chick's<BR>you sound just like me. We are supposed to be happy because they are here? We feel guilty for grieving and having bad thoughts. Doesn't work that way does it? If you figure out what to do please let me know. I'm feeling really defeated right now. And that makes me feel weak.<BR>"Safe" is the word of the day. I need to feel safe.<BR>Heck, The physical affair was over in March but the lies continued til August. (the lies that I know about). How do you ever feel safe.<BR>So much to grieve. I think they moved the light at the end of the tunnel!!!

HI All, I received the workbook and am slowly reading it. When I scanned chapter 7, I became quite concerned. <BR>First, it is my personality not to grieve, not to be soft. Therefore my grieving was too limited initially. Afterall, I had to maintain the status quo, right? I had a rep and needed to make sure that though I was devastated, all knew that it was just a momentary setback. Nothing for more than a day or two. That forced me into hiding to grieve....one cannot really cry and be seen, so it meant a few tears in the bathroom, a few in the shower, a few in the middle of the night. <BR>Did not work....what worked was giving myself the permission to scream, yell, cry, and wail. I finally did that. It is healing...it takes a long time. A wimper in the middle of the night just simply was not 'it' for me.<BR>Why did I need permission to grieve when I could always give that to others? Maybe I am thinking too much today!! Yes-it hurts!

cl<BR>So are you letting yourself grieve now?<BR>You want to send me some of that strength?<BR>I am very confused right now. i want the grieving to end but I keep having new things pop in. Is it because of no closure?<BR>I tlked to a friend the other day. She's been at this three years since separation and says she's starting to see some light. She can't afford to file for divorce. She is skin and bones. I don't think she's looking like she is getting through. <BR>bad day for me to be posting I think!!!!

No, WS, a good day to be posting.<P>I read somewhere about grieving. I am the type of person that skips this process, and I end up with residual hostility and lack of compassion as a result. Not the person I normally am, but I guess I've resorted to doing this as kind of an insulator to pain, sort of a way to build a wall.<P>To start taking that wall down - one brick at a time, I have to force myself to cry. I have become soooo good at putting my feelings on the shelf, that I need to force myself to take it down and cry.<P>I start by getting on my pity pot, and getting so angry and then finally I start crying. I have to do this alone, and at special times, because if I don't - someone will commit me to an institution..... <P>But grieving is really important to letting go, and grieving the "old marriage, and predictability in the relationship" is something that is healthy.

hi ws, I will always have a little place in my heart for grieving the loss of my marriage. It was a big part of me, of who I thought I was. But no, I am not actively grieving the loss. I feel that I am done with that now. If need be, there is that little place I saved, safe from all else that I can go back to and not feel the least bit guilty. Somehow it has turned into sort of a haven of good memories? <BR>I am like tnt in this way. I skipped the step, so had to go back! Thought I did it, but felt I did not. WS, it could be that you need to feel all of it to grieve and accept it? You have a place were you keep your pain and you need to look at these things you have stored there, let yourselfgrieve, and find the closure you need.<BR>I am not real sure that I am describing this well!! Partly because I am not sure how it happens and partly because my head was so screwed up that I may have misinterpreted what was going on! <BR>You have the strength and the knowledge ws!!

Ladies<BR>I can't follow my own advise. I know the answers but won't do it.<BR>Remedial again!

cl, ws, trustntruth...be back tomorrow. Personally I think this grieving is so important. cl, that was a great idea, a private little place to revisit when necessary. Hopefully there will be a point in life not to revisit every day.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13<p>[This message has been edited by Faith Hope Love (edited October 19, 1999).]

The Student requested these, but everyone is welcome to revisit!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Steps 4 and 5 are killing me. Step 4, because infidelity has received alot of press this past year or so. Everyone came out of the closet with how unforgiveable Clinton is/was. Of course, hearing this as the casual observer didn't make me feel tons better. I still don't give myself any credit for confessing and doing whatever else I did to try to save my marriage. My infidelity pretty much outshines everything I tried to do after the fact. <P>Lots of people believe this too (that infidelity is unforgiveable and that an adulterer should burn in hell forever). Once more, the finger of "these are just the consequences" is pointed again. I have no problems experiencing grief. My problem is being able to function during a normal day without it. So, I need to say one more time "my ex-H's abuse and divorce are not the natural consequences". There.