Hey Rock,

This all seems normal speed. Your wife is giving what she can right now and you want more. Sure you do, I did at this stage also. Eveyone wants the WS to come around very fast and almost beg for forgiveness. BUUUUT it doesn't happen that way and you are seeing that.

This is the part where your taker is getting a wink or hug and wants soooo much more. You will have to keep him in check for a while more and (hard part here) keep meeting your wife's EN as best you can. This is the part that worked for me. My wife told me after she came around that the two things that blew the fog off where my changes (plan A) and me meeting her needs more than I ever have.

3 things to be working on:

1. Keep up meeting your wife's EN

2. Keep your taker in check. In doing this you can do things for yourself such as a new hobby or (you already go to the gym) swimming. Anything to help you out.

3. Spend the 15 hours or more with you wife. Time to reconnect.


You are still doing better than you may think. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, man, I needed that.

So you're saying to just be a good guy,fill the EN, and just be patient, right?

Rock your right on track.

I posted the same thing as you did with your new title. Mine was at about 5 months into Plan A.

Keep your taker on hold and meet all her EN that you can.

I would try to get out and do diff things with my wife. Try that. Auto shows, plays, dancing on ice shows - just something new. Anything to spend time with her.

How is her drinking?

Rock,

I went and found my post from last Aug. Here it is, the title anyway: Search back and read it if you care to.


Re: "why is this so maddening??? $%$%$" [Re: headnorth]
#3071612 - 08/02/06 12:31

RB,

I found the best way to keep my Taker in check was to stay aware of my choices, self-congratulate...give myself warranted admiration, appreciation, attention...acceptance.

You can do this.

LA

Thanks M2L and LA. I will search your old thread and read it. You must look at me and see a little of yourself huh? As far as the drinking goes, she has not had a drink since that last incident where I caught her which I think was a few weeks ago. If she is, she's really hiding it well. I'm keeping my eyes open!

Glad to hear about the drinking.

I see you have the same questions I had. It was much easier to hear that what I was doing and feeling was normal. I think you are right on track as I said before.


Remember, this will take longer to get thru than you want it to, but it is worth it in the end.

pulling for you

I.m having a hard time finding your old post. I will keep trying. Thanks for all your help. Every day is a battle.

I was wondering if I went about this all wrong from the start. Should I have exposed her A to some people. I know that the A is over and there is NC, but I just feel that since she had nobody that she had to "own up to" that it's easier for her to just sweep this under the rug. SHould I have told others, like say her mother, or did I do it right by not telling anyone???

I think that everyone has their own O on this one. If the A is over and NC is still happening I don't care how it happened just that it did.

Rock, your wife still has you to own up to and more than that she has herself. If Rock dies today (sorry about that)she would still have herself forever to come to terms with what she did.

I can see you want more from her and want it now!! This takes time. This was the hardest part for me. The waiting for my wife to help with our M and meet any/some of my EN.

It gets better as the days go by.

I just think that maybe if I would have exposed it to more people who are close to us that maybe things would be moving along a little faster now.

Rock,

Who knows about it and who doesn't?

If the affair is over and there is NC, then I would not advise any more exposure.

Rock,

Does the OBS know? Has no contact been established....even at work? Is she accountable for her time and money?

There was no OBS. I know that I am just being impatient. I want the quick fix. She walks around like everything is just fine and she admits that she just wants to sweep it under the rug and not have to deal with it. Still waiting for some fog to lift I guess. I know that I seem to be in a much better situation than a lot of others here. So I guess I should just be happy. I'm still trying to be the good Plan A guy and trying to cut down on the LB. I hope someday my WW will become a FWW.
Rock

First - don't belittle your sitch against other peoples. You have your own issue and they have theirs. Yours count too.

Put yourself in your wife's mind. "Hey, the A was new, fresh, fun and I could be my own new self with the OM. Now it's over and I miss that, but I am still M to Rock. OH yeah, Rock. He is a good guy over all, a few problems in our M, but hey I still feel love for him, just not on love with him b/c I miss that "in love" feeling with OM. What do I do, how do I feel? My life is so messed up right now. WTF?"

Good chance your wife is about there somewhere. With you in Plan A, being a good H and spending the 15 min hours a week having fun and doing things with her, without R, A or M talk, you are building your side up at the same time OM is fadding away in her mind.

This is where it takes time. I have never been a WS, but i can guess it would mess up my mind and take me lots of time to get right again.

The easiest way for her to deal with it is to sweep it under the rug. That is only for now thought Rock. You will be able to deal with the details when she is "back" in the M fully and out of the fog. Without the sweeping of it under the rug it would all be too much for her to handle at one time.

Keep your nose down and keep the Plan A up.

Thanks M2L.
The thing is that I don't believe that she ever felt that she "loved" any of the OMs.. It seems that it was strictly physical. I think. I can't ever figure it out.
I am a FWH. To be honest I don't remember every detail about my recovery. I know one thing though, I never had to go through withdrawals. I wanted out and was actually releived when I got busted. I think that I try and compare her post A feelings to mine. Thanks again M2L. I can always count on you to give me some good advice. I need you to slap me now and then.

Rock:

How long ago was your A?

And what concrete steps did you take after that to insure your marital recovery?

I "loved" my OW enough to hang around for 4.5 years. I wanted out, but was a big chicken. Spoke with DW yesterday about this very issue.

And it is never "strictly physical" Because then, why wouldn't she just call a male prostitute to service her "physical needs"

Since you were Wayward once, you should know why she went the route she did. Because it is in you, just like me.

OM or in our case OW, give us something we are missing in our life. Sometimes it is very difficult to admit, even to ourselves, what was missing.

Because if you can never get to admitting what you really need, you really can not move down the road to recovery.

I will hang around to debate/challenge if you like. Let me know.

LG

My A was 12 years ago. When I got busted I knew that I wanted to save my marriage. My wife told me that if I wanted to stay in my marriage that I had to do a few things. I would have jumped through flaming hoops for her. She said I had to go to MC, so I did. She told me that I had to expose it to a few select people, which I did. I had to account for any time that I was away, which I did. I thought that I was doing the right thing and things were going well. She never really came out and said that she forgave me, but I could accept that. I've been so racked with guilt that I don't think I deserved to be forgiven anyway.
Actually in my latest IC, my counselor has told me that I have to try and forgive myself because that is kind of getting in the way of being the good person that I can be. Or something like that. It's holding me back.
About three years after my D-day we lost our son who was five days old due to a heart defect. I don't know if that had anything to do with what might have happened in our recovery. I don't know. I thought that it would have maybe drawn us closer.
As far as my A goes. I see it as it was me getting my ego stroked by the OW. I knew that it wasn't going anywhere. It was just me being selfish. Getting some attention on the side. I never meant for it to happen though. Sometimes I try to figure it out. To me my W seemed to fill every EN I needed. I don't know what EN that the OW was giving me that my W wasn't. I'm not sure.
I asked my WW if this was a revenge thing and she told me no.