Well right now I am going to take care of me first, It seems like a full court press by both of us and now she has people on her side whom were on mine.

I will keep my eyes and ears open but I am going to be careful as long as I can stay in the house.

Just got back from the C and she told me the same things everyone here has - Change me worry about the one thing I can control is me - The way I direct my anger isnt good for me or those I direct it to.

She also rolled her eyes concerning W's behaviors and also believes A.

C is referring me to a phsyciatrist to better prescribe some AD's - Believes it would be better than going to my Dr.

Asked me what is the first thing I would like to work on and I said my obsession and emotionally detaching from the R/M situation to focus on me.

I have a consultation w/ lawyer tomorrow and I will find out what he thinks - I am telling him that I am still hopeful of staying married but need to know what my options are if she tries certain things.

I will also bring up OM and how she wants to leave our D11 and S10 home all summer unsupervised and how she went to work in Dec when both kids had been throwing up all night and didnt call me - Had the kids call me and I came home to be with them by 10:30AM.

That has been one of my issues about this whole thing is fine I am paying for my share of things but her things are/were groceries and child care and even as much as I havent gone about things right - I havent forgot about the
kids.

W came home and I didnt seek her out - Stayed in the comp. rm - She asked if I knew anything about leaving as I said I would leave last night if she didnt seek order of protection but after reading here and someone who has been through the process figured it might be bluster although a little worried if she decides to file a criminal complaint.

Anyways she said she also saw a lawyer to day and asked about MSA I filled out last week online when I was willing to walk away b/c of the pain, But now after all thats happened and am in C - I cannot just let her have the house and leave my name on it.

She wants me to leave asap by saying she did me a favor by not filing, I said I need to speak w/ an attorney as well.

No DJ's AO's or any LB's - Very business like said I shouldnt have to give up everything to live in a dump and she said she wouldnt ask for the amount of CS that the state requires but cant trust that b/c judge can overrule anything.

I did ask if the Family Court said it was cut and dried and she said no but I do fear criminal complaint if she goes that route but then she really is cutting off her nose to spite her face - Who will watch the kids every afternoon?

I cant trust anything she says although she seems bent on getting out now - I am going to mention to atty concerns about kids and babysitting and that she left them each home alone when a bug ran thru the house - The kids let me know they were home and I came home as soon as I could.

I am wondering if I should fight for custody, Asked her if we could have joint custody 2 households - Her response was then we would have to have 2 - 3 bdrm apts - Which I said well if I wasnt paying CS I could afford it.

I know what I did Fri wasnt right but fear that I will be
S-O-L if she pursues it and then I will be forced somewhere.

Part of me thinks she is just talking but another part fears the talk - b/c she said she doesnt want to file against each other for D - Says S gives us time away and we can tear it up if we reconcile.

My biggest thought on that is if we sign MSA w/o me protecting myself that the MSA usually carry over into D.

IMHO,
It sounds to me as if she is continually baiting you and you KEEP falling for it. <<2X4>>

Wake up man, calm down, and grow up. This is not a game about who has more people supporting them, who talks to the atty, etc. This is your life, your kids life, and your wife's life. You can not trust what your wife says. DUH, she's seeing another M.

I guess I missed something here but why did you switch churches? Why did she seek a protection order? Why is your MIL now on her side?

Get a grip, pull yourself together, and FIGHT for your family. When she baits you, agree with her and roll on. If you show no emotion it takes the fun out of it. You are in a better place than many as you can still meet your W EN, if you CHILL OUT and FOCUS.

dg, what ARE you doing??? What could she possibly file a criminal complaint against you for?? What have you done??

Whyever in the world would you want to leave?? If she wants to seperate, tell her you can't stop her, but you should not be the one to leave. Tell her no thanks to the suggestion you leave.

dg, I just don't understand what is happening. Nothing seems to make sense.

I didnt think I was doing anything wrong this time? I was business like and NO LB's as far as I thought?

No I dont care who is supporting me but now after my stupid antic on Fri she went to the police and filed a report for harrassment - Anyone who believed me about A and W being in fog is now supporting her behavior instead of condemning where we are - I caused a lot of this too but I am owning my actions - It was my feelings and not controlling my reactions to them that caused me problems.

I am now worried about her moving forward and not being able to meet any EN's at all - Fearful that we will lose everything that ties us on some level.

I am truly worried about my children - they probably know things are not great but they are notexpecting what might happen.

I havent gone to church b/c of what I did although I am going to speak w/ Pastor about things - I am not going to call my MIL b/c W was mad that we were talking - If she called me I would talk.

I told you earlier today that on Tues we argued and I threw her phone - On Fri I asked her for help w/ finances b/c I was tired of supporting things for the good of the family and her hiding things.

I tried to remove her from the bed and asked her to leave if she wanted out which I know was stupid and we are most probably done.

I am done - I know it I have realized everything too late - At first Ikept the R/M talks up and forced things w/ church and she kept baiting me and I took it and now I am going to pay.

She asked if I knew anything about leaving as I said I would leave last night if she didnt seek order of protection but after reading here and someone who has been through the process figured it might be bluster although a little worried if she decides to file a criminal complaint.

____________________________________________________________
GOOD.

Anyways she said she also saw a lawyer to day and asked about MSA I filled out last week online when I was willing to walk away b/c of the pain, But now after all thats happened and am in C - I cannot just let her have the house and leave my name on it.

___________________________________________________________
GOOD.

She wants me to leave asap by saying she did me a favor by not filing, I said I need to speak w/ an attorney as well.

No DJ's AO's or any LB's - Very business like said I shouldnt have to give up everything to live in a dump and she said she wouldnt ask for the amount of CS that the state requires but cant trust that b/c judge can overrule anything.

____________________________________________________________
GOOD.

I did ask if the Family Court said it was cut and dried and she said no but I do fear criminal complaint if she goes that route but then she really is cutting off her nose to spite her face - Who will watch the kids every afternoon?
__________________________________________________________
NO Good. Do you expect her to answer you honestly anyway. You cause yourself unnecessary anguish. Stay away from asking questions like this.


I cant trust anything she says although she seems bent on getting out now

___________________________________________________________
She's still there. Stop focusing on negatives. Look at actions and not words. You still have a chance if you remain positive.


Asked her if we could have joint custody 2 households - Her response was then we would have to have 2 - 3 bdrm apts - Which I said well if I wasnt paying CS I could afford it.

__________________________________________________________
Why ask this? Again, you are causing yourself more anguish.

Only asked about the joint custody b/c I was hoping she would see that I am fighting for my kids - To share our lives not be visitors and that she has to see where she made her mistakes as well - I surely do and see that I didnt always do things right but that I wanted to invest the work.

Besides we would both have to supoort them equally - She wanted me to leave the house until summer - ok then why dont I get it? The kids can stay here and we can work that out - I have nowhere to go and I dont want out.

I want to work on me and be a better person and hopefully H but she has dragged her feet on getting herself help until about a week ago - I chose to react when she pushed my buttons but I am willing to do the hard work.

I made the appts early on in Nov, I called places to find help - I did make changes but they didnt last b/c I let myself get sucked in - Now I have to dig out and pray

I only talk marriage. If you want to talk divorce then speak to my lawyer. This is your new mantra.

You are not giving up on your M. This is all you tell her. Do not expound. Don't get baited into an argument. Get a digital recorder to protect yourself against false claims of harassment.

There is simply no pain like what we BS's experience through the suspicion period, the snooping period, confrontation, and D-day, and the ensuing days after D-day, when the WS is in Fogland, and their spew becomes kneejerk defensive, and each word is enshrouded in heart piercing armor.

After a while the pain just wears you out. You cannot hurt any more than you already have. You reach a state of NUMB. At that time your feet have a chance to touch the ground again, and your mind has the chance to think rational thoughts. Each of us has a different threshold for all of this pain and we all react differently to the shock an affair brings.

This is the time you begin to rely on your brain to take control of the other emotions which you have been reeling from. While you are in the reeling state, progress is nearly impossible, because we're to much in turmoil to gather our thoughts, formulate actions and enact those formulations. When your feet finally reach the ground, you reach what many call a point of DETACHMENT from the turmoil, and you can begin to have rational thoughts, turn them in to rational actions, all guided by SAA and the fine folks here on this forum, and real progress begins.

You may have reached that point. Or at least not be far from it. We all seem to have the mental capacity to reach this detachment, but it seems it takes different degrees of time and suffering to reach it. However, in my case, when I reached that point, I was able to make daily decisions and actions that furthered my cause to save my marriage. Prior to reaching "that" point, most of my actions were drivin by pure emotion, and most of what I did made NO SENSE and made no progress in my desire to reconcile.

Hope this makes sense...

Best wishes,

Thank You,
I dont know where I stand, I went to the lawyers yesterday b/c W seemed ****** bent on S and I wasnt going to push my luck w/ possible order of protection b/c what good would it do for me concerning my kids if I wasnt part of their everyday life.

Lawyer was informational but w/ all I have learned through my own research didnt tell me anything I didnt know but is/was willing to represent me in RO if needed and willing to look over MSA if it goes there.

Which brings me to yesterday - Since Sun night I have been dwelling in the family room and spending time in the comp. rm - No initiation of convo - Leave before she gets up, no calls during the day and left before she got home last night.

Mon. night she was willing to get me out as quick as possible - I said I needed some time b/c only one person Iknow could let me stay and that was only 2 wks and I could not settle for a dump.

Last night after going out for a ride and saying I was looking at apts. - Stopped for coffee we both were pulling in the driveway about 8:15pm - She had been grocery shopping - I saked if she wanted help and carried some things upstairs - Returned to my cave and was eating my fast food.

W came down asked if I saw lawyer and said Yes, Said lawyer told me that we should get house issue straightened out and visitation in writing as those are the only 2 issues that tie us - We have just about everything seperate.

I asked W if she called mortgage co. concerning her taking over the house - She said we would have to sell, b/c the only way she could do anything is for a D and apply for hardship.

She asked me what I wanted to do, I said all along Ive wanted to work on things was only going to S b/c thats what she said she wanted.

I am at work - I will continue this post in a short bit....

I asked what she wanted - She said "I have been in La La land all day - I dont know"

Again I apologized for last Tues and Fri nights meltdowns and politely said No disrespect but the unwillingness of her to get help for herself, or want to try to work on R/M and that the constant strain of just goign about day to day was a stress that added to everything and I did not handle it well.

I said I am in C and seeing a psychiatrist also for some AD's and I know it could be hard but was always willing to do whatever it took to save M and family although I did say that we shouldn't stay just b/c of finances. I know I probably shouldnt have said anything but I want her to see I am supportive of whatever - If I had been truly in Plan A all along I would have much more leverage but I havent and I am trying to reap what I sowed.

She asked me what I thought I would take and listed some things, I asked once more what do you want to do she said
I don't know, I said well if you want to push things off for now til you see IC - That I would and I would stay out of her hair - Live downstairs be there for kids no talks w/ her unless it was for kids.

I felt I did no LB's - Listened and answered honestly.
W did not say anything and went upstairs - Did not see her the rest of the night, Last night was the best nights sleep I have had in a few nights.

She didnt say she wanted me out, didnt give me an answer about staying until she sees IC, Didnt say she wants S but felt she was really torn - Finally seeing her choices have consequences I guess but am just taking it for waht its worth and will stick to the plan from here on out.

No R/M talks, Polite, no snooping for now, focus on myself and kids - No LB's of any kind - Also protecting myself for the worst.

BTW - I did not initiate any conversation, Only answered questions I was asked - When I did ask anything I was polite and business like. Only offered pertinent info.

As I said its not what I want to do (S) only trying to protect myself and kids and not giving up but can only effectively Plan A so much b/c of my half baked approach which did no good - Now I can only do what I can no forcing anything.

W looked terrible last night and sounded the same way like she had been through the wringer - Also if she wanted me out ASAP - This morning when I was getting my coffee for work - I noticed when she went grocery shopping last night she bought me a pound of Starbucks - Which I didnt ask her for or expect w/ all that has gone on.

I am not trying to read into anything but like I said she sounded terrible and looked wiped out.

That's good that you aren't initiating any R/M talks, but....

Why are you shopping for apartments? Why are you looking to putting your house on the market? Are you sleeping in the marital bedroom? If not, why?

Don't go along or help her with anything that would make a D easier. Don't talk about it, but just don't do it. Let her do all the grunt work. Chances are, she won't, and you will have more time to solve your problems.

Your goal is to save your M, if she wants you to do something that goes against your goals, don't do it but don't talk about it either. You don't do D, you only do M.

I am not really actively doing anything - Keeping myself w/ options right now if things fall through and she pursues anything.

Not sleeping in the bed b/c I feel that would cause pressure - I want her to feel like things are her decision and not forcing or injecting myself too far.

I felt that all these months even though I was trying to change, I was forcing those changes on her instead of doing them - She had left the marital bed originally but I guess w/ R/M talks - She felt forced to come back.

Now w/ the LB's of last Tues. and Fri - As long as I am in the house I have a chance to earn trust. I cannot even think of bringing up OM until I resolve my issues.

I want her decision to be based on my actions/reactions to things - Once she plays her hand either way I'll be prepared - I f she decides to work on R/M - Then and only then can I get to my issues w/ her and OM but right now w/ all the LB's - I am on the other end and it would have been much easier had I truly followed Plan A - I am in a form of Plan A but not in the way that most can go about things and I only have me to blame and me to fix, I cannot fix anyone else.

Cool, calm and collected...that is your mantra for the rest of this saga. Spend your thoughts on serious introspection regarding how you will be a better husband, meeting your W's needs, and correcting love busters, and having a non-threatening disposition in the future.

That's enough for you to focus on for the time being!

Best wishes,
SD

I am trying and its getting better for me, Is how I have handled things the last few days been ok from your point of view or do I do anything different.

Such as going back in the bed, or do I let her becoome comfortable around me?

I am not initiating any talks at all right now - Only responding - Not forcing anything

This is just me...but I think you should move back into your bed, if you can maintain control, and not talk about the A or your M. Not right now. And you cannot let your W provoke you, and she will, either intentionally or just because she's a fog-dweller.

If you don't think you can move into her bed without breaking this period of "normalcy", don't. If you are certain you can, then yes.

Keep fully focused on your self control. You are your worst enemy right now. Once we have you in a position to maintain control, we'll get to other steps...baby steps.

Hang in there!
SD

D11 asked whether we were going to "split up" - so now its known, not that we havent figured they didnt know there were problems but what do you say? I couldn't answer b/c I didnt think it was appropriate w/o both of us present or at least me knowing what we would both say.

I didnt answer and felt terrible about it, D says "you guys never tell us anything" - I had to ask W if D asked her the same question and W's response was that we are having problems and we don't know and that no matter what happened that she and S were loved.

I didnt LB at all listened, talked respectfully and validated - We are truly walking on eggshells W is seeing her C tomorrow, W says we both have so many issues that she feels we need space and to work on ourselves.

W says she wants to hear that it is ok to make a mistake and not just from loved ones, she says she has trust issues and I didnt say anything but she lies whether its big or small.

My issues and I said I realized them is/was my verbal abuse and the way I deal w/ anger which I can see and am willing to work on - I was the one who initially sought MC - I was willing to work on myself through C and group therapy before exposure but nothing was reaching her and I was at end of rope and joined church and tried to work on my issues through there as well.

After Fri. nights meltdown I called IC for myself and told her everything about me, verbal abuse, drinking, W's A and also stated I was so willing to work and be a productive and loving H, parent and man.

W still seems like she is bent on moving forward but hedging only for the financial hit the house will cause, the lifestyle of the kids.

Dont know what to think right now feeling like she is looking for C to tell her its alright to leave - We are barely existing right now.

W did ask me if I contacted a local mental health clinic who deals w/ men and issues of emotional/verbal abuse.
I have not yet but would be open to it as there website says that it is not a magic pill but only works when the person wants to change and I do and felt I had made some progress.

I also mentioned that I saw C and she gave me some things and I have my next appt. on Mon. morning, Psychiatrist appt on Thurs so I am trying to show that I am truly committed.

W mentioned about therapy for the kids, I said I had thought about family therapy - W said she had questions written down for C and one was whether it would be a good idea to see MC while we both see IC's.

Wish I didnt find myself in this place and dont know how much is still "fog" or whether she will truly be honest.

Asked her what she meant when we talked last night concerning her being in "La La land" she only said she was thinking about everything.

She did mention she is leaning towards S, Like I said dont know if its still "fog" or fallout from the past as well as last weeks meltdowns - She said up until last Tues. night she was beginning to trust me and I feel like such a failure all over again.