My wife had an affair with a man she met at an online dating site two years ago. She was in process of starting another one when I found out.

I wasn't meeting her needs. Didn't have enough sex with her. Didn't talk to her. We'd became roommates..

She's a good person. I honestly believe she was faithful up until that time. I was faithful too, just wasn't a good husband.

Now she is doing everything right. Open book. I think she really loves me and just made a mistake.

I've forgiven her.

But I'm a terrible person. I'm doing the same thing now and acting like our marriage is ok. I've met several women online and then met them in person. I'm seeing a woman now. She is married too. We meet everyday at lunch and any evening we can. We worked out staying together all night a few times. All the lying..Her best friend has been having an affair for ten years...we went on a double date.

I feel so pathetic. What I'm doing to my wife...the woman's husband. I felt like telling my wife the other night. She'll leave me I know. I'm talking it out loud is all. I found this website. Can't talk to anyone in real life.

Do you love your wife?

Well, big surprise here...most people who confess their transgressions are not left by their spouses.

However, you and your W are living with an elephant in the living room...something is taking up space, and has a smell to it, but no one in your house will speak of it. Your W suspects, but perhaps is in denial.

You need to step up to the plate and confess, and permanently excuse yourself from any extramarital activities. That means never seeing, or contacting any of these affair partners again.

Purchase and read "After an Affair", and you'll get a glimpse of the damage you are inflicting on your marriage.

This is not the end of your marriage. In fact, stick around and follow Harley's principals, and you may find the best marriage you ever had lies in the future, after some apologies, some remorse and some really hard work.

Best wishes,
SD

In my current state, I'm not able to offer much advice to you except the following things I think you need to do:

• Decide if you want to stay married to your wife.
• If you do, you need to break off ALL contact with your other woman
• You need to tell your wife
• There will be varying opinions on this board about whether or not you need to tell her husband. My feeling is that you need to tell her husband what has been happening.
• You need to seek qualified counseling for you and your wife
• You need to become familiar with all the Marriage Builder's concepts
• You need to find support for yourself and encourage your wife to find support for herself.

Others on these boards are much wiser and experienced than I am, but I wanted to offer you a word of encouragement.

Be strong -- it's a tough battle. If you both are committed to each other and to your marriage you can make it through.

I (and all those on these boards) know how tough the road ahead is. My marriage is not nearly recovered yet -- it's got a long way to go.

Are there any children involved?

Blessings.

OK, sounds about right in the present but what kind of person do you want to be in the future? A stand up guy or something less than honorable?

V/r,
No way

I do love my wife. I guess a lot of people would call me a liar because I wouldn't be cheating otherwise.

I've read some here. I guess I'm a cake eater. Feel like such a loser. Christmas was hard.

Good question about the future. I don't know, I think I'm always going to be marked because of this.

This woman I'm seeing, I feel bad for her too. She seems so nice but she is doing same exact thing as me...so I feel bad for her but a little angry at times too.

You need to end it with the OW immediately. Email her a NC letter, and then block her email address. Don't take her calls. Confess this to your wife, and let the OWH know. You two obviously never resolved what she did to you, so you need to get into MC immediately. I would suggest a call to the Harley's because they are masters on the subject. They will get you headed in the right direction. Purchase and read SAA. I might suggest IC for you as well.

Listen, we are all weak and vulnerable to an affair. They key is when we find ourselves in the grips of one, having the strength to get out of it. We can't do it ourselves, but we can put up barriers around us to prevent it from happening again. These include confessing to your wife and OWH, changing email and phone numbers, ridding yourself of OW's contact info, being an open book so your wife will find out if you do anything wrong again, committing to counseling, not having very close friendship's with the opposite sex, etc. Don't let fear keep you from doing the right thing. Most affair DO NOT end marriages. Your wife's affair did not end yours, did it?

Only YOU can make a difference in how things turn out.

There is a better chance of saving your marriage if you confess and pour out all the secrets to your wife from a state of ultimate remorse, than if she finds out in ANY other way.

You know this is the truth, and you are here to gather the strength to go through with it. There are good people, bad people and good people who make bad decisions. I'd like to think you are the latter. What better time to start a new, better, less complicated life than Christmas/New Years?

Best wishes,
SD

Tell your wife TODAY, htsal, that is the first step back to self respect and sanity. Honesty is the solution to infidelity. TELL HER NOW.

I know everything you people are saying is right but I don't know if I deserve my wife anymore. I don't think I've ever been a good husband, even when I wasn't cheating. Now that I'm cheating...even when I stop how would I ever be able to actually be deserving?

This other woman says she'll leave her spouse if I leave mine. I know it wouldn't work out in the long run, but wouldn't that be more what I deserve?

You deserve what you actions bring you. We have a saying around here..."never deny a wayward spouse the opportunity to experience the consequences of their actions".

We also believe that someone filled with remorse, who is willing to step up to the challenge of turning their life around for the better, deserves to experience the fruits of their labors.

Pick your chin up off the floor, put your shoulders back and start a new life today.

SD

Well, you can be deserving of your W if you step up to the plate and redeem yourself. All this self pity won't help you there. But you have to take the first step and go tell your wife. No matter what you decide, she has a right to know the truth.

Go tell your wife NOW.

So what good would that do anyone?? you would be with a WW and you would not have resolved your problems that made you wayward.

What is this a pity me party? Do you want to punish yourself and the OW you are involved with?? This all sounds like fog speak to me.

Confess and start building yourself and your M. To do anything else would be continuing a life of lies and failed behaviors.
Lake

It might be helpful to NOT LISTEN AT ALL TO YOUR THOUGHTS..which are composed of what we call FOG..a product of your ADDICTION to the AFFAIR...

Don't listen to your thoughts and

DO WHAT WE ARE TELLING YOU TO DO...

Talk with your wife immediately...Tell her that YOU LOVE HER..that YOU'VE MADE A BIG MISTAKE that you have to IMMEDIATELY CORRECT... sit down with her IMMEDIATELY and write the NC LETTER...block all means of contact with the OW..

DO THIS NOW...

IGNORE THE THOUGHTS WHICH WILL TELL YOU NOT TO DO THIS!!!

No I don't want to punish her. Except for the infidelity, she is a very nice person. I feel very close to her. If we were both single it would be perfect. Sometimes though when I am with her I think of how my wife must have felt with her man. I understand now she was telling me the truth when she said she never stopped loving me even when she was cheating on me.

I've read about the fog but I'm not going to use that as an excuse for my behavior. I really don't have any excuse. I think what is going to make me stop is her husband. I can't believe I'm doing this to another man. I know what it feels like and I can't believe I'm doing this. She got caught in another affair namy years ago she told me and she said her husband had to take leave of absence from work because of it. Now here I am.

Thank you people for not beating me over the head. I expected some. I just need a place to talk about this.

htsal - Did you even see the movie Moonstruck, where Cher slaps Nicholas Cage and says "Snap out of it!", or the Godfather where Don Corlieone says basically the same thing to some weasely visitor (I forget who). Well, the people here are saying the same thing to you and it's the best advise to get your life back on track.

Affairees are liars by definition; want more for yourself and your W, who you claim to love, than to live a lie.

In the words of the great Margaret Thatcher - "Don't go all wobbly on us" - you know the right thing to do.

V/r,
No way

Thats not very manly. Why wouldn't you do the right thing yourself? Is he more of a man than you?

Nothing I'm doing is very manly. Yea he probably is more of a man than me. He's never cheated on his wife. No pity party here just looking at things realistically. I really don't want to hurt the husband or my wife but I guess it's too late for that. You guys don't suggest I just end it and never tell do you?

Think of yourself as a man with a shovel. You are inseperable, except by your choice. Each day you spend with the shovel, the deeper you dig your hole. Ultimatly, the hole you dig will become so out of control, it will cave in, you you won't be the only victim.

Trade your shovel in for a brass pair...confess, and turn your life around. Today is the first day of the rest of your life!

SD