htsal,

You have a real mess here but IMO, your prognosis is very good if you take the steps recommended.

Here in your situation it is a level playing field. You are both cheaters you and your wife. I would expect the possibility of her leaving you is much less than you think.

In any case, your wife deserves the truth and deserves to be able to make decisions about her own life. It's the secrecy and lies that will kill your marriage not the affair. The OW'sH needs to be told as well and hopefully he and your wife will work together to keep you and OW apart.

Really you can survive this. It's a mess but following the Harley principles in your marriage and ending the affair will result in a great marriage.

jimm5045 and everyone else...
Sure I should have thought about it before...but what about my daughter. We hid her mother's thing. I don't think we can hide this. I can't have my daughter hating me...I would hate to think she was with someone like me too but I can't deal with her hating me...is that my price or what?

I don't have much spiritual feeling inside me right now. I feel doomed. I know it's my fault.

Would you be a better role model by cutting and running, and bringing all the problems you haven't corrected into the rest of your life, or, would you be a better role model by fessing up, admitting your failings as a human being, being remorseful, asking for forgiveness, and doing the work necessary to rebuild your own life and your marriage.

God doesn't look for people who aren't looking for Him. Knock, and ye shall enter. You are not doomed, but you are in some hot water. Climb out of the mess you've created and face the music. Your vision of how "bad" it will be is probably harsher than what the reality of coming clean will be, anyway.

Breathe, focus, confess...get right with all that's around you, and with your inner self.

SD

Best wishes,
SD

HT..I've been telling you..it doesn't matter how you FEEL right now...

JUST DO THE RIGHT THING....

You face your DD like a man and show her how a REAL MAN acts when he does wrong. He doesn't run and snivel like a coward, he faces the consequences like a man. You show her how a decent, honorable, man of character acts when they do wrong. They face the consequences head on and make amends for their actions. That is the GREATEST lesson you can ever teach your child.

all this sounds good on paper...reality is I'd be better off just leaving the way i see it. Why should I put my daughter through something like this? I know I'm the @sshole that created the mess, but why should I spread this to her? How is that going to make her see me as a better man?

My wife just called me yelling at me about some other BS and I feel even worse thinking about what really lies down the road.

I'm glad I made this post. I'm pretty certain I really knew what you people would say. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out...sorry I mean no disrespect. I'm an idiot here so think about it. the right stuff but I think I'm the wrong person. I've never sunk this low in my life.

Ok so I want my wife. Does this mean I really need to come clean with it all? I know the answer to that but I really don't think I can do it. I'm not looking for a pep rally here and you guys are the one for it.

I can say I haven't answered any of her emails today or night, but i can't keep on doing that. I have to say something sooner or later and I'm not lying when I say I want to see her again. I know I'm wrong thats all I can say right now. My head is reeling. I'm sorry Mimi but I do feel doomed whether it's about me or not. All this plan A and plan B...it hurts reading.

You have choices, htsal, but I doubt running will leave you or your DD or your wife "better off." Children do not fare well when they are abandoned.

But if you don't think you can hack it, by all means, RUN. It sure would be easier. Not for your wife or your DD, but for you if that is the kind of guy you are.

And sure, it is not easy, no one said it was. We don't only do the right thing when it is EASY.

You mean you WON'T do it. There is a big difference between can't and won't. You WON'T.


It will be much easier to resist if you tell your wife. The only way to withdraw from the OW is cold turkey. And your W can help you with that.

But you CAN stay away from the OW CRACK one second at a time. Anyone can do just one second at a time. Even a monkey can do ONE SECOND at a time.

HT:

You are typing to us instead of DOING as I suggested.

My father was a philanderer, HT...but now he is dead..it doesn't matter to me at all now what he did in the past..I was able to FORGIVE HIM for all of that..I AM SO THANKFUL THAT I HAD HIM THERE TO RAISE ME DESPITE THE BAD THINGS THAT HE DID...I would give anything to be able to talk to him again but he is dead now...

STOP THIS..coming up with reasons NOT TO DO THE RIGHT THING...

Now you are bringing your daughter into it..earlier it was your wife...

THIS IS ABOUT YOU..YOU DOING THE RIGHT THING.....

WHY NOT?

WHAT'S THE WORSE THAT COULD HAPPEN?

You are anxious about not being able to see her again.

That's your main concern. I understand that. I really do.

But believe us when we say you are DOOMED if you go in that direction rather than DOING the RIGHT THING. You would have chosen a path of SELF-DESTRUCTION.

You will be BLESSED if you DO THE RIGHT THING.

Mimi..yes you are correct. I wish I could just go headand do it. I do thank you for your words and time. I think they both may help me.

You know whats funny? At least to me a nyways...I get help from online...same place (online) I went down...nobody knows this really except myself.lol eh I don't think so. Thanks again though. I need to think. I must go now but I will be back. Thanks.

everything about her is like a Christmas present when you're a kid. I know this. Where's the fog? I'm level-headed here. I see the fog for what it's worth. I'm just a bad person I reckon.\\\\\\

I agree with you all yet I can't won't do anything. No excuse just bad.

This is the fog. This is the addiction. Everything about her is WONDERFUL, SPECIAL AND GOOD to you as long as you remain ADDICTED to her...

This won't last but you won't believe us and you keep talking about it with no use.

Just like any other addiction, you will have to be STRONG AND DETERMINED to beat it.

No amount of talking will negate the need for you to JUST DO IT..like I've been telling you all day and will continue to tell you....

Calling yourself bad, talking about your wife and daughter and how you are doomed BLAH..BLAH..BLAH...NONE OF IT MAKES ANY DIFFERENCE...

YOU JUST HAVE TO DO THE RIGHT THING OR NOT...

Your words are MEANINGLESS...

What counts are your ACTIONS....

htsal - Okay, others have said all that really needs to be said about what you "should" do. I'd like to spend a few minutes talking about the "why" you should do what you keep trying to avoid.

1. You said; "I really love my wife". Do you REALLY?

From where I sit, I don't believe this for one minute. Oh you may "think" you love your wife by whatever definition you want to use to define what you call "love," but all I hear is really selfishness and what YOU want. That's NOT love.

I know what love means to me, but that's obviously not YOUR definition. So WHAT DOES "love" for a spouse mean to you?

Until you answer that question, whatever you "do" is essentially meaningless.


2. You said; "Especially since there is emotion involved with this woman."

Forgive me or don't forgive me for this, but you need what is lovingly called a MarriageBuilders 2x4 placed firmly against your thick skull. I think that is what it might take to finally REALLY get your attention.

All that you have written so far can be summed up with two words that everyone around MB knows and understands, "Rationalization" and "Justification."

Everything is wrapped up in "what you feel and what you want." That's selfishness and self-centeredness, not love.

Love is self-sacrificing. Love puts your spouse ahead of your feelings. Surprise! Love is an ACTION VERB, it is NOT "feelings."

"Feelings" come AFTER, and in response to, ACTIONS that are loving, that put the needs of the spouse ahead of your own needs. Tough, isn't it? To actually surrender "ME" to someone else? What a concept! Consider the "Christmas Concept," if you will. "It is better to give than to receive."


3. Reality check time.

You lament about your child and the possible bad things that could happen....horror of horrors....that she might think badly about you. Guess what? There is no way to avoid that because of the CHOICES you have already made. All that remains is "for how long?" We ALL "think badly" about anyone who has wronged us or hurt us, but true repentance and WORK, based in true love, overcomes a multitude of sins.

If you don't IMMEDIATELY choose to DO the RIGHT thing, right now, no more vacillating, no more rationalizing, no more justifiying continuing your destructive path, then nothing you do will keep your child from harm and nothing you do will "make her bad feelings toward you go away."

Hard? Yes, of course. You have engaged in THE most hurtful and destructive thing that a spouse can do the one they promised "until death do us part." There is NO "pain free" way to correct things, but the broken things CAN be fixed, the hurts healed, the ship of marriage righted.

But NONE of that can happen if you have ANY contact with the OW, for the rest of your natural life. Will it hurt? Yes you will feel pain. Consider it part of the "price you have to pay" (If you really do love your wife and child).

Is recovery from trauma painful? Yes, usually. Is the pain terminal? No, it lessens with time as the healing process continues. Can a drug addict EVER get close with their addictive substance again? No.

htsal, you SAY you love your wife. Now, what are you going to DO about it?

One last thing that you are going to have to "Man up" to. When you chose adultery as your "answer" to whatever you felt "justified" that choice, you also chose DIVORCE. YOU chose it. Your "fear" about your wife perhaps choosing to divorce you if you "tell her" about your adultery is more "self-serving justification" for NOT telling her. Let her "live a lie with a liar" and she will be "spared some pain," and you get to "keep her" (as YOU want).

Here is the ONLY way you can "keep her," after ending your affair and confessing your affair to your wife; "Keeping myself only unto you, until death do us part."

That's part of what is called a Wedding VOW, not a Wedding "suggestion."

"Vows" are upheld, in large part, by a firm set of STANDARDS that one accepts for themselves that governs how they relate to others. In other words, STANDARDS are what YOU will and won't do TO others. BOUNDARIES, the cousin to Standards, are those things that you will not allow to be done to YOU. Boundaries have consequences.

It is obvious that neither you nor your wife have clearly defined Standards. Without them, and without each of you clearly defining your Boundaries related to being married to each other, just HOW do you think you would have a successful marriage with anyone, let alone your current wife?

Oh ya, a partner in adultery also has such good Standards that you can "trust them." Right. Here's another MB "truism," If they cheat WITH you, they will cheat ON you.

Time is NOT on your side as long as there is any "affair" with anyone other than your wife. It is time to choose.

Choose wisely.

htsal,

So, another day has passed, did you tell her yet? You probably didn't get much sleep, haven't eaten much and are a wreck either way if you confessed or not BUT if you confessed, at least that's behind you.
How old is your daughter and who says she has to know?

No way

from where you sit you are wrong thinking. I know what love is, I know what fog is, definition of this forum. I love my wife. I know this for fact.

No truer words ever spoken. When I say I love my wife I guess I mean it as a noun. I have "vested" feelings for her. Vested as in over a decade of "feelings"

Thanks for your post, Foreverhers, you struck a nerve and that is good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SHOW your LOVE for your wife, HT....STOP telling us how you FEEL...How you FEEL will ROB you of the LOVE that you have left for your wife..You FEEL the CRAVING to be with the OW..You already know that a continued relationship with her will ultimately DESTROY your SOUL...that's why you've been talking to us..NOTHING YOU CAN SAY CAN CHANGE THIS and WE WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT YOUR SELF-DESTRUCTION IS INEVITABLE..You can put a stop to this if YOU CHOOSE TO DO SO....

Go out today and EVIDENTLY SHOW your LOVE for your wife and then come back and TALK to us about THAT....

No more RATIONALIZATIONS and JUSTIFICATIONS...