Melody Lane = Christmas Angel with big ole halo shining brightly above big ole Texas hair! I learn something every time I read her posts and "feel" her conviction.

Mopey, this sounds like the greatest of Christmas' ever. Follow through with Harley's principals and you two WILL make it!

tryingtobelieve, do you have a current thread going here in GQII? If not, you should have, and you'll get the help to get through all this!

Best wishes,
SD

mopey, I bumped up the thread "Jonathon's letter", which is another take on what you've been facing. Pepperband was the last one to post it.

Mopey,
Mel is right about the timing. 8 Months was horrible for me. The 27th of the month- whatever month was awful for me for over a year.

There will be ups and downs and you'll realize it really is a roller coaster.

One more thing when something triggers you, you have to face it- do not just push it under the rug. Deal with it so you can move on. Otherwise, it will trigger you harder next time. As Mel said, don't LB when it happens, but you have to deal with it.

hang in there

It is Shattered, it is.

Shattered.....thanks for bumping "joseph's letter". I actually read that a few months ago and I believe my H has read it also. I'll check with him though to be sure.

MelodyLane and MovingForward and anyone else who'd like to chime in........

.....what makes the "8 month mark" so miserable?

When you feel yourself getting angry every month, does it coincide with a woman's time of the month?

Now we are expecting good things from the two of you. After all, you don't want to end up with the same old marriage, you want one that is much better than before.

I didn't recover the marriage, and still get triggers after more than 3 years. I've learned to tell me brain to stop, and not dwell on things out of my control.

I have been wanting to call the OW's husband and tell him about the affair. I am not totally sure she is still married. The OW told my H during their affair that she was separated and getting divorced. My H called her home phone once and the husband answered. It took my H by surprise and asked OW about it later. She told my H that her husband was just there for some household reason or something along those lines. During their affair, I believe they were both using cell phones to communicate, and the computer of course.

If I do get the OW's husband on the phone, what should I say?

I was thinking maybe my H should do it and apologize to him at the same time if he were willing to do that. But, now that I think about it, he thought she was getting divorced. Does that matter? They were still married.

Ooops, here goes the debate -

I say tell him. People have a right to know what is going on in their life, for their own protection. He deserves the truth.

Hopefully your husband will agree. But they often don't.

Believer.....I definitely don't want the same old marriage anymore either. I'd rather die.

And heaven help me, I hope I can stop myself from dwelling!

It just takes practice. Also has your husband sent her a no contact letter?

I think perhaps it was because the shock of the affair wore off and my anger came to the surface in full force. I questioned my decision then more than at any time. I felt strongly that I had settled for damaged goods and even wondered if I was a "chump" for not kicking him to the curb.

My anger did coincide with my TOM, but I have noticed that male BS' have cycles of anger during recovery.

I would contact the OWH YOURSELF. Dr. Harley would tell you to do this, rather than your H because your H should not take the chance of contacting her again.

I am not sure why 8 months is so hard. I just know it was.

I do not think the monthly thing had anything to do with that time of the month- it was just the 27th of June was -day so the 27th was tough for several months.

As for telling, yes. He deserves to know. He deserves the opportunity to fight for his marriage if he so desires.

One the things I have to done to combat dwelling is a God Jar. I keep it in my bedroom. When things get to bothering me, I write it down, pray about it and then put it in the jar. I have spiritually and physically given it to God. It really helps me.

hang in there

MoveForward - I LOVE the idea of a God Jar. I come from a long line of "dwellers" and it is hard not to do something. Your idea is GREAT!!

I can't take credit for it- my IC suggested it. But it has really helped me.

Thanks for passing it along.

Melody......



Have your feelings changed? If so, how? (If you don't mind me asking.)


To everybody.....



I have discussed this with my H on several occassions and he is o.k. with it.

Any suggestions on what I should say to the OW's husband when I call him? I want to get it right.

Thanks,

Mopey

Have your feelings changed? If so, how? (If you don't mind me asking.)
[/quote]

Oh yes, DRAMATICALLY! I have the highest REGARD for my H now. He is far from damaged goods. He is a brave man who did a very bad thing but faced the consequences BRAVELY and redeemed himself. He went to great lengths to make changes in himself. We have a wonderful marriage now. I have the greatest respect for him.

Moveforward......

The god jar is a good idea. I think I may switch it up a bit and keep mine in a journal. I could definitely see the healing properties of this for the things that seem impossible to let go of.

Thanks.

Melody.....

I think I have been going through this stage of questioning myself about my choices to stay married to him for those reasons already for the last month, if that's possible.

I was open with him about my fears of feeling like a "chump". I feel that I've been disrepected enough in our marriage. I decided that instead of feeling like a chump, I should be considered a very forgiving wife who loves her husband enough to continue in a future with him. I'm not totally sure what he thinks about me for staying with him. Hmmmmmmm.

I have also questioned his character for alot of different reasons. But, I know he has alot of good qualities and is very sorry about this affair. I have seen him come to alot of revelations about himself recently. It is important to me that he continue to seek counseling for his weaknesses. I want to do the same for myself.





I have already started to feel this way about my H for all of the same reasons.

Keep all this reconciliation business in perspective, Mopey, and don't set yourself up for dissapointment by expecting too much too soon. It's still a coaster ride, although the highs and lows are mostly more moderate than during the discovery phase and d-day.

Make sure you are basing your feelings on actions, and still don't put too much credibility into the words you hear, at least until you know the words are true.

You are really doing well, and deserve a hearty pat on the back. Your inner strength is growing daily!!

Best wishes,
SD