You owe him nothing and I mean nothing. He brought this upon him self and he needs to live with the consequences of his actions. His wife needs to know in order to work on their M. You are just about as guilty by not telling her. Who knows maybe OMW will make him quit the job and the that problem is then solved.



How nice that they stopped b/c of the guilt. Really good people. What did they learn of it? That moving on to another A is fine and fun? I wouldn't buy that if you gave me a dollar.


This should not be left open to "what to think". Your wife should leave not doubts about it in your mind.



Most of the time I say let time pass before you really talk at depth about the A and M. I would say that in this case you two need to talk about all of them (A)and I mean yours to Rock. Way too much dirty laundry between you two right now. It's like an elphant in the living room and nobody wants to talk about it.

A. I know I owe him nothing. He told me that he owes me. I am still not going to let anyone know.

B. I don't know what, if anything was learned. My W told me that the incident sparked her interest and her quest for an affair. That is the only lesson that I think was learned.

C. This comes back to our communication problem. I would love to discuss some things like that. Sometimes I try but she just gets all defensive and it turns into an argument.

D. See above.

He said that he owes you - right??? So he can step down or ask for a trans to another area...nudge nudge <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

This is what MC is for. Find a good MC or use the Harleys. You recovery will get stuck in the mud until you learn how to communicate and get through this. I mean this is the nicest way possible.

I don't know. I guess I do wonder what my w thinks of this guy. A guy who hits on married women with children. I just don't want any trouble. I never asked for any of this. If there was anyone I would like to see get in trouble it would be OM#2, the guy who threatened me with a lawsuit. If he was married I would surely be telling his wife. My w really picked some winners. Anyway, OM#3 was single, well he told my wife that he had a girlfriend but they had an "open" relationship, lol. I could have maybe caused a stir at his place of employment, being that he met her there to have sex after hours. Ugh, I didn't deserve this.

I guess I should watch what I say so I don't scare mrsrock away from here. This is supposed to be for the two of us and I really want her to stick around and get to meet and get some words of wisdom from everyone here.

The Mrs should start her own thread and the two of you stay out of each others that way.

I would love that, but I think that she doesn't think that there is anything to say about anything. I dunno.

I am sorry but you obviously do not understand "my work" You just can't ask for a transfer. It is not like we have several plants located around town. It is the Federal Government. With out going into too much detail, we work in an area where you just can't move whenever you want or need to. There has to be an available position at your pay level in the same area of government that you work. I am done beating this issue to death. There is nothing more that can be done about this one. Both MRR and I understand the situation and you asking about OM1 asking for a transfer is just not realistic in this situation. I have to admit that all this talk about us moving and having people change jobs is just unrealistic. Sometimes people have to just deal with things like adults and not "run away" from the situation. After MRR A, it took me about a year or a year and a half. But I made a decision for myself that I had to stop hating. Plus I was not going to let this person dictate where I was going to live or shop. We were moving to a street that was really close to theirs. So I made the decision to contact her and talk with her and regain our friendship before the 4 of us got together. So there are times when you just have to deal with situations head on. I hope this does not anger anyone, but you do not know our lives or our situations. I know you are just giving advise, and stating your opinions (which you are entitled to) but this situation is one that can not be changed. I can avoid OM3, which is what I want and should do and I will hopefully never see OM2 again in my life. So you can go ahead and yell at me if you want, but I had to post to this thread to hopefully help you all understand the situation.

Mrs. R

You are probably right. I should start a thread somewhere else and stay out of his way. That really helps with communication. But this site is for him and not for me. I thought I would come here because he asked me to. I did it to let him know that I am committed to our marriage. But thus far all I have gotten is upset, which makes me post things that I probably shouldn't. So I will find a thread of my own.

Well Rock,

I think she has lots to say and ask. Here approach to things is not really melding with yours and you two do have communications issues. So her issues and yours are probably not the same, although hopefully your goals are the same.

A separate post could be addressed to the issues she has in the marriage, while yours addresses your issues.

Please think about it.

God Bless,

JL

Oh no no no - this site is to build M. It's not just for BS.

There are many people here that were WW and a few WH also. Please start your own thread and if needed I can help call out FWW that were in your shoes.

Please don't stop asking your own questions.

About the OM in your office - it is your choice and you life, you are right. I just don't think I could work with a former EA partner and I wouldn't expect my wife to feel fine with it. Also - I don't feel hurt by your words, believe me I have heard much worse.

I see nothing wrong with your posts. We are in agreement about your job. That is not even an issue with us.

MrsRock,

You are not upsetting anyone. However, what has been suggested is found to work best for some couples. We have had many couples post here. Some post on each other's threads, and some find it better to keep a little separation. It is really your call,by that I mean yours and Rocks.

Here is something that you need to understand. I have a favorite saying If we are to give Mr. Rock the best advice, we really need to hear your point of view. If you have questions and issues, it is best if we hear Mr. Rock's point of view.

You are absolutely correct you are getting advice and opinions from all of us. But, you will also come to realize that your marriage is what we are trying to help you two rebuild. And that may include even revisiting issues left over from Mr. Rock's affair. I get the idea that having affairs is NOT something you think is alright, yet you have had 3. This suggests that something very fundamental is askew in your own mind about things, because you have violated your OWN boundaries, and hurt yourself...nevermind Mr. Rock.

If we could help in anything it is probably discussing the WHY's of this. You see Mr. Rock needs to know how to help this marriage and you, and he cannot until he understands in his own way the WHY. You cannot protect yourself very effectively unless you understand WHY as well.

Just some thoughts. Please remain, ask lots of questions and feel free to query us intensely about anything you are confused about or just don't agree with.

God Bless,

JL

Wonderful advice JL. I am very excited about the possibilities here. Thanks for the support.
Rock

Mrs. Rock, we are only here to help. We want you and Mr. Rock to have a happy M. Obviously, you two weren't having a great M pre-A. Obviously you two didn't learn how to protect and nurture your M after Mr. Rock's previous A. We are here to help you prevent this from ever happening again. Please don't get defensive. You need to let your defenses down, and really think about and talk about the subject. I know it's a painful subject that you would rather just forget about and move on, but you need to go back an analyze why it happened and what could have been done to prevent it to make sure that your M is protected in the future. We all need to learn from our mistakes, and part of that is sitting down and thinking and talking about them. Obviously this was not done after Mr. Rock's A. Obviously, you don't want to quit your job. I'm not saying that you have to, Dr. Harley just advises it. What I am saying is that you need to use the POJA to determine what Mr. Rock wants instead of just unilaterally saying I won't leave my job. Come to a solution that you both enthusiastically agree about. Otherwise mistrust and resentment will build up and negatively affect your M.

Let your defenses down and talk about your situation. How did you get there, how will you improve it. Sweeping this thing under the rug will get you nowhere but in the same situation again. Please learn from your mistakes and build a happy M for the both of you.

Thank you all for your continued support. MrsRock is welcome to post here anytime. I hope that she even takes the initiative to start her own thread too where I know that she will get the support that she needs as well.
I am just so happy that she posted here so far. I seemed to already have learned some things from her posts.
I feel that this is a good start in our healing process.
JL, your post and advice makes so much sense.(yours too Jim) I hope that mrsrock takes it to heart. Thank you all again and I hope that we can continue some good stuff in the days to come.

Rock - I missed Mrs. Rock today, and I'm sorry. Somehow I also missed that you lost a son. That may be a BIG reason for many of your problems. After the death of a child, something like 80% of marriages end. So the two of you have quite a battle. I'm very sorry that it happened to your family.

I'm encouraged by Mrs. Rock posting. I also work for the federal gov, and while it can be difficult to transfer, it is not impossible. Of course you know that there needs to be no contact between your wife and OM. She doesn't understand how hurtful it is to you and the marriage. But she is still new to this.

Funny, that sounds just like what my WW said after D-Day. And they kept working together. And the affair started up again (or never really stopped).

[quote]Rock - I missed Mrs. Rock today, and I'm sorry. Somehow I also missed that you lost a son. That may be a BIG reason for many of your problems. After the death of a child, something like 80% of marriages end. So the two of you have quite a battle. I'm very sorry that it happened to your family.

I'm encouraged by Mrs. Rock posting. I also work for the federal gov, and while it can be difficult to transfer, it is not impossible. Of course you know that there needs to be no contact between your wife and OM. She doesn't understand how hurtful it is to you and the marriage. But she is still new to this. [/quote

I know that the death of a child can destroy a marriage. I can see that. I thought back when he died that it would have brought us closer together. Maybe the opposite happened. I know that my wife still has a heck of a time dealing with his death. We are far apart as far as healing from that event. I know that we did everything we could for our son to make it, but it was not meant to be. I also find comfort in my faith. I know that my son is in a better place and that I will see him again someday.
My wife has also had to deal with her father disowning her. It's been a rough past few years.
I hope that she will open her own thread and maybe address some of those issues.
As far as her job goes and changing anything, that isn't going to happen so could we please just drop it.