Good points, frozen. Thanks for the reminder:

I cant "make" her. I can only present what I think is the best situation for our family, and have her make up her own mind on what she thinks is best.

It's difficult to come up with a way to present the ideas on this, in ways that dont come across as controlling, or whatever. That's why I was posting asking for help.

Mrs. Techie,

Your behavior is modeled after one of your students.

You will have to upright yourself and take control of this M of yours because Techie will not step up and be the leader for his family.

So, whilst you cake eat extraordinaire, please develop and implement a PLAN B of your own. This is what it will probably take for Techie to get all the truths of your situation out and face reality.

I realize that it’s not uncommon for a WS to implement their own Plan B before and during a planned divorce because they don’t want to have their party ruined.

An embittered D will make even the greatest of conflict avoiders face the music and fight. It’s that or flush their own lives down the drain in perpetual servitude to the WS while they eat mound upon mound of cake until the youngest of offspring has reached majority age.

Sounds like a real bargain for the BS.

Plank recommends to the BS that at this point they arm themselves to the teeth with the most aggressive lawyer they can find and establish an absolute boundary of modified contact with the WS; otherwise known as PLAN B.

Plan B and the affects of the D will bring certain ownership of the decision to abandon the S and family to full effect on the WS (stick) while establishing terms for marital reconciliation (carrot).

I heard Mr. Harley advise this exact technique on MB radio yesterday, so it’s not from some idiotic oaf, but a top expert in the field of reconciliation.

In this situation Mrs. Techie, Plan B by you could cause your H to wake up and smell the coffee.

Techie,

You withheld vital information when counseling with Steve? For what purposes?

Nevermind answering, Techie. I suspect I know why, to avoid him recommending you go to Plan B.

As Mrs. W stated, it makes no sense that you would go to someone for help and choose NOT to reveal EVERYTHING about it.

Jo's question is an important one.

Why didn't you?

It makes me question the idea that help to recover your M was what you really wanted.

~ Marsh

Techie,
As much as it would greatly benefit you to totally come clean to your counselor... it is not hard to understand why you might have done this. It took a long time for me to come clean to my counselor as I was embarassed that those things had happened... and honestly, I didn't want yet another person saying to me.. why are you staying with her? So, I know there are "clean" motivations for not telling everything all at once... but you really need to do this as it is for the good of your marriage.
In addition.... it seems from the flippant comments that you are getting from many here that you are hesitant to go into Plan B.... is that correct.. and if so, why?

Bwhahahahahahahah

*wiping tears away from eyes*

MEDC - you really do need to read his other threads.

LOL

I'm not sure about the intention of tear part of your response...

as far as reading his other threads... I figure if Techie chooses to answer the question as to how he is feeling now it might give me a better insight...plus, it is faster than reading all those threads.

Howdy MEDC,

Hope you can you help me out. What do you mean by "clean"?

Honestly MEDC your question about Plan B had me in tears of laughter. You would not appreciate this unless you read his other thread.

Hi.
Clean would be that his motivations are good. His motives for not telling the IC everything have been questioned... and I know first hand that he can have the best motivations in the world and still do the wrong thing.
Hope that clears it up.

I have a question for you BK... I like you and respect you... but I am confused. There seems to be a standard on these boards that applies to some and not to others. I have been accused in the past of slamming people (although more times than not I will stick by my words and intent including a recent thread with IP) and have been asked to leave a thread if I have nothing positive to add to it (according to those that are disagreeing with my positions). I am just wondering why the attacks on this person rather than just leaving the thread to those that wish to speak to him. I am certain there is much that I do not know about his situation and perhaps I will reach the point where I would be critical of his actions or motivations... but again... there seems to be a double standard around these boards of late. If you have a large group of people supporting your position... feel free to express it in any manner you choose. Otherwise... don't dare disagree with the established "leaders" on these boards.

MEDC - The situation with Techie is clear cut. This thread is a total farce. You woul dknow that if you bothered to read anything else he has written.

Personally, I am happy to ignore Techie but unfortunately he has taken it upon himself to offer incredibly bad anti MB advice to a few other posters. MB doesn't apply to him or his situation it seems.

He has emailed posters asking them to edit their posts if he doesn't like the contents. Techie is different to normal posters who would normally be ignored for these reasons.

I have barely posted to him on his threads MEDC because I do have nothing to offer. As I said THIS thread and his previous one are a farce and that is the only reason I am posting.

gotcha

"Why didn't you? [reveal everything to your counsellor?]"

Because I swore to her that I would never tell anyone about that part of her. And I keep my promises.

It should be obvious, then, to the few people who are honestly trying to help me, that if I wont reveal that stuff to a counsellor, who has pretty much guaranteed privacy.. that there's no way I would tell that stuff on this board, which has only a very vague and non-guaranteed sense of privacy.

I'm sure there are people who might respond, "but you need to break your word, this is more important!"

Cant do that. To me, that's equivalent to the same level WS's use: "yes, I gave my word to be faithful, but this is more important! I'm REALLY 'in love' this time!"

I gave my word.

[PS to MEDC: why not plan B? there are many reasons; read the top parts of my "no plan B" thread if you want the long ones. but the shortest, simplest one is: Because Steve H said not to. you might think that would be enough for folks. but apparently not.]

Techie,

I understand your choice not to reveal it on a message board.

But, how about asking SH if he thinks he can give you good advice if you are holding something back from him?

~ Marsh

S.H. has said specifically, even without the "extra information", that he is specifically AGAINST plan B, in my situation.

I just editted my post, please re-read it.

~ Marsh

ok, read it. doesnt change anything, though, so dont see the point in asking him. We'd have to play silly games about poking around what KIND of information I cant tell him, blah blah blah.

He works with partial information all the time. For example, if a WS talks to him and only gives him half the story. Or if for example, a WS only gives their BS half the story. Gotta work with what you have, and do the best with it that you can.

Even if I were to break my word and tell him, it wouldnt change anything. it reeealy doesnt make plan B any more beneficial. Just the opposite, I think. About the only thing he could tell me to do differently, would be "wow, just give up now". ha ha.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Bah. that's all I want to say about that. I feel sad enough about things as it is, that I dont think there's any hope. I'm still going to try to do what I can, following Steve's advice as-is, to try to keep communication with my wife open, to discuss what a good marriage for us could look like. But I dont feel like there's much chance she will take the talks seriously.

I'd love to be proven wrong by her, though.

One of our boys told me this morning that he misses [being a family with all of us together]. I told him, "I do too".

Techie ... and you call yourself a "techie". Good grief.

Not unlike you, I assume an engineer, Steve requires all relative info about your situation in order to make an informed assessment thereby counseling you on an action plan.

You know this. AND you have written about it on another thread where you have stated you require all the info before you make an important decision.

Personally I believe you are trying, yet again, to control the situation by omitting the info to Steve about your wife.

You're doing your marriage a disservice, sir.