction now (i.e. this is not a case where her head is trying to persuade her heart), and we are both cautiously hopeful. But neither of us sees any reason to rush into anything. We are not, for example, "going exclusive."

gosh, i am feeling all mushy inside <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

you go gnome!

i love this

mlhb

Since we are all friends here, can you be a bit more clear as to what this struggle and "shift from norm" is about? It sounds like it's not a question of physical attraction (which would have been my biggest concern, because those are the hardest to overcome) - so what is it?


Hmm, the mystery is deafening <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. What, she likes the biker types and you don't fit the mold? Come on, spill!


Excellent! Did she say this to you?

BTW, just to clarify - I find myself in a somewhat similar situation, so I am curious how yours progresses. My date from two weeks ago has basically said that she has not dated guys like me; she always went for the Type A loud mouth big shot lawyer types (she is an attorney as well, but without any of the other traits mentioned). And so she said that this (i.e. me) would be a departure - though she recognizes that she was not compatible with any of them, so perhaps a nice quiet gentle guy (uh, me), who is much more like her, would be a better match. So you see, there is some similarity.

So, I do not worry. I know that if she wants the loud mouths, she can have them, I am not planning to compete. If it turns out that she is more interested in the "status" or "loudness" than a compatibility, well, maybe that explaines why she never got married. And if she is truly as smart as I think she is, then we'll know what she's do, don't we?

Anyway, enough about me. My point is that I do understand the "out of norm" concern, and it is fine to go with things and see. I would have only been concerned if she was totally unattracted to you physically, because that is a very high handicap to recover from, IMO.

Good luck tomorrow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Try to kiss already, will ya???

AGG

Now just one minute AGG. You didn't think we'd forgotten about NMNK dog woman did you? Why just this morning I was hoping I'd remember to ask about her when I got a chance to post.

So, when is your next date & are the dogs going too?

Gnome, kiss her, kiss her, kiss her...

Then report back!

Thanks for asking nams <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Not much to report at this point; we had a nice 2 hour phone date on Saturday, it is so easy and nice to talk to her. I do like that.


This weekend <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I dunno about the dog, it depends on what we do. If it's the museum, then no <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, if we hang drywall, then sure!

AGG

Well...her "type" is along the lines of the ruggedly athletic outdoorsman, whereas I am more of a...gentleman scholar, I guess. Actually, as her best friend pointed out to her, what she really seemed to think she wanted was someone who was a meld of both. This being not the most common of combinations, she's been going primarily with the rugged type (which actually was probably her most reasonable option, considering that minds capable of matching hers have got to be rare indeed).

Now I am not sedentary, but my BMI is near the low end of what is considered healthy, and I move more like a gazelle than a lion. This lady is in very nice shape, but despite being five inches taller, I only outweigh her by about ten pounds. She is a strong woman with a strong personality, and I simply do not project an aura of strength.

But looks can be deceiving, as she has discovered. Some strengths are more hidden yet more significant than others. And as scholars go, I am by no means a bad-looking guy (and so modest too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ). So yes, she did tell me that she is (now) attracted to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Still, ingrained images are hard to shake.

As far as the kissing goes...the problem is, I'm convinced that if I kiss her, I'm a goner. Bye bye objectivity. Hello mad crazy passion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Yup, that's what I figured, and it mirrors me pretty well.


True. Still, don't you find it a bit odd that she would worry that much about what her friends think about her not being with Arnold? Are they that shallow?

IOW, I can see friends' raised eyebrows when a conservative person dates someone with tattoos; but it's a bit surprising if the same concern remains for body type - unless she and all her friends are avid bodybuilders?


And the problem is???

AGG

Kiss her. If you wait much longer it will become awkard.

For some inexplicable reason, I have a sudden unbidden vision of a paint roller tray, a Corgi strapped to the end of a pole, and...uh...

Quick Tact Check (say that five times real fast): Is it wise to mention this kind of image to a self-professed dog lover? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

I'm grossly over-simplifying here, but...there are several "worlds" in which she operates, but to which she has never really felt she belongs. She has interests which are not typically combined in the same person, and a way of seeing things which is unconventional in those worlds. This is something I can understand very well, since I am exactly the same way; and one of the most remarkable things about our situation is the amount of overlap amongst our multiple sets of interests (along with an astonishing congruence in our unconventionality).

However, it is a bit difficult to be in a world and not of it - never being able to fully identify with it, because it is only one facet of your complex character. You look for ways to feel accepted into that world's community. To her outdoorsy friends, bringing someone in who talks like a scholar is calling attention to the fact that her world is not entirely the same as theirs. It exacerbates the feeling of being an outsider.

So, no, I don't really find it odd.

GG...thanks. I've been taking the similar recommendations as a kind of teasing encouragement, but this has really given me pause for thought.

I guess I don't understand the 'type thing...

It sounds like the two of you are more rounded than most of your friends..which is a good thing, because it gives you a larger friendship base in order to do things.

My husband is both a gentleman and rugged..he's just as comfortable in a suit as he is wearing jeans camping..what it boils down to is he is confident in who he is as a person..as it sounds like you are..

And that is probably what this lady friend isn't used too, you don't feel a need to compete and do the 'one up man' or have the need to 'prove' yourself as being someone, that most other men have a need to do.