Read the latest update by Shattered05, as it's near the top of the list right now. See how things developed when the affair crashed and her H was left alone and shattered.

Makes Plan B look like a pretty viable option. Perhaps it's something you should consider.

JMHO
SD

Ok SD I read that thread and it seems like that is the direction I want to head. I feel like I have been disrespected long enough. I want to move on a find someone who will respact me for who I am. I am a new person and out there somewhere there is a very lucky girl. And I am sure I will be one lucky man.

WW came by today to pick up DD and was in a pi$$y mood. I asked her if she got her papers and she said no. So I let her read mine and the only thing she balked at was that no one of the OS can be at either house after bedtime. She said That won't happen. I laughed at her and said we need to finish this. I then got bad and said that I was happy that I had a clear conscience. She cut her eyes at me and then I said "Remember what you wanted most in life was to be accepted and respected?" WW said yeah and then I said "well how does it feel not to be accepted anywhere you go and to have everyone look at you and think what could have been." WW gave me a go to _____ look and I smiled back at her. WW said "why can't you just move on" and I said " I have but you never will be able to." She really gave me a look then. Truth hurts.

Now I know I should have never said some of those things but it felt good to release a little. I could have did a lot more but I held back for a later day.

LOL! After a time, the pain a BS endures numbs us to the point that we are no longer paralyzed and acting out of fear.

Do a little research on a short, succinct Plan B letter and post it on a new thread titled "help w/Plan B letter" and get one dialed in to your liking. If you are ready, that is!?!?!

What do you think?

SD

I really don't know if I want to go through a plan B because I am ready to move on. If i try that i may be putting myself back into a position to be hurt again. I sent WW Separation papers stating that she nor I could have over night visitors and the visitor had to be gone by midnight. She laughed at it. So I will call my lawyer and ask her about that.

Quit bargaining with the WW. Get your attorney to handle this. It is common for most Judge's (I would think in NC this would be true) to place limitations upon introducing paramours, girl friends, etc to children at this terrible time in their lives. But you will have to have a legal binding agreement, LSA, temporary order...........to keep your child from your WW's insanity and HEAR THIS "desire to legitimize her relationship with OM".

I think most reasonable judges will agree with your request to keep the OM away from your daughter, until A. Your divorce is final, and/or B. your WW marries the OM. Others may have better input on this, but that's the gist of what I've often read here in the forums.

SD

See God in this? No, not really. Perhaps someone else, but not God.

pHB, you are married, despite what your wife has been up to. God hates divorce, and if you ever study up on what God "hates," it makes an interesting lesson in learning.

Let's just assume that you do wind up divorced. It would be very foolish of you to bring another "mommy" into your children's lives much before 1-2 years. They are going to need your full attention because they will really be the ones who "pay" for the folly of adults (i.e., your wife).

YOU will need that time too. Don't underestimate it.


[quote] I totally agree with you. That is why I haven't talked with her in a couple weeks. But I feel that the marriage is now fully disolved. Today is WW Bday and she has been out of town all weekend with OM. There has been so many things that I have found out about, I know I could forgive but I never forget those things. Our separation agreement should be signed this week hopefully and after that who knows. [quote]

The marriage is not dissolved, pHB. You are detaching emotionally because your "Love Bank" is near empty. Right now you are very vulnerable to anyone who even begins to make any deposits into your "Emotional Need Account" at your "Love Bank.

The attorney told you 6-7 months. How long will you wait on the Lord before you "take back the steering wheel?"

God understands your emotional pain, and that is why he will allow a divorce, should you decide that is the way to go. But you have not, imho, really given it enough time yet.

But I will not argue with you. It will be your decision either way. All I would advise is that you seek the Lord's direction daily, in prayer and in reading His Word.

Remember as you do that, that all things are in God's timing, not ours, as He is not through with either you or your wife yet.

God bless.

I put a call in to my lawyer this afternoon. She was in court but her paralegal told me they have not received anything back from WW's lawyer. Until they hear back they can't really tell me what she will agree to or not. The paralegal was to give lawyer a note with what I told her today and she would be in contact with me. I hope and pray that a stupid judge would order that the children be kept away until all is final. I have enough respect for my child to do that but WW knows how to push my buttons and this is how she is handling it by keeping OM around my DD. I will ask lawyer to push this issue.

Now about other women. I have not as of yet been out with any woman. I have talked but nothing further. I know that God works in his own timing and not mine but I truly feel that he as released me from WW. I know that may be hard to believe but I truly feel he is leading me away and protecting me. I also know he is not leading me to another woman. I know I am not going to jump into anything quick but(and here is where everyone will get me) there has been 5 other girls asking about me with interest and of those 5, 2 of them have really expressed alot of interest. Even to the point of getting my phone #. Of those 5, None interest me. Not because I am not attracted to them, but I felt nothing. When I did talk this this other one on the bike, and I have talked to 4 of the 5, there was something that made her different. I felt something. Even though she said she didn't want to get involved until after the LS. I felt then as if I didn't need to hurry. I needed to concentrate on the task at hand(DD) and she would be there when the time was right. So that being said I have no plans on persuing anyone until my sitch and DD is taking care of. Hope that clears things up some.

It does for me. How about you?




This is the same "biker babe" that you asked out on a date, right?

bHB, I think you need to be extremely cautious here.

What it "sounds like" is that you are falling into the same pit of rationalization and justification that Wayward Spouses use.

"My needs are not being met, therefore I am entitled to consider other people, especially if I feel some emotional connection there."


"I needed to concentrate on the task at hand(DD) and she would be there when the time was right. So that being said I have no plans on persuing anyone until my sitch and DD is taking care of."

Possible translation: The Lord's timing will be whatever you feel is "taken care of by your own feelings." Look, pHB, no one is going to tell you that you cannot divorce your wife. No one is going to tell you that your wife cannot divorce you.

But it is equally obvious that you are trying to use your "Love Bank" zero or negative balance "feelings" to justify "detaching" from your wife and considering other women. Why? Because there IS an Emotional Need that we all have and a God-given "drive" for a spouse to meet that need. Adultery has complicated that issue for you, beyond measure and beyond what anyone who has not been a Betrayed Spouse can really understand.

I understand your feelings. Believe me, pHB, there were multiple times during my own marital recovery where the actions of my wife sent me to the point of FEELING that I should just "toss in the towel."

I didn't. Some would have said, and some did say, that I had "fought the fight" long enough and it was time to "kick her to the curb and start over with someone else." But there were two truths that "kept me in the recovery game."

One. I, me, myself, made a covenant before God that no matter what happened in the course of our married life, I covenanted with God that I would remain married to my wife for the rest of MY life or her life.

Two. God's timing is known to God, not to us. God asks us to endure sometimes and to wait patiently on Him.

pHB, if there was going to be a divorce, there would be a divorce. But it would NOT be me who initiated it over adultery by a wife I was certain WAS a believer who had been ensnared by sin.

Separated...yes. Divorce....no.


If there was going to be a divorce, she would have to initiate it.


What is God doing to "be with you" through this time?

He is giving you your daughter and HER needs. He is giving you HIS strength and peace to focus on what IS important to you, the FATHER of your daughter and the spiritual head of your household. He is giving you the peace of mind to know that your wife can "run but she can't hide" from God, because she, too, is "one of His."


This woman on the bike may well be a very nice person. Waiting until you are SEPARATED, but not divorced, before she begins a relationship with you, "because she knows where it will lead," is something to wonder about.

How many believers do you know that think it's okay to date a separated but not divorced person? Maybe those who are not grounded in the Biblical truths concerning Marriage?

pHB, you may not agree, but you are walking in an Emotional Need minefield right now. Don't take the peace that God has granted you and "misapply" it now. He has given you peace to focus on your daughter and her huge emotional needs right now (divorce tears children apart, and many see themselves as the problem or the "prize" being split apart in joint custody in a very unSolomon-like manner). He has given you peace to be able to "wait patiently" and to "endure" the time until HIS will in the matter of your marriage is resolved.

pHB, here is the "bottom line." IF your wife truly is a born again believer, she CANNOT avoid the conviction of her sin by the indwelling Holy Spirit. She WILL be "found" and will be lead back to God first, you second.

If she is not a believer, she MAY be reached by God as any sinner may be reached.

If she is not a believer, she MAY choose sin against God instead of surrender to God, and she may divorce you.

Whichever way it goes, will you as a believer, look back and say, "I did it God's way, no matter how long or how tough it got," or will you say that "I did it my feelings way and let feelings control my actions when I felt I had waited 'long enough?'"

pHB, you are the unwilling recipient of your wife's actions. You are feeling the "fallout," the consequences that attend adultery. You have been "heaped upon," and you are getting an 'inkling' of what Jesus took upon Himself for us.

Consider Jesus' reaction. He often separated Himself from everyone and went to be alone with the Father for a time. And then He came back and continued the "fight." He was committed to the Father's will and to doing what was right "no matter what the outcome" (which He already knew).
And you don't know the outcome in your case yet, but you have the very same Father and now you have the one and only Mediator for you with the Father.

Those are facts, not feelings, so that we don't have to be controlled by our feelings.

Just some things to think about, but YOU will have to make your own decisions and whatever decisions you make will have their own consequences attached to them.

God bless.

FH...wonderful post. PHB, everything yoiu need to know is in the above post.

One other comment. I never fancied myself a "ladies man", but the last 8 weeks before I got married, I received more attention from more attractive women than I had in my whole life before. Some form of twisted Karma, I suppose, some kind of a test, or a minefield to walk through before marriage, but nonetheless, it took an iron will to get through those weeks.

You may just be experiencing the same Karma, from the "other" side of marriage, heading for a possible divorce but not yet "out" of the marriage.

I suggest you find your "iron" will to get through the next few months, so you can like who you see when you look in the mirror each morning!

Tough? Yep! Doable? Certainly! You have experienced a rough road for the past several months. Don't run off into the ditch, just when the road is getting smoother and straighter!

Best wishes,
SD

Funny you mention Karma. I have been thinking about that some here lately.

I know I need to have an iron will but I will be the first to admit that my will is pretty weak. ITs a constant fight most of the time because my "taker" is not being fed. I will keep fighting and try to keep my mind where it should be. It does help for me to come here to MB and read this stuff because it reminds me of the task at hand.

I just don't think at the present time I could allow my WW back. Maybe later down the road but not now. To much has happened and still happening.

Going to take DD to counseling. Be back later tonight.

pHB, there's no "thinking about it."

The "key" to her coming home is repentance to God and humble submission to God no matter what she is feeling. Without that "first step" it would almost impossible for anything else to "work out."

"Down the road" is what we're shooting for.

God bless.

What I mean by "think" is my feelings right now. I just couldn't bear the thought of it. If she repented totally and I saw a genuine change and attitude change maybe then. Plus when my DD come to me and tells me things like OM saw mommy naked. That kinda stuff is in my mind and will be there for a long time. I am moving on and if God intervenes then I will listen.

But I am moving on regardless. I am sick and tired of all this mess. I didn't deserve it and DD didn't deserve it.

Since I made this decision to move on it seems as if everyone has left here. I guess everyone is helping others that still have hope.
I texted WW on what DD saw and she texted me "that it did not happen that way. DD likes to see BS act out.From what i heard, u dont have room to talk! GET OVER IT!" I texted her back with a smiley face and "I have nothing to get over but you surely will. I am way past u!"
She never texted back. I thought it was so funny. Maybe I am wrong for being like I am right now but I have lost most everything I had for her.

pHB,

Still here. Maybe I should tell you this more so even when I don't have any advise to give.

pHB worte:
"From what i heard, u dont have room to talk! GET OVER IT!" I texted her back with a smiley face and "I have nothing to get over but you surely will. I am way past u!"

Ok she is still trying to make you out to be the bad guy and her, well, not so bad.

I think by you saying "I am way past u" shows just how not way past her you are. That is not a bad thing, but if you were way past her why would you even care to spend the time typing it out. I am way past high school GFs, but I wouldn't take my time to tell them this.

Don't know where I'm going with this, but I see you as still being "into" your wife. What about Plan B - a good plan B?

Don't give waywards ammunition. Instead hold your cards close to your vest. Tell me again, why is DD being exposed to OM? Are you getting a legal separation or court order to exclude that loser from being around DD? Have you filed AOA against this POS?

Don't argue with her, simply get your ammunition, keep it dry and unload everything on her at the right time and place. She will get her's I assure you.

Okay pHB. And just for clarity, what will you define or accept as an "intervention" by God?




Neither could Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemene.

But His response was "nevertheless, not my will but yours be done."

How unforgiveable were we that Jesus should suffer and die KNOWING all that we had done and all that we would yet do?

Your focus is still on her sin against you. Perhaps you need to consider the level of her sin against God first and what you can do that may help in reconciling her to God first.

Then you can consider whether or not you might want to have a future life with her.

God bless.

Haven't filed AOA papers yet. Legal separation is in the works. But its a long process. My lawyer sends it to herand her lawyer,they set up a meeting and then send another letter back to me and my lawyer. I have tried to get a meeting together to hash this out but haven't succeeded yet. It is really a bunch of BS in my book. I hope my lawyer returns my call tomorrow so I can push this forward.

Glad you are still here M2L. I see where you are going and most of the time I have just been ignoring those comments but last night I thought I would plantthat in her head that I am no longer here for her. I see where you are going and maybe I should PlanB without getting emotionally involved.

PHB

there is some saying that someone has as a sig line to the effect of "Don't wrestle with pigs, you'll only get dirty and then figure out that the pig likes it."

This is how it is with waywards. Don't fuel their fire, their desire to make you the bad guy. Give her nothing. Let her stew in her own juices, lies, deceit, betrayal, immorality, etc. Don't help her find a scapegoat by agruing and fighting and having words with her. She will hate it. I promise you.