ah. gotcha.

quite true. agreeing to something, will not in itself change desires.

My hope was that she would agree to try something for a while, and decide after truely trying it for a few months, whether it was desirable for the longer term.

techie:

I was busy all day 2day, so I just saw your post 2 me. I don't think I need 2 elaborate, after seeing the continued dialog between you and noodle.

You're getting it.

-ol 2long

Random blog entry.

Sunday night, she came over to pick up the kids, and stayed to eat this time.
She asked me for the kids friday evening, for a "rehersal dinner" for her cousin getting married this saturday. Tried to claim we had agreed to it. I said we had not. guess we'll have to chat about that more, about what time she's willing to trade, or whether she'll just let me keep em after all.

she said she's very stressed... over the wedding in part. I offered her a back rub/massage. She accepted. I'm wondering when and if she'll start refusing them. She got a bit wierd about it in san diego, and gave the impression that she might finally start distancing herself in that area again. Buutt... apparently not yet.

My response to her divorce petition was sent off to my lawyers. her lawyer will probably get served tomorrow (tues).
I didnt roll over and agree to everything she filed. Although I eventually decided to only ask for "joint", rather than "primary" physical custody. Was pretty durn tempted to go for primary sometimes. (way back in july when she actually filed the paperwork, she asked for primary physical. Aint no way, no how.)
So, wednesday night's pickup should be "interesting".

We both filed for joint legal custody, so that should be set in stone now.

Wow.. it's wierd, but my appetite has been back with a vengence lately.
I'm a 5'6" guy, and i've dwindled down to just under 130 pounds. been trying to eat 3 meals a day to maintain, etc, etc.
Half the time, I've been having one of those "ensure plus" drinks for breakfast. supposed to help "maintain or build weight". quick, easy, and tastes good to a sweet tooth.

lately, I've been having a snickers bar a day, between meals, at work.

Today, I'm on my SECOND one.
I thought I had a reasonable sized lunch, but maybe it was too light on the meat portion. looked that way.

usually, I have one, and then I'm good for a while.
But I just wolfed it down.. and I'm still hungry. ha ha.

It probably helped that I just went for a 2 mile walk with a collegue as well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rrrrr... hungry.... want more, but better hold off somehow for a few more hours until "real" dinner.....


(oh, of course... I was walking all around disneyland yesterday with my children, as well!! hurray for excercise!)

apparently, she only got a copy of my response to her petition yesterday, in the mail. (her lawyer got it probably tuesday).

Now comes the bickering, i guess.

she started to talk about it last night, asking me questions about what I marked. Then suddenly said she felt sick talking about it, and wanted to do something else.
That makes two of us.
Interestingly, we ended up doing something together online for a while. mainly because her other friends were busy, it would seem. But she was the one who ended up inviting me.

wierd situation.

I'm debating whether or not to redecorate "our" house a little. Nothing major... its just that some parts are kinda 'bare', and could do with a little touchup.

normally, my wife wanted complete control of practically everything in the house. i wasn't always happy with what she chose.

Time to put up some of "my" stuff? or, leave as-is?

as far as my wife's feelings go... she has made some rather negative statements about the house, about how it has bad memories, of her feeling "trapped", etc, etc. (so maybe change is good?)
But on the flip side, she'll probably hate whatever I do with it. so it's kind of a lose-lose situation.

thoughts?

Why not put a little 'Techie' into your home. It's okay, and may be therapeutic for you, and give you some time to yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks right now, and if you hate it and want to change it again--HERE'S THE BEAUTY--you can. Easy peasy Japaneasy...

Tough day of waiting for me today.

Wife said a few days ago, that she "might" go see a movie with me tonight. "but no promises".

This would be the first thing we've done solely together, without children, since she moved out.

She came over for "dinner and pick up" last night, for our usual wednesday special. and was "feeling sick" then (although she still ate. but threw up afterwards i think)

She hasn't picked a movie, and said that if she is "feeling sick" again tonight, she wont go.
The probabilities point to her staying indoors, and doing something online with someone else tonight.

It would be wonderful if she decided to see one with me tonight. But I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high, to just have them smashed again. ugh.

blah. 2 and a half hours more to to, until i call her and get turned down. unless the unlikely event happens that she calls me to let me know she's going to come tonight.

would be a nice change of pace. neither of us have been to a non-"kid" movie in a very long time.

What were you thinking of seeing?
Lake

doesnt really matter what. she used to like seeing "suspense" things, so I emailed her a list of potential movies and asked if any of them interested her. that was yesterday morning.

but... she just called and cancelled. This time with an unexpected reason: "her aunt's in the hospital, and her grandmother(mother of her aunt) isnt feeling well", so she doesnt want to go anywhere tonight.

she replied to my email, with 2 selections out of my 6 suggestions ".. i guess if I had to choose".
I suggested a reschedule... but I think i'm pushing things too hard.
I need to get better at learning when to back off. sigh.

patience for this, is hard for me.
i guess one way is to simply not bring it up "directly".
i'm pretty sure she wont read my reply for at least a day, if at all.
sigh.

well... I didnt back off.. I went for the other, "big" thing: asking her again about the marriage builders weekend. Did it today,because 1 week in advance, for reasonable airfare.

Got the expected response, after an "appropriate" pause...
"I'm not ready for that"
then she went off about how psychologists are useless, and she knows how little it takes to get a psych degree, etc, etc., she's too smart for all that stuff, etc.
I pointed out she's done almost nothing active, to even attempt to recover our marriage, and this would be a good thing to at least LOOK and DISCUSS some plans we MIGHT take.
she got all huffy about "how can you say I did nothing", and then of course hung up so I didnt get to respond.

I guess she'll call her lawyer now, to speed things up, just like the other times i've "dared" to confront her.

Of course she doesn't want to go. It would expose all her fantasy world for what it is. Then she would have to admit what bad choices she has made.

Shame on you for even suggesting such a thing to do together. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

uuuuggghhhhh... hurting pretty badly today.

reached out to her again... tried to confront her gently in email about her, shall we say, "behaviour that parallels what Mulan has had to deal with a lot".

She reacted by being more explicit on game forum about her enjoyment talking with OM#3 more than anyone else, rather than reply to me so far.
Doesnt look good about seeing a reply.
Gloves finally off for her? (ironically, for the man that she has the least in common with: 6 years younger, difference race, I dont think any family values...)

I think that you will find...for a passive agressive...

The gloves are NEVER off...and never really on either.

well, she claims that

1. it was a coincidence she wrote about that today.
(it was part of a social "get to know each other" survey. but it's rotten that she just happened to reply today)

2. she's been reading my email a few times, and "letting it sink in slowly".

It WAS fairly long. 100 lines or so.
Says she will "probably" reply tomorrow on her break.

My email to her, fyi, was asking her to choose to have discussions with me in a more direct manner; to chose to examine potential solutions to problems, rather than sidestepping them to bring up more problems. I confronted her about the specific methods she's been deflecting me

Guess I'll see whether she's still in the same old "pretend to answer soon but never actually answer" evasion pattern tomorrow.

late update.. she did actually answer. Trouble was, I bugged her. so she ended up replying, at kinda the worst possible time. In the middle of a long online gaming session with OM#3.
There was going to be a GREAT time to reply: in her lunch break at work.
but, power was out, and computers mostly unusable that day. crazy.

Nothing concretely positive in her email. mostly pissy.
Among other things, she gave me the "i need time, and space" line.
oh well.

I say give her what she wants. Its called Plan B.......

She's not giving you anything...

I know we've been there before.

My thought for FWIW.

Techie-

Why did you think that her reply would have been any different now from what it would have been back when you first started posting here?

Nothing has changed in your situation. She's still doing exactly what she wants to, with no repercussions or pressure on her to modify her behavior. There's no reason for her to do anything different...nothing that's making her current situation uncomfortable for her. Nothing to clearly show her that changing would make her life better.

Without that, there's no reason for her to start doing anything different.