I should have clarified "fight" more of a lecture... I usually just sit there and listen, he does this rambling thing where it's EVERYTHING is wrong, and I'm not doing anything right. He brings up so many topics (literally it's like a multiple hour long lecture) that I can't even respond to any of it... which is why things aren't getting resolved. On the rare occasion that I have spoke up, to share my feelings, it just seems to anger him and lengthen the "lecture" so ... like I said, I usually just sit there and listen to it all!
Also... these repeadily usually always start at 10pm when we've gone to bed... when I'm tired, and not in the mood to discuss a problem.
I've tried asking him to please bring up these things in the daytime, or earlier in the evening and after 10:30 "table it" for the next day. But that doesn't happen as often as I'd like.
So, thank you though for the reminder... I do have control over the "fighting" aspect.

Figure out how to diffuse the subject. I'm sure if I were lecturing my wife, and she whispered something dirty in my ear, kissed my neck, or gently grabbed me down there with a naughty look in her eye, I would stop lecturing her immediately. There are ways of accomplishing this.

I bring up the subject just before bed also, It is the only time I have courage to say anything.

As for diffussing the lecture, I don't reccomend the flirting. that only postpons it and makes things worse for him, and will piss him off. (my W does that to me, and it really get me angry later.) I would suggest you have him write down his issues. Then let him give you the paper, and you can then respond to that. Becareful though, as my wife pointed out by wirting things down you don't get the tone of the issue, and sometimes can be mis-read because of it. Me I liked the writing.

Sounds like your H is still in the early stages of this. For me, all the little things that got me upset in the past but just shrugged off before hand all came comming back to me on D-day, and now i feel that my W is accountable for them. I know that this is wrong and i have to try and look ahead, but I believe that explains the long list of "you arn't doing things righ".

In my R with my W. I now don't let anything slide anymore. In the past where if my W did something small that I got upset over, but not so much that i wanted to start a "lecture" over it. I just brushed it away, but now I will say something, and i am sure my W feels that I have more needs and stuff, but in reality I am just not putting up with her **** as much any more.

KG,

Why not approach him with concern for his stuff...his thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions...at a reasonable hour which you set aside to just focus on him? To listen and repeat, for clarity...a lecture is telling you what to do, how to be...that's not adult communication. I don't know if your BH is doing this or not...could be your perception stated as fact.

Have you asked if he's asking for your response or to be heard?

I do know that if the only alone time you two have is after 10pm, then your marriage isn't your top priority.

LA

Thanks for the ideas. I made it through most of the week, feeling like this marriage can work. But seems we can't get a full week without a "lecture". My BH is definitely in the lecture state (which yes, he's probably still in the early stages) and no... it is NOT an adult conversation. We do have time earlier in the evening... Kids go to bed around 8pm... but that's not when he wants to talk... that happens after we've gone to bed, and he wants to do "stuff" and if I say "no" ... which I'm notdoing every time... but when I do say "no not tonite"... then the lecture comes. I don't get any credit for the efforts I am making, then... it's like I've done NOTHING to help this marriage.
I agree that "flirting" is not the way to diffuse the lecture. I like the idea of asking him how he's feeling on my own at a more reasonable time... but concerned that he only get's upset when the "no's" come... so that wouldn't help me either if I asked how he was at 8pm!
Last night he brought up that I'm not being "passionate enough" for him... does he not see that I'm still working on falling in love with him again? It's really tough to be passionate like I was 10 yrs ago... we are not the same people we were 10 yrs ago. We are parents now... I'm not some frisky teenager anymore... would I like to get back to that... yes... but it's not happening overnight.
I'm just so frustrated... we can go a whole week and then I start to feel good about our relationship, that we're moving in the right direction... we're both focusing on fixing things... and then bam... 1 messup on my end (Like me saying "not tonite honey"... and then the lecture comes, he says mean things... and I go back to square 1... wondering if we'll make it through this... if I want to make it through this... if I can live like this the rest of my life...
I know I was the wanderer, and maybe that doesn't give me the right to feel this way... but I do... and I know many of you (being on the other side) will tell me to buck up and shut up... but it's hard ON BOTH SIDES!

Kg, everyone has the "right" to their feelings as long as they don't let their feelings dictate their actions. Do you understand what I mean? Feelings are fleeting. As both a former wayward and a BS, my suggestion when he starts lecturing after you turn him down is this:

"honey, I am so sorry for what I have done to make you feel this way. I understand you are hurt and angry, I would be too. Please understand that just because I am not in the mood tonight does not mean I don't desire to have a passionate and loving M with you. It hurts me when you say XYZ to me though I know it is not nearly as bad as I hurt you. Again, I am deeply sorry for all I have done".

Also offer to hold him as you fall asleep. Most of my worst times with my FWH are at night in bed. Especially early on because I felt rejected and undesirable when he turned me down. I said many mean things too out of deep fear and pain.