dg, you don't need to tell them you are telling her! Why did you tell all these people in the first place? Wasn't it to EXPOSE HER? I am so confused about what you are doing here. Just tell her you have told these people. You don't have to ASK! The point of exposure is to EXPOSE, TO REMOVE THE SECRECY, not add more layers of secrecy! Do you understand?

NO MORE SECRETS! Tell her! And then ask them why they haven't discussed it with her. Keeping exposure a SECRET defeats the purpose!

Everything your W tells you is the FOG. This is why it is a WASTE OF TIME to try and reason with WS. It is like trying to discuss the perils of alcoholism with a falling down drunk.

Yeah, I agree with ML, you are talking about the M WAY TOO MUCH for plan A. Stop with the relationship talk. Just monitor what she does, hang out with her as much as you can, and try and meet whatever emotional needs she will let you. The more you try and talk relationship, the more she will want to withdraw and avoid you. Let her start talks about the relationship after plan A has softened her up a bit. I know how badly us BSs want to talk about the relationship, especially with it being the holidays and all, but you are going to have to put your TAKER on hold if you want to do an effective plan A. Keep your eyes on the prize, and let her actions do the talking about the relationship.

dg, maybe the missing link here is that no one has explained to you the purpose of exposure. So I will explain it.

First off, exposure is your most potent weapon against the affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. When an affair is exposed, it is often a huge shock to the affairees because they are forced to see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others.

When asked for an explanation by a pastor or parent they begin to HEAR how ridiculous they sound when they babble their self serving rationalizations. This often causes huge conflict in the affair because it no fun anymore when everyone is watching.

Liken it to a couple of crack heads in the crack house. You invite a crowd of people in to watch them. It is no fun to get high when intruders are watching! It just feels sleazy and embarrassing!

So, can you see how just telling people and KEEPING IT A SECRET is a waste of time that serves NO PURPOSE? All that does is DEFEAT THE PURPOSE of exposure. It is nothing more than IDLE GOSSIP really. To tell people and ask them to KEEP IT a secret is useless to your cause. Because secrecy is the problem. The point of EXPOSURE IS TO EXPOSE.

I know - I wasnt asking them to keep it a secret but MIL didnt want W to withdraw from her anymore and in some ways ruin the Holiday and I guess I have been respecting that too much. MIL in some ways still is protecting her D b/c she feels that W was truly hurt ny me and in some way had only been hearing W's side of everything about our M.
On some level do you think when I tell W that I exposed and to whom she will confront her parents or keep silent and stew about it and withdraw?
Do you think that with them not telling her they know and act normal just the tought that hey know is enough or do they need to speak up?

I hate that I am protecting her and allowing this to go on but feel that just telling her I exposed without asking them what their thoughts are would make them turn against me but Iguess that is my fear playing out and I am probably vacillating as much as W is

dg, you don't need their thoughts or permission to expose your own wife. This is your marriage you are trying to save. THIS IS NOT A SECRET! Exposure means to EXPOSE, not to keep it a secret.

It is sad, but her affair puts EVERYONE in an AWKWARD position. That is a REALITY that you can't avoid, so don't even try. Your WS will feel AWKWARD around these people, she is supposed to feel that way!

When your W finds out you have exposed her, she will be FURIOUS that you have interfered with her affair. That is an EXPECTATION. SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE ANGRY. So, just prepare for that and get in there and TELL HER you have told everyone about her affair.

Well its out there and wiggling around on the floor.
Finally told her I exposed to people and she is mad as ****** She told me she hated me and she said I really showed how much I care for her by doing what I did.
I told her that I did it all out of love - She thinks I am trying to control guilt or be vengeful - She threw her cell phone at me and said she didnt want it anymore - Feels like she cannot ever trust me.

I told her that as recently as this summer I asked her to tell me if there was eveer anything was worng where she felt like things were slipping away and she had promised.

Said it was still just a friend and all they did was talk b/c she didnt feel like talking to me b/c I didnt listen or tried to fix, criticize.

What now?

What if I was wrong and she really was just friends? What if I just signed the papers I didnt want to sign?

She wouldn't be that pissed if he was just a friend. You did the right thing. All WWs react in this way when they find out they've been exposed, and all BSs wonder if they did the right thing.

Now when she talks to OM she will feel shame or people looking over her shoulder and it won't be fun again. She's going to be pissed at you for a while, but she will settle back down after about a week.

Don't worry. Pat yourself on the back for putting the final nail in the affair's coffin. Sit back and let her stew. Leave her alone right now. Any interaction with her right now will just turn into a fight.

Thanks I guess I have been beating myself up b/c I knew what I felt but W is making me feel like such garbage right now and I am letting her.
She wanted to know who I told? I didnt tell her just told her everyone that cares about her and that I told everyone of them How Much I Love Her and not matter what it is/was I want to move past all of this.
Also told her I drove past OM's house today - My legal drive time is 3-6pm on Sat.s hopefully only until 12/27.

Ypu know I so wanna believe her but all I have read is really powerful and I am hearing the gaslighting but still feel bad - In some ways I guess I can understand how she feels at this time, I thought it was long since 10/29 when she said she didnt think she wanted to be married anymore but now it just seems so hard to overcome.
Although she didnt say she is leaving or asked me to leave and she still seems to be planning on XMAS at both families

Before I forget again I just want to thank so many people here for taking their time to read and post to me.
Melody, Jim, MortarMan and Big Kahuna come to mind without looking at all the posts and if I forgot anyone I apologize.
Oh and she still plans on all of us going to church tomorrow and said I slandered her - I told her if she didnt make me jump through hoops when I started asking about stuff that maybe it wouldn't have gotten to this point and still want to work on this but I guess you can all know what her answer was - Well I was giving you a chance but now...............

Thanks again all it means so much and you are all truly good souls - Faceless people who care so much I feel so blessed.

dg, you did really good, except you MUST TELL HER TO WHOM she is exposed!! Exposure means you EXPOSE, remember? NO MORE SECRETS! Secrets are what has enabled her affair! Tell her EXACTLY who you told! TODAY!

NO MORE ENABLING! You are no longer on the side of the AFFAIR, you are on the side of your marriage, so these enabling behaviors must stop! Remember whose side you are on, ok?

And of course she is mad, because you ruined her affair. If this was just a "friendship" she wouldn't get mad, wouldn't care. You and I both know this is no "friendship." Next time she says that, tell her then you can ALL be friends and go over to his house TOGETHER! Grab the kids and pile in the car and head over there!


LOL! They ALL SAY THAT, dg! hahaaa Did it seem like she was "giving you a chance? " <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> What this really means is that you "might have a chance if you quit interfering in her affair." LOL It is designed to SCARE you into silence. Don't FALL FOR IT!

Now, go tell her to whom she is EXPOSED and stop with the SECRETS!!! Exposure means EXPOSED. Go do dat!

Melody you brought tears to my eyes with your words, W thinks I exposed to everyone and - Which I guess I did except I never told her sis and especially about last Sat when she skipped cleaning church to be with OM
So I figure I am better by not telling her b/c if she believes Sis knows then I am really in a better place that way.

Actually we are supposed to meet w/ Pastor after service tomorrow to discuss book he asked us to read together and she is dreading it - She doesnt know he hasn't contacted me yet since my email to him as well as the link to Newly Betrayed Spouses.
Melody thank you so much for giving me the courage to do this your gentle pushing gave me all the power I needed.
You know I bought a card about M when I was shopping today and was going to wait to expose til Xmas nite after her parents with a note telling her I exposed.
But when I came in from shopping she seemed angry about something and thought she may have encountered Pastor but I guess she didnt so it was awkward but it kept falling out of my mouth

And now after reading Jims post and yours I feel so much better - She is really worried about what others are going to think of her.
She at first thought I recently exposed but I told her I exposed weeks ago and she has been interacting w/ them since so maybe that gives her food for thought.
You know I never thought about scaring me into "silence"

Melody you are so wise - How can I repay you? I will keep you in myprayers you truly are an angel and no matter what happens I will know that I am so lucky to have so many caring people who Ive never met help me more than anyone.

Im feeling so alone right now though and with Xmas right around the corner feel like I am intruding on others

When I told her I exposed said I had phone records that she knew I saw but didnt think I made copies and I took pages out of a calendar and wrote short notes of things I encountered as well outgoing calls w/ the #'s
She said what for a D - I said no to bring you back to the table of working so that I could prove to others that I took my time and that I truly Love You.
Although didnt tell her of pic I took before I left OM'S house last week - Ive kept my camera in the car since about week 3.

dg, you are doing just great! We know this it is very hard to CAUSE CONFLICT but this is what will save your marriage! Your job is to make it SO uncomfortable for her to carry on her affair that she gives it up! But, as you can see, she will not be happy about that. It is like taking the crack pipe away from the crack head. They are SPITTING MAD at first, but once they sober up, they start straigtening up.

dg, call that pastor up BEFORE your meeting and ask him to have a chat with your W about her affair. THAT IS HIS JOB. He should be prepared to confront her about her affair in your meeting tomorrow. Also tell him that that she skipped her church event with her sister in order to go see her boyfriend. So, call him up and make sure he intends on having a COME TO JESUS with her, because you need his help. This IS HIS JOB, DG!

Be STRONG in the Lord, DG, you are doing great!

p.s. and call her sister and tell her the truth! Tell her you are trying to save your marriage from this affair and ask for her influence and support! It would be helpful if she spoke to your W about her deceit. Ask for her help, dg!

I will Melody I will talk w/ sis - Pastor knows about her skipping cleaning the church last week that for me was the straw that broke the camels back - When she could do that to her sis - No matter what she did to me I thought she cared so much for her sis the way I do my brother.
Right now my side of the family is having a hard time they have felt ignored and I only came clean yesterday and today.
Mom thinks I embraced W's religion just to get in good and have been spending time w IL's to get in w/ them.
Well Mom is right on a little bit - Spending more time w/ IL's has helped me spend more time w/ W.
Relgion was much needed in my life, And I always agreed w/ W that kids be brought up in hers b/c I was non practicing so I would be a hypocrite, My Mom actually called me hypocrite yesterday about my salvation - I have questioned myself too but find the Lord has helped me immensely and has brought me to this site and all these people that have reached out to me

dg,

I did a quick recap of your story, and your situation is better than 90% of the posters who come here. If you keep sticking to MB principles, follow the advice of the pros on this website, and (this is the kicker) stay PATIENT, I am 99% certain that your marriage will work out. Just believe in yourself and in God, stay calm and in control, and stay PATIENT and focus on the ultimate goal (a happy marriage). You will win this battle.

dg, does the pastor also know all about her affair? This is something that he should be discussing with her tomorrow. That is HIS JOB. This is something he should be told about so can help her and guide her.

Wow - I just read some of your thread and posted to you God really works in mysterious ways - Thank you for taking the time even though you are really working yourself to save your M.

Patience is the one thing I have never had alot of - But realize now what everyone here and close to me has been saying and I have to learn to control my patience.

W and I were discussing things after I told her of exposure and my wonderful D11 who has some idea what is going on came to me and said Dad you look like you need a hug!
Awesome girl she is and a great alto sax player