silly boy you just said it so please don't mean it

I tool wish ill of the OM but its not about him its about your relationship with your wife - if your wife decided to come back.

What relationship? I have nothing with her. She is sleeping with OM. He is staying all night with her at a house I OWN. I tried to show her love this morning, to no avail. I have been nice as I can to her and I am getting nothing in return. What's a guy to do except for take care of things when they need took care of to protect his family and the hurt OM is causing to all

Ok, stop this!!

You are letting what a WW thinks get to you.

Don't let what she thinks effect what you think or WANT!

You're giving her waaaaay too much power.

She wants you to give up....or screw up, by going after OM.

It will justify her A to her. "Look at what PHB just did!!! See, I need to get rid of him and marry Low Life."

Low Life will self-destruct on his own.

WW will see what a fool she's been.

But, YOU need to have patience and courage to keep fighting now matter how the battle looks to you, right now.

An A is a house built on sand.

It WILL fall apart.

~ Marsh

you own the house? Can you have him removed by the police? That would be a step in making the A hard!!!

I was told by police last time we had an altercation that I could not prevent her from having "Friends" over. I do know this I don't want to give up on this but I am driving myself crazy. I have only been in Plan A for 4 days and I am about to go nuts. The thoughts alone are excruciating. I know I need to please my taker but I am really in need of affection. I will go home shortly and finish BobPure post before I go to the "Y" and be tempted

If you own the house, and OM is showing up there...move back in.

Just as the police can't forcibly remove your wife's 'friend', as long as you're not doing ANYTHING other than living there, they can't remove you.

Move back in...don't ask her if you can, just show up and let her know that this is your house and it's where you're going to live.

Move into a seperate room from your wife, and let things fall where they will. She'll go ballistic, she'll go nuts...don't you react one little bit. Just sit there quietly, let her rant, and when she runs out of steam, you calmly go about your business.

Have your DD spend the night at your parent's tho...so she's not drug into the middle of this.

No point in funding her affair by letting her have YOUR place to do it in.

wise Owl - good idea.

Tried that and she told the police to arrest me if I didn't leave. Plus if I move in with her there I can't file for AOA or CC.

How can she have the police arrest you if you own the home and are doing nothing wrong or illegal?

If you're not standing there fighting her, if you're not the one creating the domestic disturbance, her 'telling the police to arrest you' should do nothing. What become of that request before?

What's AoA or CC?

AoA= Alienation of Affection
CC= Criminal Conversation

The police told me I had to leave. She said she was scared.

That makes no sense.

You're her H. You are the property owner. You are not doing a single thing to threaten or otherwise harm her.

Talk to your lawyer...I don't understand how you can't be allowed to live on property that you own if you're not committing any crime or a domestic disturbance. Talk to your lawyer before you do anything, of course.

So do you want to file criminal charges against OM, or do you want to take steps to regain your home and your marriage?

As a matter of fact...if she gets silly...YOU call the police. Tell them that YOU are afraid she's going to do something foolish...and that you own the house and are returning to your home.

The police didn't know that and she told them I had grabbed her and threw her down. She had scratches on her arm and face where her and her mother got into over this follishness. The male cop looked at them and said those are not fresh. The female cop(who was WW's Cousin) looked and said she asked you to leave and that is what you need to do. If not, we will be forced to take you in. I looked at the male cop and said Can you do that and he advised me to. He said courts will not look into it, They will charge you and it will be on your record for a long time. He said if your have any hope of getting custody, this would ruin it. I talked with my lawyer and she advised me not to go around there because WW can make up anything and fry you for it and ruin all chances of custody. The courts don't care WW has a BF as long as there is no eveidence of harm. But if I got charged with something whether I did it or not, it would hurt me. That is why I can't do to much. I have a call into my lawyer just to double check on whether I can do anything legally to keep him away from house.




I want to take the steps to regain my marriage. I will file criminal charges if that is what it takes to disrupt the A. Do you have any suggestions on how I can do more than I am doing? I am willing to do just about anything.

Afternoon report: Have not talked to DD or WW. I have been stuggling a great deal today. My music director at church called to ask if I could sing a song next Sunday and I told him 2 other songs I have been thinking about. I had a dentist appt this afternoon and I walk in and guess what is playing, the song he asked me to sing. The title of the song is: You Can't Keep a Good Man Down.

2nd I am in the dentist chair and he walks in, sits down and says how are you doing? I spill out everything(I go to Church with him). Guess I needed to get it off my chest by talking instead of typing. He said he had been hearing of my situation and actually started a study on why spouses cheat before he heard about me and WW. He is very spiritual and he told me some things he had learned and said although he can't imagine what it is like to be in your shoes, i can give you some advise on what the Lord has showed him through his studies. I said sure I will take all I can get. This is what he said and I will summerize: you can't change her heart, you can't control her, she is full of deception, she is running from God, You, family and friends who tell her she is wrong. But she hears it. She will not be comfortable around those type of people and will only go around those who do not stand in their beliefs. Then he said to me "If she is truely saved then you should be praying for God to bless her." I said what? He said what I mean by bless is for God to be with her all the time and keep her from being physically damaged beyond repair. In that she will become miserable and be brought to repentance. If she is not saved or will not turn back, God will still persue her but eventually will turn from her and not help her. Then is when she will see what God's wrath is like. God will not be mocked and that is what she is doing right now by saying things like "I know I am wrong but this is what I want and I will ask for forgiveness one day, and God will forgive me and I will be OK." God wants you to repent immediately not when you are ready in a few days while you are living in your sin knowing you are wrong. If you know you are wrong and don't repent, God will turn from from her and wages of sin is death because she is not promised tomorrow. I said to him, How can I pray that she will be blessed when I want her back and not where she is. He said Just pray for understanding of Gods Mercy & Grace and you will see him bless her to where she needs to be. Then the words came I didn't want to hear but probably needed to hear: If she doesn't submit to God, She will never submit to you to allow you to do the things you have learned and your marriage will never be the same. You would be better off letting God decide if she is right for you.

That is when it hit me. All those things the MBer's have been telling me are to help ME. Not my Marriage. The marriage, if she comes back, will just be a benifit of my better self-esteem, my looks and outlook on life. Not that I had bad esteem but It had been kicked around. Knowing that I am a better person because of this will be enough. Letting God determine my fate will allow me to live for him even more.

So to sum it up. I feel alot better than this morning. I am going to the gym after while to work out and play Raquetball. I will do my best to stay pure while God leads me to where he wants me to go. He will never leave me, nor forsake me and long as I follow him. I have not prayed this yet but he knows my thoughts and knows that I am sincere.

So thanks to all MBer's for guiding this far and and may the road to recovery be what Gods wants for ME. You are all truely God sent and I plan on being on here for a long time with you to share in my recovery efforts. I am sorry I didn't open my eyes to what you all was trying to tell me from the start. Forgive me for that. Plan A in effect and with a restored vision.

So I close this LONG, LONG, LONG and did I say long post with a few sayings..
Ask not what God can do for me, but what will I allow God to do for me and what can I do for him.

One More..Ask not what my WW can do for me, But what I CAN DO FOR MYSELF..

God bless

I, personally, would carefully consider moving home and doing so wired up or with a digital recorder and microphone taped to my chest. It won't take her long to conjure up some trump charges and IF you can document it...YOU WIN.

You allow her to call the cops and as she does and while you are waiting for them to arrive you discuss the lie and how it's illegal...etc. Then allow her to tell her story to the police and decide to press charges...thus, requiring them to arrest you. Do not reveal your recording until the last second. Hopefully they won't pat you down before arresting you. It would be best to actually get arrested first...then disclose you've got it all on tape and the recordings will exonerate you.

This is the ultimate reversal...if you can pull it off. Might even get her cousin in a bit of trouble too.

Now if no charges are pressed and the cops ask you to leave...you MUST still obey them. Obeying the cops and the court is a must. But at that point you'll have a nice recording to utilize at deposition time.

If you intend to do this...plan it carefully but there is nothing illegal about having a recorder in your pocket recording YOUR conversations.

Mr. Wondering

Hello pHB,

Welcome to MB. Now you can see what we were saying when we said that this is not about the OM, but about you.

Now lets see how your ww comes to see the new you.

Good day today.

NOW...that IS the message God intended for you today.

Wow...not to mention you've received advice today from both a lawyer AND a "hooker"! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

If she is living at YOUR home with her BF hanging out there and spending the night the COURTS WILL care. It may say they don't but they do. Document this with a PI if necessary.

What state do you live in Paranoid?

I think the worst thing you can do right now is lose your cool. There is almost nothing you can do to disrupt the affair actively. Filing criminal charges--think about it. How will your WW view it? The harder you push, the more she believes the affair is right. Even saying to kill the OM is a bit cathartic, but that (along with other loud, dramatic, emotional behavior) could be used against you by a court, and will Definitely be used against you by your WW as another thing that's wrong with your marriage.

Read Ark's post on Being Still.

And trust me, you can't reason with a WS. You just can't. They used to be a reasonable person, but that person has been kidnapped and replaced by an alien. You'll only get all riled up yourself and irritate the WS. Believe me, I know how frustrating it is to be able to see the whole thing clearly and do next to nothing about it, but that's the way it is.

The best (but admittedly very hard) thing you can do is to be calm and rational. Go back to your house, but be calm about it. Don't talk about the relationship. Just calmly go about your life. When you feel able, start trying to meet her needs (Plan A).

And like Marsh says, take care of yourself.

SDG

Oops, too slow. You already got it. But try to remember it. That's really hard, too.