I have not spoken to my H since Thursday and our son has only spoken to him once on the phone since then. He did call on New Years Eve night and left a message and I asked my son if he wanted to call him back and wish him a happy new year and he said no so we didnt-the message my H left was directed toward our son.

He called a few times today but we werent home and left 1 message saying I wanted to wish you a happy new year-hope you guys had a good night-I love you call me when you have a chance.

It has now been over 3 weeks since he moved out-I am not in plan a or b at this time since I have had almost no contact with him at all-his choosing. My H spoke to SH last week and asked him to fill out questionare and make another appt and SH told me if my H isnt willing to do these things I should consider plan b.

I kind of feel like I am already in plan b-considering I have very little if no contact with him now. I do have to say it is easier for me to cope not talking to him at this point-when he calls or leaves messages I do get upset. I also have to admit that he called my cell phone once and I didnt answer-just didnt feel like I could take it.

Would you say my actions are wrong at this point in the game?

Spoke to my H asked him about the conversation he had with SH-he said that he didnt agree with the guy and basically had an arguement with him on the phone. Said he would "think about" calling him again.

He was very short on the phone as usual. He was alot more friendly when he left the messages on the machine-it seemed that he was upset that I didnt return his calls.

Should I talk to him about setting up a set plan on seeing our son or just hold off on that for now?

Spoke to my H today-he was very upset that he couldnt get a hold of our son and me over the weekend. He said that he would get our son his own phone if he needed to-he acted like I was trying to keep our son from him. I told him that our son needs more than someone to call in twice a day-he knows all of that though,

Again he told me that he has no feelings for me. I asked him how he could have written such loving things to me in our anniversary card and then 1 month later he cant stand me-he said he didnt know.

He said that he still isnt sure about the divorce but only because of our son. He also said that he will not be calling Steve again-doesnt agree with him.

What should I do now?

I missed a few chapters. Where is your husband living?

First of all, I want you to read LilSis's thread very carefully. This is how you should be acting in plan A. Don't worry about OW right now but work on a good plan A whenever you see your WH. I know that he doesn't live with you, but you can have exchanges when you hand over your children, and you work together. Try and meet his EN's and avoid LBs.

I know you contacted OWH, but are you still in touch? What has he said? Is he helping you break up the A?

Finally, if you want others to give you advice, you need to post a detailed recap of your current situation. Make sure from this day on, that you keep your story IN THIS THREAD AND THIS THREAD ONLY! You haven't been getting many replies because people don't want to go searching the entire forum for your original story.

My H came into the office and told me that he was going to pick up our son from school-he feels very guilty that he hasnt been there for him.

I asked for a hug and he gave me a very nice hug and I said we needed to treat each other better-we are both so uptight about this right now. He said he knows and he is sorry and I said I love you and he said I love you too and started to cry. Maybe telling him that was wrong but it sure felt right.

Jim-thanks for your advice I will post a recap tonight-do I change the title of my thread on the 1st page?

Yeah, just edit your post on the first page.

JRobin, I know you may not believe this, but YOU control the destiny of your marriage. You have been your own worst enemy in plan A. To much R/M talk, too much trying to convince him that things can change, too much worrying about your situation. You have done well with the stick of plan A by holding him accountable for his actions, but you need to work on the carrot. You are supposed to be dangling a carrot in front of him, not a lima bean (or some other disgusting vegetable that he doesn't want to eat). You can either entice him back to the M, or push him further away. Get control of your emotions, and you get back control of the M.

You need some big time help with plan A, so I am going to use some pull and try and get you the best plan A coach available - LilSis. She is performing a very amazing plan A, and her situation is much worse than yours. Her WH has been having a PA with this OW for quite some time now, and has moved in with the OW. He has also filed for divorce. If she can execute plan A so well, than so can you. You just need a little advice and moral support. Get a nice long recap on here, and I need you to answer all of LilSis's questions and listen and act on all of her advice. Okay? You can do this! You need to get at least a month of this new and improved plan A, all the while meeting with an attorney to get your ducks in a row for plan B, so you can set 'em up, and knock 'em down. By the time you are done with your WH, he won't know what hit 'em, and he'll come crawling back to you, I promise. Just stick with the plan. Alright?

Call your thread anything you want to, but don't jump from thread to thread. I missed the whole moving out part.

H came to me in Aug wants to move out-doesnt love me anymore-found out in Oct OW involved. Contact goes on and on. H insists that he and OW are just friends but on Dec 10th he admits that they have kissed-this is the same day he decided he cant treat me the way I deserve to be treated and moved out. He is living with a single guy he knows.

We both work at the same place so we do have contact there but thats about it. He has had contact with our son on a regular basis. H tried calling our son over the long weekend and had a hard time getting a gold of us and was very upset at me for this.

I realize Jim that I need to do a better Plan A and I would appreciate any and all help I would receive on that. My H did speak to Steve but he is not willing to do that again-said he didnt agree with him.

I did get the names of some attorneys in my area today from my counselor.

By the way Jim, thanks for your help

And does the OW's husband still think they are "just friends"?

Jim asked me to check out your thread and see if I had anything to offer. I'm totally in Plan A, so I'm not nearly the expert that others are here...sometimes I feel like I ask for advice about whether to have cream in my coffee in the morning.

It is a little hard to follow your exact story, but I think I have the gist of it. My WH is also away from home...been living at ILs for almost six months. He filed for D two months ago...so I'm in worse shape than you (so take that into account as you read my suggestions!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ). I LB'd and went nuts for the first five months, but when I finally got myself to a good place (thanks to therapy, meds and time), I felt ready to do a good Plan A. I didn't feel intuitive to me, but now I'm getting it (I think).

I agree with what Jim said above about not thinking about OW. I just think of her as a bug, a thing, an inconvenience. Why? Because it is too painful to think of her as a living, breathing woman who is with my husband, taking everything that was mine. (see, stop me right there before I start feeling bad!)

THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CONTROL IS YOU. So focus on you. Stop worrying about what WH is doing. Whatever it is, you probably don't want to know anyway. It's just torturing yourself. Besides, you know enough...that he's having an affair. That's all you need to know. You will not be able to convince him to quit or guilt him into quitting (I tried that for five months...no dice) He is on crack. He's hooked on cigarettes. He's shooting heroin. Whatever analogy you want to use...use it. Read up on addictions if you don't know much about them. But know and understand that the user won't quit until he or she WANTS to quit.

So YOU need to ride this out until WH wants to quit OW. YOU are in control of you, so be your very best person. Be the wife he always dreamed of...but not for him...because YOU WANT to be a good wife to whomever you are married. mimi said it very well to me recently...something about how Plan A is about showing WH the marriage and wife that he wants, and Plan B is about quitting the A. If you look at it that way, you shouldn't even be worrying about ending the A right now. Just be a lighthouse for him, show him a way home...that home is still a possibility, and that you want that to happen.

Another thing that is VERY helpful to me is to separate H from WH. I want to be with H, I want to provide him with a path home. WH is the hateful, hurtful one. It makes it much easier to Plan A if I can look at this man and NOT SEE WH. I look at him and tell myself that it is H, so I can be kind and loving and compassionate and sexy and flirty.

That's just it in a nutshell for me right now. Please let me know what specific questions you have and I'll try to answer. There is SO very much wonderful information on my thread...much of it is specific to my situation, but I think it will give you an idea of what Plan A should look like (at least that's what everyone says!).

((((jrobin))))

I'll add you to my prayers.
LilSis

Believer-I dont really know what OW H thinks-I was told by my boss that her H believed her but then my H told me that OW H was looking up her cell phone records on line -so he may be more suspicious than I was led to believe. They have been in Hawaii for 2 weeks and I dont know if they are back yet.

LilSis-I guess I just dont know where to start. I see my H at the office since we work together. I have been reading some of your story and I feel the way you talked about where I could be his sister or aunt. He has told me that he doesnt love me like that anymore. He said the only thing he misses about being here is our son.

He picked up our son from school today and I could talk about that tomorrow-but then I read other peoples advice to you-dont make it about the kids. I could say aomething about how I realize how busy he was at work and I appreciated that he took the time to pick DS up???

I loved the idea of telling him you're not wearing panties but I dont feel like I am at that point yet. We have not spoken much lately. Sometimes after work some of the guys will come to the office for a beer-I could hang out when they are all there and laugh and have fun with him since we dont ever go out together anymore???

We receiced 3 movie tickets from a client - I could suggest the 3 of us go to a movie together?? If he says no how do I respond?

His sister is haveing a birthday in a couple days should I send a card from the 3 of us?? Not something I would normally do though.

I really appreciate any advice-I too have tried for the last 4 months and have not done a good job. I have tried the guilt thing-just did that today as a matter of fact!!

I didnt get to finish reading your thread-I wanted to print it out because there is a lot of good info but I dont have enough paper-will do that tomorrow.

Thanks for everyones help-as you can see I really need it.


jen

Sure, why not? That's showing admiration...make him feel like he's the best thing since sliced bread. Shower him with positives for every little thing he does. The advice I got was that it will NOT FEEL NORMAL, but that's okay. It gets easier as you get used to doing it...everything does...even just zipping it when you feel like screaming the obvious. Gets to the point where you don't even need to bite your tongue to do it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I ABSOLUTELY did not "feel" like I was at that point either, but I did it. mimi says to "stretch," so I stretched. Go outside your comfort zone. You may find you are much more comfortable there than you thought you would be.


Absolutely! Have fun, be flirty and charming. Wear something sexy. Sit right next to him, touch him under the table. Tell him you are not wearing any panties.


Is it to a family movie? Or can it be to any movie? If it's a family movie, absolutely, invite him to come along and if he says no, you go anyway and have a great time. This might be trickier and would depend on "where you are" (and only you can judge): if the tix can be used for any movie, maybe you wold want to pick out something that would appeal to him and invite him on a date...??? Others might have different opinions on that...I'm not there yet.

I like to think I've been scoring points with the ILs...but we had good relations anyway and they are devastated by WH's behavior. I think sending a card to SIL wouldn't be a bad thing...doubtful that a foggy WH would know the difference, though. But it really depends on your relationship. I wouldn't think it would have that great an impact.

So much is dependent on your situation. For me, I've just realized that I've learned and learned and taken tons of advice from here, processed it all for my situation, and then acted on it in a way that worked for ME.

But a good first lesson is to STRETCH. Discover the new Jen. Put OW out of your mind. Focus on H, not WH. Sounds so cliche, I know...but maybe it's a start for you. A little at a time.

LS

,,,and my disclaimer...remember, I'm still in Plan A! No recovery here...yet! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

A few other idea I had-what about making cookies and taking them to work to take home with him tonight-but does that give him some of the comforts of our home where he is staying?

Also what about asking him to go out to dinner at a place we like near our home but if he says no I dont know how to respond-it may be too early.

Ok so today I am going to make sure I tell him how much I appreciated him picking up son-not how much son liked it.

The movie tickets are for any movie-I think I will probably keep it at a family movie for now-just say this person gave us 3 movie tickets for Christmas-would you like to join DS and me?

My H spoke to Steve Harley and my H said that Steve told him to tell me what the perfect spouse would be-Im sure Steve said to tell me how to meet his EN but anyway my H said those things should come naturally and he felt like Steve was telling him to try to make me someone Im not. He said he told Steve that he thinks he is just changing and going in a different direction than me and I asked what direction that was but he couldnt tell me. Has your H said all these things?

Also forgot to add -the cookies are in the oven right now-we'll see how he responds.

Just invite him out, and don't worry about his response. If he declines, then just say "okay" and move on. Don't show him disappointment. Just be fun and flirty with him and he will take notice. Have you checked out LilSis's thread. She is making MAJOR headway with her WH using these tactics. But you can't slip up and LB or push too much, though or that will cancel out some of your good work. I know it is a difficult task, but you can do it. Just put on a good face, and just think of the objective.

I got to the office early and he was right behind me in his truck-the cookies were still warm when I left the house so I left the lid off the container so I threw the lid on and walked in the office. He said hi I said hi. We talked about work a little then he said see you later and started out the door so I said hey and he said yeah? I said I know you were busy yesterday -thanks for picking DS up-and then I said I made you some cookies to take home for later. He just laughed like he was really surprised. I gave him a little hug and kiss on the lips and it was like he didnt know how to respond. Then I walked away and sat back down at my desk and he said thank you twice and left.

It felt good!! Although this may sound stupid but I am shaking now. For heavens sake he is my H!!

So you all feel it's ok to ask him go out to eat or a movie? How do I know I am pushing too much?

I am definitly going to read ALL of lilsis's thread-I am going to print it out so I can refer back to it too.

All advice and suggestions welcome

Good job! You are getting the hang of this quickly. It is always easier to pull this stuff off when you got a pro like LilSis to help you out.

I would suggest acting like you were wanting to date your WH. You wouldn't ask him to do something everyday, but you would try to set up something on the weekends. Ask him if he wants to do something, and if he says "no" then say "okay" and just try again a couple days later. Continue to be fun and flirty with him whenever you interact. Notice how surprised he was when you gave him a kiss? Those are the types of signs you need to be looking for. Continue doing those things that elicit positive signs. Look for a smile that he flashes you, or when he comes out of his way to stop by and talk to you. These are the things you need to take solace in until he is ready to commit to the marriage again. This must be done for a while until he believes that these changes are permanent.

Yeah-he came back in to the office to look for some paper about light trims in someones house he is working on-he couldnt find the paper so I helped him look. No luck finding the paper but it was another interaction between us...

I will ask him to gou out for something this weekend or maybe one night this week...COURAGE. I just hate the way I feel he puts me down when he says he doesnt have those feelings or whatever.

By the way Jim LilSis is not the only expert here-you ahve helped me a lot too just by telling me that I have control here and to get off my butt.

Thanks