As long as you will be here to encourage I will do my best acting job. I go for an Emmy and try not to let her see my hurt.

Most WS won't let their BS near them.

She reached out to you.



What kind of papers?

Do you have a lawyer?

~ Marsh

Deed of Separation and Propety Settlement agreement

Yes I have a Lawyer.

Do you think she will reach out again?

You come here and post here whenever you're upset.

We'll all help talk you through it and help you w/ your next battle plan.

Tell me about your WW.

Do you know what her ENs are?

~ Marsh

Her biggest EN is Protection. Odd as it may sound she is real big on being accepted and if she isn't I am suppose to rip whoever up.

Followed Words of affection

Is that like a legal seperation?

It doesn't cover your daughter?

Did you already agree on how much time you'll share your daughter?

Will she reach out again? I don't know.

But, you can look for every opportunity to connect w/ her.

You need to do things for yourself now more than ever.

You need to build up your confidence, self respect, and be happy the way things are in your life.

Your WW needs to see you HAPPY.

You need to do things to become happy.

And while you are working on you, you watch for opportunities to connect w/ your WW and deposit ENs in her LB.

~ Marsh

Being accepted is not odd at all.

Everyone wants to feel accepted.

Have you read the emotional needs questionaire here?

Do you know which needs you weren't meeting of hers?

Do you know the needs the OM was meeting for her?

~ Marsh

Please change the title of your thread to read, "I want to back out of my plan B letter, what's the best way to do it?"

~ Marsh

Don't know yet


No

No



I know she needs to see me happy. I have lost 50 lbs and now toning my body up. I will start with letting her see me happy no matter what she says.

I will also look to fill her EN but everytime I tell her she looks nice or other compliment she rolls her eyes.

Done

Protection is the only reason she has gave anyone for doing this. Other than he looks her in the eyes and says things to her

I think he is allowing her to fill her youth. We married young and neither of us knew anyone other than each other. If you catch my drift. That was something we were both very proud of. She even bragged about it and discouraged this type of behavior to others. Now he said somethings to her and she is a totally different person. She used to never miss church now she never goes. Language is bad and she thought the world revolved around our D now she puts OM over her. Total 180

Right.

Exactly.

Have you seen this list of Do's and Don'ts?

DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

Mr. W. found it.

Print it out and carry it in your wallet.

Read it every day.




Go here, and print out the questionaire as if it was your WW doing it. Try to fill it out as she would.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

My guess is that one of your WW's high needs is admiration, and affection.

How do you think you did at meeting her needs prior to her A?

~ Marsh

Good.

I hope you get some good advice on how best to do it.

~ Marsh

One quick question Should I text her and let her know how good she looked when she was here?

Hmmmm, I'm not sure which need protection would fall under.

Here are the emotional needs Dr. Harley talks about...

Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

Here's a link that will explain the needs better....

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html



This likely falls under a need for admiration and affection.



I know.

This is why folks around here call WS aliens.

They become someone you don't recognize anymore.


~ Marsh

No I haven't but i will print it



Will do



PRobably



I think i did pretty good except for complimenting. I have been working on that. I just hope and pray that I get to use all that I am learning on my wife instead of another.

No, don't do anything yet.

Let's figure out how to back out of that letter you sent her first.

And also, you need to read up on those emotional needs...

Have you read about what love busters are?

You need to know what they are so you don't do them.

Here's a link about them too...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

I have to go for a bit.

I'll check back w/ you later tonight.

Be sure to read those links I sent you. k?

If you're gonna do a stellar Plan A, you need to understand about emotional needs and love busters.

You're gonna be OK!

~ Marsh

Affection I was OK at it
Sexual Fulfillment I like to think I was OK.
Conversation I Could have done this more
Recreational Companionship We did everything together
Honesty and Openness Always
Physical Attractiveness We are both good looking. I think
Financial Support I always provided
Domestic Support My family is opposite of hers. Mine is closed and hers is wide open
Family Commitment I have always been committed
Admiration Not sure but I think we both admired each other for each talent we had. She was take charge and I made the last decision. She had dreams and I always tried to fill them.




Her family don't even know who she has become

[/quote]Have you read about what love busters are?

You need to know what they are so you don't do them.[/quote]

Thanks for the link I will read as much as possible. I am going to go spend some QT with my D. LB I know some but not as much as I need to know.

pHB,

See I told you others would come to help on GQII side.

Wow, I go out for the day and Marsh comes along. She was very good at helping me and my M. She is dead on.

Now that Plan B letter: how about something like:

"Mrs. pHB, I'm sorry i sent that letter without thinking it thru. The other night on the coach was nice and I'm not ready to give that up. In fact I would like more of that kinda stuff." Then invite her for pizza or something fun and NOT too heavy - no love talk or marriage talk or A talk. pHB, you really need to read up on PLan A and LBers. Man I would come here alot to b1tch about my wife, but NEVER to her or in front of her.

*****My changes in Plan A are what won her back and made her happy with good old M2L*********** these are my wife's words.

Part of Plan A is listenign to her talk about OM if she must. It hurts, but it helps her get past OM some.

Stay here and don't LB on your wife, thats the last thing you want to do right now.

M2L