Some have. Many because they needed to be!!


Sure. you know, one time, a WS came on here wanting us to "understand" why she was doing what she was. Know what we did? Well, when we realized she wasnt interested in MB, we directed her to GloryB web site, which is a pro-adultery web site.


All true! And we do that. But we also knwo that many come here not willing to do the hard work. That they end up spinning everyone's wheels. That they arent serious. They seek justification...both WSs and BSs.


But, as I said JM, the bashing just doesnt happen that often. Not right off the bat, as you say. Sure, there have been the exceptions. But not the rule! If you notice..you most often see one of the first posts saying something like: "Welcome! Sorry you have to be here, but glad you are here. Please read up on all you can on the web site about the principles here and someone will be along shortly to help." And then we ask what their situation is. Then we delve deeper as we find out certain things.

And then we help them come up with a plan! That is almost always what happens here, JM.

Where the "butt kicking" comes in is when, for instance, a BS says "but I am afraid if I expose, she will end our marriage for good." Now, we UNDERSTAND the fear...we have been there. We also understand that a hug and a "poor guy" isnt gonna help him get up off that couch and do the exposure he needs to do. What he needs is a "listen dude...you need to man up, get off your hiney and get out there and do what you have to to save this marriage. Which means you need to expose NOW."

This was just one example, but I know you get what I am saying.

So, I guess what I am saying is that this "bashing" you are talking about just doesnt happen much here.

I have tried to run off a few people myownself... but I failed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> and they are STILL here despite my efforts to venomize them !

what'up'wid'dat?

(that was a joke by the way)
I wanted to add an observation

the scrappiness that takes place here is OFTEN useful marriage skill training

if someone cannot stand up and speak for themselves without running like a rabbit >>> from issues discussed ON A MESSAGE BOARD

they are likely to be conflict avoiders in their real life

I like it when people stand up to me
I trust people who are willing to do that

it is really great when someone who was formally weak and timid finds their true voice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ...

I try to run off affair-promoters ... they suck! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

And yes, there are many paths. This site is promoting one of them! so, yes...you would expect "group think" concerning MB principles here! That is a no-duh!!


But as I said, I have rarely seen a 2x4 thrown around here on someone's first post!


Again, I cant think of one time I have read where a poster got 2x4ed on their first post. So, hard to wrap my mind around this, JM.

Well there seem to be some here that do agree with me.

And yes you cannot justify the actions or affairs, but those who are trying to do so would not stop if they got a 2x4 or pillow upside their head.

Again, it would be better to embrace and keep them posting and let them undestand the principles of MB or whatever marriage building philosophy than running them off to never post again.

Who wants to go into a church filled with guilt and be told how bad they are? I don't want to turn this into a religious debate, but I can if you want.

I'm not saying 2x4 are bad. Just hold off until the person is willing to take them or until there is a trust built up.

-Pepper
****I try to run off affair-promoters ... they suck!

I agree. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-Mort
There have seemed to be others who have agreed with me. Where this is smoke there is fire. I don't see it happen everytime, but enough to lead me to post this and others to agree.

If you feel it is impossible not to bash with the MB philosophy at least throw in some humor or an appreciation to the person for looking for answers.

And yes it is obvious that this forum would promote MB (that's how all these sites make $$ but that another subject). The group think I speak of is not buying in to a marriage building thought...it is more of "I'm right You're wrong!" type of group think.

Well, I will respond as one who is frequently perceived as a 2 x 4 approach person.
The only reason I am on these boards at this point is to help others. I do not subscribe to the group think and will frequently bash heads with people that I respect and trust... I just may not feel their advice is correct at times. I have no problem saying so. I also have NO problem bashing an active WS... but only after trying to convince him/her to come clean and start down a path... not THE path... to recovery.
I would never jump on someone after their first post. There are some people on these boards that do not have great intentions. I ran into them when I first got here... but I can tell you it is pretty easy to figure that stuff out.
MB is not the only way to handle things. Yes, there are some on this board that get irate when anyone questions the standard way of doing things. I like to follow the ideals and sometimes tweak the details if needed. An understanding of your own life is something I always try and point people towards... then the MB ideals may have a better chance of succeeding.
You have brought up some interesting points and these types of questions do come up frequently... but they serve their purpose.

Quote:



And yes you cannot justify the actions or affairs, but those who are trying to do so would not stop if they got a 2x4 or pillow upside their head.

Again, it would be better to embrace and keep them posting and let them undestand the principles of MB or whatever marriage building philosophy than running them off to never post again.





NO ONE has the power to run off anyone else ... except the mods ... who don't have that power either ... but they can recommend someone be banned

NO ONE gets run off without their permission

see? simple as a lemon pie


INGREDIENTS
1 (9 inch) pie shell
2 cups white sugar
1/2 cup butter, softened
5 eggs, beaten
1 cup milk
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon cornmeal
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
3 tablespoons lemon zest
DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
In a large mixing bowl, cream together sugar and butter or margarine until light and fluffy. Beat in eggs and milk. Add flour, cornmeal, lemon juice, and lemon rind. Mix until smooth. Pour mixture into pastry shell.
Bake in preheated oven for 35 to 40 minutes, until set in center.

Sure.


Sure.


This is where you are wrong, JM. For instance, if a person comes on here justifying and even promoting an affair and not here to find out to save and build their marriage, then havign them stick around does damage to other posters...ESPECIALLY new ones!! There is limited time here. Everyone has jobs and lives to get to but volunteer to be here to help. We will not waste our time with those that are not serious. It is triage. But we certainly will defend this site and boards from those that are opposed to its constructs. We believe it works and has helped too many people to let some come in and destroy it. We believe the MB principles to be the truth. And thus we defend that.


Precisely my point, JM. You arent gonna walk into a Christian church and have a pastor say "well, its okay if you believe in Allah." If that person wants to come in and be disruptive to those that truly do want to know Jesus, then it is encumbent on the church leadership and members to show that person the door!!


No one is WILLING to take a 2x4. They get them when NEEDED. For the most part!!

"Again, I cant think of one time I have read where a poster got 2x4ed on their first post. So, hard to wrap my mind around this, JM."

Mortarman - Actually, it happened to someone posting here on their first post. Trust me.

I know it has, Believer. Some have told me about them...I jsut havent read it before. As I said, I know that these things have happened...but I havent seen them.

They are the exception...not the rule! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

- mkeverydaycnt
That's cool. I think you are right. You can sift through things and figure it all out, but you and I are at the point where we WANT to fix our marriage. The newbie posters maybe and probably are on the fence.

- pepper

Lemon pie?? I like your lighthearted vield posts, but come on. Besides I'm more of an apple pie guy.

Yes free will. People can post all they want, but if they get bashed right off the bat they will not. That is not a good thing. Isn't it better to have the sinners in church than in the streets?

- Mort
****They are the exception...not the rule!

Well it happens enough that this thread is still alive. If not I would be talking to the wind.

is this techie with a new name?

Nah, this ain't techie. Though I have read those posts.

nope

this thread is alive because we like to argue

NOT because this is a legitimate subject

*doh*

Pep

JM,

The response to your thread is because most of us dont want new posters to get the idea that they are gonna get 2x4ed when they finally post. By bringing this out like this, it makes it look like it is this huge problem here. And thus, if not put in its right perspective, then new posters may become wary!

So, we are just trying to put your post in perspective. That's all.

HA. I like you pep. Humor is a wonderful thing. God knows it has helped me.

But you see, some would say that Pep is being "nasty."

Oh wait a minute...

Are you being nasty Pep? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I am also cautiously stepping in here...

There is no doubt that "cliques" are strong on this board. That's what inevitably happens when a large group of people get together. People pat each other on the back for good posts and jump in to defend their friends if someone disagrees.

Newbies don't have "friends" yet, so they seem vulnerable.

I agree with Jokerman- everyone should take the advice here with a grain of salt. This is a public forum afterall, and will always be imperfect.

But, there are some WONDERFUL people in this forum. I am so glad I came here. The good definitely outweighs the bad. New posters, if motivated to read even 10 threads, will see the possibilities that exist here.

I firmly believe in the power of dissent <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Just as there will always be cliques, there will also be fresh voices to keep the discussions interesting and helpful. Thank you Jokerman for raising the topic. And thank you also Mortarman et al for helping me through a very difficult time in my life!

**** edited for political correctness; thank you for your healthy and respectful dissention ablocke!

Mort-
Well that is a good point. I assume you frequent this board much more than I do. I am subject to being myopic, but you are subject to being too familiar.

Again, I do not think it happens all the time. There is some GREAT advice given here as well on other boards. But there are some well intentioned people who are doing more harm than good. Though you may feel I am one of them now since I disagree with you.

I have no problem with a BS being on the fence. When a WS comes here on the fence AND has not informed their spouse of their actions... they frankly deserve the 2 x 4's if they do not get honest in very short order.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

speaking of 2X4's to 'da'haid

how's your butt doing after that "kicking" I recently gave you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

you see... I recently gave Mortorman a few 2X4's my'vera'hown'self

and he's survived quite nicely don'cha'know

Pep