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2long,
I've got spare time, doncha know...with the every other weekend child free. I have to admit, it is nice to have time to meself...
MM,
If there are any specific threads that you have in mind, that would be helpful...otherwise, I'll just keep on lookin...
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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I can just hear Steve's voice and am feeling soothed.
He is WONDERFUL!!
God Bless you and Mrs. Mortarman..again as you have been such a blessing to me Mortarman...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Mortarman - Back on July 31st you posted the following: Too many people do not understand what repentence means. My wife was never repentent...never. Sure, she might say she was sorry. But sorrow isnt enough. Repentence is threefold:
* Expressing sorrow and asking for forgiveness from God and from the person(s) they transgressed against;
* Turn back to the right way, as God has outlined;
* Make amends for their sin.
Without all three, it is just smoke...just fog. And I, just like many on here, have little patience for that. For the WS that truly wants to "get it," then all of the grace and mercy in the world should be shown. Today you posted: Anyway…I have gone long here…but I wanted you to get the flavor of what happened because this was a complete change in the dynamic between us. Before I left Wednesday night…while crying…she told me for the first time in the whole 4 year ordeal…that she was sorry for hurting me.
More than anything folks…more than even the possibility of our marriage making it…I needed that apology. She apologized for all the hurt…including me hurting from her telling me about the nightmares.
So, I do believe this is finally the point where we will be able to head into a true recovery. She “gets it.” (((((Mortarman))))) God is gracious to His children. The Lord's timing. Waiting on the Lord. Remember Joseph? "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good," if you'll pardon a poor paraphrase. Romans 8:28 being worked out in your own life is an amazing thing to see, feel, and live through. And the best is yet to come! I remember the first tentative steps my wife took toward recovery, toward surrendering to God. I remember the many "backward steps" along the way. I remember God teaching me the meaning of "patience" and "forgiveness" and "love as Christ loves the church." There will be "bumps," MM. God is there for the "bumps" and leads the way through the winding forest road, bumps and all. About a month ago my wife told me that she still doesn't know how I did it (stayed, forgave, and continued to love and live with her). She said that had it been her who was the BS she didn't think that she could have done it, but that she was so grateful that I did. I told her that there really wasn't any great "mystery" to it. I did it because I love her and that I believe my vows to her. I did it because God helped me, because she is right in the sense that I probably couldn't have done it without God's help. And I told her that none of us "thinks we could do it" before we are faced with the reality of having to choose; for God, for the one we love, or for self. I told her just a couple of days ago, as we were talking again, that sometimes God makes us "wait" longer than we would choose to wait, because He has "unfinished business" with us. For me, it was to prepare me TO be able to handle the reality of the affair by handling it WITH God and not on my own (I had not been walking very closely with God). It took 6 years because of ME, because once we reached the crisis point, God lead her back, not as fast as either of us would have liked (looking back with 20/20 hindsight). The path back to the "fold" was long but God lead the way surely and inexhorably, continuing to teach us along the way. So when your wife tells you that she doesn't know how you could forgive her or even rebuild a marriage with her, tell her that it's because you aren't doing it alone. Tell her that you were forgiven first. Tell her that despite the very real hurts and pain, you love her as Christ loved you. God bless, and continued prayers that God's Will will be worked out in both of your lives.
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Mortarman,
You have always given of yourself so freely and generously to others on this forum.
I am so happy for your latest news.
Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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MM,
I'll second the WOW. Sounds like the fog is lifting for Mrs MM. Sounds like she's beginning to realize she's blessed, if she can forgive herself and allow herself to be blessed.
Best wishes and thank you for the update.
V/r,
No way
BS (me) 44
FWW 41
M 18 yrs
FWW in LTA, Dday Jan 2005
K - S15 & D12
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Thanks for this! I didnt forget about your post.Just wanted adequate time to go thru it. Mortarman…
I realize that you have no idea who I am and Although I have a great marriage I read here often for ideas and for the benefit of friends who have fell victim to the evils and selfishness of infidelity. In reading here the last three and a half years I have only posted once before (a link to an article) as I feel because I have not suffered the same injustices and sadness that most here experience I have nothing to offer in the way of advice to them so I read stories and pray that many here gain the peace of mind that I have been blessed with. And we all do appreciate that! Philippians 4:6 & 7 talks about us not being anxious over anything but by prayer and supplication we let our petitions be made known to God. I can’t imagine that in your very dark Plan B you did not continually supplicate God for not only peace of mind but the gift of one day having your family back with some sense of normalcy. By definition the word supplicate means to make a humble and earnest petition; to pray humbly. I know by reading your last few years’ worth of posts that this is something that you have mastered and for that I salute you. Thanks. Yes, this was one of the things I learned over the years. This whole trial has taught me tremendous patience in the Lord. And yes...even this fall as I started moving forward toward a new life...there was always that prayer...that thought...of if the Lord would come through for our family and marriage. I couldnt see it...ad was prepared for the worst. But I didnt get in the way of Him possibly turning this around. The second half of that scripture in Philippians (vs. 7) says that the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your heart and your mental powers by means of the Christ. I know you have been blessed with this peace because of you desire and willingness to forgive. This has explained why even though this has gone on for years...and my wife has done little to fill my love bank...it is why my bank never fully depleted. The Lord had protected it! There is no other reason. I am not by nature a judgmental person however I find myself being righteously indignant toward the wandering wives and husbands that use the excuse of me me me to justify the crime of adultery be it emotional or physical. I could never see myself recovering from that kind of betrayal when I starting reading here a few years ago. My wife and I have had endless discussions on the subject and I read everything I could put my hands on about the topic so that I would be the most informed man I knew on the subject. She grew weary of my seeming fascination with the topic even though it was teaching me what not to do in a marriage. She did appreciate however the educational tools provided here to deal with emotional needs. Those questionnaires are fantastic. I have never been victim of infidelity but that is no reason not to fill them out and discuss them in detail. They have only improved an already blessed union. Yes. I have always advocated that people need to know thes principles BEFORE they get married! The book of Hosea (Chapters 1-3) details a story of infidelity almost too sickening to talk about. The prophet Hosea endured a horrible marriage to a woman who not only was unfaithful with numerous men but became pregnant with their children, continued to be unfaithful and chased longingly after these despicable men who no longer wanted her as they knew she was a ******. Despite all of this he purchased her back from slavery and adultery for 15 pieces of silver and some grain. Her real adultery is likened to the adultery of the Nation of Israel in their worship to false Gods. Through all of that God showed the nation mercy and Hosea followed his lead and bought his wife back even though she was no where near worthy or deserving of his mercy. That is how I feel about unfaithful mates; they should recognize their sins and return to their mates if the betrayed mate is willing to have them back. Malachi 2:15 & 16 says that God hates a divorcing although he does provide a way out of marriage for the innocent mate (Matthew 19: 8 & 9). If at all possible God desires the situation to be worked out. Unfortunately the wandering mate is often too selfish and “fogged” out to recognize their sins. This world we live in encourages the “me first” approach to life and that has destroyed the moral fiber of our nation in corrupting the second greatest gift God has provided next to life and that is the marital union. The entertainment world makes a mockery of it and our youth are told that to experiment with sex before marriage is what they ought to do. I am not here to judge others or to preach my beliefs however that attitude has got our society nowhere. No argument here. Although I know nothing about her at all except what you have posted here Mrs. Mortarman reminds me of the scripture at Proverbs 18:1. In isolating herself from her husband and her family she sought her own selfish longing. Now she has awoken to the lonely harsh reality that infidelity causes it seems to be pushing her back to her family and most important her husband. Genesis 2:22-24 makes the ultimate of statements when it says “a man will leave his mother and father and stick to his wife, the two will become one flesh”. Both of you now have this opportunity. I admire your willingness to forgive and attempt to forget for the sake of your family and the former (and hopefully future) love of your life. You are a hero and role model to many here in so many ways and for that I am sure they are grateful and appreciative. I am sure you will one day be a spokesman for Steve Harley at one of his conventions but until then continue diligently with your prayer and supplication to the almighty one! I appreciate what the Lord has done with this mess. And who He has turned me into. That He allows me to help others also in this mess is an honor. Thank you. I am including my e-mail address as I have something I would like to send to you… melloblkmon@yahoo.comIf you choose to send me an address or PO. box that is fine, if not that is ok as well. It is just a book that I think would be helpful in your continued recovery and I wanted to give it to you as a gift. I pray to never to have to walk the roads and fight the battles you have had to, but if I ever did it is good to know that there is a place where help and support can be found. I will continue to read here daily and to pray for the peace of mind that others here constantly strive after. Please keep us posted on the victory that I feel will soon be yours! 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Agape’ Melloblkmon Thank you! Instead of me emailing you at first, as my email tends to end up on spam listings, let me give you my email and you can start the ball rolling. It is Mortar29@yahoo.comAnd thanks for your thoughts and prayers!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Just had an interesting note. Last night, I was dropping the kids' Christmas gifts off at her house. For the first time, she invited me inside. As I was leaving, she came up and gave me a hug and laid her head on my chest and just sat there for about a minute. She then said "I'm tired." Not in a way, like "I'm tired, I need sleep." But just an "I'm tired" that says "I'm tired of running." Sounds like her knee bending to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> HTW I believe so!!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Mortarman - Merry Christmas!!!!
I do not hang out here much any more. I am working toward moving on.
Sounds like things could turn out cool for you and your family. Very, very cool!
Baby steps!!! (what movie is that from? Does it have Steve Martin?)
I have a custody hearing in February. I look forward to getting through this.
You have been one of my main guides. You deserve a successful recovery, IMHO.
My prayers for you, brother. Baby steps. Don't look a gift horse. Wait till you see the whites of their eyes.
My XW would have to do a lot to prove she was worthy of being my mate again.
Your's has a lot of work ahead of her. I will pray for you both.
With respect- foundareason FAR, Thanks. I know your situation turned out kinda tough. But please keep us updated on all of it. In the end...the Lord will have His will!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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((Mortarman))
Wanted you to know I was thinking about you, and keeping you in my prayers.
I was so uplifted hearing that your ws is yearning to be held safely in your arms, as it should be. I understand what she must be feeling, being weary and wanting to be held and comforted.
You are doing an awesome job. Hang in there.
k.d.'s heartbreak Thanks KD!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Whew. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> Wow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Ditto!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Healingbird...thanks. As always, prayers are going out for your situation also. The Lord is working there!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Weaver...finally got a chance to get to your questions... Wow! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I'm so happy for all of you.
Couple of questions MM, since I hadn't read your thread lately.
Were you starting to be OK (somewhat at peace) without her? Yes...so much so that I was completely calm and already making new plans. I was actually at a point of contentment. Plan B is GREAT!! Did you do a lot of work on yourself after she left this time? Absolutely!! In a lot of areas. One thing my wife told me tonight was that one of the things she began to notice during all of this, but especially since the custody hearings this last summer, was my level of involvement with the kids. She said I had them almost every weekend and I always was engaged in what they were doing...always had something for them to do. In her words...she said that was "hot." Were you starting to move on emotionally? Yes. Very much so. So much so that I had finally begu entertainingthe thought of being with someone else. I began to open myself up to being out, talking with people. While this all went on, I really steeled myself to having any interaction with the opposite sex. Well, this fall, I began to let myself interact more...see if the old Mortarman charm was still there. So, the short answer is "yes." How did you treat her and what was your attitude after the separation when you did see her? Always business like. Never more than enough words to take care of business. Always with the tone that I would have talked to a person in the military as...you know...monotone and with no emotion. I was in Plan B. so, for 95% of the time, we did not speak. We sent text messages or we wrote. That was it. I know that you are owning up to what you own, and wanted some of the other left behind BS's to read what you have to say in this department. Sure. Even though we didnt ask for this...BSs need to understand that we also need to improve. It is what my wife said tonight...that the guy I was before the affair...and the guy I was during the affair...both of those guys are gone. She said she liked this guy!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> I had a lot of compassion for your WW as you probably could tell, her being a military wife during wartime being the biggest stress factor I think, but not the only. I have always said it is harder on the soldier's wife than it is on the soldier! Thanks again Weaver!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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I'm asking because there was something there that made her feel safe in approaching you.
AND
There was a reason she wanted to in the first place.
I'm interested in what those two things were. Of course I know you have kids together, had a strong bond and all the rest that goes with a long term marriage but those are not the only things which brought her back (before it was too late). I asked her that tonight. Actually, she brought it up. She said she was asking herself the same question. said she wasnt quite sure what it was that made her want to get up and call me. So, we dont really know yet. I personally think the Lord just finally got through and she heard His voice. But, we'll see what we find out as counseling goes on. We have another session with Steve on Wednesday. And the funny thing is...she said tonight as we were out at the grocery store...that she totally sees what the MB principles do and she says she now feels they are 100% correct. Quite a long way that lady has come!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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MM,
It is a long journey isn't it? But, it seems as if your journey is leading you into a desirable direction. Has Mrs. MM commented on her journey? Does she see it for what it is...a learning experience?
MM it soooo good to see this change of events.
God Bless,
JL Thanks JL. Yes, she has actually commented on this and we are beginning to discuss a lot of it. I bought her a necklace for Christmas that is called the Journey...and also a picture book to put photos in that has the title "Our Journey." That really hit her! She said tonight that she cant believe it has been 14 years...but that deep down, it has always felt like I was right there with her. The journey. I told her that I felt the same...and that our journey brought us here. That this is where we are at...good or bad...this is where we begin again. JL, remember early on in this...when I said that once divorced, that I would move on immediately and never consider her again? Remember you counseled me that I should not close that door as that I had no idea what the future held. You were right. It has been a long, strange trip indeed!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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SilentLucidity...sorry. I am working on finding them all and getting links to them. Especially the main ones. I will have them up soon!
And thanks 2Long...of course you know me all too well!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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I can just hear Steve's voice and am feeling soothed.
He is WONDERFUL!!
God Bless you and Mrs. Mortarman..again as you have been such a blessing to me Mortarman... Steve is the man!!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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ForeverHers,
Thank you for reminding me of that. And yes...I have finally seen the tears of repentence. The Lord has even spoke to me this weekend to tell me that this is what I have waited so long for.
It is incredible! Like I said in an earlier post tonight...when we talked this evening, she was talking about before...and about how she got here now...and not sure how it happened. Almost like an alien jumped out of her in October and she stood their scratching her head wondering how she got there.
The Fog (the Devil's lies) can be very thick. But they could not endure.
Thanks again FH.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Mortarman,
You have always given of yourself so freely and generously to others on this forum.
I am so happy for your latest news.
Alph. Thank you Alph.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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MM,
I'll second the WOW. Sounds like the fog is lifting for Mrs MM. Sounds like she's beginning to realize she's blessed, if she can forgive herself and allow herself to be blessed.
Best wishes and thank you for the update.
V/r,
No way Thanks. And yes...it does appear that the Fog has finally given way!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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The Pastor said tonight in his message:
There is POWER in the name of Jesus Christ.
Divorced on 3/25/2008 but I have primary legal and physical custody of my 2 kids. Plan A Thread Plan B ThreadEphesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
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