Keep doing these things that are light in nature and not too overly romanced at this point. It seems like a WS can handle only so much at a time.

More good advice. Thanks. I see that it does take time. It seems that by this approach it got her to start opening up to me. The worst part is not knowing how she's feeling inside. It felt so good for her to actually start to open up and talk to me. I know that I have to just accept the amount she wants to tell me and not demand more from her. Progress is good!

I am seeing a counselor. I will try to work with her on my anger and my jabs. It really does no good to jab I guess. I apologized to my W for all the jabs. I told her that I really don't know why I do them or what I really get out of it. Thanks for responding to my posts! Keep the great advice coming!!

RIGHT ON

Here is a tit bit that Marsh gave me.

When your wife is talking to you, listen to her and repeat back a line or two. Do this word for word.

Mrs Rock "I am having a bad day today"

Rock " I understand, you are having a bad day. Is there anything I could do to help?"


your wife will feel like you are there listening to her and getting it.

** I did this with my wife and still do. It works great and now I do it naturally. ***

Well, I bought SAA last night. What little I read actually depressed me. It made me wonder if the A is really over. How does one really know?
I also found out that my W is still hiding her drinking habit. I guess that's a whole different issue that I have to deal with. I did say a few sarcastic remarks last night when I found the empty bottle, then I left for my hockey league without saying goodbye.
I am still struggling quite a bit with my thoughts and triggers. I really don't ever see myself getting through the pain of those thoughts. We will see I guess.
Jim

I need some more advice. I question myself and how I handled things when I first found out. I made no demands. There was no exposure. One thing that bugs me now is she never went and got tested for stds. I am going for some labwork tomorrow. Why would it be so hard for her to go and do that? Part of me wishes that I caught something so she would maybe feel bad. Should I demand it? Is it too late yet? (D-Day was Oct 8) She says that she will not go see our doctor because I went and saw our doctor and told her about the A.

Post deleted by rockbottom06

Chin up, soldier.

If she doesn't want to go to that doctor anymore, then get another doctor. She needs to be tested. Just because you didn't contract it yet, doesn't mean you won't. Give those letters and proof to someone you trust for safekeeping. Put it in one of those fire-proof safe boxes, and keep the key. DO NOT CONTINUE TO READ AND DWELL ON IT. You need to quit fretty about your relationship and get out of the way of healing. It will take a long time. However, you still need to enact and enforce your marital boundaries. This includes NC and STD testing. She doesn't want to get tested, tough [censored]. She has to accept the consequences of her actions. Don't LB, but be firm and let her know it is not an option.

Thanks man. I needed that. I just want to know that someday she will realize all the pain that she has caused me. Maybe she has, I don't know. I really don't know what I really expect. Do I expect her to come crawling on her knees and begging for forgivenes.. I don't know. That would be nice though. I know that I have to learn to stop all my LBs. I just don't want this to be swept under the rug. I don't want it to. Sigh.

RB, YES, Make her get tested.

We went for testing in July, blood work. Four months later, STD not detected in blood work showed up on FWH. Dec. 23, I found it on me. I have to say, it has set me back some as now I have a physical manifestation of his disgusting A on MY body.

Get tested. Drag her to the doctor if you have to for HER to get tested.

Thanks. I will make sure she does even if I have to drag her. I actually just went in and gave some blood at the lab today for it (among other things). I told her that I never thought that I would have to be tested for std. I was hoping to lay some guilt on her I guess. That didn't work. I just hate that it might turn into a big conflict. I guess it's worth it for health sake. Why wouldn't she just want to get it done? I wish we could just look at the A for what it was and deal with it together. She is just keeping it all inside like it's no big deal. I think.

#1 get rid of the damn letters!!!

#2 don't write her a letter. You can't teach someone in her frame of mind. That will come later in a lesser way.

#3 YOUR OLD MARRIAGE IS DEAD!!! You will never be able to (or want to) go back to that marriage. You make a new one with your new found wife.

You need to help her as much as it hurts or goes against the way you feel, but it is the fastest way to reach your goal.

More later

rock wrote:
Why wouldn't she just want to get it done? I wish we could just look at the A for what it was and deal with it together. She is just keeping it all inside like it's no big deal. I think.

M2L:

She thinks that the A was wonderful and loving, therefore, clean. OM would not be dirty in any way. Give it more time. You said dday was Oct 8or so. This is still new and needs time to play out

It is hard a nickels to do plan A and not get anything from your WS. The thoughts I had:
- Why can't my wife see the A as it is - a sick marriage killer

- When will she wake up from this fog?

- does she know the things she says to me about OM are killing me?

-What the he)) happened to my world and my wife.

These are all normal thoughts you have, but you need to keep your nose down and keep up the hard work.

Thanks M2L. I guess it has only been 3 months now. I'm just impatient I guess. I just figured that maybe enough fog lifted that I could actually talk to her all about the A as two clear thinking adults. I will keep on trying to do the right thing. I must sound like a mess to you all.

rock,

Please remember that your wife will come and go with the fog. Some days good and some not so good. It is normal for this to happen. It will get better as time moves on. I kow it's slow, but it moves on.

Sound like a mess? Well, what should someone sound like when their world was blown up? Don't worry about it and keep coming back here with updates

It's definately a roller coaster ride. You are right, one day it seems the fog has lifted and things are fine and the next day the fog rolls back in.
Thanks for the support. I really don't know how I could have gotten this far without all of everyone's great support and advise. Thanks!!

Here's today's excitement. Let me know if you think I did the wrong thing. Back in the "my story" part of this post. You might recall me telling you all about the guy at the gym who showed my wife pictures of himself and then getting into an EA with my W. Well, I know one of the owners of the gym and I respect him. I thought it would be the right thing to do to let him know what had happened involving his co-owner and my wife. Mostly because I wanted to expose to him what his fellow employee was doing. It was definately wrong. So I told him and I also said that I didn't want to hurt his business in any way. He thanked me and assured me that action would be taken. So after a few weeks I checked and I guess nothing had been done as far as discipline. I then took it upon myself to write a personal letter to this ofending employee along with a couple pictures I copied from the discs that I found that showed him in it.
I just wanted to let him know that I know what he did and to tell him that what he did was wrong. I felt pretty good about it and this was going to be the end of it.
Well, I geti nto work this morning and there is a threatening note from him to me telling me that he is fileing a police report and if I make any contact with him again that he can get me for slander or something.
Also in his letter, he told me that it was my wife that threw herself at him and initiated everything. (which my wife denies). Needless to say I was so shook up that I had to leave work and here I am. I talked to my wife and she assured me that it was him who started it all. I am choosing to believe her. Anyway, I'm a mess right now. Just thought I'd share.
I still feel that I did the right thing.

Is he married? I think I would send the stuff to his wife.

No, he's not married. I hate the fact that my W even gave this time the time of day. He's such a jerk.

He's so full of [censored] it is quirting out his ears. Don't be intimidated by him. If he ever approaches you again, just direct him to your lawyer.

On a side note, it might be helpful to your situation that he completely threw your WW under the bus.

What do you mean?